No Mo' Bacon! No Mo' Biscuits! Only Jesus!

Won’t it be great when Jesus returns, and we don’t need no mo’ breakfast?


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Atheists in the Evangelical Mind
Where the Fire Comes From
  • Brian

    I have been looking for stuff to make fun of atheists, just to be fair. I haven’t found one yet.

    My jehova’s witness family thinks we are going to live on earth as a paradise, with new healthy bodies eating healthy food. My parents think they are going back to their 20′s. I want to be in my 30′s. That is going to be freaky, seeing your parents younger than yourself…

    Going back to the video, I will never stop being amazed by what people believe. No wonder I could never really believe it. I am an atheist.

  • Roger

    Uh…wow. Yeah, God WILL call you home if, every day, you eat bacon, sausage, grits, coffee, orange juice, and “light bread.”

  • claidheamh mor

    Sheesh. I should have put my post about “All of My Creation is Made Just to Go Into Your Mouth” over here.

  • RobotzAreAwesome

    I can’t wait till the end of the world either!! =)

    “No mo christian rock”
    “No mo small groups”
    “No mo preachers”
    “No mo lunacy”

  • FalseImago

    But I like breakfast.

  • darkmatter

    I love this satirical clip, it would be better if includes dog’s meat, rabbit’s bowels, fried locust and the delicious snake bladder.

  • flood

    What about the miraculous invisible musicians? Those drums don’t play themselves you know.

  • darkmatter

    I thought I see the 1 Corinthians 13 of Darwin playing the drums, or is it 1 Corinthians 15 with spiritual eyes open?

  • Mark D

    No “Cracker Barrel” in heaven? Its Jezuz’ favorite resturant, their gift shop is almost like a Xtian bookstore.

  • Vaia

    “one of these mornings, the colest’rol is gonna kill me…”

    Seriously, I’m all for a good country breakfast – once in a while – but you eat like that every day, and you’re bound to keel over.

  • darkmatter

    Keel over, you must be kidding. Jesus told Peter he could eat even unclean food. By modern christainity, saying grace before we eat is of upmost important, remembering to ask God to bless what we eat.

    I am working to get that one million dollar from Randi and I am willing to cooperate with those who can work out a proper testing procedure.

  • Tyler

    Why do they call him sweet jesus if they’re taking all the yummy stuff outta Heaven!?

  • reckoner71

    Someone please kick this fork into my forehead.

  • demianfarnworth

    No more gri-i-i-ts?! For this Midwest boy, that’s not heaven. That’s hell.

  • Nathan

    If what the Vatican has been saying is correct, Jesus is made up of wafers and wine, which wouldn’t make for a very balanced diet.

  • mrsmarshall

    When the rapture happens you can have their mini-van, just let me have ALL THE FROSTED FLAKES!!!

    (and since when was beef stew a breakfast food??)

  • LRA

    I’ll take Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries (in whole milk) in my heaven, please.

    Mmmmmmm…. crunchberries…..

  • Nathan

    I don’t think Cap’n Crunch is getting into Heaven. He’s probably violating Leviticus while out at sea. And the Trix Rabbit has substituted cereal for God. Toucan Sam and Tony the Tiger will probably make it, though.

  • xian-x

    No more chicken soup for the soul. At least we can look forward to those snazzy white robes that excite Estus Pirkle. (Actually, chapter 21 of the Gospel of John makes it seem like post-resurrection Jesus ate food, so I’m still holding out hope that my glorified body can enjoy pork rinds and orange soda.)

  • AnonyMouse

    I can deal with giving up scrambled, eggs, and sausage. No biggie. But they’re telling me that not only will there be no bacon, but I can’t have COFFEE? What on Earth am I supposed to look forward to in the morning?

    …And don’t you dare say “Jesus”. I’d be getting plenty of that with or without coffee.

  • Alphonsus

    But…where is the proof? Does the Bible actually say that we won’t be able to eat in Heaven? Cap’n Crunch is God’s Food for Christ’s sake!

