Your Assignment in Heaven

I stumbled on this the other day while doing some research. I love it when I find absurd stuff like this — it’s fascinating what some people can actually believe.

On a message board, Kathy asks “BibleProbe” what heaven is going to be like and what our heavenly jobs will be. Here’s his answer. And, yes, he is serious.

Yes Kathy:

This will be your assignment in heaven, should you accept it.

You will be on the comittee to recommend to God what new dimensions you want to see God create. In order to perform this job efficiently, you have to become an expert on the dimensions that already exist beyond the veil of this present earth dimension.

As a collateral duty, you will be in charge of the angels who constantly travel between earth and heaven carrying tears in bottles, which get deposited in the great depository in heaven known as the “Hall of Tears”. Every tear that a Christian has shed is stored there.

On your day off you go “creation gliding“. This is where you zoom at the speed of sound throughout all creation. What’s unique about this creation gliding is that as you ask questions in your mind about what you see — you instantly are told the answer via a special “back channel” link to God. Time is no barrier for a “creation glider”.

You can stand with Jesus as He meets with Moses and Elijah, you can watch as the Red Sea gets parted, and marvel at all the demons who immediately just understood their predictament and doom as Jesus says; “It is finished”. Or, you can watch the small Spartan band hold off the Millions of Persians at Thermopylae in 480 BC. You will marvel at their skill, courage and patriotism. The next time you “creation glide” you may even visit George Washington and his troops as he slips out of Brooklyn and from a sure annihilation by the British under the cover of a miraculous fog. What you really want to see is if God “fixed it” for old George to insure Israel had a friend later on down the line.

That’s, uh, quite an imagination he has there. Maybe he should have considered a career in writing fiction. Though I suppose theology is pretty close…

Update: Many of you are having a hard time believing this is real. Check out his site. He’s seriously insane.

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  • Sock

    I don’t believe that’s real. I don’t believe that guy really thinks that.

    If he does, then I want it proven through scientific method that he really does think that, otherwise I refuse to believe that anyone could be that mentally inhibited.

  • Ian Andreas Miller

    “You will be on the comittee to recommend to God what new dimensions”

    That would suck.

    I have a particular liking for length, width, height, and time.

  • Proto

    Creation gliding sounds about as much fun as watching paint dry. The speed of sound happens to be very, very slow from a time dilation standpoint.

  • Pascalle

    And where does this guy get this from?
    Did “god” call him and say.. Oy.. we got some job openings.. this is what they are.

    Stuff like this makes me sigh and shake my head.
    But what i would find worse, is if anybody actually _believes_ this guy.

  • Martin

    Yes, science sure is the method most based on faith…

    Imagination is a great thing, but it is not knowledge. To present it as such is a conscious deception, regardless of whether one really, really, really believes in it.

  • Sunny Ng

    Should one choose to accept it? And if one doesn’t can one just laze around in the clouds?

  • alphonsuspeck

    I don’t know. This sounds exactly like the kind of sarcasm I could use if I were asked such a question and felt like having a little fun with the person. The answers are so ridiculous that they are almost of Biblical proportion….


    So, yeah. Maybe.

  • jen

    “Maybe he should have considered a career in writing fiction. Though I suppose theology is pretty close…”

    And this sort of “theology”, which consists of making up an answer that you think/hope will sound good to your audience *is* fiction.

  • dr.R.

    Cool, a special “back channel” link to god…. What would be the bandwidth?

  • Dan Gilbert

    LOL! You find the craziest stuff, Daniel! Keep up the great work! :-)

  • Patrick

    There you have it folks! All wrapped up in its own little nutshell. Who could possibly want or expect more out of heaven?

    I wonder why there is even a need for glass bottles to store tears? Or why it is, somehow, worthwhile to store them in a great “depository?” What a waste of space. Couldn’t they be used for “puified” and used for irrigation in some parched desert region?

    Of all the things I could do as a “creation glider,” I think I could find other periods in history to watch besides George Washington moving through a “miraculous fog,” or Spartans slaughtering Persians. What a failure of imagination!

    “Rightly are the simple so called.” – Christopher Hitchens

  • Digital Dame

    This has GOT to be a Poe. Seriously, the speed of sound? Did he mention if there would be sonic booms in heaven? That’d get old pretty quick.

