A date for God's diary

A date for God's diary June 3, 2009

ON July 18, a rag-tag collection of Christian numpties will embark on a “March of Repentance” from London’s Hyde Park, where there is a sizeable population of pigeons, but precious few seagulls.turnsignandcones-small
Good news for Stephen “Birdshit” Green, who, we assume, will be putting in an appearance at the event.
The march, according to Repent UK’s FAQ, will be:

A gathering of humbled believers seriously wanting to join with others in pleading before His throne of Grace.

What won’t it be?

A procession with no meaning, a pious or self-righteous exhibition.

So what will these bozos be repenting of?

We are repenting of our own inactivity and silence, our lack of courage and faith in His word, our unwillingness to speak out ‘in the great congregation’ and our failure to discharge our responsibility to pray and witness with the mind of God into our nation.

An unnamed clergyman flanked by Stephen Green, left, and Steve McCreery
An unnamed clergyman flanked by Stephen Green, left, and Steve McCreery
We are not told whether this “inactivity” includes the failure to incinerate heretics and witches, and stone homosexuals.
Will they be repenting on behalf of millions of non-believers like us? Or for the nation as a whole?

No. Only the Queen in Parliament can do that.

Will the media pick it up?

We don’t know if the secular media will, although the Christian media are taking an interest already. But our audience is not the media, it is the Almighty. We believe the Lord will see and hear from heaven, and when He sees us doing what little we can, and hears our cries, we believe He will send a miracle, if not a miracle of repentance, then something equally astounding.

What, like a whopping great expenses claim for providing a listening ear, and the odd bolt of lightning?
So, who exactly is behind the march?
Someone called Steve McCreery, whom we assume is a cohort of Green, because we managed to find him pictured last December at Sermonaudio.com with the unreconstructed misery-guts from Christian Voice, and a man wearing a god collar. Furthermore, we learn from Bartholomew’s Notes on Religion that McCreery’s website is registered to Christian Voice.
The only other picture of McCreery on the net shows only his legs dangling high above the earth. He appears to be in Rapture rehearsal mode in the shot he placed on the Christian networking site, Premier Community.
Apart from that we know absolutely nothing about McCreery, and if anyone can fill in the blanks, we would love to learn more.
Heaven-bound McCreery
Heaven-bound McCreery
Green, meanwhile, has gone suspiciously quiet. There has been nothing new to amuse us on his Christian Voice website for months – not even the results of his “Marriage and Family in the Bible” contest which closed on April 20, 2009.
According to CV:

Your essay can have any title, so you can be as inventive as you wish, but you will need to show to the best of your ability how marriage and the family, based on the union of one man and one woman for life, were the plan of God from the beginning of time and backed up by Jesus Christ Himself.

The essays, if any were ever received, must have been a barrel of laughs, and we really do think they should be made available. Come on, Mr Green, it would be the Christian thing to do.

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  • Marriage and Family in the Bible contest?
    How did I miss such a competition?
    I would base my entry on a Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick regarding Marriage and why you menfolk should stay away from women.
    "The most Christ-like among us are those who devoted their lives to Jesus and never allowed themselves to be polluted with woman.
    The rest of us were allowed to marry only so we wouldn't sin.
    As Paul wrote: "Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
    Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife" (1 Corinthians 7:1-2). The most worthy of God's children are the eunuchs, men who never defiled themselves with fleshly contact (Matthew 19:10-12). The rest of us are weak, and since we are weak, we must marry, for if we cannot remain virgins, "it is better to marry than to burn" (1 Corinthians 7:9).
    Not only did Jesus want us to refrain from marriage on earth, He expressly told us we will have no families in Heaven.
    Tip: To get the best seats in Heaven, keep away from women. Better still, become a Eunuch.

  • Robert Stovold

    "you will need to show to the best of your ability how marriage and the family, based on the union of one man and one woman for life, were the plan of God from the beginning of time and backed up by Jesus Christ Himself"
    Polygamists in the Bible include (Gen. 31:17), Esau (Gen. 36:6) Rehoboam (2 Chron. 11:21), Gideon (Judges 8:30), Solomon (1 Kings 11:13) and David (2 Sam. 5:13, 1 Chron. 14:3).
    David's evidently a fine role model for us immoral atheists, as he was “a man of God” (Neh. 12:36)… “like an angel of God” (2 Sam. 19:27). 'He [God] testified concerning him: “I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart. He will do everything I want him to do”' (Acts 13:22).
    A conversation about polygamy that took place between Mark Twain and a Mormon:
    “Can you find for me a single passage of Scripture which forbids polygamy?” “Certainly,” replied Twain. “‘No man can serve two masters.”

