Quoting Quiverfull: Politically Correct?

In which Vaughn Ohlman of True Love Doesn’t Wait writes a Biblical parody..

The following story has been updated to meet the prejudices of today’s readers…

And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age…

(Our story opens outside of Isaac’s tent. He emerges, yawning, to see Eliezer, Abraham’s oldest and most trusted servant, getting a caravan of camels ready for a journey.)

“Hey, Eliezer, what’s up with all of the camels?”

“Oh, master, wonderful news.”

“Kill the ‘master’ thing, Eliezer. I’ve had to talk to you about that before. We aren’t ‘master’ and ‘servant’. That is horribly degrading.”

“Yes, mas… yes, Isaac.”

“So, what’s the news?”

“Oh, your father has sent me on a journey to find you a wife.”

“A wife, eh? That sounds good, but what do you mean ‘sent you’? What do you have to do with it? She would be my wife, no?”

“Well, yes, mast… Isaac. But he sent me to find her, and give the gifts, and bring her back.”

“Well, the old man must be getting senile. He is ‘well stricken in age’ you know. You weren’t thinking of actually listening to him, were you? The very idea of you going and getting a wife for me. But a wife, that’s a good idea. A bit old fashioned, but, you know, it could grow on me. I will go and get her. Where did he say to go?”

“To your fathers brother.”

“What, Bethuel? That’s a huge distance away. And that would make the girl, like, my cousin or something!”

“And, ma… Isaac, your father said you weren’t to leave Cannan.”

“Oh, well that makes sense. I will look for a girl around here. How were you going to go about it?”

“Well, when I got there I would pray to see which girl the Lord would give you, and then I would go to her father, and arrange the match.”

“Praying sounds good, but what is this ‘father’ thing? Good grief, he sends you to get the girl, and tells you to go to her father? I will go right to the girl, of course. But tell me how you would go about it.”

“Well, i was thinking. I want to make sure that she is the right wife, so I would ask the Lord to send me a woman that would be willing to give water to all of the camels.”

“All of the camels? Are you crazy? You make her sound like some kind of servant. No, after I check her out and make sure she looks Ok, I will measure her against these new twenty seven indices of compatibility. Have you seen the papyrus site? It’s supposed to guarantee a fully compatible courtship and marriage. I suppose after that you would have ‘arranged the match’, like you said.

“Well, yes master.”

“And when would you have consulted the poor girl?”

“Well, I assume that we will have lots of time to talk on the way home…”

“On the way home? Eliezer! You are so old fashioned. We live in the eighth century PF now. You have got to move with the times. No, even if you make some sort of arrangement with he father, it isn’t valid until you call her over and ask her if she will marry me. Show her, here I have it in my tent, here, here’s a nice drawing that artist fellow did. Show her this sketch,and talk me up. Tell her all my good qualities.”

“But master, if her father has already agreed…”

“That doesn’t count. I don’t care what he says. No, you bring her back and I will check her out. I hope you choose well, I wouldnt’ want to have to send her back. maybe you could drop me a quick line, a sketch, a brief bio…

“But master, if her father approves, I wouldn’t want to delay my obedience to your father. I would leave the next morning, if your wife is agreeable.”

“The next morning! I thought it was the young man who was supposed to be in a hurry. Good grief, give her at least ten days to, you know, celbrate and all. And pack!

So, you bring her back, what then?”

“Well, I would bring her back to her, and you could take her into your mothers tent and…” the servants voice whispered in Isaac’s ear, and then he said, “and then you would be man and wife.”

“Well,” said Isaac, grinning, “I certainly like your idea of what to do in the tent. But that wouldn’t make her my wife, you know. No, after we had lived together for a while,” Isaac said, poking the servant playfully in the ribs, “We will get engaged, and then we will have a big wedding. I know the girl will want a big wedding, girls always do.”

Isaac mused on this for a while, and then said, “Oh, and by the way. You know Dad is really getting old. I was over in Beersheeba the other day, and they had this really nice nursing home…”

Comments open below

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull honestly and thoughtfully.

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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