The Right Stuff: Dr. Patrick Johnston

by Lorette C. Luzajic
Part 13 of the
Pillars of Faith series

Righter than the Right

It’s beyond comprehension that the opponents of contraception and abortion are the same ones who think it’s communist to care for the underprivileged or unwanted. It’s also a great mystery that these greedy, gun-toting creeps name themselves for a mostly-peacenik hippie who cared about the sick and poor. And though this irony is sadly commonplace, there is one man so right-winged that he makes Jerry Falwell look like a leftie.

Ohio’s Dr. Patrick Johnston thinks he’s the “Right Remedy” for the world’s ills. That’s the name of his website and radio show. He is the founder of the Association of Pro-life Physicians, the Coalition for Justice for All Ohioans, and the Alliance to Reform Education Funding. He also ran for state representative and he teaches political science.

It’s the same old-same old: women, like his wife who mothers eight children, are baby-making machines. “All Ohioans” refers to all unborn ones, but not the poor ones, the unwanted ones, the sick ones, or the gay ones. Reform Ed means indoctrinating kids at home without science and history that contradicts the Word getting in the way. “The public schools are offering our kids waaaaaaaay too many things that we do not want them to offer… like condoms, evolution, the immoral company of other bad children, and tolerance and diversity training,” Johnston says. Diversity means, of course, idolaters. “Casting aspersions upon the true God by bringing idols up to his level” is not something the tots should be learning.

Not Enough White Right Christians!

Pullquote: Every invader should be treated as an enemy of the state.
Dr. Patrick Johnston

Doc laments that Obama is an “Uncle Tom” who perpetuates slavery and extinction with his conspiracy to murder little black babies. And yet in “The Last American Minority” he whines: “In the last presidential election, the leading contenders were a woman, an African American, and a Mormon.” We all “sympathize with the weak and helpless” and that’s why “Caucasians are upset about the injustice of racist quotas that penalize” them. “I’m a right-wing anti-choice homophobic extremist mutt who is mostly Irish but 1/16th Cherokee. Can I get put on the minority list?”

The only weak that deserve our concern are fetal — and yet even the birth control pill is murder, and Johnston won’t prescribe it. He also thinks, “The morning-after pill is a reckless disregard for human life … it should be banned as should all other forms of chemical and surgical child-killing.” But what will become of all those little bundles of joy? After all, the state should stop placing children in foster homes with singles or unmarried couples — yet there’s already a dire shortage of homes for the needy kids so lucky to have escaped mama’s contraception.

And of course, crime is not caused by the poverty of love and resource, but by immigrants. “Every invader should be treated as an enemy of the state,” Doc says. But who will clean his office toilets or work for the paltry wages that fuel production and service in this great land? Johnston opposes raising minimum wages, as all paychecks will have to go up an inch closer to living wages. That would mean the business owner would have to take “a cut in his own pay.” The Bible commands “workers to ‘be content with your wages.’ Coveting wealth that God hasn’t given you is…idolatry.”

I doubt that poorly paid slave laborers are coveting wealth — they’d just like to feed the six kids they had while heroically refusing birth control. But greedy servants aren’t the only barriers to the limitless abundance this life-loving man deserves: “Prepare for economy-choking regulations of America’s businesses in trying to fend off ‘global warming.’”

They Shall Be Put to Death

Pullquote: Johnston says God “lovingly outlawed homosexuality in His criminal justice system.”

But as usual — sigh — the most reviled target of this man’s hate is The Homosexual. God “lovingly outlawed homosexuality in His criminal justice system. Have you ever noticed that Saudi Arabia doesn’t have an ‘AIDS crisis?’” Well, they don’t have a cancer or diabetes crisis either, so should we put sugar eaters to death? Smokers? Johnston points out that Dahmer and a bunch of other serial killers were homos. He conveniently leaves out that the rest of them — the majority — were not.

And Doc abhors gun control even more than homos. “My office will not be a ‘gun-free zone,’ he says. And neither should your nurseries: “Don’t despair. Keep faith in God, stand for the right, do justly, pray hard, take names, buy guns for Christmas and teach your children to shoot them well.”

