A dejected Friday the 13th called a news conference earlier today to tell the world it is officially retiring. The unlucky day was planning to work for many more years but the presidency of one Donald J. Trump changed all that.
“President Donald Trump has made every day in America unlucky,” Friday the 13th told a stunned audience. “It cheapens what I do. Instead of having an irrational fear of me every once in a while, people now have a rational fear of that guy every single waking moment.”
The day once known as the unluckiest went on to say that it would be immoral to add more anxiety to the lives of a population already in the throes of a continuous panic attack that will last at least four years.
Internet trolls came out of their respective e-caves to mock this unfortunate turn of events. A common sentiment shared on Twitter is how Friday the 13th is just another liberal snowflake who can’t handle Trump dismantling health care, international alliances, the environment, common decency, the rule of law, the long-term health of the economy, education, and two-for-one omelet Thursdays at Bickford’s.
One of the Twitterati summed up the thoughts of many Trump supporters:
Friday the 13th just can’t compete against our President. When was the last time Friday the 13th said anything racist or against women? #Sad
Supporters of Friday the 13th proclaim the day is scarier than Donald Trump. *Afterall, wasn’t Jesus crucified on a Friday? Weren’t there 13 people attending the Last Supper? Didn’t they hear on Dr. Phil that it takes 13 witches to make a coven?
None of those arguments proved persuasive in the Age of Trump.
Sources explain that the calendar will simply skip over Friday the 13th in the future. Workers will enjoy a 4 day work week when Thursday the 12th is followed by Saturday the 14th.
What will Friday the 13th be doing now it is retired?
“I plan to hold meat raffles for charity,” he said. “It seems fun, I get to do meaningful work, and people need brisket.”
*Why is Friday the 13th considered unlucky? Check out the BBC News article here.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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