Funny: Louis CK denies heaven, insults atheists, suggests God is a homicidal maniac

In a blasphemous but hilarious Saturday Night Live monologue, Louis CK denies heaven, insults atheists, and suggests God is a homicidal maniac.

On his second run as an SNL host, Louis CK asked the existential question: if God is known as “Our Father,” then where the hell is “Our Mother”?

“Where is our mom? Where’s our mom?” he wondered. “What did he do to our mom? Someone’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car for poison and rope.”

Or, he theorized, the Holy Mom is alive but they divorced. “Maybe God’s a single dad. Maybe life is a weekend with dad, and when we die we’re going to Mom’s house.”

When Louis CK took the SNL stage he also insulted atheists, noting “I haven’t seen ‘12 Years A Slave Yet; that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” He also proclaimed his own agnosticism, stating “I’m not religious. I don’t know if there’s a God. That’s all I can say, honestly, is ‘I don’t know’.”

Louis CK went on to say “I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story.”

The following is an excerpt from the monologue, focusing on the material dealing with religion:

Do you guys think there’s a Heaven? If you believe you’re going to Heaven, clap if you think you’re going to Heaven.

[To audience member] You think you’re going to Heaven? [“Yes”] How old are you? [“21”] 21… and you’re a lock for Heaven already… Been a grown-up for three years; you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck.

I don’t think… Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God, but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey God!” And he’s like, “Yep?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a universe and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy dicks down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this room with me now.” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it! I’ve been here since 1983.” Or whenever. I don’t know when God started…

I’m not religious. I don’t know if there’s a God. That’s all I can say, honestly, is “I don’t know.” Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God.” Are you sure? “Yeah, no, there’s no God.” How do you know? “Cause I didn’t see Him.” There’s a vast universe! You can see for about 100 yards — when there’s not a building in the way. How could you possibly… Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom? Where did you look so far? “No, I didn’t see Him yet.” I haven’t seen 12 Years a Slave yet; it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I’m just waiting until it comes on cable.

I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story, is He’s our father and we’re His children. That’s it. “Our father, who art in Heaven.” Where’s our mother? What happened to our mom? What did He do to our mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it, and I want the story. Somebody’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car for bleach and rope and fibers.

Well, how can we not have a mother?! At least, maybe, God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and He’s raising us alone and we’re praying… and He’s like, “I’m trying! It’s just me up here!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time… this is our weekend with Dad, that’s what life is… and then when you die, you go to mom’s house…

The seasoned comedian did nine minutes of fantastic stand up comedy, and brought the house down. As a result, one can only wonder how long it will be before concerned Christians ask that Louis CK be punished for blasphemy.

Enjoy the monologue – the religious remarks begin about 4:00 minutes into the video.

(H/T Friendly Atheist)

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