Federal agents raided longtime Trump confidante and lawyer Michael D. Cohen’s office one week ago. The first revelation emerged yesterday when FOX News personality Sean Hannity turned out to be a client of Mr. Cohen. Early this morning another was revealed: Sean Hannity is and has always been an angry potato.
”Sean Hannity paid millions in hush money to several parties to keep the fact he is an angry potato from the public,” an anonymous court official stated.
The source went onto say Sean Hannity is an angry Russet Potato ideal for making fluffy mashed potatoes. The documents reveal Sean Hannity expressed fear over being baked, twice baked, French fried, hash browned, chipped, roasted, souped, stewed, and casseroled.
FOX News Response
Executives at FOX News are reeling from the news. Sean Hannity had been their go-to-guy for fear mongering once Bill O’Reilly left the channel. “Sean’s always been an expert at yelling out Republican talking points,” FOX News Vice President Andrew Canard stated. “His secret is out. Will viewers listen to him now that they know he’s just a garden variety spud?”
FOX News polled 536 of its most dedicated fans to see if Sean Hannity would lose viewers due to anti-potato sentiment. Here are the findings:
- 89% said they liked taters.
- 75% had strong opinions against German potato salad.
- 99% would still watch Sean Hannity as long as he “wasn’t one of them transgendered gay taters.”
Sean Hannity Will SurviveSean Hannity’s show on FOX News looks like it will survive what many in the media are calling Spudgate. Sources relay Mr. Hannity will take a few moments at the beginning of his show to talk to the audience about his tuberous childhood and how liberals wanted to keep him underground. The show will not change, but great American potatoes will occasionally be featured like Senator Joe “Yammy” McCarthy and President of the Confederacy Jefferson “Spudtastic” Davis.
In related news, Sean Hannity deleted all of his anti-potato tweets.
I was playing around a few ideas for Sean Hannity’s starchy alter-ego and came up with this.