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It’s a tough decision to choose from all those religions. Thankfully, Holy Taco came up with a simplified flowchart to help people through this tough decision:
I DO F*cking LOVE Hummus…especially the garlic kind. Does being Muslim mean free hummus?
Mmmm. Bacon. Any religion without bacon simply won’t work for me…
I F*cking love bacon hummus, but I don’t wanna worship any gods. It’s a difficult situation.
Fun! I love this. :D Brilliant. I’m slightly insane but dirt poor … Managed to get me out of Scientology. Phew.
technically buddhism does not have any deities.
daoism is also a pretty nice choice if you are not particularly interested in worshiping anything.
That was my last stop on the spirituality train before hopping off.
As much as I try to wrap my head around it (now that I’m an outsider) I can’t understand how Christians get away calling themselves Monotheistic.
I mean, Jesus and God do lots of shit to prove they’re different people. Jesus prays to God (it seems silly to ask yourself for stuff). He asks God whe he has forsaken him (you’d think he’d know). And so on.
Then there’s the holy spirit and all the angels. Which are supposedly supernatural beings, or whatever. And don’t forget Satan.
I mean, come on, by any definition, these are ‘gods.’ Maybe the angels and Jesus are demigods, but Satan sure is a god. He’s the bad god.
It’s really schizo.
Someone somewhere made up a rule that Jesus, god and the Holy Spirit (which I’d always thought of as a blanket term for anything churchy that wasn’t god or Jesus) had to be the same thing..because otherwise we couldn’t worship them all. The first commandment says so. But what’s funny about the first commandment is that it never says there aren’t any other gods….just that you can’t worship them before Yahweh (/jesus/ghost). So its ok to recognize angels and Satan and saints performing miracles, as only gods or demi gods should be able to, as long as you give props to the big guy first. Because he’s….got self esteem issues or something.
They eventually came up with this excuse: Godness is the “substance” of which Yahweh, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are made. This “substance” is God, and those three faces are merely faces, facets, of God—not separate entities.
As to how Jesus and Yahweh can behave like they’re different entities… well, God’s a bit forgetful. He makes rainbows as a reminder to himself not to smite humankind. Every now and then he wants to, but then he sees a rainbow and goes “Oh yeah, I promised I wouldn’t do that again.” He needs the reminder.
Apparently that rainbow wasn’t good enough for remembering the people of Indonesia.
Eh. As I understand it, he just promised not to (try to?) wipe out Humankind by Flood again. Smiting is still okay, I think there’s a verse in there that tells us next time is Fire (would Nuclear War count? I think yes.). The tragedy in Indonesia doesn’t come into it because of Indonesia not being the entire world/race of Humankind. Besides which one could argue that was a naturally recurring event, not the Smiting Hand of God.
This ridiculous “tri-unity” concept that Christians use to try and pass off their religion as monotheistic strikes me as no different from the concept that Brahma is all of the gods and vice versa in Hinduism, an unabashedly polytheistic religion.
I kinda sorta see how the “trinity” idea (which was made up by people other than the ones who made up the Bible) gets most Christians out of the polytheism label, but what about Catholics? They totally worship Mary, and arguably worship saints. What the hell.
The cult of saints (as it’s apparently called) has always been a very strange idea to me. It did grow up out of regions where polytheism was culturally prominent before Catholicism, so I’m given to understand that had something to do with it.
The official line is that they do not worship Mary or the other saints but rather they pray to her and to them so that she or they will put in a good word with God on their behalf. How this is supposed to square with the stuff in Hebrews stuff about Jesus being the only high priest/intercessor necessary now is beyond my knowledge.
I think they just like trying to make friends with god’s family and friends. It’s like, they know god’s probably busy, so they’ll call on St. ? and talk his ear off for a while. They’re just lonely. I mean loony. Both, really. What’s that one that you bury upside-down in the front yard to sell your house? LOONY. It’s sort of desperate to figure out that god’s not listening but he’s sent a team of specialists out to your area, one of them will sell your house if you follow the ritual on the package, and whoever made that up is sitting on a pile of cash. Wish I could think of something like that, that’s my dream in life.
Veneration vs. Worship: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catholic_devotions#Veneration_vs._worship
This is hilarious! I especially like the “Are you an especially annoying person?” question. For some reason, that just really tickles my funny bone. Maybe it’s the extensive conversations I had with a nice Jehovah’s Witness over the phone as we both tried to convert the other…before I decided, “F*ck it. We were both wrong!”
Being extremely annoying is something I find shared by all religion. Any Fundie I have met so far regardless of their religion had that smug I’m better then you attitude that make you want to take the holy book of their choice and shove it up their A*s
Really clever! I enjoyed this, thanks!
What is the deal with the magical underwear? I’ve been hearing about that a lot lately.
I also noticed that Buddhism is misfiled. I propose that it be moved to None/Not Rich and Insane and a further subdividing question could be “Do you think it’s important to be ‘spiritual’?” NO-> Atheist, YES-> Buddhist
Hm, but then you lose the takeout joke…
I disagree that Buddhism is Not Insane.
Agreed. My Buddhist boss once insinuated to me that Africa was a place for souls charmically deserving of a shittier life.
Yeah. After “How many gods do you worship?” –> “None,” the chart should ask “Are you insane?” “No” leads to Atheism, while “Yes” leads to the question “Are you rich?” “No” leads to Buddhism while “Yes” leads to Scientology.
That would be a more reasonable classification.
And you could rescue the “takeout” joke by changing the question to “Do you like Indian or Japanese take-out?” And have the answer “Indian” still leading to Hinduism while “Japanese” leads to Shinto. Or something like that.
Buddhism is really difficult to classify because there are so many different teachings… personally I don’t consider it a religion, more of a way of life following the teachings of a wise person who achieved enlightenment. Of course people’s accounts differ.
I think it’s safe to say that most Buddhists do not worship any god though, unless in places where it’s been influenced by Taoist or Hindu cultures.
I confess… I like this chart.
I wish there was one about denominations of Christianity. That’d be fun.
If there were a flowchart for Christian denominations, you’d probably be a Catholic.
You could always make one, JonJon.
I’m a Jew who worships one G-d, doesn’t eat bacon, but eats hummus like the rest of the Jews around here. Why on earth do you think the Muslims have cornered the hummus market? It’s middle-eastern yes, but not Muslim!
Why aren’t you eating latkes and brisket like you’re supposed to?
One God, many gods, no god, who gives a rat’s ass?
As long as you refrain from putting your boot on my neck, or voting for someone to do it for you, we are brothers.
BTW, I am a christian. Who likes hummus. And bacon, but it gives me agita, so I eat turkey bacon. Which also gives me agita. Life is hard.
I didn’t know you get agita from food.
I guess I’ve only heard the second definition. I get that a lot. At least I still can eat bacon.
I knew my love for hummus brought out my inner muslim. :P
There is no box for agnostics. The question should be something like “Do you give a sh*t?” and No should point to agnostics.
Apathetic Agnostics – We could be bigger than Scientology… if only we weren’t so darned apathetic.
Bradley mentioned that technically Buddhism ‘does not have any deities’. Well, that does seem to have been Buddha’s premise way back when, and according to most reports he insisted that he was nothing more than a normal human being. His only big trick was having discovered the benefits of meditation.
However, after having lived in Thailand for more than a decade, with side trips to surrounding predominately Buddhist countries, I’ve noticed that he gets as much attention and adulation as any of the world’s many ‘gods’. People just seem to have a penchant for wanting to worship a ‘deity’. [But at least Buddha isn't all bloody and hanging from a couple of pieces of wood....]
Even if he was a regular person, Buddhists treat him like a god. It’s those little altars with the candles and the plate of fruit. It’s the little figures of Buddha.
Go to any interior decorating website or blog and see what happens when they feature someone’s home with a Buddha statue – I saw one once placed in a shoe closet. If he’s not a god, what’s the big deal about buying his statue for no good reason, ’cause it’s “neat”, and using it for decoration? I’m not sure whether Buddhists have a “no false idols” ideal, but that sort of seems to me that symbols have NO power, and shouldn’t worry if someone “misuses” them, and shouldn’t worship the tangible idol in their own homes of faith. If you really believe god is the true god and follow scripture, or Buddha is something of a god, he’s not that little piece of wood or stone shaped like something, so stop telling other people they’re doing something wrong. Especially Buddhists, I thought they were not so materialistic. Christians tend to be more materialistic than they’re supposed to be too, but at least I’m used to the hypocrisy.
I love this chart. For people who are still “searching” but don’t have the time or desire to read through all those crazy religious texts, this could really simplify the process for them.
em todo o mundo pessoas buscam conhecer melhor as coisas de deus,se preocupam com o destino de suas almas na eternidade,mais as centenas de doutrinas,religiões e ensinamentos cofundem,enganam a milhões em todas as nações do mundo, eu era um desses,até que um dia tive minha mente exclarecida em uma passagem biblica que diz:I TIMÓTEO 2:5,óra se jesus é o mediador eu não preciso de intermediários entre mim e deus, pra saber o que é melhor pra minha alma e pra minha vida nessa terra,qual será a religião pura para deus?TIAGO 1:27,como e de quem devo aprender, sem medo de um dia ser reprovado?MATEUS 11:29,comecei a falar diretamente em oração com jesus, pedi o que diz em:TIAGO 1:5,e de maneira sobrenatural veio o conhecimento,que é muito diferente desse ensinado por muitas religiões no mundo,e essa é a maneira de que todo ser humano deve fazer,não existe religião verdadeira,pura ou santa, a igreja que jesus se refere não é essa ou aquela,mas um povo que faz o que ele ensinou independente de qualquer coisa.as pessoas esquecem que não basta ler ou estudar a biblia, mas examina-la como diz em:JOÃO 5:39,infelizmente, a biblia desde o original já passou por mãos de muitos homens que traduzem e até mudam seu original,acrecentando,tirando o conteúdo para suas próprias desgraças:APOCALIPSE 22:18,19,por isso jesus sabendo que aconteceria, disse:JOÃO 16:8,que o espirito é que convenceria do que é pecado,convenceria de toda a palavra,e da prestação de contas que teremos de dar, quer queira quer não:HEBREUS 9:27 e ECLESIASTES 3:15,quando alguem examina a biblia,mas antes invoca o espirito santo para lhe convencer da verdade, isso acontece como aconteceu comigo.como saber das caracteristicas de povo de deus? em primeiro lugar só entra pelas portas do ceus quem lava suas vestiduras no sangue do cordeiro,que é sangue do cordeiro:LUCAS 22:20,é o evangelho.em segundo lugar é o selo:EFÉSIOS 4:30,e LUCAS 3:16,batismo com espirito santo.em terceiro lugar:I CORINTIOS 12:1 A 28.dons espirituais.em quarto:JOÃO 14:12,faz as óbras que jesus fez.em quinto:LUCAS 24:49,é pentencostal.em sexto:APOCALIPSE 2:4,não muda nem segue a modernidade, tudo pode mudar, menos o povo que deus levará consigo.setimo:APOCALIPSE 3:10 e LUCAS. 17:34,35,36. arrebatará, tomará sua igreja como um relampago.nesse tempo eu tinha feito muitos cursos biblicos e teólogicos,achava que minha sabedoria,meu orgulho e soberba me capacitaria para ser um vaso e instrumento de deus.hoje em dia o cego ve,a paralitico anda,o oprimido é liberto,tudo isso porque deixei de confiar em mim mesmo,queria ser reconhecido e ser servido,mais quando me humilhei reconhecendo muitas coisas então deus me honrou,siga mais um conselho que esta em:APOCALIPSE 3:11,lenbre-se o que esta em jogo é tua felicidade,salvação não só tua mais de tua familia,filhos, conjuge,amigos,parentes.fiquem com deus e disponham! lembrem-se”o que impossivel para os homens é´possivel para deus”
You know the “True Religion”. I’ve never heard that one before.
I especially like the part where you tell us that the bible has passed through many hands, been re-written, and we shouldn’t trust it. Then you go and quote from specific passages to support your idiotic views.
Woo-believers believe in woo.
All religions are false but mine. To prove it, I’ll quote my own holy book wich states it is a book inspired by god.
“comecei a falar diretamente em oração com jesus”
Aren’t you a bit old to speak with an imaginary friend?
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