  • Mrs. Grackle

    They have a bottled tear depository up there? You mean I don’t need to continue saving my own? What about fingernails? Please advise ASAP.

  • LRA

    You outta see what this crackpot says about nephilim:

    He thinks that giants (nephilim), which appear across cultures, are fallen angels.

    Ummm, human growth hormone problems anyone?

    What an idiot (or a poe).

  • Mixter

    I love goofy stuff like this.

    Hey, you can also plan your trip to heaven!


  • Mark D

    Yes, they do believe it and they are nuts. Just watch this. (notice there are no non-whites in heaven)

  • Johnny Cache

    A few years ago I was at the Louvre in Paris. There was this one painting of the baby Jesus that looked like he he was riding down from heaven on a boogie board. I’m sure it was someone’s sincere attempt (in a primitive theistic sort of way) at depicting such a heavenly event, but it was the funniest looking thing I’ve ever seen. I kid you not. When I read “creation gliding” it was the first think I thought of.

  • claidheamh mor

    Holy Moley! I checked out his site like you said, Daniel, and like you said, he’s seriously insane.

    Hubble has found a giant astronomical cross in the sky; there is a link between abortion and breast cancer; Jesus is against homosexuals (Roy Zimmerman is right: Jesus didn’t say squat about them)…

    And this gem:

    Israel became a nation again May 14th, 1948. Did you know that if you draw a line from the Temple Mount to the exact center of London, it would stretch 1948 nautical miles? Babylon fell to the Medes and Persians in 539 B.C. The distance to the palace of Balthazar and the temple mount is 539 statute miles. Also, there are 666 nautical miles between Mecca, Saudi Arabia and the Temple corner stone.

    This dud takes “Unreasonable Faith” to a new low.

  • MilitantAtheist

    If Kathy gives me a thousand dollars, she can be a Knight of the Creation Glider when she gets to heaven! No personal checks.

    No wonder scientology is so successful. I guess all you have to do to make religious claims is throw around scientific ideas the average believer doesn’t understand and pretend that they validate your beliefs.

  • Shrubber

    Thanks, Daniel. You’re right, this guy needs to be watched. Preferably by the duty nurse who changes his wetpack.

  • revright

    I know from experience that people misinterpret satire as real, but this has to be a spoof. (Doesn’t it.)

  • forkboy

    If time is no barrier for a creation gliding then why the speed of sound limit?

    Wouldn’t one simply appear whenever/wherever they wished?

    Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ. I need to start my own religion so that I can obtain heavenly tax exempt status.

  • Clark Bunch

    I followed your link to the site. “Bible Probe” is that brand of Christianity overly concerned with prophesy, numbers, and (as far as I’m concerned) coincidence. As a conservative Christian, the most polite thing I can say is yeah, this guy’s pretty far out there. Even among Christians, “Bible Probe’s” view of the afterlife is somewhat fansical. O.K. I admit it, I think he’s wrong about some stuff… but at least he’s not an atheist :-)

  • forkgirl

    Ask Hubbard how he did it.

  • James

    I want to be on God’s Committee Against Dogmatic Nonsense.

    No really, this dude’s a nutjob.

  • mrsmarshall

    Well fine then. One more reason my decision to ditch the whole Christian thing was a good one. Who the freak wants to WORK in heaven??? If I’m gonna get up there and have a perfect body, my plan is totally to stand around looking hot and buying all the designer clothes I can’t afford here on Earth.

    He’s a buzz kill.

  • bchboy1

    I wonder who works in the cafeteria?

  • little i

    Just stumbled across your blog from Your title intrigued me.

    The value in arguing over this stuff is?????? i’ve got better things to do than wonder what heaven looks like, or what i’ll be doing when i get there. Nobody could ever prove if they were right, or be disproven this side of heaven anyway.

    By the way, if you “used” to be a Christian, as in “i prayed the prayer of salvation” and got confirmed or sprinkled or baptized or whatever, then i hate to break it to you buddy: you are sealed. We can discuss it when we’re in heaven together :-)

  • John C

    Ha Ha…thats right. This is how I see things:

    If Christ is Sophia, wisdom personified and Wisdom says the WISEST thing (most important commandment) is that we LOVE Him with our ALL then…yes!

