QotD: What's Your Favorite Joke?

Since we’re still dealing with the last joke’s aftermath, I thought this would be a good question of the day:

What’s your favorite joke?

Warning: If you’re a sensitive person, stay out of the comments — unless you like being offended (but if so, you don’t need to tell us).

  • Siveambrai

    Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
    The first muffin says to the second, “Man, it sure is hot in here.”
    The second muffin exclaims, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”

    • mike

      Wow, that is exactly the joke I was going to give. ‘Tis a good one.

      • Siveambrai

        It is probably one of the few jokes that will make me giggle for hours…. which is rather sad actually. :)

        • random guy

          I personally love it, also its a good conversation starter as it serves as a deconstruction of jokes themselves.

    • Siveambrai

      Second Favorite: A king became annoyed with an attendant at his court who was constantly bugging him. He decided to send this attendant on a quest to find a magical ring that could make the wearer happy when they were sad and sad when they were happy. The king knew that no such ring existed and that the attendant would not return for a very long time.

      The next day the attendant proudly struts back into the court and presents the king with a cheaply made ring. On this ring was a poorly engraved message that said, “This too shall pass…”

      It’s not super funny but I smile when i think about it anyway. That joke may have been posted here already I only saw it like a month ago on a site like this but I can’t remember where.

      • Mark Mukasa

        Two Jews, three Blacks, one White guy and a Pakistani all walk into a bar.
        The barman says: “What a wonderful representation of a multicultural society!”

        Why are there no examinations in Africa?
        A: Too many cheetahs.

        • wintermute

          A rabbi, a priest and a minister all walk into a bar, and the barman says “Oi, no funny business!”

    • aketzle

      That’s one of my two favorite jokes! LOL

  • Peter Cross

    Glenn Beck.

    • beyonddeities

      A+.

    • Yoav

      That’s a joke I’ll rather never hear again.

    • Showtime

      that is intolerably offensive!

    • Janet Greene

      Daniel did warn us that sensitive people may not be able to take these jokes….

  • yahweh

    5th grade level as not to offend anyone…………

    What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?
    You sure are a fun guy

    What did the worm say to the bird as the bird was eating the worm?
    You wouldn’t sh*t me man, would you

    • dutchhobbit

      you have offended me. By trying to not offend anyone you told clean jokes. that means that you did not reveal your dark side to me. This I see as a lack of trust and that offends me.
      Just Kidding :P

      • yahweh

        You taking offense at me, offends me. :D

  • lilybird

    Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

    • Potco

      A guy walks into a bar.

      Ouch.

      • Mark Mukasa

        Two blondes walk into a bar. You’d have thought one would have seen it coming.

      • Dyedinthewoolcynic

        Nice!

      • Showtime

        classic.
        pickled vlasic classic, indeed

      • Showtime

        ftw

    • yahweh

      A horse walks into a drinking establishment. The bartender says “why the long face?”

      • http://arkonbey.blogspot.com arkonbey

        Classic. another:

        Bear walks into a drinking establishment. He bartender asks, “what can I get for you”

        The bear says:”………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….”

        The bartender ask, “So, why the big pause”

        It’s funnier when performed ;)

        • beyonddeities

          A termite walks into a bar, walks up to the counter and asks, “Is your bar-tender…”

  • Mark Mukasa

    What’s the similarity between a Penis and the Catholic Church?

    A: Kid’s don’t like it when a Priest forces it down their throat.

  • Confused

    What do you get hanging out of cherry trees?

    Sore arms.

  • StephenG

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was dead.

    • dutchhobbit

      why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
      Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

      • dutchhobbit

        why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
        peer presure

        • James

          Why did the gorilla fall?

          He tripped over a dead monkey.

        • Ozymandias

          i laughed @ peer pressure

  • Mark Mukasa

    I’m tempted to see which ones Daniel Florien liked…Let’s see whether the scourge of Atheism has corrupted his soul!

    • Lakafaith

      Cannibals catch a clown and cook him up. Over dinner, one says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”

  • Olga

    A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief tells them, “We’re going to kill you, eat you, and make canoes out of your skin. But since I am a kind and merciful man, I will let you choose how you want to die.”

    The Frenchman thinks a bit and asks for a sword. “Vive la France!” he cries, and runs himself through. The Englishman thinks a bit and asks for a pistol. “God save the Queen!” he says, and shoots himself. The New Yorker thinks for a long, long time. Finally he says, “Give me a fork.”

    “A fork?!” The cannibals are astonished. But they give him a fork anyway. Immediately he starts stabbing himself all over– arms, legs, anywhere he can reach.

    “What are you doing?!” says the cannibal chief.

    The New Yorker replies, “Try and make a canoe outta me, you bastards!”

    (Why, yes, I’m from New York, how did you know?)

    • trj

      What happened to the cannibal who was late for lunch?

      He was given the cold shoulder.

  • dutchhobbit

    This one is pretty good but offensive.

    4 men are sitting in a train in the Netherlands. An American, a Dutchman, an Arabian, and a Moroccan. The American stands up, takes his suitcase, opens the window, and opens the suitcase up. It is filled with cash. He says, “In the USA we have plenty of money, I don’t need this” and throws the content out the window. The Arabian man now stands up, takes his suitcase and opens it up. It is filled with oil. He says, “Where I am from, we have plenty of oil, I don’t need it” and throws it out. The Moroccan also gets up takes his suitcase and opens it. It is filled with sand. He says, “In Morocco we have plenty of sand, I don’t need it.” He throws the sand out the window. The Dutchman looks at the Moroccan and the Moroccan says, “Don’t you even think about it”.

    • Mark Mukasa

      My mother said she liked that one. xD

    • 3D

      Haha. I think I have heard that one with every possible combination of (country) and (minority in that country that white people don’t like having around).

    • KD

      What’s an arabian? and isn’t a morrocan an Arab anyway?

      • Lurker

        Arabians are horses. Don’t know what one would be doing with a suitcase of oil, though.

        • Janet Greene

          He’s a RICH arabian horse. Duh.

  • Fraser

    A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The barman says, what is this, some kind of joke?

  • ilieklolcatz

    A Soviet joke.

    A man saves up his rubles and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years. “Three years!” he asks “What month?” “August” “August? What day in August?” He asks “The Second of August” is the reply “Morning or Afternoon?” “Afternoon. Why do you need to know?” “The plumber is coming in the morning.

  • JonJon

    Q: Why is Helen Keller a terrible driver?

    A: Because she’s a woman.

    This is my favorite joke of all time.

    • yahweh

      This is now my new favorite joke.

    • Roger

      Q: What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her?
      A: Glued doorknobs to the walls

      • yahweh

        or Rearrange the furniture

      • 6uldvnt

        or leave the plunger in the toilet.

        • 3D

          Put her in a round room and tell her to go to the corner.

        • Omar

          LOL

    • Paul

      This one is best when you lead in with the joke:

      Q: Why can’t Helen Keller have babies?

      A: Because she is dead.

  • Leo

    What cheese can you hide a horse in?

    Mascarpone.

  • David Thompson

    Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: You fuck her.

  • http://larrytanner.blogspot.com/ Larry Tanner

    Also favorite pick-up line: If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me touch myself while I read Daredevil #181?

  • Revyloution

    What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

    You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

    ______________

    Jesus approaches the manager of a hotel, hands him three nails and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

    • Dyedinthewoolcynic

      LOL!

  • http://arkonbey.blogspot.com arkonbey

    My all time favorite:

    Two fish are in a tank. The first fish turns to the second fish and asks,”Do you know how to drive this thing?”

    • Jabster

      Two parrots sitting on a perch … one of the says “Can you smell fish?”

  • MakeANoise

    A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks him, “Can you make me one with everything?”

    :)

    • Tom Coward

      Then the Buddhist pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill. After a minute he says to the hot dog vendor: “Hey, where’s my change?” The vendor says: “All change comes from within.”

    • Janet Greene

      Good one!!!!

  • dutchhobbit

    Three men die in a car crash. They go up to heaven and find St. Peter guarding the Gates to Heaven. St. Peter says to the first guy, “You have been good in your life. When you enter heaven, you will find a Ferrari. You eat ambrosia with a golden spoon, play a golden harp on a cloud and be happy.” So the first guy goes into heaven.

    St. Peter goes to the second guy and says “You have been good but you have done some wrong things at time. When you enter heaven you will find a Ford Focus for you. You will eat ambrosia, play a golden harp, and be happy.” So the second guy went into heaven.

    Then St. Peter went to the third guy. He says “You have done many things wrong in your life but you also did many good things. You can go into heaven and you will find a motorbike for you. You will eat ambrosia with a golden spoon, play a golden harp on a cloud, and be happy.” So the third guy goes into heaven.

    A few days after entering heaven, the three friends meet again. They talk about their experiences. One of the men then says, “Guess who I saw just the other day. The Pope on a razor scooter.”

  • http://luckyatheist.blogspot.com Michael Caton

    The following Helen Keller joke would only be laughed at by a really terrible person. So I better not catch anyone snickering at this. I would be very disappointed in you all.

    Q: Why did Helen Keller only use one hand to masturbate?

    A: She needed the other one to moan with.

    • dutchhobbit

      I am now a terrible person. I laughed.

    • yahweh

      *snickering with one hand*

    • Moe Cho

      I laughed a little to much.

  • SimonPure

    A dyslexic walks into a bra…

    • 6uldvnt

      Love that! (Yes, I’m dislexic. I’m allowed)

      • Paul Buckner

        Dyslexics of the world untie!

    • objectifier

      Have you heard about the new group, Mothers Against Dyslexia – they call it DAM

  • SimonPure

    Guy to girl: “Do you know the difference between having sex and having a conversation?”
    “No.”
    “Then lie down, I want to talk to you.”

  • http://10plusyears.blogspot.com/ 10plus

    You guys hear the one about the two flies on the toilet seat? One got pissed off.

  • James

    What did the fish say when it hit a cement wall?
    Damn.

    What do you call a broken boomerang?
    A stick.

  • Rover Serton

    My son just told me this one, best when seen:

    “How does every racist joke start?” (looks to the left and right to see if anyone can hear….)

    • n00blet

      Haha awesome :D

  • ScottMuri

    A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar…and that was just the first guy.

    • Dyedinthewoolcynic

      I love it!

      • ScottMuri

        Heard that one from Denis Leary…’s priest.

    • Janet Greene

      A youth pastor, a sexually repressed porn addict and a person with really bad musical taste walks into a church (they don’t go to bars)…and that was just the first guy.

  • Wild-wood

    Two fish in a tank.
    One turns to the other and says “How do you drive this thing?”

  • Tyrrlin

    Rene Descartes was in a bar, drinking. At the end of the night, the bartender announces last call and asks him “Do you want one more drink?”
    Descartes replies, “I think not” …and disappears.

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    “It’s cute and all, but how do you breathe outta that thing?”

    One more-

    A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

    I love these. :-)

    • Len

      Descartes idiot brother: “I think sometimes, therefore I might be.”

      • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

        Descartes idiot brother: “I think therefore I’m confused.”

        • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

          Oops. …therefore I AM…confused.