Lorette C. Luzajic writes about all kinds of interesting people at Fascinating People.

You Can't Keep a Bad Man Down
Where the Fire Comes From
Bob Cargill on the Holy Grail
Meet The Wife
  • Siberia

    It’s quite shocking to me, as well, but I do so hate this man.
    I’m not used to hating people (my somewhat inflamed posts notwithstanding), but this guy takes the cake. What a hateful little asshole. If Saudi Arabia doesn’t have an AIDS problem, why doesn’t he move there?
    (Oh, that’s right. Brown people are evil too.)

  • Atticus

    Well the upper classes need all the health care/money ect ect, so they can take care of the lesser people. Duh!

  • Yoav

    And this guy is a doctor. I remember the bible is full of stories about people being healed by miracle but I cant remember a single story of someone healed by getting a prescription. Therefore we should eliminate all healthcare since desseae is a punshment from god and if we pray hard enough he will heal us. This way we can go back to the way things were in the glorious days of the bible when all the inocent babies will be born but 90% of them will be dead from simple infections by the age of 5 thus not being an economic burden for good hard working people like Patrick Johnston.

  • brgulker

    I’m trying to figure out how this guy is a “Pillar of Faith.” Perhaps he’s much more notorious than I’m aware of, but I’ve never heard of him.

    The rest of Lorette’s list makes a lot of sense, but this one puzzles me. (perhaps because I’m unaware of his popularity?)

  • Jeff

    Its sad that I am from Ohio, like we don’t get ridiculed enough lol. Oh well, I’d like to see this guy walk onto the oval on Ohio State’s campus and start spewing this crap. It makes for quite entertaining scenes when the rather liberal students start arguing back, then the police have to come escort the blowhard for causing a disruption. I’ve seen it done, hella funny!

  • Professor Chaos

    Why do these people always love guns so much? I’m pretty sure it says somewhere in the good book not to kill anyone.

  • elflocko

    Nice shirts those kids are wearing in that picture. Way to whore your own kids out for votes.

    I hope at least one of them grows up to be an a gay, atheist, abortion doctor…

    • ThisGodlessEndeavor

      Haha, you know thats inevitable.

      btw thanks for turning me onto this site! (squirrlnutz)

  • Nelly

    Holy crap………..literally

    he makes the Liberty Council seem tame by comparison.

    And Jeff. I was one of those liberal students on the Oval at OSU in 1974! And yes, these types got us plenty riled up!

    • Jeff

      Haha thats awesome, I vividly remember my freshman year there in 2002, the first weekend I got there (from small town rural ohio) I was shocked at how big it was, then 20 seconds after walking onto the oval I heard this guy yelling about fags, jews, witches, women, bin laden, and how they are corrupting the white mans rise to power. What I can only assume was an ‘accident’ a frisbee happened to catch him in the head from a rather openly gay female….never laughed so hard in my life.

  • Oblio

    Wow… just.. Wow. What a truly dangerous man he is. He is the embodiment of an American Taliban… damn the Constitution, all kneel before the (currently accepted verion of) The Holy Bible. People like Dr. Johnston create more fear and dread in me than a hundred crazed Muslim extremists ever could, because his White face and bland smile and blind eyes and blindered mind are like honey-flavored pablum to the ignoramuses amongst us. Lately, my wife gives me the eye-roll when I start to rant about these religious zealots, but she also knows we free-thinkers have much to lose if they are successful in thier quest to grab the levers of power again and throttle it right down our throats. Scary. Thanks for this posting… as usual, one of my favorite stops on the ethernet!

  • Yoav

    “In the last presidential election, the leading contenders were a woman, an African American, and a Mormon”
    John Mc’Cain was too much white,male christian to support his claim for being prosecuted for being one so he was conveniently ignored, just like evidence that support evolution.

  • PStryder

    When you are in Ohio, do you know what a good thing to do is?

    Pack up and get the fuck out!