    But thats just me, I’ve chosen to believe and trust Him and that has made all the difference in my life. The more I believe and trust the greater the insight He allows me to see into His true nature and heart for us. Thats why I can stay around an atheist blog for months, endure all the hostility, etc and still….love you guys cuz its not my love, its His!

    Its no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me…Gal 2:20

    LOVE is a POWER like no other

  • anand231

    lol! And I assume bibleprobe would also say that everyone who isn’t christian would rot in hell..

  • madmonq

    1) Is there a water shortage in heaven that they have to save tears?

    1a) If they have supernatural powers can’t they just make more?

    1b) What about all the tears God and Christians have caused lo these countless millenia? Even if they were stingy about it they’d have all the water they’d ever need.

    2)If they can time travel and fly, why can’t they go faster than the speed of sound? Superman can do better than that and he’s not obnoxious about it.

    What’s best (at least for the author/Time Glider) is that he/she got to visit some of histories greatest wars. Sparta, The American Revolution, Bush’s Iraq War.

    Cause, you know, that’s what all good Christians should want once they reached the ultimate peace and harmony. Visit bloodbaths.

  • toddyenglish

    Where can I apply? Seems like fun…lol.

    I would make a dimension full of nothing but peace, love, and debaucherous sex with no STD’s.

  • boomSLANG

    Resident “True Christian”, John C, writes:

    “Yes, He[Biblegod] is reaching for us ALL…”

    But oddly, no “arm” or “hand” to be seen. Or perhaps you’re speaking metaphorically? Notwithstanding, until/unless there is proof of this fantastic claim, we then must believe, on “faith”(i.e..”wish-thinking”), that an invisible, metaphysical being is “reaching for us”, even though in “God’s Word” we see that this biblegod was allegedly making actual, physical appearances just a few thousand years ago, thus, alleviating the need of some individuals to hold, on “faith”, that this “God” had/has a referent in reality. In other words, “God” makes *exceptions* for some people(according to doctrine).

    With that said……

    Dear “concerned”, proselytizing Christian,

    I, boomSLANG, not only will not, but I cannot, accept your biblegod’s existence on “faith”. To do so would require me to LIE to myself, and surely, the Almighty Being that you claim to worship would not accept anything less than full honesty. Thus, unless this biblegod makes the same exception for me that it evidentally had zero problem making in the past, I must remain intellectually honest, and thus, a skeptic. Please. get. over. it.

    Resident “True Christian”, John C, continues…..

    “Unrequited love stinks.”

    It is perfectly reasonable to not reciprocate any “love” that is offered on conditions. According to doctrine, your biblegod’s “love” *is* “offered” on conditions, therefore, it isn’t “love” at all. If I am wrong, then tell me, unequivocately, that “hell” does not exist and how you know it. If you “don’t know” enough about the Christian philosophy and/or “hell” to ensure me that “hell” doesn’t exist and that I won’t end up there, then you cannot state, as *fact*, that your biblegod’s “love” is unconditional. If this is the case – and if you are intent on hanging out and proselytizing on a blog titled “Unreasonable Faith” – then stop LYING; stop pretending to *know* things you don’t know in an attempt to win converts.

    Resident “True Christian”, John C., continues……

    “Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart…”

    Oh, I will, I will…….just as soon as I *see* some objective evidence for a “God”, and as soon as I know there is no “hell”. (See above, and reread it until it penetrates your cranium)

  • tanveerdogar

    What would be my job, I am really not sure about it as it is so confusing either there is heaven or not.

  • elflocko

    From site: “There is an awful lot of things most Christians need to learn about demons. They can be present in a home due to things like graven images, which can be Hindu items, Buddhist items, Muslim, voodoo, American Indian, occult, witchcraft, satanism, freemasonry, pornography, etc. Masonry items are occult. Freemasonry can also be a generational curse.”

    Soooo, my grandfather was a Freemason and a Baptist minister. Not sure if he watched porn, and not sure if I want to. Does that mean he was infiltrating one side or the other, and if so, which?

    Insane is an understatement. Or maybe he’s like Benny Hinn and just trolling people to get donations…

  • tzugidan

    What’s the harm in what these folks believe and why do any of you care enough to spend this kind of time on it? What this country needs is for more folks to tend to their own business, and move this country forward, and less time trying to “fix” everyone else….


  • marcion

    Assignment? That sounds like work. Whatever happened to faith only? This guy must be a papist.

  • captain

    I had a browse through some of the other articles on that site, this man has some rather extravagant theories, ideas. Call them what you will. Its rather absurd in my opinion!

  • Trey

    Ah, the speed of sound….good thing you have all eternity with which to “creation-glide” about the uni/multi-verse.

  • Amber de Katt

    Ah, this stuff isn’t new, nor did originate with that guy. Those “fun jobs in Heaven!” memes have been around since at least the early 80′s, and probably even before that. I think it was part of the whole “making Christianity “Cool!” re-tooling that took place to get more teens into the fold, and was also probably part of the effort to counter the “why would I want to sit around all day on a cloud playing a harp?!?” dismissal of Christianity as irrelevant and boring.

    I heard these same descriptions as part of many an “inspirational sermon” and read them as part of many a “Christian Growth” book, back in those days. These descriptions are common enough in the fundagelical circles that they’ve showed up in Christian Fiction books as part of the descriptions of the afterlife (the two books I can remember offhand are The Guardian and the very last part of Acts of God, which is the third book of The Christ Clone Trilogy).

    So this guy, while loony, is hardly original.

  • Bill

    The best depiction of jobs in the afterlife comes from the movie Beetlejuice, where those who committed suicide literally were civil servants on the other side.

  • Mark T. Market

    I heard ‘time’ was just a proposal, but the draft was never approved as an official dimension.

  • wintermute

    It’s the arrogance of assuming that J. Random Christian has a better idea of what creation should look like than God that gets me.

    Also, Hasn’t Britain always been a staunch ally of Israel? Especially as, at the time of the Great Rebellion, British Israelism was in full swing. Britain’s since gotten over the idea that it needs to be specially blessed by God, but America still seems to be in the grip of that particular insecurity…

  • Martin

    That’s right, the dimension of kittens quickly took its place. I mean, who can resist an entire dimension full of kittens?

  • Elemenope

    Eleventy Jillion bps.

  • Roger

    And God saw it (on!), and it was good…until Charter Communications got ahold of it.

  • claidheamh mor

    Oh, excellent! Well crowed by Christopher Hitchens!

    Bottled tears. Barf.

  • Daniel Florien

    You only need to take a look at his site to know if he really thinks that or not:

  • Daniel Florien

    “There is no need to have a personal tear or fingernail depository, my children. Earwax, however, is to be saved at all cost — it pleases your Father and is a sweet smelling sacrifice unto him.” (Book of Bottles 23:1)

  • Sunny Ng


  • claidheamh mor

    Did anyone see the guy on Jay Leno’s show who showed his bottle of navel lint, and collected a piece and put it away in the bottle, right there on the show?

    Is he going to heaven, or what!

  • Daniel Florien

    That’s actually a common belief among fundies. I remember getting in heated debates about the issue in bible college.

  • LRA


    How bizarre! If ever there was in issue that science could clear up, it would be this one!

  • LRA

    There are other genetic disorders that get “demonized” as well:

    -schizophrenia (obviously)

    but also:

    - porphyria (the basis for the vampire myth)
    -hypertrichosis (the basis for the werewolf myth)

  • Patrick

    Is this the similarly serious debate about how many angels can fit on the end of a needle? Too much!

    Can you imagine being in a room full of people debating the merits of this stuff in a serious manner now?

    They give out degrees for this stuff!!!

  • Patrick

    I’ve been to the Louvre, too. Virtually all of our images of satan come from the Middle Ages in literature (Dante’s Inferno, a.k.a. A Divine Comedy)and art. It is amazing how it effected the way we think about religious themes, even today. That era was dripping with religion, and it showed.

  • wintermute

    Did you know that if you draw a line from the Temple Mount to the exact center of London, it would stretch 1948 nautical miles?

    1) What, exactly is the “exact centre” of London? Does he mean The City of London, or the London Metropolitan Area? Is there a landmark that he places at the “exact centre”?

    2) A straight line along a great arc, or absolutely straight, dipping through the crust?

    3) Why does he keep switching between nautical and statute miles? Was the British government somehow divinely inspired when they codified these units in 1592? Does that divine inspiration mean that the Church of England (created by that same government) is the One True Faith?

    4) Doesn’t he know that our calendar dates back to an arbitrary point at which nothing interesting happened? That Dionysius Exiguus made some simple errors when he tried to convert from Roman years, and was off on Jesus’ birth by several years. The Bible claims Jesus was either born in 4AD (if you believe Matthew about it being during the Census of Qurenius), or before 6BC (if you believe that Herod Antiphas was King of Judea at the time, so he could kill all the babies.

    5) Given that it’s about 2,250 miles from London to Bethlehem, I’m guessing his “1,948 miles” statistic (and all his others) have been simply pulled from thin air.

    6) WTF?

  • VidLord

    thanks for sharing that video Mark – it was absolutely hilarious. Heaven’s a lie – which also happens to be one of my favorite songs by lacuna coil.

  • Mogg

    I’d be seriously worried if my glorified body aged several years, developed little jowls and had to wear hair like that…

  • wintermute

    Hrm, actually, it turns out that from Jerusalem to London is a hair short of 1,950 nautical miles. Choosing arbitrary locations in the two cities could shorten that by a couple of miles.

    But still: Why London? Is it because Jerusalem was in British Palestine before that? Or because London is the largest city that lies at the right distance from Jerusalem?

  • claidheamh mor

    Yeah, and you know what? There are 365 days in a year, and 360 degrees in a circle! Proof of the existence of God!

    Of course he forgot to slow the rotation of the earth, or his arithmetic is sloppy, or something.

    Why does he keep switching between nautical and statute miles?

    Maybe God wanted to keep us mentally alert and on our toes. Or, we lost it completely when we stopped using cubits. And my cubit is probably shorter than Noah’s cubit, so we are now truly a lost people….

    (Why do I want to say that’s it’s too cold outside to wear fig leaves?)

    Since we’re on irrational, not-sane evangelists, even if we’ve left Ted Haggard behind for the moment, I came across this:

  • Elemenope

    They went with the kittens over the baby seals because, well, in a dimension chock full of baby seals, the urge to start clubbing them would quickly overwhelm even the most staid and pacifistic of personalities.

  • Elemenope

    Britain’s since gotten over the idea that it needs to be specially blessed by God, but America still seems to be in the grip of that particular insecurity…

    My thing is, it has never worked out particularly well for those that do.

    Once the functional head of a great empire, the papal states are now reduced to a territory so small if you sneeze, you might obliterate it.

    Israel has a ‘neighbor problem’ the way a person being disemboweled has a ‘digestion problem’.

    The territory of the once great Caliphate is now the world’s backwater and laughingstock.

    With a track record like this one, who would want to get blessed by the Judeo-Christo-Islamic God? A blessing from Him is like the kiss of death.

  • Elemenope

    God’s free broadcasts were going great, but then it seems like there were some problems with intellectual property. The lawyers got ahold of the entire scheme and promptly obliterated it under a flurry of takedown notices and cease-and-desist injunctions.

  • Daniel Florien

    His site looks real to me.

  • Johnny Cache

    Yeah, it’s too bad that they had no clue about the true nature of the world around them. If they had, maybe their interpretation wouldn’t have been so laughingly simple minded, superstitious, and as you say, dripping with religion. And boy are we still suffering the effects of that–even in the 21st century. How very sad.

  • Patrick

    Whether the guy is bogus or not really doesn’t matter. The question is legitimate: “What will heaven be like?” It’s a fair question. What will it be like and why would I want to go there?

    This guy may be a fraud (he is likely serious) , but no more than anyone who seriously suggests they do know what heaven is like.

    This guy’s credibility makes no difference.
    If he is a fraud, he has planted these ideas in many vulnerable people who suspect he is sincere. They will convince others, and the meme (and madness) spreads.

