Sideburns should go back to 1860’s regulations

I’m just sayin’…

I’m on leave. Lots of soldiers do embarrassing little cosmetic experiments when we can… because we can.  Mohawks, beards, etc. Our wives all roll their eyes, but, “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!” works every time. (:

Shaving them off tonight. My hair grows fast; that’s only a week or so of intentional mutton chop growth. Bye bye identity crutches!

I used to look like this before I joined the military:

Identity Crutches

RBB performer and atheist anti-folk hero, Jeffrey Lewis has this verse that totally crushed me when I first heard it half a decade ago. But it helped me realize that part of my old ‘rebellion against the man holding me down’ was beginning to be the thing holding me down.

Oh well… why did I even grow these things again? I don’t know. Don’t judge me. Stop judging me! You’re always judging me! YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!

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  • ‘Tis Himself, OM

    When I was in the Navy ever so many years ago we were allowed to have beards. That is, until it was decided we weren’t. The official explanation was that beards interfered with getting a proper seal on various masks (gas masks, Oxygen Breathing Apparatus [OBAs], Emergency Air Breathing [EABs], etc.). However the real reason was that a new Chief of Naval Operations didn’t like beards.

  • James

    I keep ’em tight (short) but take full advantage of the leeway provided for by 670-1. My father was an asshat (no daddy issues so don’t start) but one thing he told me that made sense: “you can’t trust a man with no sideburns.”

  • Mike

    @ ‘Tis Himself, OM

    And of course they have shave chits for people who have sensitive skin and get bumps so they don’t need to shave. I guess they’ll just have to die when the boat gets gassed :P. I always though it was the stupidest rule, we can have mustaches, but not beards.

  • machintelligence

    Sigh. It’s true though. In my line of work I occasionally need to wear a respirator for dust or solvent fumes. My mustache doesn’t interfere with the seal , but the goatee sure did, so I shaved it off decades ago.

  • rukymoss

    It looks like there’s a revision or reinterpretation of 670-1 expected soon, with crap like saluting in civilian clothes, sideburns no lower than the *top* of the earhole, always gotta wear a belt even in civvies if the pants have beltloops, cleanshaven even off-duty. This is the kind of mickey mouse crap that led me not to re-up 30+ years ago. I guess it’s fairly typical when going from war to not-war (I was in just after Vietnam wound down), and I guess the admin types need something to occupy their time, but it’s still anoying as hell. So grow your sideburns while you can!

  • Kit

    I always loved the comment about the Coast Guard and beards – the CG did away with beards about the same time the Navy did and the reason given was that clean-shaven gave a more professional appearance. Herb Caen writing in the San Francisco Chronicle said that if his boat was going down he didn’t want to be resued by a CPA.

  • James

    Haven’t heard about those revisions yet, rukymoss. If true, at least it will give the Command Sergeants Major something to do in garrison. (Just kidding, Sergeant Major!)

  • F

    A man commanding any sort of naval vessel without a beard is an abomination unto the lord.

  • Tony

    What is the reason for the ban on male facial hair (and does it apply to women as well)?

  • sumdum

    Isn’t it nowadays more common ? I read in places like Afghanistan they let their facial hair grow to build something of a connection with the local population or something.

  • rukymoss
  • that_paul

    Facial hair is like a man’s soul, except it’s real. I find it incredibly difficult to trust men without some sort of facial hair and it’s growth should be a rule. At the moment, I am sporting a rather awesome handlebar mustache with a chin strip/chin strap beard. It sets off the Amish duds.

    I will void my beard rule for transvestites, though. I’d never interfere with beauty.

  • The Lorax

    Hey now, those are some fine sideburns. I really think that, eventually, those Victorian fashions are going to come back in style. It’s about time, eh? Frilly collars, vests, porkchop sideburns… we just need to modernize it a bit, and it’ll be all the rage.

  • that_paul

    We could call it Steampunk. I bet the kids will love it!

  • Lori

    I’m so in love with that tattoo. I AM going to get one of my very own. (Just trying to convince myself, the pain doesn’t scare me but the permanent does.)

    Also, did someone just shove a bible in your face in the pic with the cigarette?