    This is a perfect example of why I left Ohio.

    • elflocko

      Same here. Fled that backward quagmire of ignorance and idiocy 12 years ago and haven’t missed it one bit…

  • DDM

    No offense to the kids since it’s not their fault, but it looks like they all have Down’s Syndrome.

  • LRA


  • CybrgnX

    Hay all! DON’T HATE this guy!! Watch him and count the ones looking at him with adoration.
    THEY are the ones to fear. This guy is a powerless idiot so far away from christianity that he is in another universe. But those that listen to him are the brainless zombies to be feared and battled.
    People don’t like to hear this but Hitler never harmed anyone; it was the zombies that believed that did all the killing. And this guy is the same. Watch his power base and strive against them they are the real danger!

  • InjunTrouble

    As an actual ‘fbi’ (full-blooded Indian) Cherokee, I insist he refrain from associating himself with the Indian nations. 1/16? That’s more like the percentage of rationality he possesses. I’m surprised he could pull his dick out of his wife long enough to have any outside interests…….by ‘wife’ I mean ‘revolving-door vagina’.

    • Sunny Day

      Revolving-Door Vagina? Too many syllables.
      Try “Clown Car Vagina” or for alliterative bonus points “Clown Car Cooter”.

  • J Mc

    First off, I have stitches from laughing at InjunTrouble’s comment.

    I can count 10 kids in that picture. And even if only 8 of those are this “doctor”‘s kids, his wife has spent 6 solid years of her life being pregnant (assuming none of them were premature (except maybe this “doctor” ;-) ). That seems to be quite a strong “keep the woman subservient” sentiment too if you ask me.

    “I’m a right-wing anti-choice homophobic extremist mutt who is mostly Irish but 1/16th Cherokee. Can I get put on the minority list?”
    No, you cannot. You can however go f yourself and give your wife a break.

    “Every invader should be treated as an enemy of the state,” Doc says.
    Based on that thought-process, only 1/16th of you should actually be in this country…

    God “lovingly outlawed homosexuality in His criminal justice system. Have you ever noticed that Saudi Arabia doesn’t have an ‘AIDS crisis?’
    Wait wait wait.. So he wants the US to be just like Saudi Arabia? And if they have the same god as you.. then whose religion is correct? I’m thoroughly confused.
    When it comes to turning this country into Saudi Arabia, he at least seems to have the women’s role figured out. He’s just gotta fix all the other screw ups like those darned homosexual serial killers.

    You gotta love crazy people.

  • Michael

    Pity there isn’t a hell for him to go to…

  • Slantrhyme

    I couldn’t resist, so I had a stroll around the Right Remedy site. I went to the “letters” section, and sure enough, just like every other preacher with an agenda, he’s got reams of letters from readers, supporters, and the countless hearts he has turned, or turned back, to Jesus….and they are all 100% B.S. He or his publicist/PR team did a really poor job of trying to make them sound convincing, especially the one that is supposed to be from an African-American female who did not vote for Obama. Even better is one from a “wayward” Christian who had been hanging around with some “hardcore” atheists, but was saved from the torment of doubt and temptation. What, are we forming gangs now?

  • Custador

    Saudi Arabia has just as much of an AIDS problem as the rest of the world – it’s just that people there don’t admit it. Their deaths get recorded as other natural causes like cancer.

  • rodneyAnonymous

    “Preborn”. Ugh.

  • frederick

    Helloooo, the very basic commend that christian till to day failed to do,, is raising the dead up as no evidence,, only rumour.. perhap it’s all mind game,, that’s shape our life especially in christianity faith,, yet offen emphasis heart but heart is just pumping blood,, once stop is dead BUT the brain take at least 15min to die,,,so if a hyper active brain take a longer time to die off,, christians,, sometime the brain can resurrect a dead heart to pumping blood again,,, so..belief go to brain first not heart…only mind control everything in your body.. cheers …i was once a dynamic christian that left to die of my dream…

  • bigjohn756

    What does gun toting have to do with it?