  • John C

    No, sorry doesnt work that way my friend. “if we deny Him, He will deny us” 2 Tim 2:12 & “whoever deny’s me before men I will deny before my Father” Matt 10:33.

    We dont get a punched ticket to heaven by going thru some “religious” formality, ie “sprinkling, etc. Its a relationship offer, an intimate “knowing”.

    He will not make anyone spend eternity with Him that did not want Him in the natural earthly realm.

  • John C

    Yea…religion sucks. Its oppressive, burdensome. Good thing that has nothing to do with the true and liberating message & offer of Christ.

  • Daniel Florien

    Translation: Jesus is so petty that if you don’t love him, he’ll cast you into hell to be tortured forever. But he’ll be very sorry about it. So you should love him.

  • John C

    Hmmm…maybe He’s still reaching for you D? In spite of your denials cuz maybe thats His real nature. Maybe He even sent someone here who has endured rejection, mocking, name-calling and all kinds of hostility just to make sure you know…He loves you very much….even still.

    Maybe He is heart broken over you. Maybe its not over yet.

  • LRA


    If there is a god, (s)he is reaching for us ALL!!! Not just for certain people to the detriment of his/her other children. If there is a god, then being here is an experience to help us in some way, not a test that results in condemnation for practically the whole world.

    This is why religion is sooooo wrong!

  • Roger

    Hey! Who knew Jesus is a lot like Chris Brown?

  • John C

    Yes, He is reaching for us ALL…but not ALL reach back! Unrequited love stinks.

    Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart…

  • LRA

    And all of your MIND and all of your soul and all of your strength…

  • LRA

    yeah, well…. my search for sophia has led me AWAY from christianity. too much illogical stuff for me. too much hate. too much judgement. too much bad advice on how to ACTUALLY live (like the whole biblical perspective on beating your kids with a rod).

    You may choose to look at christianity as a metaphor, and if that works for you, then great, but it is too loosey goosey for me. I need more straight forward stuff that has evidence behind it.


  • John C

    I understand LRA…I’m just trying to make the point that true Christianity is not a set of (external) beliefs but rather an (internal) nature…Christ IN you. Col 1:27

    This is what people dont get about Christianity because unfortunately they have seen way too much of the other dead religious (rule-keeping dogma) crap that people falsely call Christianity.

    I’ll say one thing for ya…in every post your heart comes shinin’ thru girl!


  • LRA

    Thanks. And I mean it!

    I just don’t understand how anyone can say that I’m going to hell on a technicality. Ok, so the bible makes no sense to me. But helping others and living to my best potential does. How can I possibly be condemned?

  • Sehro

    If “true Christianity” is not a set of external beliefs, why do you use an external reference as a basis for this statement?

  • LRA

    Of course, assuming there is such a thing as an after life. I’m still out on that one. Just mere speculation as far as I’m concerned.

  • LRA

    I just think there’s more to life than ‘mere christianity’.

  • Jabster

    “Or because London is the largest city that lies at the right distance from Jerusalem?”

    It’s the preferred method of proving ‘facts’ after the event to show that something super-natural/divine have happened — see also Bible codes. It’s the equivalent of shuffling a pack of cards finding three cards and then saying what is the probability of those three cards being together. If you look at something in enough different ways you’re bound to find something interesting.

  • guiltyhere

    “Maybe He even sent someone here who has endured rejection, mocking, name-calling and all kinds of hostility just to make sure you know…He loves you very much….even still.”

    AAAAhhhh…your purpose here is so clear now. How did you find out about your sacred calling? Did god speak to you, send you a telegram, or maybe a vision? Honestly I start to roll my eyes everytime I see one of your posts because they all say the same things.

    Hows that working out for you?

  • Mogg

    That’s amusing for a non-American to read, given the US’s track record on trying to “fix” everyone else.

    Just saying.

    I think one of the points of this blog, if not necessarily this particular entry, is to point out that some of these beliefs actually stop the whole process of “folks minding their own business”, “move(ing) this (or any other) country forward” and take up a lot of time “trying to “fix” everyone else”. Conservative evangelical christianity in the US, and to a lesser extent in other countries, has influenced both individuals and governments to do exactly the opposite.

  • LRA


    Ha! he he he! Great description! :)