    This has got to be one of the BEST songs I ever heard! I can just see mothers using it at home. “You BETTER eat that oatmeal! You won’t be gettin’ none when you get to heaven, I can promise you that!”

    What kind of meals do they serve in Hell, I wonder. Probably olives. I HATE olives.

    Sigh…I suppose I better turn my life over to Christ. I can take eternal hellfire and torture, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be forced to eat olives for the rest of my life.

  • Mike t

    5min 16 sec. ???? Couldn’t this have been streamlines to 2:20 or something?

  • DaveB

    This was broadcast on the NBC affiliate in Tupelo, MS, as part of their local morning show that comes on before the Today Show.

    I saw this show many times when I worked in the area and stayed at a hotel in Tupelo. It made me start to think the stereotypes about religiosity in the south are probably true. Another clue was all the packed church parking lots I noticed on the way back to the hotel after work on Wednesdays. And last but not least… when I arrived at the hotel, there was an open bible on the table in the room. It was usually open to Psalms.

  • Frank

    “No mo’ Nuts of Grapes” made me glad I wasn’t eating breakfast while watching, or I would have blown it all over my laptop from laughing.

  • Ooleepeeka

    “God’s word is all we need to feed men”

    Ya! Tell that to the starving children in Africa and all around the world!

    This doesn’t look like Satire to me………..?

  • DarkMatter

    There is that which can be called the economics of christianity.

    Just pocket some of the donations from the churches in their ministries to Africa.

    For the scripture saith, Thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn. And, The labourer is worthy of his reward. (1Ti 5:18)

  • Roger

    And by “God,” I mean, “A massive coronary.”

  • Daniel Florien

    But man, what a way to go!

  • Roger

    Dude, there are so many better ways to die than after having consumed the Tupelo Heart Attack Platter of Death. Well, I can actually think of one better way, and that’s after having had the best sex of your life.

  • Elliott

    I dunno, sometimes I would much rather have a really good homecooked meal than sex.

    Prime rib, Rocky Road ice cream, eggs benedict… if they don’t have these things in heaven, I really don’t want to go.

  • Dan Gilbert

    How about a pound of crispy bacon followed by sex? ;-)

  • wintermute

    Breakfast is one of my ten favourite meals.

  • Ty

    “I am working to get that one million dollar from Randi and I am willing to cooperate with those who can work out a proper testing procedure.”

    The best first test is a psychiatric one.

  • Arlo

    We can’t even work out a proper dietary testing procedure for regular eating.

    Well, we can, double-blind placebo controlled, but it’s a real bitch and you have to lock people up into rooms for 50 years.

  • LRA

    Never take the name of Cap’n Crunch in vain! Heresy!!!

  • Elliott

    And the Trix Rabbit has substituted cereal for God


    I was going to try to toss in one about one of the other freaky ass cereal mascots, but nothing tops this.

  • markbey

    …. I’ll take Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries (in whole milk) in my heaven, please. …..

    mark… ahhhhhhh the best cereal of all time.

  • faithnomore

    I want the bacon after the sex. In that order.

  • Elliott

    See?! Atheists are nothing but degenerates!


  • Arlo

    Bacon grease for a foreplay sensual massage?

  • LRA

    Pickles, raw tomatoes, mustard, horseradish/wasabi, olives, and bell peppers in my hell…

    *gets the willies just thinking about it… gag!*

  • LRA

    oh, and let’s not forget bananas!!! (that one was for R. Comfort).

  • LRA

    Second Breakfast?



  • Bill

    It’s the “Alice’s Restaurant” of breakfast related salvation tunes!

  • John C

    The psalms…some great stuff in there. My Favorite? Psalm 130 vs 3&4…

    3 If You, LORD, should mark iniquities,
    O Lord, who could stand?
    4 But there is forgiveness with You,
    That You may be feared.

    Forgiveness that He might be feared (revered)?

    Dont we usually think just the opposite? What kind of Father (God) is this??

    Maybe we only think we know, maybe there is more?