Jesus Wants You to Starve the Poor

From Good Christian Michelle Bachmann:

And Jesus spake unto them saying, “Blessed are the rich, for they shall dine sumptuously. Verily, tiramisu and foie gras are their just rewards, for wealth is ever the product of godly diligence. But woe unto the poor! Bitterness shall be their meat and sorrow their drink, for, yea, the poor are but slothful and indolent, even though they be but two years old.

Verily, it is easier for the rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven for he hath given St. Peter a big tip.

Tax ye not the rich for their riches do trickle upon all. Yea, their enjoyment of yachts and polo ponies shalt thou not infringe.

Thou hast heard that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is the unforgivable sin. Not so, I say unto you, but poverty shall not be forgiven in this world or the next. The poor shall be cast into the outer darkness where they will gnash their teeth, being so goddamn hungry.”

Excerpt from The Sermon from the Country Club; The Gospel According to Bachmann, Chapter V; The Republican Bible

About Keith Parsons
  • L.Long

    Thanks for reminding me of those forgot parts of the word of jesus.
    Now I feel better with the rich and their actions.

    • Keith Parsons

      L. Long,

      Ha Ha! Yeah, I do wonder what Bible these characters are consulting. In my Bible, Jesus always–ALWAYS–sides with the poor against the rich. Today’s right-wingers would viciously attack Jesus as one fomenting “class warfare.” Over the years I have been amused watching the contortions of conservative apologists who try to explain away the verses in which Jesus castigates and reproves the rich. My favorite is the one where they try to deal with Jesus’ saying that it is harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Lots of luck with that, Koch brothers! But, according to the apologists I have heard, Jesus was not literally referring to the eye or a needle, but to a gate in Jerusalem that was so narrow that it was metaphorically called “the eye of the needle.” In other words, it is not impossible for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, only a really, really tight squeeze!

  • Kenny

    You think Jesus is bad, try the prophets!

    “[The LORD] looked for justice but saw injustice, for righteousness, but heard cries of wretchedness. Woe to those who add house to house and join field to field until there is no more room and you alone are left in the land … Woe to those … who acquit the guilty for a bribe and deprive the innocent of justice. Therefore, as a tongue of fire consumes straw and as dry grass shrivels in the flame, so their roots will become like something rotten and their blossoms will blow away like dust, for they have rejected the instruction of the Lord of Hosts, and they have despised the word of the Holy One of Israel. Therefore the Lord’s anger burns against His people.” (from Isaiah 5)

    “‘I will come to you in judgment, and I will be ready to witness … against those who swear falsely; against those who oppress the widow and the fatherless, and cheat the wage earner; and against those who deny [justice to] the foreigner. They do not fear Me,’ says the Lord of Hosts.” (Malachi 3:5)

    The prophetic books mostly consist of God threatening to kill people in gruesome ways if they don’t treat the poor, aliens (!), widows, and orphans better. Most people who try to use the Bible for political ends seem never to have read it.