  • Paul

    After many years of doing little, god decides it’s time for a vacation. Having trouble deciding where to go, he calls upon his angels to help decide. This first angel suggests Jupiter, to which god replies “No, it’s way too windy, I’ll never be able to keep my hair in order.” The second angel suggests Pluto, but that “is way too cold, and I don’t want to bring all of that extra baggage for warm clothing.” Finally someone suggestions Earth. Horrified, god exclaims, “I vacationed there once, knocked up some Jew broad, and they’re still talking about it!”

  • Thegoodman

    I was the vice president of my high school graduating class and I had to give the closing statement during graduation. I wasn’t rebellious in the traditional sense, I had good grades, was going to a good college, didn’t get in any trouble. But I was rebellious in that I hated all institutions that tried to manipulate peope i.e. church, the school administration, politics etc..

    http://www.shoptcs.com/cjp/sch/4.htm

    I said 1 sentence, then told this joke, and walked off the stage. It was probably the worst speech ever.

  • ScottMuri

    Thats the joke I was going to put up here. Gotta love Stanhope!

  • Thegoodman

    Whats funnier than a dead baby?

    A dead baby in a clown suit.

  • aketzle

    What do you call babies born in whorehouses?

    Brothel sprouts!

    • LRA

      haaaaaaaahahaaahaahahahahaaa!!!!!

  • http://www.uncrediblehallq.net/ Chris Hallquist

    It’s Germany in the 1930′s, and two Jews are sitting reading the paper. One is reading a Jewish community paper, but when he looks over at the other, he notices, to his shock, that the other is reading a Nazi paper. “It’s bad enough what they do to us,” he says, “but then you have to go and read that garbage.” The other replies: “Look at your paper. There, it’s Jews beaten, Jewish shops destroyed, Jews driven out of their homes, but here, we are rulers of the world!”

  • http://bluejaysway.wordpress.com/ Bluejay

    St. Peter was on vacation so Jesus was subbing for him at the Pearly Gates, letting souls into heaven. One old man came shuffling up to him, and Jesus thought he looked vaguely familiar. So he decided to question him.

    “Old man, what did you do when you were alive?”

    “I was a carpenter.”

    “And… did you have any children?”

    “Yes, I had one son.”

    “Was there anything special about your son?”

    “My son was unlike anyone else in the world. He had nails in his hands and feet.”

    Upon hearing this, Jesus spread his arms wide and said, “Dad! It’s me!”

    The old man peered up at him and said: “Pinocchio?”

  • Jerdog

    Most un-pc joke I know. Makes me laugh in spite of myself.

    A man walks down the beach and he sees a woman with no arms or legs alone on a blanket. He notices she is crying. “What’s wrong?” “I’ve never been hugged by a man.” So the man takes and hugs her. She seems happy so he continues his walk.

    The next day the man is walking down the same beach and sees the same woman. She is still crying. “What’s wrong?” “I’ve never been kissed by a man.” So the man hugs and kisses her. She seems happy so he continues his walk.

    On the third day, the man sees the woman with no arms or legs is again crying. “What’s wrong?” “I’ve never been fucked.” So the man takes the woman, throws her into the ocean and shouts “Now you’re fucked!”

    • Kodie

      My favorite so far.

  • Roger

    There were a ton of tasteless jokes that sprung up after the space shuttle Challenger exploded. Here’s one:
    Q: What’s the official soft drink of NASA?
    A: 7-Up

    • 3D

      What does NASA stand for?

      Need Another Seven Astronauts.

  • Dyedinthewoolcynic

    Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side!

    • Custador

      Why did the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

      • objectifier

        Why did the chicken cross the road? – To prove to the possum that it could be done.

        • Atticus

          How did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

    • Francesc

      Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
      To get to the other … er, um …

  • http://bopl.samharris.us PaulH

    I received an unexpected letter from the Origami Society this morning. Didn’t know what to make of it.

    • wintermute

      *groan*

  • http://brgulker.wordpress.com brgulker

    Not quite a joke … and not necessarily, but probably close enough and relatively fitting =D

    Taoism
    Shit happens.

    Buddhism
    If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

    Islam
    If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.

    Protestantism
    Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

    Judaism
    Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Hinduism
    This shit happened before.

    Catholicism
    Shit happens because you’re bad.

    Hare Krishna
    Shit happens rama rama.

    T.V. Evangelism
    Send more shit.

    Atheism
    No shit.

    Jehova’s Witness
    Knock knock, shit happens.

    Hedonism
    There’s nothing like a good shit happening.

    Christian Science
    Shit happens in your mind.

    Agnosticism
    Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

    Rastafarianism
    Let’s smoke this shit.

    Existentialism
    What is shit anyway?

    Stoicism
    This shit doesn’t bother me.

    • http://brgulker.wordpress.com brgulker

      Bah, wonky formatting due to copying and pasting – sorry for the length!

    • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

      That’s funny!

  • Olga

    Three Soviet-era jokes about Chernobyl:

    An old man is sitting in his rocking chair, looking out the window. His grandson comes up to him and says, “What was that place called?”
    “Chernobyl,” says the grandfather, and pats the boy on the head.
    “Was it nice there?”
    “Yes, it was quite beautiful,” replies the grandfather, and pats the little boy on his other head.
    (In another version of the joke, they stroll off into the sunset, wagging their tails.)

    A man is walking through the market when he hears someone calling out “Chernobyl mushrooms! Nice fresh Chernobyl mushrooms! Get ‘em here! Chernobyl mushrooms!”
    He turns and sees an old woman with a table full of misshapen lumps. “Grandmother, are you crazy? No one is going to buy mushrooms from Chernobyl!”
    “Sure they are,” she says. “One for your boss, one for your mother-in-law…”

    A lightbulb breaks in the house and the wife sends the husband out to replace it. He comes back and says, “Here, I got some newfangled version… It lights up by itself, you don’t even need to put it in the socket.”
    The wife takes the glowing thing in her hand and says, “I don’t know, it’s kinda squishy and clammy.”
    “Yeah, I noticed, but it’s so convenient! Much better than regular glass ones.”
    She puts on her glasses and peers at it more closely. “You fool! That’s not some kind of new lightbulb, it’s a Chernobyl hedgehog!

