9 Year Old Christian Realizes Heaven Isn’t Awesome

9 Year Old Christian Realizes Heaven Isn’t Awesome October 17, 2017
Wait, how did this guy end up here?
Wait, how did this guy end up here?


Brockton, MA – Little Jimmy Moran goes to Sunday school every week and sings in the children’s choir. He recently earned five dollars for memorizing the books of the New Testament. Jimmy’s parents are secretly hoping their boy someday becomes a minister and spread the good news of Jesus and several far-right Super PACS.

However, all is not well in the land of milk, honey, and fruit roll-ups.

Elder Andrew Canard told Jimmy what heaven was really going to be like.

Up until a day ago, the elementary school student believed the heavenly afterlife would entail all the best parts of his existence on Earth. He’d play all of his favorite video games whenever he wanted. He’d eat all the Skittles his heart desired. Didn’t God make the rainbow to begin with? What better place to “eat the rainbow” than in heaven! And he’d be kissing that 8 o’clock bedtime on weeknights goodbye, too.

After yesterday’s Sunday school lesson about Hell, Little Jimmy chatted with Elder Canard about how just God’s punishment is. He was reassured that those nasty sinners like Muslims, Jews, and Catholics would never get into heaven to bother real Christians. Jimmy then made a mistake to wax philosophically about how great heaven was going to be and how he was planning to spend his time.

“Jimmy,” Elder Canard said, “heaven is where we will worship God and be in his presence for eternity.”

That didn’t sound like Super Mario Brothers or staying up until 9 o’clock.

It sounded like…

“That sounds like church,” he stammered. “That sounds like church forever.”

And while little Jimmy Moran likes church the idea of being there for eternity sounded, well, like a rip-off. Didn’t Dad say heaven was going to be their reward? Church is a lot of things, but it isn’t Skittles.

And then he realized he can’t eat Skittles or use his Gameboy in church. It was highly unlikely heaven would have different rules.

Ooooooooo, that’s a double rip-off!

And heaven sounded like it’s going to ruin the fun of staying up late, too. He’s going to stay up late so that he can be in heavenly church?

That’s a triple rip-off!

Little Jimmy Moran is still officially a Christian, but he has a lot to think about.

And that dramatically lowers his chance of being a Christian in the future.



I have a Patreon account just in case you wish to show your appreciation for my work here on Laughing in Disbelief.


Me!!Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.



Stay in touch! Like Laughing in Disbelief on Facebook:

"I'll let you folks into a secret. Trump and Melania both prayed to Me. Trump ..."

First Lady Melania Trump Resigns From ..."
"Probably the guy who, as a kid, was helping the youth minister molest the other ..."

Iceland Bans American Televangelists
"And where do you get your stats? The opposite is true. Most of western Europe ..."

Iceland Declares Christianity A Public Health ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment