Your Assignment in Heaven

I stumbled on this the other day while doing some research. I love it when I find absurd stuff like this — it’s fascinating what some people can actually believe.

On a message board, Kathy asks “BibleProbe” what heaven is going to be like and what our heavenly jobs will be. Here’s his answer. And, yes, he is serious.

Yes Kathy:

This will be your assignment in heaven, should you accept it.

You will be on the comittee to recommend to God what new dimensions you want to see God create. In order to perform this job efficiently, you have to become an expert on the dimensions that already exist beyond the veil of this present earth dimension.

As a collateral duty, you will be in charge of the angels who constantly travel between earth and heaven carrying tears in bottles, which get deposited in the great depository in heaven known as the “Hall of Tears”. Every tear that a Christian has shed is stored there.

On your day off you go “creation gliding“. This is where you zoom at the speed of sound throughout all creation. What’s unique about this creation gliding is that as you ask questions in your mind about what you see — you instantly are told the answer via a special “back channel” link to God. Time is no barrier for a “creation glider”.

You can stand with Jesus as He meets with Moses and Elijah, you can watch as the Red Sea gets parted, and marvel at all the demons who immediately just understood their predictament and doom as Jesus says; “It is finished”. Or, you can watch the small Spartan band hold off the Millions of Persians at Thermopylae in 480 BC. You will marvel at their skill, courage and patriotism. The next time you “creation glide” you may even visit George Washington and his troops as he slips out of Brooklyn and from a sure annihilation by the British under the cover of a miraculous fog. What you really want to see is if God “fixed it” for old George to insure Israel had a friend later on down the line.

That’s, uh, quite an imagination he has there. Maybe he should have considered a career in writing fiction. Though I suppose theology is pretty close…

Update: Many of you are having a hard time believing this is real. Check out his site. He’s seriously insane.

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  • Sock

    I don’t believe that’s real. I don’t believe that guy really thinks that.

    If he does, then I want it proven through scientific method that he really does think that, otherwise I refuse to believe that anyone could be that mentally inhibited.

  • http://diaphanus.livejournal.com/ Ian Andreas Miller

    “You will be on the comittee to recommend to God what new dimensions”

    That would suck.

    I have a particular liking for length, width, height, and time.

  • Proto

    Creation gliding sounds about as much fun as watching paint dry. The speed of sound happens to be very, very slow from a time dilation standpoint.

  • http://pasje.livejournal.com Pascalle

    And where does this guy get this from?
    Did “god” call him and say.. Oy.. we got some job openings.. this is what they are.

    Stuff like this makes me sigh and shake my head.
    But what i would find worse, is if anybody actually _believes_ this guy.

  • http://endemoniada.org/ Martin

    Yes, science sure is the method most based on faith…

    Imagination is a great thing, but it is not knowledge. To present it as such is a conscious deception, regardless of whether one really, really, really believes in it.

  • Sunny Ng

    Should one choose to accept it? And if one doesn’t can one just laze around in the clouds?

  • http://alphonsuspeck.wordpress.com/ alphonsuspeck

    I don’t know. This sounds exactly like the kind of sarcasm I could use if I were asked such a question and felt like having a little fun with the person. The answers are so ridiculous that they are almost of Biblical proportion….

    Ummmmm….

    So, yeah. Maybe.

  • jen

    “Maybe he should have considered a career in writing fiction. Though I suppose theology is pretty close…”

    And this sort of “theology”, which consists of making up an answer that you think/hope will sound good to your audience *is* fiction.

  • dr.R.

    Cool, a special “back channel” link to god…. What would be the bandwidth?

  • http://www.rationalitynow.com Dan Gilbert

    LOL! You find the craziest stuff, Daniel! Keep up the great work! :-)

  • Patrick

    There you have it folks! All wrapped up in its own little nutshell. Who could possibly want or expect more out of heaven?

    I wonder why there is even a need for glass bottles to store tears? Or why it is, somehow, worthwhile to store them in a great “depository?” What a waste of space. Couldn’t they be used for “puified” and used for irrigation in some parched desert region?

    Of all the things I could do as a “creation glider,” I think I could find other periods in history to watch besides George Washington moving through a “miraculous fog,” or Spartans slaughtering Persians. What a failure of imagination!

    “Rightly are the simple so called.” – Christopher Hitchens

  • http://digitaldame.wordpress.com Digital Dame

    This has GOT to be a Poe. Seriously, the speed of sound? Did he mention if there would be sonic booms in heaven? That’d get old pretty quick.

  • Mrs. Grackle

    They have a bottled tear depository up there? You mean I don’t need to continue saving my own? What about fingernails? Please advise ASAP.

  • LRA

    You outta see what this crackpot says about nephilim:

    http://bibleprobe.com/nephilim.htm

    He thinks that giants (nephilim), which appear across cultures, are fallen angels.

    Ummm, human growth hormone problems anyone?

    What an idiot (or a poe).

