Pastor Estus Pirkle teaches us about heaven. Prepare yourself for powerful preaching, reverse aging, and, uh, midgets singing:
Update: Video fixed.
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embedding disabled by request. Hmmm.
Just go to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1paYhEDFQIw
and check it out for yourself…
OMFSM, Christian Heaven is so lame:
1) It’s not infinitely large?! WTF?!
2) Showing reverse ageing through lousy VFX, claiming you will become young when in Heaven, and then showing an old, beardy guy in the very next shot??? Come on!
3) Being midgetophobe: I will be “changed” when I go to heaven, sings this charming lady. To me that reads: it’s not okay to be way smaller than average. But the almighty Dog, in whose image I was created, will surely fix this minor flaw
4) Look at the clothes these people are forced to wear. It’s like ’1984′ reloaded. Besides, you would assume that at least some decent designers would have made their way into Heaven by now.
5) The facial expression of the blonde boy at 2:51… Priceless!!!
I’m just so infinitely glad I don’t have to join these poor souls.
OK… I’m a Christian but this is a very very lame representation of heaven.
However, don’t judge Christianity on this please..
Ha ha. Great stuff. It appears “joy” is best expressed as a bunch of middle-aged people prancing around on a cloud, waving their arms above their head while birds chirrup (go to 2:01).
You just can’t make that stuff up.
No, wait…
@Devysciple
You said “Do you really have such a vague concept on one of the most important things in religion”
Actually this is the biggest misconception the church has taught its people. The point of Christianity is not heaven, the point is loving God and loving others. For too many generations, the church has been involved in selling tickets to heaven rather than actually loving God and loving others.
I fall silent in the presence of your almost unbearably perfect cynicism and logic! ;-D
Love the contrast between the preacher’s “Isn’t that EXCITING?!” enthusiasm and the glum, bored expressions on the congregation.
I’m so looking forward to the Infinite Mercy Zygote Choir! I hear that on opening night they have lined up Billy Blastocyst the 1,765,324,009nth as guest mezzo-soprano.
I find it interesting when people describe heaven in the context of our 5 senses. We will “see” and “talk” to our relatives. We will feel human emotion such as happiness. I always respond with the question: So you think we’ll have our five human senses in heaven? Please describe how this will be so.
Some also think there will be the concept of time after you die. You will be in purgatory for a certain amount of “time” and people will pray for your “speedy” accent into heaven.
Anyone that puts the afterlife into the context of our physical laws, or our 5 senses should be very suspect imo.
Devysciple,
You are obviously not a trained theologian. With Jesus walking around in His glorified body the reflective power of the diamonds would blind you causing many air crashes. Besides, the quality of gold can be anything we think it can since if we can think it, it must be real.
@Kurt
If you believed there was no heaven after this life, would you believe and follow your god, doing all he says? Or would you do it for fear of punishment in hell? People will do more to avoid pain than they will to gain pleasure.
Your analogy to an “earthly father” is simplistic and flawed. Are you suggesting so many people whose father is evil, abusive, petty, murderous or abscent should, somehow, love him?
Just like the Wizard of Oz, beautiful, weird and a fable like no other. Follow the yellow brick road to eternal glory and happiness…
I think it’s well established that there is no such thing as human heaven as this was just made up to stop us all going nuts … silicon heaven on the other hand does exist otherwise where would all the calculators go?
Midgets singing…
sounds like Charlie’s chocolate factory is heaven.
I can’t believe no one thought of that one.
Is is just me, or is the name “Estus Pirkle” the worst name ever? He probably got lots of a##whoopins as a kid and that explains his need to visualize heaven!
Its a lie!!! Carousel is a lie!!
I’ve gotta say, this whole thread is possibly my favourite yet.
I never realised how easy it is to blow holes in the popular concept of Heaven. I’ve just not thought about it that much before, and now I have, I feel like starting a website just to take the piss out of how ridiculous it is.
By the way, from Devysciple’s link…
18. Heaven is a place of great joy and pleasures for the redeemed (Psalm 16:11).
Yep, I guess sex and windsurfing must definitely be on the cards for me then. Woot!
(not necessarily simultaneously)
Only if you are getting tingly all over.
I got as far as the little person singing, then I had to stop it.
I think I actually saw excerpts from this film a couple of years ago, on a local cable access program put together by a dangerously insane fundie from one of the few hard-core Baptist churches we have here in the Boston area. If they weren’t from the same film, they were probably made by this same pastor.
