by Lorette C. Luzajic
Part 16 of the Pillars of Faith series
The Demon Test
It was only a matter of time: exorcism, live on television. Bob Larson is The Real Exorcist, making the world a better place by scaring evil spirits away. The program follows a ministry of vinyl burning, anti-rock crusading, expertise on Satanic abuse, cults, and demon possession (just like his friend Mike Warnke from last week.) Demons lurk all around — in earthquakes, in mental illness, and especially in those who criticize his work. Bob is, after all, “Doing What Jesus Did.”
If you’re unaware of the demon haunted world, head to his website where you, too, can take The Demon Test. If you’ve ever been anorexic or depressed, committed immoral acts, abused alcohol, felt anger, been molested, had a phobia, failed to experience trust in a relationship, or had health or financial issues, you’re at risk.
Don’t worry though — forking over enough cash will fix you. Pastor Bob doesn’t even try to disguise his greed. He expects your “gifts” to start at $50, and hopes they’ll start at $500. You can join the church for a minimum of $99 annually, which means you’ll “help lead the End Times revival,” and you’ll be able to minister to friends who are “tormented by demons and the devil.” But to be SURE, it’s best to get the 12-week course, only $2,700.
Porn in the U.S.A.
Pullquote: Teenagers would fornicate to his music, driven by demonic lust. That none of his peers recall anything other than a school band on a church stage is simply the devil’s work on public memory.
Bob was born in ’44 in Nebraska. What happened next, no one really knows. Apparently he was a guitarist in a mega hit rock band, and that’s how he learned firsthand about the voodoo conspiracy the African drumbeat held for our souls. Teenagers would fornicate to his music, driven by demonic lust. That none of his peers recall anything other than a school band on a church stage is simply the devil’s work on public memory. Bob also left a promising future in medicine when called to the ministry, but no one can unearth any evidence of said intention or of med school. It seems he was a college dropout.
Bob started writing about rock’s Satanic lyrics, including the pervasive lust in “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles, and the sinister “Hotel California,” which of course meant Hell. But this was just not salacious enough, and by the mid-80s, he moved on to what has been called Christian Porn. Ever more explicit than lusty staples like Juggs or Penthouse, Dead Air and sequels detailed naughty wonders like eating and puking up a live cat, or being sewn up inside a dead horse. Allegedly, they are the true story of ritual Satanism, as much a staple of the ‘80s as shoulder pads and Boy George.
Scandal and controversy has plagued Bob for most of his career, and debunkers have been hot on his trail for some 20 years. Former employees speak out, and actors exorcised repeatedly from town to town have long been exposed. Tax audit problems drove some of Bob’s bookkeeping here into Canada. And while he earns millions per year, he sees no shame in claiming the church is on the verge of closing.
It’s Just That Old Black Magic
Pullquote: Bob has said in all seriousness that many demons have “impersonated” him, which is the most creative not guilty plea I’ve ever heard.
But worst of all is Bob’s racism. Curses and possessions are usually from African or Native Indian ancestry. Satan binds natives who haven’t forgiven the white man. Natives who haven’t renounced their family ceremonies and rites are portals of Baphomet. At one seminar, wrote reporter John Cody, Bob blatantly blamed a teen sex offender’s “demons” on his race. “Surprise, surprise, we find out that the mother was of Cree Indian origin.”
That same day, Cody writes, another man’s demons were blamed on his ancestral treatment of the poor white man. “You need to say, ‘I, Joe, on behalf of my ancestors, ask forgiveness for our slaughter of the innocent white, especially the babies, whose heads we dashed against rocks. I renounce my native blood!’”
Everything else evil originated in Africa, so just being black puts you at risk.
There’s no reason to shy away from bad publicity. Bob blames Beelzebub. Bob has said in all seriousness that many demons have “impersonated” him, which is the most creative not guilty plea I’ve ever heard.
An irrelevant, but interesting aside: in addition to an opulent lifestyle surrounded by real estate, paintings, porcelain, carvings, and ivory, a 1990 finance affidavit noted that Bob was the proud owner of $8,000 worth of taxidermy.
Lorette C. Luzajic writes about all kinds of interesting people at Fascinating People.
I believe him. I am currently being impersonated by a demon with a shitty job and a truckload of student loans.
Can one demon impersonate two people? ‘Cause what you just described sounded eerily familiar. …
All religion can be summarised as follows: There IS something wrong with you, but don’t worry, we – and only we – can save you, and forgive you. If you’d just like to make a donation…
All religions do that. Pay us so we can continue to tell you what is wrong with you, according to us, and then forgive you of the crime / sins that only we are accusing you of, even though they make absolutely no sense what so ever.
I think I have a copy of Dead Air around somewhere, someone gave it to me as a Christmas present when I was a teenager. I was reminded of it, with it’s OTT descriptions of Satanic practices, after last week’s piece on Mike Warnke. Perhaps people like Warnke and Larson should just be told it’s not sinful to go out and watch zombie movies. If they went and saw one once in a while maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to inflict bad christianised horror on other people.
Jeez, these are the guys who make me believe that *some* missionaries were just colonialists- with bibles.
I’ve met this guy. Seriously, I met him when he was at my parents’ church.
Top that!
Oh yeah? I met the demon who was impersonating him! His name was George.
Top that!
I cast out the demon who was impersonating him! HA!! Unbeatable.
I ate the pig you cast him into! So George is now impersonating me!
brgulker & Daniel Florian – you guys are FUNNY!
And I CAN top ALL OF that! … just not as succinctly as you did :-)
- TRUE STORY!!
Decades ago, when Bob Larson was doing a tour for his “new” book, “Hell on Earth”, I was part of the team that transported him to various churches on many islands in the Caribbean.
He’d get in front of a congregation & tell his stories like the one of how he courageously cast the demon that killed Janis Joplin out of someone (not to mention the gruesome story the “demon” told him about how it forced Janis Joplin to disfigure her face before finally taking her life – details that were too gruesome for even the media to release – so I guess you could say that Satan gave Bob the “exclusive” story on that)… and he made it sound like HE was the one in control of the conversation … the demon … everything.
In retrospect – I’d surmise that Bob was riding on the wave of popularity of the film, “The Exorcist” – released in 1973 – a few years before I met Bob – and after reading some of his current media blurbs, it sounds like he still is.
Anyone religious or superstitious or gullible or ignorant who had seen the film & heard Bob speak of his many experiences casting out Satan, probably thought Bob Larson was the most powerful & fearless man on earth.
Anyway, Bob was human (humanoid?)- and he needed to go to the bathroom, so we cut through some jungle & brought him to the one room school house near the tiny church on whatever island we were on (Tortola?). The one-seater bathroom door was propped open with a huge flagstone, which “The Big Guy” (6’6 tall / 250 lb / sz 13 shoe) on our team moved away from the door so Bob could close the bathroom door behind him.
As soon as the bathroom door closed, the women & children in the room screamed & jumped up on the tiny school desks & Bob yelled from inside the bathroom “what’s going on?”.
Hiding behind the open bathroom door was a HUGE tarantula – which, after being disturbed – began slowly lumbering across the floor along the wall towards the closed bathroom door.
The Big Guy calmly responded to Bob & said, “There’s a gigantic tarantula right outside the bathroom door” … Bob Larson SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL & refused to come out of the bathroom & ordered the Big Guy to kill it because Bob was DEATHLY AFRAID OF SPIDERS!
Even at my young age back then, I knew that a guy who was scared to death of spiders was NOT someone who could seek & destroy murderous demons.
I mean, what self-respecting demon – or even an evil troll – would be afraid of a red-headed guy with a bouffant comb-over who is afraid of spiders?
But his audience back then were religious, superstitious, impoverished, uneducated islanders. Scaring them into giving Bob their money was like shooting fish in a barrel.
It gets better. Bob was afraid of flying, too. In the Caribbean, Bob was shuttled around in a private plane. He didn’t seem to feel any compunction about living in luxury in the midst of poverty, but he DEFINITELY had a visceral reaction to flying.
Before boarding the plane, he & his wife had to guzzle a bunch of prescription pills… why am I thinking he downed them with a Bloody Mary? Probably because that would really mess up his score on his Demon Test.
For anyone who cares to know how the tarantula story ended, The Big Guy took his BIG & HEAVY size 13 shoe (remember men’s platform shoes in the 1970′s?) & raised it up over his head & threw it down – platform heel first – on the tarantula – and the Big Guy jumped back (and I think he first told everyone else to move away). He said that tarantulas can jump 5 or 6 feet & their bite can be deadly poisonous.
In fact, I think he was narrating ALOUD everything that was happening – like a sportscaster does a play by play. Either he seriously believed that Bob needed to know everything that was happening – or he was seriously messing with Bob’s head.
As the BIG shoe hit the cement slab with a loud bang, Bob yelled “Is it dead?” (which begs the question, “Is he better able to handle the evil spirits of spiders than their menacing physical forms?”)
Within moments, he heard his answer – women & children screamed & jumped back up on the desks. We all watched the BIG shoe wobble & flip over & the tarantula again started to lumber away – slowly – maybe a bit dazed & confused – and probably with a helluva headache.
Hearing the commotion – and still barricaded inside the bathroom- Bob grabbed the door knob & made sure that the door stayed closed. “What’s happening?? What’s happening?”
(Another side comment: note that while Bob was hearing & responding (with fear) to the screams of the women & children, his ONLY concern was for his own safety! … Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza is at a kids party & someone yells “fire!” & George tramples over the women & children & knocks over the old lady in the wheelchair so he can get out the door first …)
The Big Guy slowly reached down & picked up the large flagstone & starting with it as high above his head as he could reach, he slammed it down on the poor tarantula & the flagstone shattered into pieces. We could see in the rubble -the tarantula was on its back – bunched up in a big, hairy ball – about the size of the Big Guy’s fist. It wasn’t moving.
I think that the Big Guy was still narrating all this – play by play. Maybe he was having fun with Bob – who still refused to come out of the bathroom – maybe he wanted to see if he could get Bob to pee in his pants – but by that point, Bob had monopolized the one & only bathroom for too long – other people needed to use the facilities.
It took some coaxing – and a few kids whining for Bob to come out because they needed to go to the bathroom – and eventually, Bob gingerly opened the bathroom door – just enough to peek the top of his head out & see if the spider was dead – which the Big Guy pointed it out to him.
Without taking his eye off the spider carcass, Bob opened the bathroom door just enough to back himself out of the bathroom (the kids had to squeeze past him to get in the bathroom) – and Bob backed all the way out of the school room – and once he was far enough away, he acted like he never lost his cool – said something like, “he sure was a big one” … (not that he dared get close enough to actually SEE it) – and he ran out of there like his pants were on fire.
Up until a few hours ago when I saw Bob Larson’s name on the internet, I’d forgotten all about him. I NEVER thought he’d still be doing this stuff – and making millions of dollars …
And then I found this board – it’s great to see how much fun people are still having making fun of him…. which reminds me of another funny story about him … I’ll save it for next time.
*grabs popcorn* Got to love a classic story :D
“Without a financial miracle, within 30 days, our ministry, as you have known it, may no longer exist. I have never written you a letter like this, so please take it seriously.”
The classic money grab from his web site!
Taking potshots at some of these idiots is too much like painting targets around our bullet holes. Can’t really miss as long as you squeeze the trigger. Fortunately, not even many Christians take this guy seriously.
Hey yall, I scored a 13 on his demon test. I’m “at low risk for demon oppression/possession.” Maybe demons don’t want to live inside me because I’m not full of bullshit for them to feed on.
And for $199 a year, you too can become an exorcist, just like Bob!
Only in America! In Britain he’d be in gaol for inciting racial hatred. I’m completely serious.
13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?
Damn. That must be it.
There was that one time I really wanted to play guitar well, and Satan appeared to me…
Should have gone with Fiddle.
8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?
20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?
Guess that proves it, the economy is Satan’s fault. Or Santa’s if you are you dyslexic. Guess we were all demonized now.
I liked number 20. Apparently going to university automatically puts you at risk of demonic possession. Good thing I’m almost out!
And what if I don’t need voices to tell me to blaspheme god and indulge in immoral acts (#12)?
Well dip me in chololate and call me a sudae, I scored a big fat 4 on his little test.
Which to me seems very odd, being the, “in your face, show me the evidence, and don’t feed me any platitude bullshit” kind of atheist I am.
He, of course I had to try for maximum score in the Demon Test®. Here’s the result:
“Your test score is 49. You are at high risk for demonic oppression/possession. … Congratulations and thank you for responding to this life-changing test.”
Congratulations, demon!
Apparently he was a guitarist in a mega hit rock band, and that’s how he learned firsthand about the voodoo conspiracy the African drumbeat held for our souls. Teenagers would fornicate to his music, driven by demonic lust.
This guy give himself way to much credit. Teenagers would fornicate to clesmer music or christian rock or muzak if you just give them the chance.
“show a 15 year old a condom, his thoughts will turn to lust.”
“I’ve been 15, you show them a lug wrench, their thoughts will turn to lust!”
Classic.
Seriously — like teens never fornicated to classical music.
It even happens in movies.
Yes, they do. Try “Bolero” by Maurice Ravel.
Dam this. Can anyone top that kind of ignorance?
I’m sure John C could, if he had a TV show.
Don’t even think about it …
Wow, I had never heard of this guy. Now I just want to give him a nut crunching wedgie.
I guess I’m possessed.
Also, I would totally sell my soul to Satan for superpowers.
Or a really cool car.
Sell your soul to Satan for immortality, so he can never collect.
I’ve thought of that… but wouldn’t that just make you his eternal servant? He could push you around, make you carry out his bidding and whatnot?
