Conservative Bible???

Leonard Pitts wrote an article a couple of weeks ago noting that the editors of “Conservapedia” are preparing a “conservative” translation of the Bible that will eliminate all “liberal bias” in extant bible translations (Damn those pointy-headed, bleeding heart, knee-jerk liberal King James translators!). Woo Hoo! I can’t wait to see it! In fact, I think contributors and commentators on this site should offer to help. Here is my offering, the beatitudes for the “conservative” Bible:


Blessed are the fanatical in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Fox News.
Blessed are they that torture: for they shall remain unprosecuted.
Blessed are the loudmouthed: for they shall inherit the town hall meetings.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after presidential birth certificates: for they shall be satisfied that he was born in Kenya.
Blessed are the mendacious: for they are following orders from Dick Armey.
Blessed are the pure in ideology: for they shall see Bill O’Reilly.
Blessed are the shooters of abortion doctors: for they shall be called the children of Bill O’Reilly.
Blessed are they which do thump Bibles for my sake: for they shall inherit the Republican Party.
Blessed are ye, when liberals shall revile you, and shall say that you are ignorant rubes, bigots, and wingnuts. Yea, those smarty-pants shall receive their comeuppance.
Rejoice and be exceeding glad, Congressman: for great is your reward from the large corporations when you vote the way they tell you.

About Keith Parsons
  • PersonalFailure

    Blessed are the poor, for they shall enjoy a lifetime of slaving for the rich.

    May I also suggest a reinterpretation of Matt 19:24?

    I tell you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a poor man to get health insurance, for this is how god wanted it, you socialist, you.

  • Humanist.Observer

    I think it is quite evident that all reference to Jesus healing the sick and poor must be struck from this conservative bible.

  • Ross

    Cheap shots 'r' us.

  • Keith Parsons

    Cheap shot? Ridiculous things deserve ridicule. Here's more.

    The Decalogue for the Conservative Bible:

    I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of liberalism, out of the house of the welfare state.

    Thou shalt have no other gods before money.

    Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Thy idols shall all be on Fox News.

    Thou shalt not take the name of the Republican Party in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who is Republican in name only.

    Remember the Sabbath day to keep it for the NFL games.

    Honor thy father and mother by opting out of sex ed classes.

    Thou shalt not kill, except those whom Dick Cheney despiseth, and their bodies mayest thou pile up.

    Thou shalt not commit adultery. But if thou be a "family values" congressman, it can be overlooked.

    Thou shalt not steal, unless thou be the CEO of a large corporation, an investment banker, or a hedge fund manager. Then shouldst thou make out like unto a bandit.

    Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor be a liberal, feminist, environmentalist, evolutionist, atheist, or Democrat.

    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions. Rather, thy philosophy shall be "Get thine!!!"

  • Ross

    How is it ridiculous?

  • Victor Reppert

    I take it that "Sell all that you have and give to the poor" is a mistranslation. It should be rendered "Sell all that you have and give it to the Republican National Committee."

  • Keith Parsons

    Ha Ha! Good one Victor! Actually, it irks me that the "Conservapedia" types even label themselves "conservative." These are not scions of Edmund Burke. What passes for "conservatism" in the United States now is really a kind of Ur-Fascism, as Umberto Eco calls it (see Five Moral Pieces published by Harcourt). Further, it is a kind of Ur-Fascism that has been with this country since the beginning, and has always been strongest in the South.

    The South (of which I am a native son) has always represented a distinctly different set of values from the rest of the country. The Founding Fathers were true men of the Enlightenment, and were skeptical, secular, and rational. They admired science and were deeply disdainful of any sort of “enthusiasm,” dogmatism, or narrow sectarianism. Brooke Allen’s Moral Minority: Our Skeptical Founding Fathers is an excellent book on this.

    The South, on the other hand, has always preserved the feudal, pre-Enlightenment values of the old world. Southern culture is patriarchal, hierarchical, authoritarian, traditional, religious, and has an ethic based on honor rather than reason. Anti-intellectualism is strongest in the South. A southerner is not supposed to be reflective, but is supposed to act on intuited and traditional values. The clash between the American and the Southern mindsets has always been there, and it is times like these that it is particularly obvious.

    Of course, the South has been scorned for its backwardness and devotion to the outmoded since the Republic began. It has been defeated many times—most notably in 1865, but also after the Scopes trial in 1925, and, most recently, with the election of Barack Obama. Each defeat just increases the sense of hostility, alienation, and defiance and the outrage born of humiliation. No reconciliation or cooperation with this mindset is possible. This is the intractable problem with this country and it has no solution.