Jesus Christ: 'I turned wine into water – alcohol is bad for you'

Jesus Christ: 'I turned wine into water – alcohol is bad for you' August 7, 2016

A former bus driver and bed-and-breakfast owner – who changed his name from John Edward Birtwhistle to Jesus Christ after memories of his run-in with the authorities 2,000 years ago came flooding back to him – hopes to become a member of parliament for Burnley in Lancashire.
According to this report, Christ, 77, changed his name by deed poll in 1996 after people started calling him “Jesus” because he had “the ability to heal people”.
He said:

Things started to happen like healing. I thought I’ve never done that before in my life. One of my customers was coming down the stairs and fell. He really badly injured his neck. So I went over and I just put my hands on him and said: ‘Are you alright, I hope you’re not hurt’.
He said ‘No, I’m alright now’. They’re calling me Jesus and this person fell down the stairs, injured his neck badly and this healing took place instantly. I thought there must be something in this.

Christ gave up the B&B he was running and cycled to London to live among the homeless.
He realised that he was the Son of God when memories came back to him in dreams.
He recalled:

When I was here 2,000 years ago I was teaching these people how to live in harmony with the spirit and it was all to do with nature; grow your own food, eat fruit and veg and only drink water.
People say Jesus changed water into wine. I didn’t do that, I changed wine into water. Alcohol is bad for you.

Despite being treated with scepticism and ridicule Christ – who suffers from shingles and had a stroke two years ago – does not plan to stop doing God’s work. He said:

People spat at me, shouted at me. I’ve had people get hold of me and shake me. It’s not nice. They didn’t like my name. They hated it. I don’t have any friends. They talk nice to your face but stab you in the back when you’re not looking.

He’s now drawn up a new election manifesto with policies including weekly bin collections, free bus passes for  those over 60, getting rid of TV licences and children being taught at home by their parents.
He said:

Two thousand years ago I went against the government. I told them who I was, what I was here for and that the people were going to have a better life. They got rid of me because I went against the government. They crucified me.

In an interview with Pink News, Christ addressed the issue of homosexuality:

If someone wants to be homosexual, that it up to them.


In God’s eyes it is wrong. It is alright if they want to be friends but if it comes down to the physical side, it’s not. It is their choice. We mustn’t interfere.

God allows free will. If a homosexual comes into a church that person must be treated with respect. You can’t go round condemning people. You could say murder is wrong but you have still got to forgive that person.
When two people love each other, the creator gives them the go ahead. It is being allowed. We shouldn’t condemn it or agree with it.
I presume it wasn’t mentioned 2000 years ago because there weren’t as many homosexuals as there are today. But we should show respect, if you do it, you do it.

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  • Broga

    Jesus Christ is a shoe in to be the next MP for Burnley. With his abilities how can he fail?
    “People say Jesus changed water into wine. I didn’t do that, I changed wine into water. Alcohol is bad for you.”
    Great news. Now Christ can go through the bible and correct all the mistakes, absurdities and contradictions. This must be so exciting to Christians including Papa in the Vatican.

  • barriejohn

    When I was here 2,000 years ago I was teaching these people how to live in harmony with the spirit and it was all to do with nature; grow your own food, eat fruit and veg and only drink water.
    Has he ever read the Bible, do you think?

  • Ate Berga

    Finally, he is back. The line between sanity and deluded just became thinner. Best wishes for the next 2000 years!

  • andym

    It’s actually the OT that is normally quoted an example of the veganism he seems to advocate. Daniel is said to have eschewed all offers of rich food while a captive and became healthier and stronger.
    Of course that is just cherry-picking, but modern research does offer strong evidence in favour of a plant-based diet. Having a crank like this advocate it can only draw those arguments into disrepute.

  • Neil

    OK lets hope this nutter ascends back to heaven really soon.

  • AgentCormac

    Maybe he should consider changing his name to Stark Raving Bonkers.

  • John

    I have no argument with his election manifesto policies.
    Compared to some religionists, he sounds almost sane.
    If he stands in a predominantly muslim constituency, he will probably be elected – if he can really turn wine into water.
    Overall, he seems like a lonely harmless elderly crank.

  • barriejohn

    @andym: The whole Book of Daniel is pure fiction, written AFTER the events foretold, so giving the impression of “fulfilled prophecy” – which is why it is a great favourite of premillennialist Christians. The godly young men eschewed the king’s meat, and the fact that they were found to be more healthy on their diet of “pulse and water” only by God’s miraculous intervention is evidence that the Biblical writers did NOT recommend a vegetarian or vegan diet. Sorry to pick you up on that, but I had years of these erroneous “facts” being banged into my head as young Christian!

