Science-Based Science Outlawed At The CDC


Centers for Disease Control to stop science-based projects immediatley.
Centers for Disease Control to stop science-based projects immediatley.


Atlanta, Georgia – The White House issued new regulations for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) stating science-based science is forbidden. The new rules emphasize that research in evidence-based projects are to be scrapped immediately.

The CDC is also never to use the word fetus. Instead, the White House is recommending researchers to replace it with the medical term mini-baby.

Another forbidden word is vulnerable. The White House seems to be flexible with terms to replace it. The current list includes:

  • Go get a job
  • Mexican rapist 
  • Das Juden 

Transgender is another word to be irradicated from the CDC lexicon. No alternative term is suggested since everyone at the White House knows transgender isn’t a real thing.

Who Benefits?

The stupid industrial-complex benefits from this move away from the scientific method.  The new orders are seen as a reward to the various alt-fact supporters who helped fund President Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

Andrew Canard is the chief lobbyist for the American Bi-Coastal Strategic Union For Resurrecting Democracy (ABSURD) super PAC.  ABSURD shoveled tens of millions of dollars into Trump coffers in 2016.

Mr. Canard and those who support ABSURD applaud the bold new decision by President Trump:

For too long we have suffered at the hands of the round-earthers and those who refuse to believe diseases are caused by an imbalance of bodily humours. Soon the CDC will explore the real problems facing the world: lizard people, lake monsters, and the new Taylor Swift album.

The Resistance

Most of the CDC’s scientists have joined General Leia Organa and are fleeing from the fascists. However, they are far from safe. They are being followed by an armada of flat-earthers, hollow-earthers, and Chik-fil-A fanatics. No one is sure what will happen once the rebel fleet’s fuel runs out.

The situation is dire.

Future Unsure

Meanwhile, those who remain at the CDC are trying to adapt to the new rules and regulations. Leadership at the organization gave out copies of George Orwell’s 1984 to staff in hopes they will be inspired by the challenges posed by NewSpeak.


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