Jesus Died For Your Donuts

I have no idea how someone could watch something like this without seeing how ridiculous it is. I think I would rather believe the producers and actors were laughing all the way to the bank, rather than the alternative…

I feel bad for the kids who are forced to watch crap like this all day.

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  • Custador

    I’ll see you that funny video and raise you:

    Rainbow was the seminal kids’ show of my generation, and when they were cancelled, they decided to make this, their last ever episode, as a final “phuk-joooooo!” to ITV. I don’t think it ever aired, but it is absolutely hillarious :D

    • James

      That was awesome! Thank you for the giggling fit I just had to explain to my coworkers.

      • Custador

        Did you play with your twanger, or did you have to ask if you could play with somebody else’s? Kekekekeke :D

        • arrakis

          I totally forgot about that one…now I’ve twice spat out my drink because of this post.

          • puck

            I played with my twanger and someone else’s twanger. They had a big twanger, it was a great joy to play it. lol

            • Anne

              that was just great. Made my morning. Amazingly creative use of word play.

  • Offred

    The comments on You Tube are pretty good too.

  • mahousniper

    I like how the kids all wear labels for exactly what kind of people think this is a good program.

    • Lucy

      i know!

    • Zered

      I’m glad someone picked up on that!

  • Roger

    One minute and eleven seconds. That was all I could take. “The Bible says that we used to belong to the Devil. But God wanted us back.” Are you kidding me? Where the FRAK did the Bible ever say that? What retarded nonsense.

    • Custador

      That’s almost exactly where I had to stop it, too :)

      • amalia

        me too. You either have to laugh about it or cry because they’re doing this to children. Reminds me of what Dawkins says in ‘the god delusion’ about children being indoctrinated this or any other way.

    • Travis

      I’m going off memory now, so someone else may need to fill in some gaps in my knowlege here but I’ll give it a shot. As I understand it, supposedly when Adam and Eve ate the magic No-no fruit, and God got all mad at them, Satan somehow got control over the keys to the kingdom, The earth kingdom. Some christians believe thats what jesus did when he was dead for those 3 days, was going to get the keys back, and also preaching to all the people who died before God mercifully sent Jesus to let them be saved from hell, they were in some sort of limbo paradisey place that was hell adjacent.

      If I understand further, this sort of limbo place Jesus preached at was later tossed into hell when God was done with it because there were too many God damn’d sinners and he hadn’t allocated enough room for all there filthy souls. At the very least I know that god does expand hell at one point in scripture, I don’t know if it says how God did it though, but either way you’d think a perfect god could at least build hell big enough to accomadate all the people he already knows are being sent there.

      • Roger

        I am so using “the magic No-no fruit” from now on.

      • Mogg

        I think it depends what kind of church you went to. I thought Limbo was something only the Catholics believed in. I sure don’t remember anything about God expanding Hell in Scripture.

        • Reginald Selkirk

          I thought Limbo was something only the Catholics believed in.

          The Catholics are now officially unsure about Limbo.

          • Mogg

            Ahh, it says there that Limbo was a medieval idea – although it does sound similar to the Old Testament’s all-purpose world of the dead, Sheol.

        • Travis

          I could be remembering wrong but I’m pretty sure I read something about god having to increase the size of hell because of how awful we were. Maybe in revalations or something…

          As for the limbo, my church always reffered to it as paradise to avoid looking like they were stealing from catholisism. Plus thats where old testament people went, and obviously they couldn’t go to heaven because you can only get there by jesus. Lets just leave it at religions are weird and come up with stupid stuff to try and prop up a poorly written book.

          • Roger

            One would think that the omniscient deity who exists outside of our space-time continuum wouldn’t have to increase the size of Hell, as he would have created it to the proper dimensions in the first place.

            But then again, we are talking about a deity whose lack of clarity and specificity has led to the creation of at least three religions that all claim to follow him, not to mention the couple of times (at least!) he wanted to or did destroy humanity and start over again.

            • Mogg

              It reminds me of that urban legend about the chemistry student’s answer to an exam paper on whether Hell is exothermic or endothermic, variations of which can be found at snopes:

  • Rebecca

    I honestly don’t know how I sat through that……I almost stopped it but then thought I might get another laugh. The ONLY place I laughed was when the kids answered what god’s special money was: BLOOD!

    LMAO it brings all new meaning to the term “blood money”

    What kind of teaching is that? We’re “bought” with “blood”???? oy.

    • Reginald Selkirk

      The ONLY place I laughed was when the kids answered what god’s special money was: BLOOD!

      I thought it was very odd that the children laughed at that same point.

      • Roger

        Those are some sick little bastards.

        • puck

          Cuz there is no problem with when it comes time to pay the bills to offer up your sons blood. Your knife or mine??

  • billybee

    They should have showed how hell is like the 900 degree doghnut fryer !!

    “Hey kids!, stick your hand in here and experience what “bad people” have to look forward to!!”
    This is FUN, huh? …he ..he…he…haw..haw…haw…hummmm…

  • George

    “He shed his blood for us!”

  • Travis

    Boo bring back Superbook! does anyone else remember that cartoon series? When I was 5 I thought that show was the best thing ever. That and The Flying House, which I always had thought was the same show but they were just really closely developed.

    I remember as a kid being kinda dissapointed that the bible doesn’t ever mention ANY of these time traveling kids or there kickbutt robot companions. They helped out at every bible story and still don’t get no respect.

  • the_original_xy

    1:32 was all i could stand

  • Ty

    Man, I’d kill Jesus for a good donut right now.

    • zack

      lol nice.

    • rodneyAnonymous

      My favorite Futurama line: I feel like I got mauled by Jesus.

  • Silky J

    So Bob Villa is Jesus?

  • sup

    Was it just me or were those doughnuts speaking in tongues?

  • Alexis

    So,if god wants his people to see his message clearly, why do some need glasses. Wouldn’t god give his favored flock 20/20 eye sight?

  • zack

    Holy shit wtf was that. Disturbing. That girl on the right doesn’t look all there. Man religious programs come up with some of the most disturbing and warped shows….. it’s just creepy. And to think they shovel this crap to their kids all day.

  • Tucker Wright

    Just for my own amusement, I had my 5 yr old watch this. He seriously sat there with WTF face during the entire thing. He seemed rather disturbed by the talking lump of bread or whatever and asked me to turn it off. Smart kid.

  • Olaf

    Actually this is a very nice video. Also you have to think within the context of a child this is very effective and in my eyes not even brainwashing. It is just a happy message about love and to make the children feel good. Just like a fairytale bed time story about a magic fairy that does nice things. You could easliy replace God with some other fictive character like sainta clause and it would be as happy as this.

    As an atheist I would probably also sing this song with my children with teh difference that I know that it is just a fairy tale.

  • Krysta

    I had this on VHS. I used to watch it. A lot.
    Is it any wonder that I’m now an agnostic, feminist, metal music-loving Goth?

    • Ty

      “I’m now an agnostic, feminist, metal music-loving Goth?”


      • I dont collect stamps

        I think you mean Hawt.

        • Ty

          I’m too old for LOL speak.

          • GeekGirl

            No such thing!

  • Aaron

    wait, did i just hear “God is a tool we cannot see”?

    • Ty

      There’s a penis joke hiding in that somewhere.

  • Mark D

    There is a cable station called “Smile of the Child” (owned by TBN) they show this type of crap 24/7.

  • Lowrack

    That was worse than any nightmare I’ve ever had. I couldn’t help, but feel the urge to find the a-hole who starred in that and beat him to within an inch of his life. They’re feeding this shite to children…

  • erichamby

    OMG the donut man. i havent seen this guy in ages… since i was forced to watch it has a kid haha.

  • t m

    Oh my goodness! I remember watching these also!
    I loved them… and it’s so scary to me that when I watch this now…. well, it isn’t that scary. :(

    I guess that’s why they call it brainwashing, kids!

  • Brian

    “god’s special money = jesus’ blood”

    What’s the christian obsession with blood?

  • Icanread

    As soon as I saw the title of this post I was hoping it would be the donut repair club. I used to have a VHS of a live show they did. I bet I still have it somewhere…

  • Yoav

    Religion is like doughnuts look all nice and sugar coated but if you eat too much of it you’ll end up dead from a heart attack.

  • The Big Blue Frog

    Blood! Always with the blood! There’s a Pentecostal Church around the corner from where I work, that has a fountain in front, underneath a big, white cross, lit with red spotlights. It is a big, gory fountain of blood. There’s not a single reference in the whole of Christian scripture to blood doing what it’s supposed to do: flowing through our veins and providing our bodies with sustenance. If they’re not buying something with it, they’re spilling it or drinking it. Get over the blood already!

  • Alexis

    My nephew and niece were into “Veggie Tales”. I could never force myself to view them. Is Donuts more or less bizarre than Veggies?

  • GeekGirl

    *does the Corinthians hoe-down*

  • Tilly

    Halloween, 1995. My mom told me we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating and instead we had to go see the donut man. THIS GUY!! Talk about repressed childhood memories flooding back to me…

  • AnonyMouse

    Okay, let me see if I’ve got this right: the Devil owns everyone by default, but Jesus wants to buy us back, so he offered himself as a sacrifice to pay for our return.

    OH MY GOSH. This is actually starting to make sense!

    The sacrifice wasn’t to God. It was to the Devil. The Devil had a grip on human souls, so Jesus agreed to an exchange: he would travel to Hell and be tormented for three days. In exchange, the human souls (who just aren’t as much fun to play with as Jesus) would be spared. There was one caveat, however: the humans had to ask to be spared. What happened afterward was basically a cosmic chess game between Jesus and the Devil – Jesus trying to persuade humans to accept the exchange, Satan trying to convince them that they didn’t need to.

    God is all-powerful and created the world and all that, but since he is eternal and unchanging and yadda he doesn’t really care what happens to the people of Earth. He just mediates to make sure that nobody cheats. Coming to Earth to talk to humans directly would qualify as cheating, which is why no one has actually seen Jesus in thousands of years – the rules stipulated that he only had a few years in which to get the message out.

    The idea is that once Christianity reaches a certain level of establishment, it becomes the Devil’s turn to run a recruitment drive. Since the odds are already stacked in his favor, though, he’s only allowed about four years to do it. After this point Jesus will return, they’ll duke it out over the last few souls, and then the Devil will be sent back to Hell to enjoy his prize while the ones Jesus managed to save will live on Earth.

    It’s too bad this is completely sacrilegious, because I could actually see myself believing a premise like this.

  • DBN

    I wasn’t sure I could make it through the whole thing. I wanted to puke several times out of confusion and dizziness. The donuts on hard-hats: whaaaa??? Got a lot of laughs out from ya’all’s comments though.

  • etrine

    I grew up with this stuff!
    My parents used to take me to his concerts!
    The Donut Man!
    He used to give out free donuts at concerts!
    It’s really funny watching this stuff now 20 years later

    • Roger

      Wait. This dude had concerts???

  • digsclarity

    I must not be smarter then a fith grader, I just don’t get it. Hammers, saws, great big pearl, donuts, ho down, devil, blood, corinthians, scary pervy looking guy ……. Was there a lesson in there somewhere?