  • Kerry

    What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

    Endless Love.

  • CoffeeJedi

    A man walks in to a doctor’s office with a carrot stick up his nose and hot dog hanging out of his ear, the doc takes one look at him and says…. “You’re not eating right.”

  • smittypap

    A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof! Roof!” the dog replies.

    “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

    “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough! Rough!” the dog answers.

    The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

    “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.”

    He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth! Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

    And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

    • Olga

      Okay, that reminded me of the one about the talking monkeys.

      A king in a faraway country reads about evolution and becomes fascinated. He orders his men to search the kingdom for the three most intelligent scientists, and in the meantime mail-orders three chimpanzees from Africa.

      When the scientists are brought to the court, he tells them that they each have a year to teach a chimpanzee how to talk. They are horrified, but since the king is known for beheading people who contradict him, they say they can do it.

      A year passes, and the king comes to check on their progress. The first scientist comes in with a fat, happy chimpanzee, but no matter how much he tries, he can’t get it to say a word. The frustrated king orders his head chopped off.

      The second scientist earnestly assures him that though his chimpanzee is very shy, he is sure he can make it talk. He can’t. The king orders him beheaded as well.

      The third scientist brings in his chimpanzee, and the king sees that its ribs are poking out, the hair on its head is falling off, and its arms are like sticks. “Doctor, have you been feeding this animal?” asks the king.

      “Of course I have!” says the scientist.

      The chimpanzee yells, “He’s lying, he’s lying!”

      • Michael

        Alternative punchline:

        The third scientist walks in with a strange man by his side. The king asks, “Doctor, where is your chimpanzee?” The strange man says, “Right here, sire.”

        (I mean, it is an evolution joke after all . . . )

  • smittypap

    From the fabulous Lisa Lampanelli…

    A guy gets on an elevator with a beautiful blond on board. “Can I smell your feet?” he asks. “No!” she replies. “Oh,” he says. “Then it must me your p***y.”

  • http://h8red42.blogspot.com RC Wallace

    Q.how many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. all of them! ever hear of a witch who doesn’t like to screw?

    • Olga

      How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      One. He holds it up to the socket, and the world revolves around him.

      • CoffeeJedi

        That one works better when you sub in “whomever you and your audience consider to be narcissists”. In band it was always “trumpeters” or “snare drummers” depending on who was telling it. In chorus/musicals it was “tenors”. At work it’s “salesmen” or “marketers”.

    • dutchhobbit

      How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      None, that is a hardware problem.

    • random guy

      Nerdy lightbulb joke:

      How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      Only one, but it does take twelve episodes.

    • Francesc

      How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      None. Gauss already did it.

      How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      One. He is not going to do it but he can prove it is possible.

      • 3D

        How many members of a particular ethnic or social grouping does it take to screw in a light bulb?

        (N + 1): 1 to physically screw in the light bulb, and N to act in a manner stereotypically attributed to the group in question.

        • Francesc

          N is too large, let it be K :-p

  • DDM

    So a baby seal walks into a club…

    • Joe Agnost

      Hilarious! ;)

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ WMDKitty

      Dammit, beat me to it!

  • Nzo

    *cracks knuckles* Let’s be offensive!

    How do you fit 6 million jews in your car?
    2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 5,999,995 in the ash tray.

    Why was it bad to be a black Jew during the Holocaust?
    Because they made you sit in the back of the oven.

    How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
    Depends on how hard you throw them

    Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
    So if it comes out dead, you can make soup.

    What’s the difference between Princess Diana and a Mercedes?
    The Mercedes will reach 40.

    ~
    I have to put these in for the idiots in the other thread

    What does a woman and a tampon have in common?
    They’re both stuck up b*tches.

    Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
    Walking the dog is relaxing.

    ~
    Side note: If I believed in hell, how many seats would I have to save on the bus for laughing at these jokes?

  • gabriel

    an american indian boy who was clearly upset came up to his father and asked, “Dad, were do you get the names for your kids?” The Indian man says, well..I have had so many kids that I had to get creative. So when ever your mother has a baby and I get up the next morning the first thing I see when I open the TeePee is the name that I give my new child. That is how Flying Dove got her name and Deer that runs fast got his name…..why do you want to know Two Dogs Fucking?

  • fftysmthg

    Two drunken Bums sitting on a curb. A dog walks up, sits down and starts to licking it’s own balls.

    The first Bum says, ” I wish I could do that. ”

    The second Bum leans over and whispers, ” I’d pet him first.”

  • Craig

    What is white, sticky, and falls from the sky?

    The coming of the lord.

  • Camille M Julien

    Q. Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
    A. Because you get a womb with a view.

  • Joe Agnost

    Tasteless alert… very tasteless (but funny):

    Q: What do 10,000 battered women all have in common?

    A: (while pounding right fist into left open hand) The just DON’T listen!

    • Custador

      Even more tasteless alert:

      What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you’ve already told her twice…

      • LRA

        I totally thought about telling that joke!!! LOL!

        • Jabster

          Just for you LRA …

          What do you say to a Texan with a job … “Can I have fries with that?”

          • Custador

            What do you say to a Spice Girl these days? “Extra fries, hold the onion”.

            • Jabster

              How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass … very satisfying

            • Custador

              What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Swansea? A leisure center.

      • Patch Adams

        I went to the rape advice center the other day. Turns out it’s only for victims.

        • Nzo

          I like this one.

        • Mark Mukasa

          Patch Adams, you are the Devil himself! :-D

      • Arie

        Oh please, you call that tasteless.

        Q: what’s the difference between sand and menstrual fluid
        A: You can’t gargle sand.

  • Custador

    How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but they have to be small mice.

  • dutchhobbit

    what is brown and rhymes with snoop?
    Dr. Dre

  • Igor

    Threee explorers are caught in the jungle by the natives and brought before the chief. “You may choose your fate”, he says. “Death or..Bunga-bunga!”

    First explorer says, “I don’t want to die, I’ll take a chance. I choose Bunga-bunga!”

    All the natives bang their shields and spears, scream “Bunga-bunga”, and 5 big black bucks come out and fuck the explorer up the ass.

    Second explorer, to fill out the joke, says the same, and of course, gets fucked up the ass.

    Third explorer, having seen this horror, decides. “I choose death!” he says proudly.

    “Death it is!” screams the king. “But first…a little Bunga-bunga!”

    • GC

      lol … the version I heard before was the last one who wanted death was granted “death by bunga-bunga”

    • random guy

      ah dammit i knew i should have read them all before posting below.

  • Russell

    Q: What’s brown and sticky?
    A: a stick.

  • Patch Adams

    How do you know the Polish President didn’t have dandruff? They found his head and shoulders in the cockpit.

    • Showtime

      timely

  • Lana

    Okay, don’t know if any of these were already told:

    Q: How many guys does it take to open a beer?
    A: None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

    Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, were talking. The brunette says, “Wow, I had a wild night last night. I fucked a Brazilian!”

    “Oh my god, you slut!” The blonde exclaims. “How many is a brazilian?”

    From my 8 year old:

    Q: Why didn’t the dinosaur want to go to the library?
    A: Because his books were 65 million years overdue.

    Q: What kind of bow can’t you tie?
    A: A rainbow.

  • http://newly-nerfed.net/ ZenMonkey

    A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that he’s got a ship’s steering wheel down the front of his pants. Bartender says “Hey, did you know you’ve got a ship’s steering wheel down the front of your pants?” The pirate replies, “Yarrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

  • Yoav

    A guy wants to join the KKK. The master tells him that as his initiation he has to kill a ni**r and a cat. The guy asks, why a cat. The master: OK you passed.

    A Scotland yard, FBI and KGB agents argue which agency is the best. Finally they decide to settle it with a competition, whoever can walk into the forest and brig a bear out in the shortest time win. The Scotland yard agent go first, 2 hours later he walk out dragging a bear. Then the FBI agent have a go, an hour later he come back with a bear. Next the KGB agent walk into the forest, 2 minutes later the others hear a lot of screams and the KGB man walk out holding a rabbit who’s screaming at the top of his voice, OK I confess I’m really a bear.

  • ilieklolcatz

    Here’s another one from Europe.

    A man with a newspaper turns to his friend and says, “They are coming after the Jews and the bicycle riders.” “Why the bicycle riders?”

    • dutchhobbit

      This reminds me of another joke.
      What do Dutch people say the first time they go to Germany?
      Kan ich meine fahrrad zuruck haben? (Can I have my bicycle back?)

  • Showtime

    Long one…

    Little Timmy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead dog behind him on a leash. He walks right up to the Madam, slaps fifty bucks on the table and declares, “I want one to fuck one of your whores.”
    The economy being what it is, and business being so slow, the Madam decides that, despite Little Timmy’s tender age, he shall indeed be permitted to fuck one of her whores. She asks the young gentleman to pick out whichever one he prefers, but Little Timmy simply says, “I don’t care what she looks like, as long as she has herpes.”
    Shocked, the Madam protests quite vehemently that, in her establishment, none of the ladies have herpes. Little Timmy simply stares right at her, slaps two more fifties on the table, and repeats, “As long as she has herpes.”
    Sighing, the Madam gathers Little Timmy’s money and send for Old Alice, a sad, decrepit old whore. Upon seeing the whore and her numerous cold sores, Little Timmy is quite satisfied, and they retire to the upstairs bedroom. Ten minutes later, and the Madam spies Little Timmy as he descends the stairs, dead dog still in tow. Curious, she asks him why he would ruin his future by lying with a pox-riddled prostitute. Little Timmy responds:
    Well, I reckon that now I got herpes from Old Alice there, and when my parents go out later tonight, and my babysitter practices kissing on me, then she’ll have ‘em, and when my parents come back and my dad drives her home, and molests her, then he’ll have ‘em. My dad will come home, fuck my mom, and then she’ll get herpes. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, the postman will deliver the mail, fuck my mom, and THE POSTMAN’S THE BASTARD THAT RAN OVER MY DOG.

  • ambisinister

    Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
    A: Paints his testicles red and climbs a cherry tree.

    Q: Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
    A: A monkey picking cherries.

    • Jabster

      What do you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle … wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

    • Adrian

      How does the elephant get down from the cherry tree?
      Sits on a leaf and waits ’til autumn (Fall to you Yanks)

  • Patch Adams

    What drinks did they have on the Challenger?
    They couldn’t get 7UP, so they got Ocean Spray.

    What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant?
    We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

  • Francesco Orsenigo

    II World War.
    In Warsaw, a young man runs for his life, chased by an SS Nazi officer.
    All of the sudden, the man finds himself cornered, no way to escape.
    The SS pulls out the gun, and prepares to kill him, when suddenly the sky opens, showering everything in Holy light.
    A thunderous voice speaks: “Thou shall not kill this man, for his destiny is to be Pope!”
    Overwhelmed, the SS asks: “And me?”
    “You, later!”

  • random guy

    Ok this one was told by Martin Mull, an atheist, on the documentary The Aristocrats, as opposed to the titular joke.

    A catholic priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk were lost in the jungle. They are captured by headhunters and the chief offers the three men a choice “we can kill you or you can meet the aristocrats”.

    He gives them a moment and then asks the rabbi his choice. The rabbi says “Perhaps there is an afterlife, but I’m not sure. We are certainly supposed to treasure this life, so I choose the aristocrats”. Suddenly out of jungle comes ten huge men who rape him and beat him in every possible way.

    The chief goes to the priest who says “Still the same deal?”, “yes”, says the chief “death or the aristocrats”. The priest says “I too value life, and I’m no stranger to some aspects of that treatment, so ill go with the aristocrats”. As soon are words are out of his mouth the men leap upon him and violate him in every possible way. The beating continues twice as long as the rabbi’s and priest is left barely alive on the jungle floor.

    The chief finally comes to the buddhist, who says “I believe this life is put a short chapter in a larger story, I choose death”. The chief says “ah well death it is, but first the ARISTOCRATS!”

    You can here him tell it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itl44eSdebg

    Also if you like dirty jokes and haven’t checked out the movie the Aristocrats, do so. Its Penn Jillette getting 75+ comedians and writers to talk about the dirty joke every comedian knows.

    • http://blogs.geniocity.com/eby/ mahousniper

      The Aristocrats is a great joke. My favorite telling is either Gilbert Gottfried’s or Bob Saget’s.

      George Carlin on the Aristocrats and on dirty jokes in general: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRS_2HgPPys&NR=1

  • http://stereoroid.wordpress.com/ brian t

    Q: What’s the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?
    A: I neither know nor care.

  • http://blogs.geniocity.com/eby/ mahousniper

    I’m going to post the most offensive joke I know in the most offensive way I know how. Some of you might recognize this joke from The Boondock Saints.

    If you’re offended, don’t read it. :)

    So a nigger, a spic, and a white gentleman were walking down the road when they stumble across a magic lamp. The white man, being the smartest, rubs the lamp and out comes a genie. “Normally, I’d grant you three wishes,” says the genie, “but since there are three of you, I’ll grant you each one wish.”
    The nigger steps up first and says “Yo, I want all my nigga brothas to be back in Africa where we can all live happily.”
    “Done.” says the genie, and the nigger disappears.
    The spic go next and says “Ey homes, I want all my Mexican compadres to be back in Mexico and to live happily.”
    “Done.” says the genie, and the spic disappears.
    The white man then looks at the genie and asks “You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?”
    “That’s right.” says the genie.
    The white man looks around, then says “I’ll have a Coke.”

    Here’s the joke in the Boondock Saints: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DE2ggufnMw

    I believe that’s the most racist thing I’ve ever written. I’ve set a new low for myself! Yay!

    • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

      Yep. That’s offensive alright. Too bad it wasn’t funny.

    • dutchhobbit

      It would be worse if the guy said, “now flood Mexico and Africa”

  • http://billym.macabreink.com Billy

    Early bird gets the worm, the early worm gets eaten. Moral of the story is, sleep in.

    Second funniest joke: Religion.

  • Meanie

    So, my husband, having a hard time determining my moods, bought me a mood ring.
    We have discovered that when I’m in a good mood, the ring turns green.
    And when I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

  • n00blet

    A grasshopper walks into a bar one day. The bartender says

    “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!”

    The grasshopper replies, “What, Barry?”

  • Patch Adams

    A Catholic Priest came round the other day, asking if I was pro abortion. I said “I’m not a pro, I’m just fucking good at it.”

    How do you know to dump your girlfriend?
    When she goes to the abortion clinic and asks for “the usual”.

    A breathless aide ran up to President Clinton in the Oval Office: “it’s the abortion bill, Mr President. what shall we do about it?”

    “Just go ahead and pay it.”

  • zombieroach

    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender pours 2 beers and says, “Your all idiots.”

  • Atticus

    “What do you get when you cross and owl and a bungie cord….my ass!”

    An internet to whoever gets the reference.

    • Sir Jebbington

      :-)

    • pat

      Kung pow!

  • zombieroach

    Student presenting for speech class: Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?

    Teacher: Chaos! It’s pronounced chaos!

  • zombieroach

    A farmer hires an engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist to design a fence to hold his sheep. They take turns presenting their ideas for the fence, starting with the engineer, who draws a square fence around a picture of some sheep and says, “The most efficient design for the fence would be a square or rectangle which would maximize the space it would give the sheep while limiting costs.”

    The mathematician erases the square fence and draws a circular fence around the sheep instead. “No no no. A circle is the most efficient shape for maximizing the amount of area the sheep have compared to the radius of the enclosure.”

    The engineer and mathematician begin debating while the physicist erases the circle around the sheep and draws a tiny little circle off to the side, too small to encompass even a single animal. The others ask, “How is that going to help us? It’s too small to hold any sheep.” The physicist points to the center of the little circle and says, “This is the outside.”

    • Francesco Orsenigo

      You switched the mathematician and the physicist. =P

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ WMDKitty

    So… a baby seal walks into a club….

  • Anne

    Love this one
    Q:How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

  • Arie

    Three Astranuts are in the space station. An American, his wife and A Russian. The Russian looks out the window and says ‘Its raining’
    The American laughs, ‘How did you get this job, everyone knows it can’t rain in space.’
    The Russian looks out again and says, ‘I know, but it really is raining.’
    The American figures he needs a third party to break the stalemate so he calls his wife over. she looks out the window ans says ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.’

  • Arie

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

    • 3D

      That is indeed a great joke, but you screwed up the punchline by making it #1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp comes last!

  • Audrey

    Three explorers are captured by hostile natives and brought to the village where they were tied up and became the centerpiece of a tribal ritual.