Though, that too might be kinda cool… oh wait, that’s pretty much the setup for the show Reaper, isn’t it?
Ty – I almost lost it when I read that … a nut crunching wedgie might just squeeze the demons right out of his ass!
…. and to everyone who did the Demon Test … did anyone actually PAY to do it?
Making people pay to do a stupid test (that took him 30 years to make up!??) seems like a good way to make sure that the people he attracts to him ARE mentally ill … especially when the Demon Test page tells you to pay now, but doesn’t even say how much it costs … is that even legal?
Taking advantage of the mentally challenged … I was going to say “shame on him” … but then I thought “like attracts like” … so that must make it OK…
John C TV? Has a certain ring to it eh? All the best to my unbelieving friends today!! :)
I used to listen to this clown back in high school. No, I didn’t believe any of his garbage, I just thought it was funny and pathetic. A few years ago I saw an expose on him where a guy went in with a hidden camera and faked having a “demon” that he needed exorcised, complete with head rolling and snarling and spouting gibberish. Later when asked, Larson claimed that that guy only THOUGHT he was pretending, and that it actually was a demon that made him do it, which Larson of course got rid of for real.
I always wanted to go to one of his scam-sessions and do the same thing… only instead of playing into the standard raving hell-beast and then be “freed”, I’d go up pathetically and beg for help, then when the “exorcism” started, I’d suddenly straighten up and adopt an arrogant Alan Rickman~esque English accent. “Really Bob… you don’t honestly think your pathetic parlour tricks will work on ME do you? Oh please. I’m not done with this little one yet, mwah-ha-ha-ha-hah”. Then calmly stride down the aisle and out of the tent.
Of course, that would just reinforce people’s beliefs that demons exist; as an ethical skeptic, it would go against my goal of bringing the light of critical thinking and rational thought to the world.
I still think my plan of giving him a falsetto inducing wedgie would be best.
I’m not a big fan of gore or horror movies…except, for some starnge, probably pathetic reason, the Hellraiser movies. I loved the scene in which Pinhead boldly strides into a cathedral and start ‘sploding everything.
The priest holds up a crucifix and says “How dare you!”
“Thou shall not bow down before graven images,” Pinhead intones sonorously.
At the end, in response to the priest’s “You’ll burn for this”
Pinhead chortles: “Burn…such a limited imagination.” then does one of the sickest parodies of the Eucharist I have ever seen.
I will lock up my 14 year old boy again, snow. Thanks for listening. :)
My evaluation resulted in this:
So, of course, I ordered all of the DVDs to save myself. Now, I have to sell my car to pay for them.
I took the test. I got zero. Does that mean I failed?
And I still got offered the “Do You Have a Demon” teaching DVD. SEVEN HOURS of this used bike oil. After seven hours, I’d be praying for a demon to put me out of his misery. And the 500 page spiritual warfare book. And then another 575 pages of world religions and alternative spirituality. At least you can whack any demons pretty good with a 500 page book. And then lecture them on alternative spirituality. Want to see a demon cry?
q22: Have you ever taken part in a Demon Test?
As a long time watcher of Bob Larson, I think I should clarify some things here. Bob CLAIMED since the late sixties he was a budding rock star before he ” got saved” but the survivor of his band told the truth, that his band was one of those many failed garage type bands. And yes Larson has shown racism in his exorcisms and when he had his radio show ” Talk Back with Bob Larson”, in particular against Native Americans. I mentioned some of that in my Livejournal blog entries. I have more examples from his radio show written in my log books. Also there are a few audio and video files on Youtube by the self-described ” Paranormal Preacher” where he interviews two women from Larson’s failed TV ” reality” series ” The Real Exorcist”. Darrel Gene Motal has a few funny mockings of Bob, including the one where Larson ” exorcises” Spiderman.
As for his ” demon test”, it is geared specifically to get mentally ill people to think they are possessed by demons and run to Larson for ” help”. And the article here just covered the scummy surface of what is Bobbie E. Larson. After all, one of his board members was caught shoplifting condoms and many of the books bearing Larson’s name are in fact written by his staff, not by Larson himself. Not to mention his rather strong aversion to drag queens and homosexuality while at the same time he focuses on the penis a bit too much for a supposedly straight man. Like his claim all demons are ” masculine” spirits and in his exorcisms he uses the Bible to cut the demon penises off. I wish I was exaggerating that.
Bobbie E.Larson is a fraud and huckster.
I went to a paranormal conference about a year ago and heard a priest speak on exorcism. His name was Father Jack Ashcraft. Anyways..he used to know Larson and when I asked about him he told me to stay away from the guy. He was interesting as heck to listen to and he has a blog too.
http://ancientchristian.blogspot.com