Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly What Would Jesus Do Wednesday rant!
No, no… don’t formalize that. We’re not talking Anthony Perkins here, the Psycho who dressed up like his mom and stabbed women in the shower.
That would be nuts.
We’re talking about Tony Perkins, head of The Family Research Council.
Which is not to be confused with Focus on the Family, The Christian Family Movement, The Fellowship (also known as “The Family), or The Family Christian Center.
(Man, Christians love to say they’re pushing themselves on you for the good of the “family,” don’t they?)
To begin, Tony Perkins is a proud graduate of Liberty University, a religious college founded by Jerry Falwell, a man who believed apartheid was better than the alternative. Liberty University, of course, prides itself on being conservative. So much so, it’s honor code prohibits premarital sex, dancing (like the town in Footloose!), R-rated movies (but Deadpool is just so good), and even one-on-one interactions between members of the opposite sex (Mike Pence approves!).
And, naturally, like most religious institutions that push for abstinence between teens, Liberty Fails horrifically, as exposed by Kevin Roose in his excellent book The Unlikely Disciple: A Sinner’s Semester at America’s Holiest University.
So, what kind of man does Liberty University send into the world?
Naturally, one who says that calling for equality for all somehow represents discrimination against religion.
Yes, The Family Research Council is a movement rooted in being anti-woman and anti-LGBTQ. Because if you’re gay, you’re wrong.
Well, not as wrong as a man willing to cheat on his third wife while she’s at home with their months-old son.
You see, the Bible may say divorce is a sin, but that’s just a typo. Sometimes you just have to get your first two marriages out of the way before finally settling in on a trophy wife that gets it: the more I cheat on you, the less you have to deal with me touching you.
And Tony Perkins gets it, too, because he said that Trump deserves a mulligan for his affair with Stormy Daniels.Yes, if you’re in love and in an un-interrupted union for twenty years, but it’s with someone of the same gender? That’s bad. But cheating on your third wife? Eh, accidents happen.
In fact, being gay is so bad, Tony was opposed to ending “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” Because nobody should have to know they’re around gay people, and military chaplains who are supposed to be spreading the word of Jesus, a man who spoke of loving thy neighbor? He meant your straight neighbor. Not your queer one.
Tony believes that the repeal of DADT has caused numerous military suicides. I mean, PTSD only effects pussies, right? The horrors of war, the stretches of time being away from home and family while deployed, the low pay and hard work soldiers put in, that doesn’t contribute to their stress. No. It’s the gay guy or lesbian that might be among them. They just can’t handle that, and the only way out is suicide.
When someone who uses logic like that is in charge of an organization, you know it’s got to be good.
Good, and obsessed. If you look at The Family Research Council website, you’ll see that they have a whole section dedicated to hating LGBTQ people. Because nothing says “I love Jesus and respect his teachings” more than “I hate gays.”
Maybe we should all join today.
Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad
You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter.