This is Suzanne and I have a quick foreword here as an introduction to Vyckie Garrison’s piece.
You know, it’s hard sometimes for people in different stages of healing and different perspectives to actually understand the pain of the other. Until I started reading through the two hundred plus reactions to Vyckie’s post on Facebook I didn’t realize how some of us ex-moms were perceived by the 2nd gen survivors. I’d naively thought that there wasn’t much need for the mom generation to do anything more than say, “How awful!” whenever stories of abuse from the 2nd gen emerged. All of you have made me realize that there can be no tolerance of abuse in the our recovery communities, we all must ban together to support the abused unconditionally. I have all of you to thank for making me understand this and I’m heartily sorry if I offended anyone or made their burden worse by my own ignorant reactions. It was never my intention to make light of Cynthia Jeub’s abuse or that of any other daughter in recovery, again I am deeply sorry.
It’s Fall now, right? And Fall is the season for learning, reflecting and giving thanks.
by Vyckie Garrison
A couple days ago, I posted a link to a No Longer Quivering article in which the former Quiverfull moms of NLQ wrote our apologies to our children who have been harmed as a result of our adherence to the fundamentalist “biblical family values” which emphasize strict gender roles and “instant, joyous obedience.” My introduction to that post was truthfully an offensive piece of crap which was hurtful to second generation Quiverfull survivors. I said that we moms try not to be condescending, but then proceeded to condescend: which sucked and was wrong and I apologize.
The comments to that post (there were over 200), expressed a broad range of feelings as 1st and 2nd generation survivors interacted … sometimes with solidarity and understanding, but also with a lot of unfair and hurtful minimizing, denying, and blaming. When confronted with the pain and abuse which our children experienced as a direct result of the choices we made, it’s fairly common for the moms to respond defensively stating that the abuse “wasn’t that bad” or “we had the best intentions” or “please understand that we were victims too.”
Those of us who have been out of the movement longer and have come to a point in the process of recovery where we are willing to cut out the denial and the defensiveness wrote a series of articles for NLQ which I am linking to here:
While the series is not perfect, I do believe we managed to capture some truths which are representative of the internal and external work which those of us who are leaving and rejecting the Quiverfull worldview and lifestyle must take seriously as we attempt to grow and learn and change to become safe, loving, supportive parents who want to heal and reconcile with our children with respect, kindness and honesty.
The journey of recovery for Quiverfull survivors is painful and it is rarely a straightforward, clearly marked path. The support needs of 2nd generation survivors are unique and complex …. if you were raised in a Quiverfull home and are not already part of the Quiverfull Sorority of Survivors support group, you can contact Heather Doney for more information.