The clips were dramatizations of hell. Don’t even ask. Same pathetically cheesy, campy effects, with a lot of gore thrown in – like a hell house, if they’d had them in the sixties.
Even if God does exist, I simply refuse to have theology dictated to me by these sub-morons. I feel very strongly that they shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
Of course, now I have to spend the rest of the day trying to get the image of that little person singing out of my mind, so I can sleep tonight. Thanks, Daniel.
The rhythm of the pastor’s speech reminds me of…Mitch Hedburg. O_o
The woman with the glorified body (1:32) is still not pretty…
Geeze. The entire video is terrifying. Heaven as they describe it just sounds ostentatious. I’d rather live in the mountains… or maybe by the beach… or in a futuristic sci-fi dystopia. Anything but that enormous wad of bleachy-clean marble.
I like the way everyone looks genuinely terrified of the singing midget.
” God’s dwelling place, was a cube”
I never knew – doesn’t that make ‘him’ a borg?
Wow, I didn’t know that Pastor Erkel knew the exact dimensions of heaven. I’m Canadian though, so I’d like to get that in metric…
I’m not judging christianity on a YouTube video. I’m merely pointing out that this particular notion of christian heaven is foolish beyond comparison and thus deserves to be ridiculed.
I will never (intentionally) judge christianity based on anything, much in the same way I will not judge democracy or the community of soccer fans worldwide.
I am, however, willing to judge any person I encounter, based on their behaviour, their knowledge and their beliefs, just in the same way I am prepared to be judged by others.
>this is a very very lame representation of heaven
Yep, you’re not wrong!
Don’t mean this to sound like I’m trolling, but do you have a representation that you adhere to? What do you think it’ll be like in the afterlife?
Yeah, the Bible says the roads will be paved with gold so pure you can SEE through it! Isn’t that awesome!?! PRAIZE JESUS CLEAR GOLD!!!
The whole point of this website is that Christians ARE buying and supporting the lame crap. It’s part of Christianity.
It’s… it’s… it’s….
“Unreasonable Faith!”
“However, don’t judge Christianity on this please..”
Grow up baby, grow up.
Of course I judge Christianity on this! What the hell OTHER religion did you think they are?
“However, don’t judge Christianity on this please..”
Allrighty then, what should we judge christianity by?
Actually, I haven’t yet pictured in my mind what heaven would be like.
I focus on what I have to do to follow Christ on Earth, not what I’ll do after dead(cos imagining what heaven would be like won’t change heaven)
I believe that everyone will have life and happiness in heaven, and it doesn’t matter how we’re going to have them.
Somehow I am under the impression that you are–intentionally or unintentionally–avoiding something.
Do you really have such a vague concept on one of the most important things in religion, the one thing most people (not necessarily including you) are willing to endure any hardship on earth, just as long as they go to heaven afterwards?!
When I held christian beliefs, I was pretty sure about at least a few things (seeing your grand-parents, eternal sunshine, no illnesses).
Maybe (just an assumption) you are evading another cognitive dissonance by not actually picturing heaven more precisely than ‘hav[ing] life and happiness’
Ah, okay. The only reason I asked is because you said it was a lame representation of Heaven. I thought that meant you had a better one.
By the way, I have lots of questions about Heaven, and although you might consider this trolling (the questions are slightly tongue in cheek), I’m genuinely interested to know what a believer’s views are on these:
What do they do all day? What is a day? Do people sleep? Can I get on the internet? (I’d get pretty bored pretty quickly without the internet.)
What do people look like? Are ugly people still ugly? Are disfigured people still disfigured in Heaven? What happens to siamese twins? Are they one soul or two? What do they look like in Heaven? What happens to aborted foetuses, do they come into Heaven as fully grown people?
Do people still pray in Heaven? Can I still have sex in Heaven? How do they “see” what us mortal’s are up to when they “look down on us from above”? Do I know everything when I’m in heaven? Do I get tired or hungry?
And, *most* importantly, can I still go skiing and windsurfing?
I’m sure I’ll think of some more.
Ooh… ooh… and… (here’s a good one) what language do they speak in Heaven?
The angelic language, of course! What do you think those Pentecostals speak when they jibber-jabber?
Dammit, after reading your post, I must admit that my concept of heaven was also pretty vague. Guess it takes a non-believer to adress the really problematic issues.