  • http://mixtersmix.blogspot.com Mixter

    I love goofy stuff like this.

    Hey, you can also plan your trip to heaven!

    Mixter

  • http://www.markdeyoung.com Mark D

    Yes, they do believe it and they are nuts. Just watch this. (notice there are no non-whites in heaven)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1paYhEDFQIw

  • Johnny Cache

    A few years ago I was at the Louvre in Paris. There was this one painting of the baby Jesus that looked like he he was riding down from heaven on a boogie board. I’m sure it was someone’s sincere attempt (in a primitive theistic sort of way) at depicting such a heavenly event, but it was the funniest looking thing I’ve ever seen. I kid you not. When I read “creation gliding” it was the first think I thought of.

  • claidheamh mor

    Holy Moley! I checked out his site like you said, Daniel, and like you said, he’s seriously insane.

    Hubble has found a giant astronomical cross in the sky; there is a link between abortion and breast cancer; Jesus is against homosexuals (Roy Zimmerman is right: Jesus didn’t say squat about them)…

    And this gem:

    Israel became a nation again May 14th, 1948. Did you know that if you draw a line from the Temple Mount to the exact center of London, it would stretch 1948 nautical miles? Babylon fell to the Medes and Persians in 539 B.C. The distance to the palace of Balthazar and the temple mount is 539 statute miles. Also, there are 666 nautical miles between Mecca, Saudi Arabia and the Temple corner stone.

    This dud takes “Unreasonable Faith” to a new low.

  • MilitantAtheist

    If Kathy gives me a thousand dollars, she can be a Knight of the Creation Glider when she gets to heaven! No personal checks.

    No wonder scientology is so successful. I guess all you have to do to make religious claims is throw around scientific ideas the average believer doesn’t understand and pretend that they validate your beliefs.

  • Shrubber

    Thanks, Daniel. You’re right, this guy needs to be watched. Preferably by the duty nurse who changes his wetpack.

  • http://revright.wordpress.com revright

    I know from experience that people misinterpret satire as real, but this has to be a spoof. (Doesn’t it.)

  • forkboy

    If time is no barrier for a creation gliding then why the speed of sound limit?

    Wouldn’t one simply appear whenever/wherever they wished?

    Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ. I need to start my own religion so that I can obtain heavenly tax exempt status.

  • http://themasterstable.wordpress.com Clark Bunch

    I followed your link to the site. “Bible Probe” is that brand of Christianity overly concerned with prophesy, numbers, and (as far as I’m concerned) coincidence. As a conservative Christian, the most polite thing I can say is yeah, this guy’s pretty far out there. Even among Christians, “Bible Probe’s” view of the afterlife is somewhat fansical. O.K. I admit it, I think he’s wrong about some stuff… but at least he’s not an atheist :-)

  • forkgirl

    Ask Hubbard how he did it.

  • James

    I want to be on God’s Committee Against Dogmatic Nonsense.

    No really, this dude’s a nutjob.

  • http://girlchild.wordpress.com/ mrsmarshall

    Well fine then. One more reason my decision to ditch the whole Christian thing was a good one. Who the freak wants to WORK in heaven??? If I’m gonna get up there and have a perfect body, my plan is totally to stand around looking hot and buying all the designer clothes I can’t afford here on Earth.

    He’s a buzz kill.

  • http://www.rickywood.net bchboy1

    I wonder who works in the cafeteria?

  • little i

    Just stumbled across your blog from wordpress.com. Your title intrigued me.

    The value in arguing over this stuff is?????? i’ve got better things to do than wonder what heaven looks like, or what i’ll be doing when i get there. Nobody could ever prove if they were right, or be disproven this side of heaven anyway.

    By the way, if you “used” to be a Christian, as in “i prayed the prayer of salvation” and got confirmed or sprinkled or baptized or whatever, then i hate to break it to you buddy: you are sealed. We can discuss it when we’re in heaven together :-)

  • John C

    Ha Ha…thats right. This is how I see things:

    If Christ is Sophia, wisdom personified and Wisdom says the WISEST thing (most important commandment) is that we LOVE Him with our ALL then…yes!

    But thats just me, I’ve chosen to believe and trust Him and that has made all the difference in my life. The more I believe and trust the greater the insight He allows me to see into His true nature and heart for us. Thats why I can stay around an atheist blog for months, endure all the hostility, etc and still….love you guys cuz its not my love, its His!

    Its no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me…Gal 2:20

    LOVE is a POWER like no other

  • anand231

    lol! And I assume bibleprobe would also say that everyone who isn’t christian would rot in hell..

  • http://madmonq.wordpress.com madmonq

    1) Is there a water shortage in heaven that they have to save tears?

    1a) If they have supernatural powers can’t they just make more?

    1b) What about all the tears God and Christians have caused lo these countless millenia? Even if they were stingy about it they’d have all the water they’d ever need.

    2)If they can time travel and fly, why can’t they go faster than the speed of sound? Superman can do better than that and he’s not obnoxious about it.