    After the appropriate ceremonial dance and music, the Chief approaches the first explorer and asks, “Death or Bunga?”. The explorer really doesn’t want to die and screams out, “Bunga”. He was immediately anally raped by A hundred screaming natives.

    The Chief approaches the 2nd explorer and asks, “Death or Bunga?” The explorer sees the first lying in agony and contemplates death. Finally, he screams out, “Bunga!:, He’s immediately anally raped by a thousand screaming natives.

    The third explorer sees his companions writhing in agony and when the Chief approaches him and asks, “Death or Bunga?”, he quietly says, “Death!”.

    The Chief pauses for a few seconds and says, “Very well. Death…

    by Bunga!”

  • Audrey

    Sorry Igor – I didn’t read the thread first – gawd I luv that bunga joke!

  • Paul Adrem

    A young Native American boy walked up to his father and asked, “Father, how do we Indians get our names?”
    The Father replied, “When your sister was born I saw a sparrow flying through the air, so I named her flying sparrow. When your brother was born I saw a buffalo walking across the plain, so I named him Walking Buffalo…….why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?”

  • Adrian

    This is my all-time favourite;
    Peter, Simon and Jesus are playing golf. Jesus tees off and slices hugely into the trees. Just then a rabbit picks up the ball and runs down the fairway. Half way down an eagle swoops and picks up the rabbit , as the eagle passes over the green the rabbit drops the ball which ends up within an inch of the hole, just as a worm pokes its head up and pushes the ball into the hole.
    ” For fucks sake JC” says Simon ” It’s only a game.”

    Or another;
    A priest and the club pro are playing when the pro misses a short putt “Fuck! missed the bastard” “My son” says the priest ” have a care or God will strike you down”
    At the next hole the same thing happens “Fuck! missed the bastard” Just then the heavens darken and a thunderbolt hits the priest “Fuck! missed the bastard”

  • TheTrueScotsman

    Scottish jokes:

    4 cows in a field, which one’s on holiday?

    The one with the wee calf.
    ————————————————————–
    10 cows in a field, which one’s muslim?

    Coo eight
    ————————————————————-

    • 3D

      Pretty good puns, but unfortunately I can’t use them on anyone because they don’t work in American English. (calf = “KAFF”, not “KOFF”)

  • Sunny Day

    Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

    He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

    Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

    After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

    Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

    Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

    Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

    Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

    Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

    He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

    • Janet Greene

      OMG, that is TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!! LMFHO!!!!!!!

  • sam

    What’s the difference between an onion and a whore?

    You don’t cry when you chop up a whore.

  • http://politicalcrud.blogspot.com/ Christopher Miller

    Dang, I’m late to the party…oh well, here’s my joke:

    A door to door salesman knocks on a door. When it opens, a 12-year-old boy is standing in front of him wearing his mother’s bra and panties and sipping on a martini. The startled salesman is flabbergasted but utters out “Are your parents home?” The boy narrows his eyes as yells “What the hell do you think?”

  • Shrubber

    OK…darkness alert!






    What’s black and blue and hates sex?








    The nine-year-old in my trunk.

    I warned you.

    • Janet Greene

      ohhhhhhh………..lemme guess – you’re a priest?

      • Shrubber

        FTW! (No, I just dress like one)

  • http://boomcoach.blogspot.com Boomcoach

    A college student is hitchhiking one day.

    An SUV pulls over to the side of the road. The student starts to get in, but the driver asks, “Are you a Republican or a Democrat.” The student replies, “A Democrat.” The SUV drives away, leaving him standing there.

    A little while later, a big pickup pulls over. As the student is about to climb in, the driver asks, “Are you a Republican or a Democrat.” The student replies, “A Democrat.” Once again, our student is left standing at the side of the road.

    Half an hour later, a red convertible pulls over, driven by a gorgeous blond. “Are you a Republican or a Democrat.” The student, not wanting to be left behind again, says, “A Republican!” “Hop in,” the blond says with a smile.

    As they are driving down the road, the blond lets her hand slide of the gear shift onto the student’s knee, then slowly starts to slide it up the inside of his thigh.

    Suddenly the student shouts, “Stop the car, lady!” Startled, the blond pulls the car over to the side of the road. the student jumps out without even opening the door. “What’s wrong?” the blond asks. “Lady, I have only been a Republican for half an hour, and I am already about to screw somebody!”

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ WMDKitty

    Schroedinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t.

  • Janet Greene

    I’m a rather pathetic individual that finds humor in things that most people decidedly do NOT. That said, this is my favorite joke:

    Why did Adam cross the road?
    Because his head was stuck in a chicken.

  • Janet Greene

    Of all the famous people, which one had the biggest penis?

    Jesus – he was hung like this (spread out your arms to the side, and hang your head a bit…)

  • Janet Greene

    One more. What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?

    He stays up all night agonizing whether or not there is a Dog.

  • Kraeg

    Three men are in a bar, an Englishman, a Canadian and a Scotsman.

    All three order Scotch, neat.

    All three have a fly in their glass.

    The Englishman asks the bartender, “Pardon me my good man, I require a spoon”, which he then uses to scoop out the fly.

    He looks over at the Canadian, who just shrugs, dips in with his finger, pulls out the fly, and flicks it across the room.

    Both turn and look a the Scotsman who is hunched over his glass, holding the fly by both wings screaming “Spit it oot, ya greedy little bugger.”

  • Mau de Katt

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

  • Mau de Katt

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A fsh.

  • Taylor Grin

    Just in case my name isn’t posted, it’s Taylor Grin, this is important for the joke.

    What do I tell a chick after getting oral?

    Wipe that grin off your face.

    Ba-dun-tssss

  • Evolution SWAT

    Why did they call it PMS?

    Mad Cow’s disease was already taken.

  • The Happy Crow

    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, but, being good friends, no mention is made of their respective nationalities, and they enjoy a drink without incident.

