Why 72 virgins is more like a punishment, not a reward.

Radicals have used this promise to brainwash young men. If you think this one through, it’s not that awesome of a deal.

Let’s just say that the controversial 72 virgins reward wasn’t mistranslated, misinterpreted or otherwise misunderstood. Let’s also overlook the implications that a young woman’s virginity should simply be rewarded to others.

What about females? What reward do they get? Yeah, overlook that one too.

To the sex-driven young male contemplating Jihad, at first, it seems pretty awesome. It looks like this.

Decisions, decisions…

It’s inescapable that the sheer number of virgins means a few things:

  • having sex with the women is to be expected
  • having sex with the women for the first time is the best
  • after a while having sex with the same one gets old / boring
  • one could ‘take the virginity from a virgin’ in the afterlife

Otherwise, it’s pointless to have so many specifically virgin women.

But here’s the logical problem: eternity is a long time.

You would ‘run out of virgins’ in just 72 days. That’s probably a conservative estimate for a teenage male.

Take my wives, please!

So what’s next after the first couple months of virgins? Infinity years of no sex with virgins.

And 72 girls that are probably sick of you too. Imagine infinity years of that conversation.

Remember, a reward for Jihad is lots of sex with virgins. 2 months is just not ‘lots’ when compared to forever. So the moral of the story is: don’t do Jihad. I think.

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  • Matt

    Who wants virgins anyway? Sure it’s cool to snag a few, but after a while the bleeding and crying get old. I’d take one perfect 10 35 year old sex machine that could suck a golf ball through a garden hose over 72 whiney virgins any day.

    • Pteryxx

      *headdesk* There’s more to sex than “bleeding and crying”.

      Even presuming 72 female virgins (who are interested in you, natch) that gives you unlimited opportunities for oral sex (both as provider and recipient), fondling, mutual masturbation, anal, tickling, flogging, erotic dance, and the judicious use of strap-ons.

      Though personally I’d want at least some of my 72 virgins to be suitably open-minded and/or gay guys.

      • Matt

        Yea but you’re starting from scratch with all these people. You have to get past fears, insecurities, general ignorance, etc. unless part of the deal is that from the getgo all 72 of them are sexual masters despite no experience. I’m lazy and would not be up to teaching all of that to 72 people.

        • Justin Griffith

          I guess I’m still concerned about the cultural differences in hygiene. I mean… all those times I saw middle-eastern cooks at the DFAC in Kuwait go out back to the portapotties with a bottle of water in hand. (instead of toilet paper)

        • Pteryxx

          I’m lazy and would not be up to teaching all of that to 72 people.

          Heh! Why not, if you’re stuck with them for eternity anyway? Actually, why assume that just because they’re (female) virgins, they don’t know a lot of this stuff already, and maybe could teach YOU a trick or three?

          (Or does heaven just sort of generate virgins who are mental blank slates, like a cloning vat? Hmm…)

          • Matt

            Well assuming this was the Muslim version of heaven, the blank slates seems likely.

          • Pteryxx

            re blank slates: Blech. You’re probably right on that one, Matt.

  • Magpie

    Are the virgins people? the souls of people? angels? or what? Presumably they have bodies, or ‘female’ and ‘virgin’ wouldn’t apply.

    • Drivebyposter

      They’re virginal sheep.

  • ‘Tis Himself, OM

    When I was 16 with raging hormones then 72 virgins would have been enticing. Now I’ mumblety-mumble years older and I’m more interested in quality, not quantity.

  • Dwayne

    It also requires 72 times as many virginal women as men to die and go to heaven.

    • papango

      Nuns. Heaven’s going to be full of them. Nuns live a long time, and they always like to have a project on. I bet all 72 are old nuns with big plans for our young jihadis.

      • Pteryxx

        …Dang… now I REALLY want there to be an Order of the Divine Soufflé.

        • papango

          Sadly not. It’s going to be an eternity of sitting up straight and wiping that smile off your face.

  • grumpyoldfart

    If I had two virgins in bed with me, I’d have to kick one of them out.

    Seventy-two virgins is just plain silly.

  • Guy Otten

    The entire idea of 72 virgins shouts inequality, unreality, unbridled fantasy, mistreatment of women as property, the opposite of what Christians might call spirituality. It is so clearly a naked device to encourage hot sexually frustrated young men to risk their lives in warfare or violence, on behalf of no doubt older more powerful men. In this last respect it is still working

    • papango

      “How then can man be justified with God? Or how can he be clean that is born of a woman?”

      Christianity has some pretty strong anti-women (the filthy, filthy women) sentiments too. I think you would have a hard time arguing that misogyny would be opposite to Christian spirituality, especially in light of all the evidence to the contrary.

      “In pain shall you bring forth children, woman, and you shall turn to your husband and he shall rule over you. And do you not know that you are Eve? God’s sentence hangs still over all your sex and His punishment weighs down upon you. You are the devil’s gateway; you are she who first violated the forbidden tree and broke the law of God. It was you who coaxed your way around him whom the devil had not the force to attack. With what ease you shattered that image of God: Man! Because of the death you merited, even the Son of God had to die. . . . Woman, you are the gate to hell.” (Tertullian, you sly smooth talker, you had me at ‘he shall rule over you’.)

  • I always thought that they were supposed to be able to renew their virginity. So “virgin” presumably means tight rather than inexperienced. After all, we’re talking about a culture where girls frequently get married off at twelve and give birth at thirteen, so ruined pelvic floors must be very common. Which would leave the man “waving a flag in space.”

    Mind you, I’m applying logic to religion, which is a bit of a non-starter anyway.

  • There’s also the important question: Why does God want virgins anyway?


  • Mattmon

    I’d want 72 porn stars instead of virgins.

  • tms

    “The sadder but wiser girl for me.”

    Prof. Harold Hill

  • Hey, thank you for sharing this, it was really enjoyable.

  • Um, think about adding pictures or far more spacing to your weblog entries to break up their chunky look.