Leonard Pitts wrote an article a couple of weeks ago noting that the editors of “Conservapedia” are preparing a “conservative” translation of the Bible that will eliminate all “liberal bias” in extant bible translations (Damn those pointy-headed, bleeding heart, knee-jerk liberal King James translators!). Woo Hoo! I can’t wait to see it! In fact, I think contributors and commentators on this site should offer to help. Here is my offering, the beatitudes for the “conservative” Bible:
(FROM THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO SARAH, KING RUSH VERSION)
Blessed are the fanatical in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Fox News.
Blessed are they that torture: for they shall remain unprosecuted.
Blessed are the loudmouthed: for they shall inherit the town hall meetings.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after presidential birth certificates: for they shall be satisfied that he was born in Kenya.
Blessed are the mendacious: for they are following orders from Dick Armey.
Blessed are the pure in ideology: for they shall see Bill O’Reilly.
Blessed are the shooters of abortion doctors: for they shall be called the children of Bill O’Reilly.
Blessed are they which do thump Bibles for my sake: for they shall inherit the Republican Party.
Blessed are ye, when liberals shall revile you, and shall say that you are ignorant rubes, bigots, and wingnuts. Yea, those smarty-pants shall receive their comeuppance.
Rejoice and be exceeding glad, Congressman: for great is your reward from the large corporations when you vote the way they tell you.