The Death of a Useful Monster

Unlike Ariel, this mermaid lives not to make children glad but to kill and eat them. Read more

88 Seconds I Just Can’t Survive

Even knowing every frame and detail, I cannot get through this short, simple PSA without sobbing. Read more

Where the Ground Can Swallow You Whole

In parts of northern Europe, one wrong step can be your last. Read more

“All Pleasures Should Be Tainted By That Knowledge”

A fictional Lincoln peers into the abyss. Read more

Urgent Message from Aging Colon

I began the sad, hopeless half-run of the sphincter-clenched, thighs locked together, lower legs flailing in little half circles below conjoined knees like a broken marionette. Read more

Against Real-Thingism

Somewhere around the Crown & Trumpet, a visitor begins to realize there’s something wrong with Broadway. Read more

Nasty Statues, British Edition

Why does the wretched Oliver Cromwell have a statue by Parliament? Read more

Hitler the Cheating Penguin

Some people are such cheaters. Read more

The Art of Self Confusion

I’ll end up eating deer droppings in a cave while the authorities look for my body in all the places those clear and simple arrows were pointing toward. Read more

The Fourth Thing Cows Hate

When another hiker entered a herd of cows, I looked around for high ground from which to view the carnage. Read more

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