Btw, there almost certainly is no internet access in heaven. Just think about all the smut! Or, in other words … (I hope this works, as I have no clue how to properly embed links in the comments)
On the issue of internet access in heaven, i might actually be wrong.
It doesn’t have to be extremely pure… extremely thin is sufficient. Depending on the thickness of the layer, it’s either greenish or blueish. Just think of the old CD-Rs with gold reflective coating. When you look through them against the sun, the become transparent and green.
As much as I hate to say it, gold is the only metal that can actually be transparent when beaten thin enough. They use it on astronaut visors to filter out harmful rays.
That’s proof right there that Heaven’s is actually in space.
I said: “Do you really have such a vague concept on one of the most important things in religion [...]”
You said: “Actually this is the biggest misconception [...]”
Therefore, I conclude that heaven is pretty much irrelevant to christians.
Would you then please be so kind as to explain intercession and the necessity to live a “good”/”god-fearing”/”god-loving life? Because if heaven is not important, then what’s all the fuss about? Please enlighten your heathen fellows ;-)
To be clear, I was taking issue with your “one of the most important things” It is a part of our faith, but not the point of our faith, nor one of the most important things.
The point of life is to love God because we can. I know you do no subscribe to this system of belief, but imagine, if you did, and you could have a love relationship with the all powerful creator of the universe. For me that is enough.
Also, just so I am not mistaken, the fault lies on the church for misstating its purpose for the past 100′s of years. From an outside perspective, I think your observation would be very easy to come to.
Thin? THIN? Are you suggesting my god is CHEAP?
But can I drive my Jesus 777-SUV on a thin layer of clear gold? I don’t think so. It’s going to be the thickest pure clear gold in the world! And in front of my mansion! With all my friends and family! And with great food!
How could that possibly be made up?
Doesn’t the idea of gold roads miss the point? Why have roads at all? They imply gravity to use them…cars, trucks, friction, etc.
I was rather hoping I could fly, or teleport somehow.
Exactly, why would there be gravity in Heaven? There’s no Earth to pull you back down. Your SUV would be flying around with it’s wheels spinning like crazy.
BTW, where would you get gas from? Would combustion still happen in Heaven? Would all the CO2 cause Heavenly warming?
Kurt, you seem like a nice guy, but let’s be clear about something. It seems unlikely anyone would have a “love relationship with the all powerful creator of the universe” if their wasn’t this idea of heaven after life. The myth was created a few thousand years ago. The Church didn’t misstate its purpose merely 100 years ago. Its “purpose” is the point of it all.
Why be thankful and have the “love relationship” if there was no promise of eternal life? If you are honest, I think you will draw the same conclusion.
Okay, so in other words (and please correct me if I’m wrong):
Every single popular religion (the abrahamic religions, hinduism, bhudism) is wrong, because they promise some sort of afterlife (or blissful peace of some kind) as one of the central aspects of their religious beliefs, while the one thing that really counts is just loving your god(s)???
Isn’t there the slightest possibility that people are told what they want to hear, because many can’t deal with the finality of death?
(I’ve just started to wonder where all the stars that turned into novae in the last 6,000-13.7bn years went… I hope there’s a heaven for them, too *sniff*)
And leave us not forget the whip and lash of the fear of eternal punishment to keep you in line.
In case, y’know, christianity isn’t convincing enough to win over your free will on its own merits.
JESUS! He creates fake gravity. He creates fake fossil fuel. He creates fake oxygen atmosphere in heaven. He creates my SUV ex nihilo. And no CO2 because he’s Jesus! PRAISE HIM!
Sunday School was right, Jesus is always the right answer! He can get anyone out of any question, because he can do anything.
Jesus = Magic
Heck, you know what… I love Jesus. Thanks Daniel, you’ve just converted me.
Wait a second…
We have to accept all this crap about fake gravity’n'stuff so that YOU can drive around in your SUV?! That, sir, is heavenly fascism!!! I demand that there are no roads (they just ruin the pristine landscape) and that teleportion is the default method of locomotion!!!
And as for the transparent gold: How lame is that?! I want diamonds! Way more precious, way more durable (after all, gold is rather soft), and the best thing is: they are already transparent.
So I have to conclude: Yes, your god IS cheap ;-)
Devysciple,
If it makes you feel better, the Buddhists describe their Pure Land as having streets paved with precious jewels.
