God Tells Abraham To Kill His Son

This is the funniest retelling of the Abraham & Issac story I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to pick the most ridiculous story in the Bible, but this one is certainly up there.

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From That Mitchell & Webb Look.

  • http://www.hairyfishnuts.com/ salvage

    Brilliant!

  • Ty

    I love this story.

    God: “Kill your son.”

    Abe: “Uh, ok…”

    God: “Psych!!! Man, you should have seen the look on your face!!! It was classic!!! SUCKER!!!”

    I also picture god as the guy who gets drunk and wears a lampshade on his head at parties, then thinks he’s the funniest guy EVAR.

    • http://deusexeverriculum.wordpress.com/ Postman

      I see you’ve been to one of His parties. You haven’t lived ’til you’ve watched Him, lampshade in place, tell the story of the she-bears eating the 42 kids for laughing at a bald guy. He does the sound-effects and everything.

    • stoat100

      Check out the ‘The Granton Star Cause’ from the book and film ‘The Acid House’ (Irvine Welsh – same guy who wrote the fine ‘Trainspotting’)

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Acid_House_(film)

      God turns out to be a belligerent Scottish alcoholic who turns the protagonist into a fly!

  • joshr

    Hilarious! Seriously, if you believe in this stuff as literal or just think its neat allegory to base your life on, the fact alone that it makes such great comedy should be enough to make any reasonable person think again.

  • Bender

    Funny sketch about one of the most horrible and stupid tales in the old testament. I’d like to know how xtians explain why an omniscient god would need to test Abraham.

  • Tobytwo

    Because Abraham had free will just like the rest of God’s children. So God tested his faith, to see if he would truly put the Lord’s will before everything earthly.

    It is not cruel, because God loves all of his children, and even if Isaac had died he would have just gone up to live with God in heaven. In fact, it’s almost like teasing Isaac, because he almost got an express ticket to the pearly gates.

    • nomad

      Yeah, they should have brought that out in the sketch. It would have been hilarious!

    • Bender

      You don’t see the contradiction. If that were true, then your god doesn’t know what anybody’s gonna do, ergo, he’s not omniscient.

      • Tobytwo

        Oh, I see it. I should have ratcheted up the sarcasm.

        • Bender

          Sorry. Too subtle for me.

        • joshr

          Holding back on the sarcasm here would be downright heretical. Let it flow, young son of Sarcasmus our Savior!

    • Aor

      Or, it could be a handy little moral tale explaining why the people of that region no longer followed the old Canaanite practice of child sacrifice despite being an outgrowth of the Canaanite religion.

      • http://www.hairyfishnuts.com/ salvage

        What’s the moral? Always do what your god tells you to do even if it’s crazy because he may be testing you?

        Why an all-knowing god needs to test anything is the real mystery, doesn’t he already know the results of everything?

        • joshr

          It is absurd. The “moral”, if one can excuse the irony of the use of that word in this situation, is that allegiance to power is grander than, say, the life of your children or your willingness to end that life, and that deception in order to prove that allegiance is more noble than trust.

        • Felix

          Well, the concept of knowing everything itself is nonsense, it doen’t even require pointing out the conflicts with omnipotence and omnibenevolence. To know everything, you have to have an exact picture of every tiniest event on quantum (or even sub that) level. This is the same thing as having everything in actual existence. Omniscience is nothing other than simulating the entire universe. It means that this universe exists or existed at least twice. The only way to break this simulation chain is by claiming that God did not have omniscience the first time he created the universe, then decided it was what he wanted and created the whole thing again. But then we have no way of knowing if we aren’t in this first universe and therefore do have an imniscient God after all. Christianity is self refuting on every level.

          • Felix

            typo, last line omniscient

    • RudQ

      If god “knows everything” why would he need to “test” anyone. Shouldn’t he have already known Abraham was willing to murder Isaac as a sacrifice? Or was this just a sadistic act on god’s part…..just to throw his weight around.

    • jessica85

      ur fucking deluded. id like to see u kill ur own child. sick fuck
      those kinds of ppl r in JAIL for LIFE. they r labelled PSHYCHOPATHS for killing their child. does matter if god, or the pope of fucking santa claus told me to do it. i would NEVER kill a human, let alone my OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. christians make me sick.

  • Custador

    I love the idea of God as a giant, see through George Lucas tinkering with an already perfect creation :)

    • Tobytwo

      So Greedo shooting first was, like, a miracle!

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  • http://NoGuyintheSky.com No Guy in the Sky

    OMG lol This is the best!

  • Robert Green

    Since we all know there’s no ‘gd’, do you think Abraham was a homocidal maniac!?!?!

    • joshr

      You say that like you are shocked, as if the bible isn’t already chock full of (and an advocate for) homicide and genocide.

  • Francesc

    Rested, rested, rested, drunk everybody, rested, rested…
    On one hand, we got a pretty lazy deity.
    On the other hand I like him more when he is resting…

  • Custador

    The full episode featuring that sketch is on BBC iplayer at the moment, by the way.

  • Mark D

    It would be great if they poked fun of Islam, but being in the UK I doubt it would ever happen.
    But since muslims believe the same story (with Ismael instead of Ivan, oops I mean Isaac) I guess that is close enough.

  • NervousRex

    The concept of God being omniscient could also include God being omni-present, existing at all times simultaneously. God’s experience of the universe would be like someone looking at a sculpture inhabited by tiny beings. God can see the whole thing at once. The tiny ones in the sculpture would only see the part of the sculpture they inhabit. The “past” end of the sculpture would only be known through stories (history , myth) the “future” end would be unknowable.

    • cynic

      “God can see the whole thing at once”
      really , even the part of the universe that hasn’t expanded yet?

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  • jessica85

    by the way. my rant was for Toby. all u other guys r cool with me.


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