  • L.Long

    Shows how stoopid this dimwit is!!!
    “Jesus Christ: ‘I turned wine into water – alcohol is bad for you’”
    Water was changed into wine one way or another because NO ONE drank the water!!! As water was literally bad for you!!! So people drank wine or beer as a sanitation procedure!!
    And wine is NOT bad for you! You maroon! Excessive alcohol is bad for you!

  • andym

    @ Barrie. You’ve done gone and educated me again! Obviously I didn’t take the Daniel story as historical fact, but I didn’t realise that the “Daniel Fast”, as it’s become known, was there as a sub-standard diet that only worked with divine intervention.

  • tonye

    Is this any different to the totally made up version approved by christian churches?
    Both bollocks!

  • barriejohn

    The Old Testament is full of references to the predilection of both Jews and their god for meat and fat, and even in the Gospels we read:
    “The father said to his servants, `Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.” (Luke 15:22-24)
    All references to The Maker’s Diet, The Bible Diet, Ezekiel Bread, The Daniel Fast, and so on, are pure nonsense.
    “And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs.” (Gen.9: 2-3)

  • AgentCormac

    Spot on!

  • John

    ‘Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you.’
    That must mean that all the meat – animal or fish – that we now eat fails this criteria, for they all neither move nor live at the time when we begin to eat them.
    Presumably, to pass the test of Genesis 9: 2-3, it would be necessary to pursue a living moving animal and – depending on its size – jump on its back and begin eating it until such time as it either stops moving or living?
    Rather hard if you want to eat elephant meat!
    Smaller animals or fish could possibly be held in one or two hands and – while still moving and living – be eaten until they too ceased moving or living.
    Some animals – like, say, chickens – would be hard to eat in this way as one would presumably have to rely solely upon one’s teeth to tear off its skin in order to reach the raw flesh underneath, which could then be eaten.
    Attempting to eat a live moving chicken in one’s hands would surely generate a lot of feathers in one’s mouth?
    The more one considers these allegedly sage words of “advice” on what to eat and not eat, the more one must come to the conclusion that whoever generated this “advice” is completely mad.
    Is that not logically so?
    There is – seemingly – no “advice” on cooking or pre-digesting different forms of food – is there?

  • Angela_K

    The “care in the community” policy for those with mental health was always a bad idea. I like this nutter, he is doing a lot of damage to religion.

  • Tom Hall

    I am a regular reader of this blog and have been for years. I think some of the comments with regards to this article are outrageous! Neil, if that is how your mind works, I think you need help! Such a moronic unthinking comment ,others are not much better. The guy gave up his goods and is working with the homeless. Credit to the man may he live on! Free ” Thinkers “! what is in a name? Tom Hall

  • barriejohn

    “What is in a name?” Well – if you think that you are Jesus Christ and lived two thousand years ago, quite a lot, I would say. If this guy really believes that then he is mentally ill. And how, exactly, is giving up your job and “living amongst the homeless” supposed to help them? Whatever the case, he’s talking nonsense.

  • John the Drunkard

    Hmm. A ‘healing’ so instantaneous that no one can even PRETEND to have diagnosed the injury?
    Too bad they can’t work that one at Lourdes.

  • Tom Hall

    I understand that he is “talking nonsense”! Retired 77 years of age ,suffering schizophrenia. I also doubt he put his money into a trust fund! He also seems a pretty good advocate for them, he is on your blog! Do you honestly think that anyone takes him seriously? Do you equate my comment “What is in a name” with regards to the free thinkers to that of an elderly schizophrenic who believes he is a non existent entity called jesus Christ? Due to this some people call for earlier demise? The pejoratives used “nutter etc” belong to the school yard or local boozer, they do not need thinking about!

  • Tom Hall

    It seems I am posting comments I have made previously! though I am not

  • Laura Roberts

    A stroke two years ago pretty much tells the whole story. The poor old fellow clearly needs help.

  • Paul

    He doesn’t have any friends.
    Hold on neither did the biblical Jesus Christ as, likely he wasn’t real.

  • sailor1031

    @JohnTD: Lourdes? well if they didn’t think of it before you can bet those RCC charlatans will be examining the idea now to see if they can get away with it with their uncritical mind-benumbed pilgrims. After all it’s their boss JC talking.
    What I don’t get is when this guy came back was he trailing clouds of glory? how did the MSM miss that? how did the Major government miss that? and does this mean that Donald Trump really is the antichrist and we’re officially in the last days – finally?

  • Broga

    This sad man is sick.