Hmm, still the roads, apparently no teleportation either…
But the precious stones… That does it for me. Can’t comment any longer here, must go out and pimp my karma…
ROFLMAO!!!
I don’t think that was a glum or bored expression. I think they were in shock and expecting something better than big hair.
@Patrick
first off, I said 100′s, but you are correct 1000′s would have been more.
Regarding the love relationship- saying that the only reason to love would be for an afterlife is like saying the only reason to love your earthly father is to get an inheritance. Just simply not true.
@Devysciple
Please do not put words in my mouth or try to argue against an argument I was not making. I made no reference to other religions. My point was and still is that heaven is not one of the most important aspects of Christianity, it is an aspect but its importance pales in comparison to the relationship with the Father.
And once again, I can understand why you may have come to this conclusion, many Christians have the same opinion.
“[...] saying the only reason to love your earthly father is to get an inheritance. Just simply not true.”
With the tiny difference that I have actual proof of my father’s existence. And I would bet there is more than one son/daughter that is doing exactly what you suggest. But I am digressing…
I was not trying to put words in your mouth, I was extrapolating what it would mean you had posted earlier. If that offended or annoyed you in anyway, I sincerely apologize. On the other hand, I’m less and less sure what you actually want to tell us. So far, all I understood is:
You love God for the sake of loving God, not to go to heaven (though it might be a pleasant side-effect), and that christian religion got that wrong and is telling people false teachings.
Is that what you are suggesting? If not, please try to make it crystal clear what you are actually pointing at. Thanks in advance.
Maybe you should tell these guys as well, as to prevent we are the only ones knowing what you told us…
Btw, after googling around some bits in order to find any hints as to whether your claims can somehow be substantiated, I only found stuff along these lines.
I’m really interested in your support for your assertion…
(Boy, the suspense is killing me ;-)
Ooops, sorry for the lmgtfy stuff… I was writing an email at the same time and got my search engines mixed up. Please don’t take offense in that.
at kurt
…. Regarding the love relationship- saying that the only reason to love would be for an afterlife is like saying the only reason to love your earthly father is to get an inheritance. ….
mark…wait a minute a father here on earth loved by his children has provided money, protection, wisdom, love and whole bunch of other things that your god dosent provide.
what exactly does your god provide are you aware that christians in this country make make less money than other folks.
if you break your leg will praying to god heal the leg or bring an ambulance. no i dont think that will work somehow but ill tell you this if the average father sees his child down with a broken leg he will do everthing in his power to get that child to a hospital and on the way to relief and healing.
your god on the other hand is perfectly fine to watch the most cruel and depraved things happen to the most innocent of humans.
exactly what reason do you or anyone else have to love god, exactly what has this god done for you that that makes you love him.
id love for you to give a few examples of things god has done to earn your love, although my bet is you love god based upon those warm and tingly felelings he gives you. not anything specific god has done for you.
@devydisciple
No offense taken whatsoever, I just wanted to make certain that we were discussing the same thing.
And yes, you have summarized my point well. Going back to the earthly father analogy, if your earthly father was wealthy, a result of having a loving relationship, I may inherit his wealth, but the point of me having a loving relationship with him is not to get the wealth, it is for the relationship. For to long Christians have been in the business of selling ‘tickets to heaven.’ When this is not found in the Bible at all.
Haha! The irony… it burns!
Remember…. only judge religions on the good stuff.. sweep all the other crappy and ridiculous bits under the carpet.
(… you’re gonna need a super huge carpet BTW)
I keep having to defer to Ralph Waldo Emerson. The man summed it up so well over a century ago.
He was paraphrasing what “loving” Christians are really trying to tell us about our worldly ways being damned and them finally getting their reward, and gloating at all the godless unbelievers’ comeuppance:
‘You sin now; we shall sin by and by; we would sin now, if we could; not being successful, we expect our revenge to-morrow.’
Great food, but with no meat, since meat is only for us fallen, predatory, sinners. In other words, not great food.
“Chirrup” is a good word.
Anyone who makes any kind of substantial claim about heaven should be regarded as suspect, as the Bible has no information what so ever about it, except for a few vague references in Revelations.
So any believers who makes concrete claims about heaven are simply further demonstrating their willingness to base their faith on wishful thinking rather than any actual information.
Exactly!
