20 Ways Not to Respond to Homeschool Horror Stories

by Becoming Worldly

The following are a list of things that range from impolite to incredibly disrespectful that I have heard since I started speaking out about this issue. I’m (unfortunately) not making any of these up and I’ve actually had every single one of them either said to me or seen them said to others. If you don’t want to be a jerk, please don’t say any of the following:

Homeschooling -

1.) Tell me how good of a homeschooling experience you or someone you know had and imply that it cancels out mine.                                                                   2.) Say that obviously it was just a parenting problem, not a homeschooling problem at all.
3.) Say that obviously it was a religious fundamentalism problem/bible-based cult problem, not a homeschooling problem at all.
4.) Say that I am not describing real homeschooling so I should not be talking about my experience like it was homeschooling at all.
5.) Say that I need to be careful, that openly speaking about this will help enemies of homeschooling (nosy neighbors/government/the minions of the Antichrist) have the political cover to mess up or destroy homeschooling for the good homeschoolers.
6.) Say that obviously because I am standing here today with a job/degree/spouse/all four limbs that the homeschooling I got really wasn’t too bad and therefore we all should keep calm and carry on.
7.) Say that my parents only homeschooled because it was a problem with the school district and obviously any public school in my area/state/nation/world would have been worse.
8.) Say that maybe my homeschooling experience was even secretly good and I likely don’t know enough about what I’d be comparing it to, with public school being so awful and all.
9.) Say that you/your kid/someone you know had a much worse experience in public school/government school/a hole in the ground and so I should quit bellyaching and overdramatizing my homeschooling experience and instead just be grateful it wasn’t as bad of a story as the one you just told.

Abuse -

10.) Say that what happened to me was so uncommonly rare that it’s not something we need to be generally concerned about.
11.) Say that you are sure that it was that my parents were uneducated/rural/brainwashed/obviously raised wrong and that’s why they did what they did, even though you know nothing about my parents’ background.
12.) Say it is obvious that I am so hurt/broken/angry/bitter/emotional/weird/vengeful that I have lost track of reality, don’t know what I’m talking about on any of this, and no one should listen.
13.) Say that I need to just let the past be the past, understand that parents make mistakes/are not perfect, then go forgive mine (immediately assuming that I haven’t), and stop disrespecting them by talking about this issue.
14.). Say that the way life works is that your parents can raise you however they want/force you to be the person they ask/mess you up for the first 18 years of your life and then it will be your turn when you have your own kids.

Religion & Politics -

15.) Say that if my parents were real Christians that this never would have happened.
16.) Say that this is obviously a problem with Christianity itself and all homeschoolers should respond by being secular/atheist/Buddhist/some other faith.
17.) Say that you seriously doubt (or had it laid upon your heart by Jesus himself) that it is in God’s will/my best interest/society’s interest for me to be talking/thinking/spreading lies like this and you will pray/worry/be quite concerned for me.
18.) Ask me if I am aware that when I talk about my story it is mainly going to be helping people who hate homeschoolers/Christians/parents/Americans/suburban white people unfairly stereotype/hurt/oppress all of your group because people will mistakenly think you are like me and my family and obviously you are nothing like us at all.
19.) Accuse me of being put up to this by teachers unions/liberal brainwashing/feminism/Satan and not having actual good reasons for how I characterize a problem I lived through and/or am studying.
20.) Accuse me of being anti-homeschooling, anti-Christian, and anti-family all in one fell swoop because I said what happened to me should not happen to other kids.

Now that I’ve listed all the rude, insensitive, selfish, and potentially threatening things I can think of that you should not be saying to people who have shared their horrible (or even just a little bit bad bordering on mediocre) homeschooling experience (I’m sure I left some out, so please feel free to include them in the comments), here are eight examples of something that might be a good idea to say:

1.) Thank you for sharing your story.
2.) I am trying to understand where/when/how this occurred. Can I ask you? How did X, Y, or Z happen/come to be/take place
3.) What helped you get out/get better?
4.) What do you think could have made this situation better/not happen at all?
5.) What do you think someone like me might do or keep in mind to prevent this from happening to others?
6.) What do you like to do today, now that you’ve left that environment?
7.) Can I share what you said with my friend/relative/pastor/neighbor/blog readers/Facebook?
8.). I wish you well and hope that tomorrow/this week/life/the future will be good for you.

Also, even if this stuff is foreign to you and you really have no idea (or maybe don’t care) what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone who has had this kind of homeschooling experience, please try for a moment to imagine how it would make you feel and what it might lead you to do and then have compassion. Personally, I love to argue and I have a lot of “fight” in me, but for many people who are sharing their story, just finding the words and the strength to do so is incredibly hard and people should not, under any circumstances, be pushing someone who’s telling a survivor story to defend themselves or expect them to deal with the kind of obnoxious behavior I listed above. Thank you.

Comments open below

Becoming Worldly blogs at https://becomingworldly.wordpress.com/

Becoming Worldly was raised Fundamentalist Evangelical in South Louisiana until she was 13. At that tender age she was introduced to the world at large and starting her journey away from home schooling environment.

Her blog is primarily about Quiverfull lifestyle, homeschooling culture and politics, child welfare, PTSD, education, poverty, big families, gender issues, and maybe a few bits of south Louisiana or New England culture and a recipe or craft project or two thrown in, just for fun.

She is a member of NLQ’s The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

 

About Suzanne Calulu
  • K

    I had a good homeschool experience but I will say that no matter how excellent their own experience may have been, I don’t know any homeschoolers who don’t have at least one story of someone they know with a negative experience. We’ve all seen the problems, the only ones who deny it are those who don’t have enough distance from everything to look at it objectively.

  • Rosa

    #2 just absolutely kills me. How do you have a parenting problem that is not a homeschooling problem, since it is the parent who is homeschooling?

  • http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com Retha

    # 5 is something I simply cannot fathom. Truth sets free. Of course we need the bad truths about something. And yes, if a certain thing sometimes give bad fruit, its fruit should be examined and people should see how to weed out the worst.
    The moment someone say he will lie about the bad to protect a system, he puts doctrine over people. Anyone who puts doctrine over people is potentially dangerous.

    Unbelieving commenters on this blog sometimes comment – not just on homeschooling – with attitudes that remind me of #16.

  • http://saralinwilde.wordpress.com Sara Lin Wilde

    #14 drives me nuts. “Abuse is just how kids are raised, but at least now you have an excuse to abuse your own kids”.

    Related: “you’re only saying that because you don’t have any children. When you have kids of your own, you’ll understand.” No! I don’t object to certain parenting/teaching styles because of what it’s like to be a parent. I object because of what it’s like to be a kid, something I’ve had firsthand experience doing. Raising kids isn’t easy but it’s not acceptable to resort to abusive or manipulative behaviour as an adult authority figure and role model. It’s the adult’s job to find a way to make it work without mistreating the child. Full stop.

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