    What’s best (at least for the author/Time Glider) is that he/she got to visit some of histories greatest wars. Sparta, The American Revolution, Bush’s Iraq War.

    Cause, you know, that’s what all good Christians should want once they reached the ultimate peace and harmony. Visit bloodbaths.

  • toddyenglish

    Where can I apply? Seems like fun…lol.

    I would make a dimension full of nothing but peace, love, and debaucherous sex with no STD’s.

  • boomSLANG

    Resident “True Christian”, John C, writes:

    “Yes, He[Biblegod] is reaching for us ALL…”

    But oddly, no “arm” or “hand” to be seen. Or perhaps you’re speaking metaphorically? Notwithstanding, until/unless there is proof of this fantastic claim, we then must believe, on “faith”(i.e..”wish-thinking”), that an invisible, metaphysical being is “reaching for us”, even though in “God’s Word” we see that this biblegod was allegedly making actual, physical appearances just a few thousand years ago, thus, alleviating the need of some individuals to hold, on “faith”, that this “God” had/has a referent in reality. In other words, “God” makes *exceptions* for some people(according to doctrine).

    With that said……

    Dear “concerned”, proselytizing Christian,

    I, boomSLANG, not only will not, but I cannot, accept your biblegod’s existence on “faith”. To do so would require me to LIE to myself, and surely, the Almighty Being that you claim to worship would not accept anything less than full honesty. Thus, unless this biblegod makes the same exception for me that it evidentally had zero problem making in the past, I must remain intellectually honest, and thus, a skeptic. Please. get. over. it.

    Resident “True Christian”, John C, continues…..

    “Unrequited love stinks.”

    It is perfectly reasonable to not reciprocate any “love” that is offered on conditions. According to doctrine, your biblegod’s “love” *is* “offered” on conditions, therefore, it isn’t “love” at all. If I am wrong, then tell me, unequivocately, that “hell” does not exist and how you know it. If you “don’t know” enough about the Christian philosophy and/or “hell” to ensure me that “hell” doesn’t exist and that I won’t end up there, then you cannot state, as *fact*, that your biblegod’s “love” is unconditional. If this is the case – and if you are intent on hanging out and proselytizing on a blog titled “Unreasonable Faith” – then stop LYING; stop pretending to *know* things you don’t know in an attempt to win converts.

    Resident “True Christian”, John C., continues……

    “Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart…”

    Oh, I will, I will…….just as soon as I *see* some objective evidence for a “God”, and as soon as I know there is no “hell”. (See above, and reread it until it penetrates your cranium)

  • http://www.mehk.org tanveerdogar

    What would be my job, I am really not sure about it as it is so confusing either there is heaven or not.

  • elflocko

    From site: “There is an awful lot of things most Christians need to learn about demons. They can be present in a home due to things like graven images, which can be Hindu items, Buddhist items, Muslim, voodoo, American Indian, occult, witchcraft, satanism, freemasonry, pornography, etc. Masonry items are occult. Freemasonry can also be a generational curse.”

    Soooo, my grandfather was a Freemason and a Baptist minister. Not sure if he watched porn, and not sure if I want to. Does that mean he was infiltrating one side or the other, and if so, which?

    Insane is an understatement. Or maybe he’s like Benny Hinn and just trolling people to get donations…

  • http://positiveeconomicnews.com tzugidan

    What’s the harm in what these folks believe and why do any of you care enough to spend this kind of time on it? What this country needs is for more folks to tend to their own business, and move this country forward, and less time trying to “fix” everyone else….

    peace

  • marcion

    Assignment? That sounds like work. Whatever happened to faith only? This guy must be a papist.

  • captain

    I had a browse through some of the other articles on that site, this man has some rather extravagant theories, ideas. Call them what you will. Its rather absurd in my opinion!

  • Trey

    Ah, the speed of sound….good thing you have all eternity with which to “creation-glide” about the uni/multi-verse.

  • Amber de Katt

    Ah, this stuff isn’t new, nor did originate with that guy. Those “fun jobs in Heaven!” memes have been around since at least the early 80’s, and probably even before that. I think it was part of the whole “making Christianity “Cool!” re-tooling that took place to get more teens into the fold, and was also probably part of the effort to counter the “why would I want to sit around all day on a cloud playing a harp?!?” dismissal of Christianity as irrelevant and boring.

    I heard these same descriptions as part of many an “inspirational sermon” and read them as part of many a “Christian Growth” book, back in those days. These descriptions are common enough in the fundagelical circles that they’ve showed up in Christian Fiction books as part of the descriptions of the afterlife (the two books I can remember offhand are The Guardian and the very last part of Acts of God, which is the third book of The Christ Clone Trilogy).

    So this guy, while loony, is hardly original.

  • http://billpost.blogspot.com/ Bill

    The best depiction of jobs in the afterlife comes from the movie Beetlejuice, where those who committed suicide literally were civil servants on the other side.


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