  • valdemar

    'We believe the Lord will see and hear from heaven, and when He sees us doing what little we can, and hears our cries, we believe He will send a miracle, if not a miracle of repentance, then something equally astounding.'
    If this doesn't scream 'loony' to the average Brit, nothing will. Christians really are strange – not persecuted, as they so often bleat, just self-selecting for enshunment. (I know enshunment isn't a word, but I'm putting it on the interwebs in the hope trendy young people will pick it up and use it in their discos etc.)

  • Dave_L

    Talitha: Women are too nice to stay away from.
    I find it amazing amazing they described themselves as humble. In the words of Christopher Hitchen "Don't mind me, I'm just humbly on an erand from God". It just reeks of hypocrasy.
    I like the little Twain quote; simple, intelligent and very witty.

  • What exactly is the 'secular media', or is that McCreepy's phrase for TV stations and newspapers that don't show overwhelming bias towards Christianity?
    The CV site does have a quite new section called Brutal Britain, where virtually every day Green archives any news story about murder, extreme thuggery, paedophilia and homosexuality (now which of those is the odd one out?). Do we deduce that he overdid the press releases to the point where editors came to see him as an attention-craving caricature that they are better off ignoring?

  • '…an attention-craving caricature that they are better off ignoring?'
    A bit like God then. And Mad Mo. And Blair. And…

  • Very magnanimous of you valdemar. One thing I do know about trendy disco young 'uns is they do like things to begin with an 'e'.

  • Why do they need to go on a march to contact god? I thought that he listened to all their prayers. I'm sure this wasn't their intention but I for one am going to view this march as an admission that prayer doesn't work so now their gonna try marching ( A divinely inspired idea no doubt). Another own goal by the god squad!

  • I expect the ringleaders are secretly hoping people object to this or produce just enough criticism that can be twisted into a row about freedom of speech. Even simple, unbiased coverage is at least profile-raising. Why do you think Birdshit had to go 'witness' all those Mardi Gras in person as opposed to staying at home and praying for us?

  • Are you referring to that time The Bearded One was arrested at a Gay Pride march in Cardiff for handing out pieces of paper with his phone number on it?
    I detect more than a hint of Pastor Ted in our favourite fundie.

  • Very funny Robert – "Mark Twain" was a real wit! Of course, it would be churlish of me to point out that if "marriage and family life, based on the union of one man and one woman for life" was the "plan of God from the beginning of time", then it was most spectacularly NOT "backed up by Jesus Himself"!! Doh!!!!!

  • Have you ever read "The History of Mr Polly" (by H. G. Wells – one of my favourite authors)? Lacking much formal education, Polly was always making up academic-sounding words, usually by means of adding nonsensical suffixes to existing words. He`d have no doubt labelled your effort "most impressivementatious"!!

  • I know – as if God`s going to be impressed by the march and say: "Hey – I`d better do something about this!" It`s too funny for words really!!

  • Are any of you guys old enough to remember Mary Whitehouse and The Festival of Light? It all created a lot of hot air and precious little else, I`m pleased to say. I believe Loony Lord Longford was also involved, as, of course, was our very own "Peter Pan of Botox", St Richard of the Cliff! I bet he steers well clear of THIS bunch of nutters!!
    PS I had to laugh at the very idea of Birdshit Green apologizing to God for his "silence"! We`re all sick of the sound his voice!!!

  • Stuart H.

    I think they're not very familiar with the calendar. How do you have a March of Repentance in July?
    Then again, speaking as someone who used to work with the long term mentally ill, I doubt 'march' would be the word for a gathering of free-range lunatics out for a walk- more like an omnidirectional wandering.
    I do hope there's only a few of them, and someone has Sat Nav, otherwise the men in white coats could be overworked.

  • When Mary Whitehouse snuffed it the Freethinker gave her a brilliant eulogy. The cover of that edition had a picture of two people laughing and raising glasses at a party under the heading "Mary Whitehouse dead, a nation mourns." My absolute favourite freethinker cover ever.
    As for the marchers, good luck to them it's a free country. But they are completely mental though aren't they?

  • William Harwood

    So the Uncle Toms are staging a march to show their Simon Legree in the sky that they are "good niggers" who dissociate themselves from John Brown's dirty egalitarians who want to free the world from the mind slavery of the god perversion. Has it ever occurred to the godphuqt that, if they are determined to live in a fascist theocracy where thought is a crime, they can move to Iran, Israel, Texas, or Alberta (which has just passed a law allowing parents to withdraw their children from school classes that teach any discovery of science that the parents do not want them to know)?

  • Natalie Mccreery

    Dear Barry Duke
    You asked for information on Mr Stephen McCreery, Please feel free to contact me I am his daughter (first born in marriage)he has several more outside. I believe he now hides behind God, I personal hope he burns in hell.