Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum

flat-earthTeach the controversy! Equal time! Kansas is just being progressive:

The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to “de-emphasize” rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as “godless Communist propaganda” in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as “the One True Way”.

According to Steve E. Abrams, chairman of the education board, the new curriculum “starts with the corrected presumption that the earth is flat, and more or less continues from that premise.”

Mr. Abrams stated that members of the Kansas Education Board were inspired to begin developing the new curriculum after several members “went outside and walked around a little”, leading them to question the prevailing wisdom regarding the shape of the earth. Pearl Dustbunny, deputy board chairman, elaborated:

“Me and some of the other board members decided to do a little ‘scientific exploration’ of our own,” she said, “instead of leaving it to all the heathens infesting those eastern liberal arts universities. We went outside the building here in Kansas and looked around. We also took a big ruler and took some measurements. Based on our observations and calculations, the earth is actually flat as a pancake. I don’t know who those people think they’re fooling.”

The Kansas Education Board, strengthened by its successes in muzzling the teaching of evolution and debunking “round earth theory”, two principles it finds “highly suspect”, is now revising its entire curriculum to reflect what it describes as “proper Christian values.”

“It’s not a religious curriculum,” Ms. Dustbunny was quick to emphasize, “because as you know that’s prohibited by the Establishment Clause of the Constitution. What we’re doing is utilizing the Bible as a work of literature and as a scientific treatise, just like Newton’s Principia Mathematica.”

Yes, it’s a parody — but is it really any different from teaching creationism?

  • http://puckingabout.blogspot.com Stuart

    Sad thing is that with dome of the private schools its totally plausible

  • dr.R.

    “Teach the controversy! Equal time!” – why wouldn’t that apply to religious education as well? So, apart from the bible, students should also learn about all the other holy books that are around, including the Koran, the Kama Sutra and the Lord of the Rings. Of course, if Xianity were the One True Religion, it would be obvious from such a comparison, so they can’t possibly be against it.

    • http://www.dougwadedesign.com dwade

      I agree

    • Daniel Florien

      I definitely think “multiple religions” courses should be taught in school, where kids get an overview of the major religions, their history, and what they believe. I think it would also be a good inoculation against fanaticism, since they’d know the history and be prepared for the preposterous claims all religions make.

      • Baconsbud

        I would like to see how they would cover the early history of most major religions. If I remember correctly most used extreme violence to implant them.

      • LRA

        Daniel– Some good news for Texas???

        http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6440787.html

        And the rumor is that Perry (our Gov.) is out… and that Kay Bailey Hutchison (a moderate) is running next term…

    • DDM

      I would be all for teaching the Koran in school. Maybe then we’d truly be against Sharia Law.

  • Nzo

    Daniel,

    I can honestly say I believed that this was a real story. Though none of this would surprise me in the least, I couldn’t help but rage about it. I had thoughts of rigging the entire state of Kansas to be blasted into the sun. I even asked the FSM for ideas, but he just offered me beer and strippers.

    You got me. Even the FSM laughed with me as we finally realized that NO ONE could POSSIBLY be that stupid!

    While the FSM in no way helped me while I was raging, I have to say Satan had the wonderful idea of developing a disease that prevents the reproductive processes in anyone lacking in the IQ department.

    Though having such an IQ doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be atheist, at least they’ll have the intellectual capacity to question such things!

  • Baconsbud

    I find this hard to believe. I am wondering if maybe time travel is possible and we are slowly traveling back to the dark ages, when flat earth was a normal view. I am glad I don’t live in KLansas but do fear if Kansas is able to do something like this to many states will follow suit.

  • Len

    I believed it until the second time I read the name Dustbunny (apologies to any real Mr, Mrs, or Ms Dustbunny out there). Even the bit about “… heathens infesting those eastern liberal arts universities …”

    It sounds crazy enough to be true. Scary.

  • Johnny Cache

    A good example of Poe’s Law.

  • wazza

    would this curriculum include the names of the elephants?

    And what about Bowl-Earth Hypothesis?

    (incidentally, if you’re interested, this has a couple of links filled with unintentional hilarity)

  • http://www.dougwadedesign.com dwade

    Question:
    What do all the “Dawkinites” and champions of the “Darwin Gospels” think of Stephen Colbert?

    • wazza

      eh?

      He’s a comedian. One of the best I know of. I enjoy his work. I don’t know his feelings on religion and don’t really care.

      By “Dawkinites” (should be Dawkinsites) I presume you mean the people who follow the dawkins.net news aggregator. Some of those people are a little… rabid… but I think you’re applying this to atheists in general. Just say atheist from now on, man. I was an atheist at 7, before I’d even heard who Dawkins was. I respect him, but I don’t follow him.

      As for “Darwin Gospels”, evolution is a scientific theory, and one which is incredibly helpful in biology, but from Darwin on, we’ve known that it is a really awful philosophy of life, and that we have in fact evolved the ability to construct better moralities than the one built into the natural world… though there is some beautiful poetry in there. In particular the last paragraph (was going to reproduce it here, but it’s quite long). Nevertheless, if I were to pick something to base my life on, it would be out of philosophy, not biology – some mixture of Kant and Utilitarianism.

      So yeah, I don’t really know who your question is aimed at, nor do I know the point of it. Could you clarify?

      • Joe B

        in case anyone else cares, he’s part of the religious left. Democrat and practicing Roman Catholic.

        • rodneyAnonymous

          I like “ye heathen”.

          • rodneyAnonymous

            Erm, slanted words.
            .|.
            V

            • John C

              Nice, creative keyboard work there Rod, I’ve never seen that one before. Of course the monestary keeps me kinda sheltered, sequestered away from modern society and all…*wink, lol.

        • http://avertyoureye.blogspot.com/ Teleprompter

          So according to Liberty University, he’s not a real Christian?

    • Joe B

      Care to load the question any more? I think you could slant the wording a bit more there.

    • Custador

      Dwade, if you’re planning to stun us all by shouting “AHA! Your favourite Democrat comedian believes in God!!!!!11111!!!!!ONEONEONE!!!!”, let me save you the effort: We know. We just don’t care.

      • wazza

        speak for yourself…

        *cries*

        but seriously, yes. I have religious friends. Religiosity is no problem with me… so long as it doesn’t interfere with the performance of civic duties. Obviously, Colbert has been performing his civic duties admirably, and striking to the truth on a wide variety of issues with his characteristic scathing humour, and so I honestly could not care less if he turned out to be a member of Opus Dei.

    • Roger

      “Dawkinites”? “Darwin Gospels”? What the devil are you talking about, man?

      • Daniel Florien

        Interesting. He seems think we worship Dawkins like he does Jesus.

    • Andrew N.P.

      i think the colbert report is a pretty cool guy. eh parodeis bill o’rielly and doesn’t afraid of anything.

  • http://www.dougwadedesign.com dwade

    I didn’t have any ulterior motives by posting that question, Just curious what everyone thinks about Stephen C. He has been accused of Poe….No aha’s.

    • wazza

      Poe requires that people actually take you seriously before wondering if it’s satire. In case you haven’t noticed, Colbert is on Comedy Central.

      • Joe B

        I think it’s totally plausible that dwade didn’t realize it’s satire.

        • José

          The Bad Astronomer did a couple of posts on Colbert trying to get the space station module named after himself, and it was pretty clear that there are many, many people who don’t realize it’s a satire.

    • Joe B

      Accused?

      That’s the whole point. He’s making fun of O’Reilly.

    • Roger

      Dude, do you know anything about satire?

    • Custador

      Dwade, I truly believe that you are incapable of posting a question like that without an ulterior motive. I really do. Fortunately, you’re equaly incapable of doing it without making it extremely obvious what you’re up to.

    • Sock

      Haaaahahahahhaha.

      I guess that they weren’t kidding when they said that some conservatives thought that Colbert was being 100% serious. Accused of being a Poe… hahaha…

      As far as I’m concerned, I’d say that he parodies the right in general, but every now and then he does say something in defense OF the right, which means that he evaluates everything and judges it on it’s own merit, regardless of what “side” it represents.

  • http://www.dougwadedesign.com dwade

    I wasnt comparing myself to Colbert.

    • Nebbie

      I didn’t see anyone saying you were… Go read a legitimate book. Something that isn’t the Bible, and talk to us after. You’ll notice that atheists make it a point to gather as much info on both sides as possible, yet the religious side sticks to just one “book” and make up rumors about eating babies… I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

      • Custador

        “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”

        I’m so stealing that line!

    • Joe B

      The only way that comment makes the least bit of sense is if you are outing yourself as a Poe.

      But you never makes sense.

  • http://www.atheistrev.com vjack

    No difference at all. And you know what is even worse? I came here hoping that it would be a parody but not entirely sure. That speaks volumes!

  • LRA

    Well, those Kansas schoolboard people did get one thing right– Kansas is indeed flatter than a pancake:

    http://improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume9/v9i3/kansas.html

    ;)

  • Francesc

    Hey, when are we speaking about Intelligent Falling?

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  • Thought Criminal

    Atheist satire is really wearing thin. Not nearly as clever as you think. Try getting out of your pat on the back, echo chambers, become informed, and actually learn the principles of logic, instead of nervously insisting er protesting too much, that you’re so smart and so persecuted.