So much can happen in a year! Just a year ago Vyckie and I birthed this blog which has morphed into such a wonderful resource of encouragement and help for folks. It has also been a great place of healing for myself and I am so grateful for all the love and encouragement I have experienced through the birth and growth of NLQ!
I have been pretty quiet the last 9 months or so and it has been necessary for me to be so. Yet, in honor of the NLQ Anniversary, I want to come out of my silence, so to speak, and give you all an update on what has been happening in my life. If you are feeling a bit blue or discouraged or have just been thinking that life will NEVER get better…read on for a lift in your spirit. Dreams really DO come true!
When I left you, dear readers, I was just about to embark on the adventure of a life time with the man I had loved all my life.(Since 1980 anyway!) I decided to stop writing at that time because I was concerned about how the story would affect my children (who were following my story quite regularly at that time). I wasn’t too excited about them reading that their mom, who had been married to their dad almost 25 years and was a faithful and committed Christian in the deepest of legalistic and fundamentalist sense, had an affair. Even though this is what took place. I will leave out the next year and a half and just say that I did leave my husband Dale (several times actually) and finally moved to Washington State to be with Richard. I will leave out the indescribable guilt and pain, the shame and agony of being away from my children and the oceans of tears that were shed. I will not elaborate on the many days of self medication and self recrimination and the lies of worthlessness that I listened to, that I repeatedly told myself. I can only liken it to the horrific pain of labor, that whole body agony that we moms all have gone through. It seemed it would never end; it got worse and worse as I beat my self up for leaving my babies and trying to take care of my self. Richard kept reminding me that if I had stayed there, my kids wouldn’t have a mom anymore as I was increasingly suicidal before I left Dale. Yet I couldn’t get past the fact that I was the world’s most horrid mother as I had left my 10 month old, nursing child behind. Not only was the pain unbearable in my heart and mind, but my body ached for my child as my breasts filled with milk and there was no little one to feed. Looking back, I see that I was at the breaking point and I knew that I had to stay away from my ex in order to survive. Our religion had become too oppressive for me and I couldn’t live as just another of Dale’s children any longer.
It has been almost two years since I left and my life has changed in so many ways. It is as if the pain-filled time of labor has passed and I have given birth to a new life. My life. My life without patriarchy, fundamentalism, hypocrisy, or legalism. My life filled with unconditional love, acceptance, encouragement, affirmation, joy and hope. On December 12, 2007, I married the man of my dreams. I was standing in the ocean in Hawaii with my precious Moms watching. Ever since I was a teenager I had wanted to share his name. At last…I do!
My relationships with my children went through some VERY tough times as you can imagine. Yet now things are going so well that I feel like I have I have been given a most precious gift. 2 of my sons married last year and I was asked to sing at one of their weddings. One of my older daughters came to visit us and left with an appreciation for the man who loves and cares for her mom. Another daughter is coming out to nanny my nephew for a few months and she will spend most weekends with us. My younger kids have come to visit here at my place and they have fallen in love with their step dad…and he with them. This is no small feat since he was seen as the devil incarnate because of my relationship with him AND…he has never had any kids of his own and never really wanted any. It is amazing to see the changes happening in my life and the lives of those I love.
As for me personally…I am doing very well. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that marriage could be so fulfilling and joyous. I have been slowly coming back to myself, finding out who Laura is, what Laura likes and doesn’t like, and what Laura wants to do with the rest of her life. It is a daunting and challenging thing to take on but I have the most wonderful support in my hubby and my therapist. I am learning that my opinions matter and that I am actually a pretty smart woman. I no longer take the stance of a doormat and will often be assertive. Sometimes I still go overboard into the aggressive instead of just being assertive but it’s all a learning process.
I have a job for the first time in almost 25 years and I like bringing home a paycheck. I am thinking about going back to school and it seems the world is open to me now. Spiritually, I am in neutral. I have a longing for some sort of spirituality in my life but anything that rings of Christianity leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I am so not interested in any kind of religious belief that is based on guilt and fear.
As to writing my experiences down in a book….I really don’t want to go there now. When we first began the blog, it was so therapeutic to get all that icky stuff out. It caused a lot of pain for my kids but the healing it was doing for me seemed more important to me at the time. Now that a lot of that is behind me, I really don’t want to go back and relive it all as I write it down. I am moving forward and growing and changing. I don’t want my past to hold me down in bad ways. So no book for me at this point. It was tough enough to write this update for NLQ’s Anniversary!
I will say that my Ex and I have a very civil, friendly relationship these days. He remarried about two weeks after I did. They are getting divorced now. My Ex is a great dad. He really is. He is just a miserable husband. My kids seem relieved and his soon to be ex (who has become a good friend of mine!!) also seems happier to be away from him. As for Richard and me….well I never knew that marriage could be so WONDERFUL!!!!
My best to you all…And remember …nothing is impossible…nothing!
I love you,
A very happy Laura
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