Anthropomorphism doesn’t have an alternative. Everything we conceive of, however far-fetched, like Christianity’ heaven, always ASSumes seeing; talking; language (like God would need the human invention of language!); hearing; bodies – dressed in robes so no genitalia or mammaries are swinging around in plain view; streets for those bodies to walk on and mansions or poofy clouds for them to live in; voices so they sing ’cause God needs praise to keep up his self-esteem; and precious metals and gemstones that have value on earth because they are pretty and somewhat rare, so of course we get lots of those!
God even might have robes. Christians keep saying he’s male, but no one has pulled up his robes and looked.
How much more limited in your assumptions can you get?
Your assumption that I am not a trained theologian is dead on spot. However, I am forced to assume that you are none, either. First, how do you know if we still have eyes in heaven, and second, how the hell can there be air crashes when
a) we dont know whether there is any air at all (I mean, what’s the point in breathing when you are immortal? Ever watched “Highlander” movies?) and
b) the ever-loving all-powerful God will surely prevent any demise of this kind (you know, heaven is supposed to be a nice place, and as of now I haven’t heard of any such disasters in heaven. And as there are no mentions of air crashes in the bible either, I consider this more than sufficient proof that your assumptions are plainly wrong).
;-)
Man, you are sooooo wrong! ;-))
Serious professionals do not have time for such low rated films. But your post amuses me so I will laugh. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Do you think that air guitar was just made up by drug crazed idiots? You need to think more clearly. Air____ is obviously a Platonic category.
Everyone except the 99.9999% of us who will be burning in hell.
HAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAA!
Haha!
“Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is greeaaaat;
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.”
“Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life”
You may actually have potential. :)
I feel deeply humbled by your judgment! May I accept you as my personal saviour by creating a close relationship and inviting you to live in my heart?
“They can choose to hide here…or return, to the Source.”
He, I was mainly refering to the “physical” conditions of heaven (what it looks and feels like), which are rather sparsely described in the Bible. But I admit, although I knew some of the details of New Jerusalem mentioned in Revelations, I didn’t know that the streets of gold actually has scriptural backing.
Now I’ll definitely convert to Christianity.
OMG!!!
Heaven contains some animals (including wolves, lambs, and lions), at least in its millennial phase (Isaiah 65:25). Even before the millennium, there are horses in heaven (Rev. 6:2-8; 19:11), enough for the armies of heaven to ride (Rev. 19:11; 2 Kings 6:17).
I had no idea the depths of absurdity the bible goes to. Reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy0d1HbItOo&playnext_from=PL&feature=PlayList&p=03E092C4F57BD8E4&playnext=1&index=1
If that was true, i’d rather refrain from mocking him. Besides, I think it wasn’t the name-calling, it was something more like this (especially points 20 through 22) :D
Ha! Loved the link!
Honour where honour’s due.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but your concepts of pleasure and joy are not 100 percent compatible with what the bible has to say…
Think more along the lines of “praising the lord”, “embracing the sanctity of your soul” and other spiritualistic nonsense.
Besides, no good spots for wind-surfing are mentioned anywhere in the bible… actually, it doesn’t even say something about wind at all, if I recall correctly.
eh crap… so much for “heaven” then.
I guess I’ll have to settle for the dusty atoms of my body to windsurf the vastness of space on a solar wind for eternity.
(I hear there’s a good breeze out by the Andromeda galaxy)
Sounds like heaven to me… (although I’m so not into wind-surfing. I’m actually infinitely glad I am bipedal; anything obfuscating that is just painful to me: roller-blading, skate-boarding, ice-skating, ski-ing etc.)
I am actually looking forward to my atoms and molecules being spread througout the whole galaxy. C’mon, how cool is that?!
That song came into my head as I was writing about the choir. Must be a holy confirmation.
My bad. This was meant for Devysciple.
My bad. I meant this for Devysciple in the transparent gold thread.
Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I felt tingly the femto-second you hit the ‘submit comment’ button…
So hail to You, my Question-I-thoritarian God!!!
What are your commands? :D
I thought I was the only one who’d noticed that heaven looks like The City. And would have thought it would be more like Sanctuary.
Oh, wait…
But not dogs.
Why does heaven need armies?
Why does heaven need armies?
To keep out the gays!
@ Patrick
I hope so, but I cannot honestly say yes. My love has nothing to do with gain or pain, but you do make a valid point.
My point regarding earthly fathers was to show the type of love relationship with the father in heaven, it was not a position on how people should or should not interact with their earthly father.