Minister Fakes Own Kidnapping to Fornicate

get-a-brain-moransA minister faked his own kidnapping to hide the fact that he was cheating on his wife. It didn’t work:

A Florida minister [has been] accused of faking his own kidnapping so he could cheat on his wife.

Hillsborough County deputies say Wikler Moran-Mora’s wife received a disturbing text message from him on the night of Aug. 25. He said he had been abducted but he was negotiating with his captors, so she shouldn’t worry or panic. She did both — and called the cops.

Officers launched a full-scale search that included more than a dozen deputies and dogs. While the manhunt was going on, Mrs. Moran-Mora received more texts from her husband telling her the kidnappers were letting him go and he would be home soon.

It wasn’t long before deputies used signals from his cell phone to locate the Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor. They say Moran-Mora, 38, was with another woman and admitted that he’d fabricated the kidnapping story so his wife wouldn’t find out he was spending time with his mistress.

The minister was charged with filing a false police report and released on $500 bail.

I think he should have to pay for all the time and money the police spent looking for him. And of course he better be fired from his church!

(And since his last name has — gasp — “Moran” in it, I can’t help but use this picture once again. This can’t be a coincidence — it is a gift from the gods.)

  • http://progressatallcost.blogspot.com/ markbey

    ” (And since his last name has — gasp — “Moran” in it, I can’t help but use this picture once again. This can’t be a coincidence — it is a gift from the gods.) ”

    mark: There is no god ceptin for the magic coconut, we know this is true because the magic coconut says so and. Also being kidnapped will become a new euphemism for getting a shag outside of your marriage.

  • Jeremy

    He said he had been abducted but he was negotiating with his captors, so she shouldn’t worry or panic.

    I’m not sure he thought his cunning plan all the way through.

    • J. Allen

      He must have forget to use all his cunning.

      • Question-I-thority

        He was thinking about a different kind of cunning.

      • 6uldvnt

        I think he DID use all his cunning. He just doesn’t have enough cunning to get away with it. That is evidedenced by the fact that he’s a Seventh Day Adventist!

        • LRA

          Had he explained himself better, then maybe, as a cunning linguist, he would have gotten away with it!

          :P

  • Roger

    But–but–b-but, Daniel, why are you always posting these stories about one Christian who screws up royally? You’re acting like these guys somehow represent all of Christianity, which they totally don’t! You’re not being fair at all to the good, nice Christians who would never in a million years do anything like this! I’m so concerned! Absolutely concerned!

    There. Now that we’ve gotten the concerning out of the way…what a doofus. He’d better pay back the city for all the manpower spent trying to find his fornicatin’ ass.

    • J. Alves

      Well… considering the number of such cases coming out, specially involving (former?) “moral beacons” of their churches/communities/constituencies, I’m starting to wonder whether these aren’t actually quite representative of Christians, really.

      Sorta kidding. Only sorta.

      • http://brgulker.wordpress.com brgulker

        I don’t know any statistics about affairs, but, divorce rates (which are at least correlated in some way to affairs) are just as high in the American Evangelical church as they are in broader society.

        So, yeah, fail.

    • http://brgulker.wordpress.com brgulker

      I’m guessing that if we tried to prosecute and enforce every single false police report that is filed, we would actually spend more in tax payer dollars in the appeals court than we would generate in revenue for the cities/towns/etc.

      But yeah, what a doofus.

  • bigjohn756

    Five hundred dollars is damn cheap for all that work.
    He won’t be fired from his church because of the biblical admonition…”let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
    Good work remembering the perfect graphic for this story.
    BTW, If I had tried that with either of my wives they wouldn’t have paid any ransom.

    • Sunny Day

      ”let he who is without sin cast the first stone”

      Since sin is a religious concept that I don’t subscribe to, pass the rocks.

  • wintermute

    My brother did something vaguely similar to this, once. Of course, he was 10 at the time, and not a moral authority.

    We were living in a small town in Norway, and had an oil-powered fire. He was home alone, and he wanted to light the fire, but in doing so, he spilled a little oil on the carpet, and when he lit the fire, there were a handful of small circles burnt into the carpet. In order to not get into trouble with our parents, he claimed someone had broken in and threatened to set fire to him if he didn’t tell him where the money was.

    As the police geared up for the juiciest case the town had seen in decades, with dozens of tracker dogs roaming through the house, he got more and more nervous, until he broke down and told the truth.

    From a 10-year-old, this kind of things is understandable. From an adult who earns their living by telling others how to live a moral life? Not so much.

  • Sunny Day

    “Kidnapping” was just a euphemism for the type of entertainment he was currently engaged in. His wife just wasn’t hip enough to understand. Just a simple misunderstanding. Poor Guy.
    :)

    • Question-I-thority

      His best defense is to claim that the word ‘kidnapping’ was meant allegorically. Whilst visiting this fallen woman, he was ‘caught up in the Spirit’.

      • Question-I-thority

        allegorically should be metaphorically.

      • http://progressatallcost.blogspot.com/ markbey

        The flesh is weak!

        • Roger

          Only on the Appalachian Trail!

  • http://www.dailycomicsreview.com/ the_original_xy

    too bad ‘hiking the Appalachian Trail’ was already taken.

  • cypressgreen

    What was he planning to tell his wife when he got home? “Oh, Praise Jesus, honey, I got lucky! They just made me have sex with some woman and buy her dinner on your credit card at a fancy place as ransom. It wasn’t my fault. Could you wash my clothes? And how about some sympathy sex?”

  • Hans

    Shouldn’t they charge the wife with filing a false police report? The guy did nothing more than lie to his wife. He filed no police reports whatsoever. Unless you can be charged with “causing a false police report to be filed.”

    • wintermute

      Yeah, especially as he specifically asks her not to call the police, it’s hard to see how he’s committed any crime at all.

    • Sunny Day

      The wife didn’t file a false report. To the best of her knowledge a felony crime had occurred. Punishing her would be stupid and counterproductive to society as a whole.

      We want conscientious citizens going for help when something horrible has occurred.

      • Hans

        That is true, but the guy didn’t file a false report either: he didn’t file any report at all, so it can’t be a false report.

        • Elemenope

          It is generally a crime to misrepresent to another person that a serious crime is in fact occurring when none is, precisely because of the sort of thing that occurred here. The basic notion is that it is reasonable to assume any person informed that a major crime is occurring will report it to the authorities, regardless of instructions to the contrary. Depends on the jurisdiction, but it is either treated as though the person filed a false report, or is a separate crime.

  • Devysciple

    I think he should have to pay for all the time and money the police spent looking for him.

    If you tried to pull this stunt in good ol’ Germany, paying for the deployment of police forces would probably be your least problem. There would be (almost) no way around it. After that, you still could be charged with several offences of which I do not know the proper English translation.
    Rest assured that in Germany, you either pay way more that 500 quid, or you go straight into the looney bin. Sometimes I am a little glad to be here ;-)

  • VorJack

    Why so down on the poor man? He was only reenacting the downfall of the great evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson.

  • http://proudatheists.wordpress.com/ Mark Pogue

    Another Christian moron. How did think his wife was supposed to react when hearing about his alleged kidnapping…..”Okay, but don’t stay out too late”????

    • jen

      I *think* that she was supposed to a) trust God to fix it, b) trust her husband to do God’s will, and c) obey her husband as God instructs her to….

      Rationally, she did absolutely the right thing. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they eventually divorce and he claims that the divorce was caused not by his actions but by her unChristian failure to properly submit to the will of God and the will of her husband …

  • nelly

    but he was kidnapped! The devil made him do it! ;-)


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