  • His Lordship the Gun-Toting Atheist

    Dear author, I find the term ‘gun-toting creeps’ in the second sentence of your posting slightly disturbing. To be clear, I am a college-educated liberal atheist who owns guns. By using the derogatory term ‘gun-toting creeps’, you are making it sound like all gun owners are right-wing weirdos, and it is not the case.

  • Patrick Johnston

    I feel so honored that you’d spend so much time writing about me. But don’t I teach enough controversial things for you to forego the temptation to add fiction to what I believe? But hey, if there’s no God, then what’s a little lie (or a little murder, etc.)

    For a refutation of the nonsense of atheism, see

    God bless you atheists! (with an extra-special blessing upon all you atheistic homosexuals… love ya:-)
    Patrick Johnston

    • Daniel Florien

      Run this through the FundieTranslator™ and you get:

      “Fuck you, atheists! Especially you fags!”

      Seriously though, Patrick, if you are being falsely represented here please set us, ahem, straight.

      • Jabster

        “That is, reject the Christian God and no sense can be made out of moral obligation, moral indignation, the laws of logic, or induction, entities that are a part of the lives of all sane, intelligent human beings. Only Christianity as delineated in God’s self-attesting revelation, the Holy Bible, provides the framework in which human experience is intelligible.”

        From the “refutation of the nonsense of atheism” … well he’s nailed it there, yep there’s no way to argue against that!

        • Custador

          To paraphrase Bill Hicks:

          You know somebody that far to the right is hiding a deep, dark secret. When he eventually shoots himself under the Pecan tree out back, his wife will be on Fox News over and over saying “I always wondered about his collection of little shoes…”

        • trj

          Yep. It’s completely impossible to make sense of the world without absolute morals. The laws of logic will collapse. He certainly got us there.

          • Oblio

            True… we are all just empty, mindless, evil-doing skin bags without the leadership, wisdom and grandiosity of that omnipotent Christian God. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! What dreck… I just saw a great poster showing an image of a beatified Jesus with the caption: “Jesus Christ… Santa Claus for Grown-Ups”… perfect.

            I discovered as a 12-year-old that the sham of religion is the best refuge for the weak-minded and weak-willed, those willing to let their lives be co-opted away from themselves for the ridiculous promise of ‘life everlasting’ in heaven. Where I live in Orange County (CA), I am surrounded by the blank-eyed followers of that charlatan Rick Warren… you know, the ones that just coughed up $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS to save his butt. Tax-free income… what a concept! So American!

            Like defense attorney Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy) said in the movie ‘Inherit The Wind’: “The Bible is a book… it’s a good book… but it’s not the ONLY book.”

            • trj

              The only issue I have with that is that I don’t think the Bible is a good book. Sure, there are some good passages dispensing good advice, good ethics, or simply inspired prose, but this can’t change that the bible is also inconsistent and ambiguous, it contains an inordinate amount of clumsy and repetitive prose, has horrible ethics, and portraits God as a petty tyrant.

              As for the ethical/humanitarian parts of the Bible, you can find much better advice in most philosophical texts. All that is left then is the supernatural parts, which I see no reason to believe in.

            • Oblio

              Totally agree… I liken the Bible to a fable, a morality play written by barely-educated Bronze Age theologians for ancient ignoramuses. That’s why I also find it hilarious that so many people want it studied in public schools, but not to allow it to be critically judged as a literary tome… naturally, it would never stand up to criticism.

              A young friend of mine who is studying to be an evangelical pastor had never seen ‘Inherit The Wind’ until I sent him some youtube snippets… it really caused him some anguish because he’d never been exposed to rational questioning of his ‘sacred’ book… in the end, he dismissed the whole notion of the movie as heresy and rejected any intelligent observations from it. Poor lost, deluded soul… but hey, I tried!

              The book (and movie) that really impacted me, that really opened my eyes, was Arthur C. Clark’s “2001: A Space Odyssey”… talk about life-changing! I re-read it last year and have a better understanding now about why it got to me as a kid and allowed me to see life in another way, totally different than my upbringing had dome to that point.