Quoting Quiverfull: Sexually Sinning Husbands?

Jolene Engel from The Alabaster Jar answering a letter from a lady wanting to know how to handle her husband’s sexual requests – What’s a Wife to Do When Her Husband Wants Her to Participate in Sexual Sin?

First, let me just say that what I’m about to share can be applied to any sexual sin that a husband wants his wife to participate in.  So, feel free to add pornography to the list because I’m sure there are other wives who are going through this battle with their husbands.  And second, as you said in your letter, sexual immorality is not for you, but let me add to it; it’s also not for any Follower of Christ to take part in.

Now in dealing with your husband.  A wife does not need to hear about her husband’s sexual sin fantasies.  Period.  So my encouragement to you would be to tell him to keep his mouth shut about it!  Of course tell him this in a kind, loving, respectful, and gracious way.  And make sure you maintain some self-control while you do so you don’t haul off and slap him! Because, well, that’s just not walking in the Spirit, now is it?  Him wanting to discuss things that he wants to do with you and other women is not something you’ll tolerate him speaking about.  It’s non-negotiable and it’s not even a conversation you’ll entertain.  Now if your man wants to talk about his sexual fantasies with you that does not involve sin, then by all means feel free to share that with him.

Comments open below

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull honestly and thoughtfully.

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce


About Suzanne Calulu
  • ozymandias

    To me the letter-writer’s husband sounds like he’s polyamorous (like me– I can have monogamous relationships, but I always felt trapped or like something was missing). I feel for both of them: mono-poly relationships are really hard, and especially so if it’s a sin to even think about polyamory.

  • Em

    Maybe the husband just brought up a menage a trois or something like that? It is a really common fantasy for men in America to have, but in my limited experience very, very few ever come close to actually doing it. He could have just been talking dirty, and his wife took it far too seriously.

  • Saraquill

    If it’s just in his head, or performed among mutual consenting adults, why is it so bad?

  • Trollface McGee

    If she isn’t comfortable with the fantasy – then role playing or playing into that fantasy isn’t something she should do. I know that a lot of those churches teach masturbation as sinful but that’d be my advice.
    Reporting someone else’s sexual fantasies where there’s no risk of harm to anyone is a recipe for disaster and potential blackmail – terrible advice.

  • http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/ Retha Faurie

    She is clearly speaking here of something the wife is morally uncomfortable with, something the wife would not want to consent to.

    As such, it seems the only way the man can “perform it between mutually consenting adults”, is:

    a) Pressure her until she say yes despite her moral objections, and then say: “it was consensual, she agreed to it”.


    b) Do this sexual deed with a consensual person who is not his wife, therefore being unfaithful.

    Which of these scenarios is, in your opinion, the one of which you cannot see why it is so bad? The one where she violates her conscience or the one where he cheats on her?

  • Saraquill

    The person quoted above was being so vague, I interpreted what she was saying as “anything that’s not missionary position sex between spouses for the sole purpose of procreation is bad.”

  • Nightshade

    Clicking on the link indicates that he indeed does want to bring another woman into the picture. ‘A few months into our marriage, he revealed to me that he was interested in participating in a threesome with me (and another woman),’ and apparently it is a recurring issue judging by the email quoted on that page.

    That being said, I think telling a man to keep it to himself isn’t the best way to go. Isn’t it better to know what he’s thinking than to be totally clueless until the day she comes home from shopping and finds another woman waiting in their bed with him for her to join in? I realize that may never actually happen, but still I would prefer to know. Can’t fix what you don’t know about, or even decide if it needs fixing if you choose to be willfully ignorant.