One Thing I Have Learned During Radio Class Lunch Breaks:
1) That for the last semester or so, that every Justin Beiber song is sung off-key and has lyrics like “wah mah la la laaa faaaa fffmmmm hrum…” instead of proper words.
This is because the majority of Beiber songs that I’ve heard have been sung by another student during lunch with a level of enthusiasm in negative correlation to both accuracy and tone. This somehow does not in any way influence the enjoyment everyone has of hearing these songs, because of the unashamed and admirable passion of the singer in question for Beiber’s compositions.
If I ever hear a real Beiber song, I am certain to be disappointed to learn that he knows the words to his own tunes. And that he doesn’t sing with vuvuzela accompaniment.
Three Bad Ideas For Radio Shows
1) Pretending I was being attacked by a wombat during a live show and flinging myself under the desk under a hail of pens is not the best way to impersonate a wombat attack.
2) Ordering a drop bear costume that arrived too late for a Halloween show and now wearing the item in question around the house and realising that I hate onesies with a hatred usually reserved for stuffed bell peppers.
3) Trialling Marilyn Manson-style contact lenses on a whim in preparation for the same Halloween show and discovering that I cannot stand touching my own eyeballs and then feeling for a week as if my eyes were alien creatures lodged inside my skull like blood-filled wet grapes and feeling tremendous sympathy for anyone who has to come in contact with their own eyes on a regular basis, like we should give optometrists tax free shelters or something. Would have lost my way out of the house, let alone getting to class, if I wore them. Disgusting. No wonder Marilyn Manson freaks people out.
Five Things I Hope Never To Say On Air Again
1) “Bring along the whole family! Like, the little things… crawling about. Children, that’s it.”
aka “That lower dash line thing, what’s it again? That low line. Low line on the keyboard… sitting on the line. What is it again? There’s a name for it…”
3) “Thanks for listening to the show – let’s face it, you’re the parents and we love you for doing this for us, good to know you’re out there taking the time to be so encouraging.”
4) “I couldn’t disagree more. Not sure why, I think it’s because I said I’d be the devil’s advocate in the team during the break – what was the question again?”
5) “The time is now oh god there’s a spider quick kill it kill it not with the magazine you’ll hit the off…”