    Heh heh, that one gets me every time.

  • Heavenly Monkey

    A man is walking through the back streets of Belfast
    He goes down a narrow dark laneway

    A man in a balaclava steps out with a machine gun and asks

    “Are you a catholic or a protestant”

    “Neither” replies the man “I’m a Jew”

    “Well then I must be the luckiest Palestinean in all of Belfast”

  • Bob

    Sarah Palin.

    • CoffeeJedi

      THREAD WIN

  • JJD

    Father Alejandro is a really devoted priest, a compassionate man. He lives in a small village somewhere in latin America. He teaches children how to read and write, has built 3 schools, an orphanage etc etc. His only material posessions comprise a dish, a fork and his (whoops, pardon me but English is a second language and I dont know how the priest’s garment is called. Cloth? robes?) his clothes anyway.
    Some day, a terrible hurrican comes their way, and the authorities realise that the village is about to sink under a flood of nearby rivers and torrential rains. People leave the village bur father Alejandro stays and cries to them “You infidels. Stay here. God will save us. I m not leaving, God will save ME”. He stays in his church and prays. Two hours later and with water up to the knees, a government jeep comes and soldiers try to persuade him to leave with them. Again “God will save me”. Six hours later, father Alejandro is perched at the roof of the church, with water up to his chest, and a government boat comes to the rescue. Still… “God will save me”. 12 hours later, father Alejandro is holding by the edge of the lightning rod on the roof, water up to the chin. A helicopter comes and soldiers urge him to come with them or he ll drown. Still he insists , “I m not going anywhere, God will see my piety and save me”.
    Of course the waters rise and the venerable father dies. His spirit goes up and oh boy is he pissed.. He bangs his fists on the entrance of Heaven. “OPEN THE DOOR YOU FILTHY BASTARDS, OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOORS”. St Peter opens the door and asks bored “Yeah, right, calm down maaaan, whassup?”.
    Father Alejandro replies “YOU….YOU…YOU … YOU IGNORANT, UNGRATEFUL LYING MF’S.. I SPENT MY LIFE WORKING FOR YOU, SPREADING YOUR WORD, GIVING AWAY MONEY, KEEPING NOTHING FOR ME,LOVING EVERYBODY AND YOU REPAY ME WITH DROWNING?? I kept waiting for God to save me and he left me die among fish and sinking garbage”
    St. Peter : Wow wow, chill out.. What’s your name man?
    Alejandro : Father Alejandro
    St.Peter : OK wait let me check the catalogue. *opens a huge index and tries to find him*.. Wait , wait, Father Alejandro, Alejandro… mmm.. yeeees… OH Here you are! A HA! SO YOU RE THE IDIOT WE SENT A JEEP, A BOAT AND A HELICOPTER AND DIDNT LEAVE..

    • nitiniu

      Awesome!

  • @theist

    How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

    • yahweh

      nice! a new favorite.

    • dutchhobbit

      A couple goes to a museum. They spot a painting of three black figures and the one in the middle has a pink stripe in the middle. They ponder the meaning of the painting. The curator comes along and the couple asked what the painting is about. The curator tells them that it has to do with slavery and the oppression of the black by the white. All of a sudden a drunken Scot comes along and says that the curator of the museum is wrong. The curator asks why and the Scot replies “I am the painter. Those are three Scottish coalminers and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”

  • @theist

    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.

  • Ignacio Feito

    An eskimo drives his snowmobile into the shop, the mechanic takes a look and tells the eskimo:
    - “Man, looks like you blew a seal”. Eskimo replies: “No man, this is just frost on my moustache”

  • Gwenny

    I’m kind of fond of this new one that a friend posted on FB last night:

    Some useless info: It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
    A human hair can hold 3 kg.
    The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
    Femur is hard as concrete.
    The woman’s heart beats faster than the man.
    Women blink twice as much as men.
    We use 300 muscles just to hold the balance when we stand.
    The woman has read this entire text.

    The man is *still* looking at his thumb

    • yahweh

      yes I am

    • Daniel Florien

      Oh very nice.

  • Blackbird

    “What is the shortest mathematical joke? let epsilon be less than zero!” HOHOHO (if you get this and don’t have a maths oriented career, you should consider getting one)

  • Ty

    Ok, I have to put my joke here I guess.

    All of my favorites involve drinking…

    A man walks into an Irish pub in Boston, sits down at a table, and orders two beer in a heavy Irish brogue. He then proceeds to drink both beers, taking one sip of each until they are both gone. He then orders a second round and drinks them the same way. When he orders his third round, the bartender, a fellow Irishman, walks over to his table and says, “You know, you drink your beers one at a time, they’ll not go flat so quickly.”

    The man at the table looks up in surprise and says, “Oh, no, you misunderstand. See, I’ve recently moved her to the states from my beloved Ireland, and left my brother and best friend behind. To remember the many good times he and I had in the pubs, I always order two beers, one for me and one for him.”

    The bartender says, “Ah! That’s a fine tradition! Your next two coming right up.”

    This becomes something of a tradition. The man comes into the bar several times a week, always orders two beers at a time, and always drinks several rounds.

    Until one day, several months later, he comes in with a stricken look on his face and orders a single beer. The bartender is horrified, and rushes over to the table to console the man. “I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother!” he says. The man looks puzzled for a moment, and then begins laughing. “No, no, you misunderstand. I promised my wife I’d quite drinking!”

  • splinterhead

    An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor,” he snarled, “Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that’s aft and that’s portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like “downstairs” again I’ll throw you through that little round window over there!”

  • dutchhobbit

    There is a chronic lack of MJ jokes on here.

    What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a playstation?
    One is made of plastic and little boys turn it on and the other is used to play videogames.


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