What are you Doing? Chapter 12 Boys Just Wanna Pick Out Cereal?

whatareyoudoingby Suzanne Titkemeyer

Tonight’s chapter is titled “A Help ‘meet'” and I think it’s Vaughn Ohlman’s attempt to be clever, to make a little play on words, as in not a ‘Help Meet’ but help meeting members of the opposite sex that you might actually be able to con into marrying you.

His attempt at cleverness is just making me want to drink copious amounts of tequila already. I have a triple shot glass ready for the reading on Sunday night on Facebook Live Video at 7 pm est. I wonder if I develop alcoholism reading this book if I could sue him and his publisher as being responsible for the state of my liver?

We start again at the Picnic Table of Confession in Perv Pocket Park between the highrises and lowrises pictured on the front of the book. Andrew is there, with his cell phone of course and Sakal, who has nothing better to do but lurk in that park is there and they are disgusting….er…discussing how Andrew can find walking, breathing, cooking, maid/sex doll…errr.. bride.

AA: It certainly does look like, in Bible times at least, the father could choose a wife for his son, or a king for someone else, and even a believer would marry the girl they were given, even if she wasn’t a believer.

And just like that a half page is wasted with Andrew and Sakal quibble about marrying on command no matter if you were a Belieber, err.. believer or not. Newsflash guys, there were no ‘believers’ as you count them back in those days because, hello Captain Obvious, Jesus had not arrived, died and been made the center of a religion yet.

They’re ticking down Andrew’s list of bonafides for a wife after that digression on believers.

AA: A ‘kindred’ spirit.

SD: That sounds very odd. What do you mean by it?

AA: Well, I didn’t say it but it made sense when I heard it. A guy and a girl have to be right for each other when they go into marriage. Their personalities, their interests, need to mesh.

Sakal throws significant shade on that idea immediately. He tells Andrew that kindred spirits have nothing to do with it. He does not say it yet but I know he means that the only thing matters is the fathers picking the partners based on if the gonads line up right and with moolah changing hands for the bride price.

After a little discussion what a Help Meet is Sakal says this.

SD: And, as husbands we are to love our wives; a Biblical process which, if followed, will bind their spirits together, making them ‘kindred’ indeed.

Tequila translation: Enough sex and you’ll be glued together for life.

Andrew puzzles over character and accomplishments, another set of bonafides on his list and Sakal answers with this crazy out of the blue non-sequitur.

SD: There is another issue. I was visiting one of your large stores the other day, and when I walked down the cereal aisle, I saw a hundred choices…just for cereal to eat for breakfast.

This, this!! This passage alone and the following disclaimers of how wherever in the Middle East Sakal is from they don’t have cereal choices reveals just how little of the world Von really understands. Even in convenience stores in Costa Rica, some stores in Kuwait the few days I was there, in Turkey and everywhere in Europe, not to mention more than a few former Communist countries there is a variety of products, even if it’s not all Frosted Flakes or the cereal mentioned in this chapter, Apple Jacks. It’s not just the HEB down the street from Von that offers variety, although variety is sometimes hard to get in the bush country of Africa and in Haiti.

SD: Are there hundreds of girls lined up on a shelf somehere for you to pick from, all of whom would immediately agree to marry you? Or who would even agree to marry you after an extended courtship?

Has Sakal/Vaughn not seen the scads of young unmarried teens and twenties aged folks that populate many of the evangelical churches? There’s plenty of fish in that sea. Von’s making up some sort of marital holocaust or dearth of any partners by comparing girls to cereals on the shelf. At least with cereals you know pretty quickly if you like Wheaties better than Lucky Charms, and sometimes get a prize in the box. You do not get that if you let your daddy pick the first out of date bland bag of knock off Maltomeal off the shelf and say that is your ONLY cereal.

There’s more discussion of lists of girls, getting out there and circulating with party-pooping buzz kill Sakal shooting down Andrew’s ideas each and every time until Andrew asks Sakal if he minds talking to Maydyn (ugh!) and her father. Sakal invites Andrew and the entire Terrefille family over for dinner to ‘talk’.

Andrew rushes off playing with his cell phone and Sakal grins watching Andrew leave as he mentally prepares his ball gag and fuzzy handcuffs to use on Andrew. Ooops, scratch that last bit. It’s just me trying to make this all just a tad less boring and dumb.

And we’re done before I’ve killed off too many brain cells. Lessons from this chapter?

  • Sakal does not like variety in cereal so no one offer him one of those variety packs that Kelloggs makes!
  • Vaughn thinks no one else but HEB has variety of anything, particularly in foreign countries.
  • Vaughn has never traveled outside of the United States.
  • Sakal thinks the right mix of gonads, secondary sexual development and parental choice is the only bonafides you need to get married.
  • Andrew is way too immature to be marrying anyone!

Next chapter is “An (overly) Eager Horny Young Man and it involves most of the characters in the book eating dinner at Sakal’s lair of perversion house. Stay tuned for bashing of Doug Wilson and Bill ‘Grabby Hands’ Gothard and lose all hope as the discussion goes to lust, mental fornication and blessing someone sexually with their daughter.

Side note: Shortly after I wrote this review someone sent me a link to Von’s old blog Vonstakes in the Wayback Machine site that has writings of his approving of polygamy! He’s not any different than Larry Solomon of Biblical Gender Roles apparently. None of these guys should be allowed wives or girlfriends, just robots and sex dolls.

I may need 'Preacher' or 'Hillbilly' measure on this shot glass to get through the chapter.
I may need ‘Preacher’ or ‘Hillbilly’ measure on this shot glass to get through the chapter.

Please feel free to join me on Facebook Live video on Sunday night at 7 pm est on NLQ’s Facebook page. I’m going to be drinking and reading this last chapter live. My poor liver! Oh dear Flying Spaghetti Monster I’ve been reading this book for 15 weeks now!

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Part 13 | Part 14

moreRead more by Suzanne Titkemeyer:

Cultural Impact


Suzanne Titkemeyer is the admin at No Longer Quivering. She’s been out of the Quiverfull Evangelical world for nine years now and lives in the beautiful Piedmont section of Virginia with her retired husband and assorted creatures. She blogs at Every Breaking Wave and True Love Doesn’t Rape

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