The Resume of Jesus Christ

Lame.

(via)

  • Elemenope

    Under skills/work experience it would have been funny to throw in “journeyman carpenter”.

  • http://painandpanic.wordpress.com/ painandpanic

    I’d love to see a parody of this.

    • Len

      Isn’t this the parody?

  • Tee

    What a weak resume. I mean I would have said

    - Led a group of 12 followers with success
    - Able to solve problems with ease (turned water into wine) (John 2:1-11)
    - Easily can make up errors in accounting (If I can turn one loaf of bread into enough to feed many fixing the numbers in the books should be easy ) (Matthew 14:13–21)
    - Experience in being a mediator. (I Tim. 2: 5)
    - Would walk on water if needed to get this job (Matthew 14:22-33)
    - have given time and money to charitable causes
    -

  • Meanie

    Obviously this candidate did not read the Dummy’s Guide to Resume Writing. Too many I statements.

  • JT

    I’m concerned about the 2000-year gap in the employment record. And that his references are all dead.

    • Garrett

      Can’t he just raise them from the dead?

  • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

    Impressive resume, Jesus. Unfortunately I think you’re over-qualified.

    • Sunny [Sunny Day]

      Overqualified? I don’t see how any of those skills merits a leadership position in my Heart.

      • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

        Shhh. You’ll hurt his feelings. I was trying to let him down easy.

  • Sunny [Sunny Day]

    Rejected: Unqualified

  • Charlie Sitzes

    What are your weaknesses?

    Subject to conniption fits when things fail to go my way. Once killed a fig tree belonging to another person because it didn’t have any figs on it. The fact it was out of season for figs escaped me at the time because I was so furious.

    Once drowned another guy’s hogs.

    • DarkMatter

      He is also a teacher of hate and a destroyer of societies:
      “Luk 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also…”

      • Tee

        What about whipping the moneychangers at the temple? Prone to anger?

  • Custador

    That made me sick in my mouth a little bit.

  • Elanor

    Tsk.. He’s claiming responsibility for a lot of things his superiors clearly performed. He wasn’t even with the company yet when half that stuff went down. Asshole.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/1167527470181880063 Leviathan

    Re: “Lame”

    Yeah.

    For example: “empowering the poor to be poor no more”? Not fucking quite. More like “blessed are the poor, rich people are evil.”

    Very lame.

  • http://None Clyde

    Thanks, but I already have two stents and a pacemaker.

  • http://www.atheistgeeknews.com The Atheist Geek

    Did you find this on the web or did you get an original copy on paper?

  • Nelly

    this guy sure is full of himself…..

    rejected, due to arrogance

    • Nelly

      I know they call a resume a “walk on water”……………………but this is ridiculous

  • http://agnosticism2010.blogspot.com/ nomad

    Uh huh. Tell me, Jesus, why did you leave your last job?

  • http://www.meetup.com/GrassrootsAtheism/ Chris

    You can get into real trouble for lying on your resume or leaving out important details.

  • http://avidaquenosdeuvida.blogspot.com/ Manassés Barreto

    For some time now, I realize, if I may call it a union of Evangelical Churches, and on the other hand, an approximation of Christians with atheists, hallelujah!Ah! I liked it, the organization in discussions here, folks, and what a shame, eh?! for the shepherd who lied.

  • ElitistB

    Dear Jesus H. Christ:

    We thank you for submitting your resume. However there are some anomalies listed here that perhaps you could clear up.

    Many of your highlights clearly point to your father, not you, which is a dangerous claim, considering you specifically state that you are not your own father.

    I also notice that the line stating you have never being tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful, or disrespectful has no references. In fact, as part of your background check, I have seen statements from others purporting you to have engaged in all of these at one time or another. I had to dig for some of these references, as there appears to be a group of people who have actively repressed negative mentions of you.

    Also on your resume is a claim to be a counselor. However I see no licenses for such work. Indeed, again as part of your background check, it has been shown that your efforts at counseling appear to be rather hit and miss, almost like blind chance were at work instead.

    Your educational section looks very impressive. However I notice no formal education whatsoever. In addition it appears that you have a lack of virtually all basic scientific principles, even those which should have been learned in grade school. This is a disturbing incongruity for one with such claims as yours.

    In your major accomplishments, you list being part of a particularly important summit. However what public records there are of this summit makes absolutely no mention of your presence. Your second claim under accomplishments appears to be also false, as you were seen alive a short time later.

    Finally, you have shown absolutely no familiarity with Excel, which is an extremely important skill for that position. I am going to have to disregard this resume. Please feel free to submit another in 6 months.

    Sincerely,

    ElitistB

    • Rob

      One word. Nepotism

    • Janet Greene

      AWESOME!!!!!!

    • Paul

      ramen

  • beyonddeities

    He’s been pretty damn tardy in the last few thousand years.

    Also, he tends to take pride in giving others an inferiority complex, that is, feeling worthless without their ‘savour,’ and so of course there’s the corollary that all of society becomes codepedent and as such NOT independent, totally responsible human beings. We can’t have ONE greedy man in everyone’s hearts when he has no ‘worthy’ competition, right??

    Greasy weasel.

    • Janet Greene

      Yeah, good point – didn’t he say he return about 2000 years ago? I’d say that was pretty much job abandonment.

  • Francesc

    Sorry Jesus
    You didn’t passour psychological tests. ur experts found you to be childish, living in your own fantasy world, believing to be a special and choosen person by an imaginary friend wich only you can speak with. You tend to blame him when problems arise and wait for his solutions.
    Besides you seem to have a passive-agressive attitude withsome outburst moments (yes, we heard about the merchants and the temple) and you don’t get very well with social agreements.

    Finally, we just hired an other guy wich was more successfull than you in live: he managed over armies and countries instead of a dozen of unliterate people. You seem to have problems with relationships outside your job while he is happily married with multiple wives.
    Last but not least, Mo threatened to blown us up if we didn’t hire him.

  • v

    no comments about his extensive criminal record ?
    bastardy, blasphemy, treason, assault, necromancy, witchcraft, involvement with familiar spirits, interfering with legitimate business enterprises, conspiracy, mendicancy, on and on and on…
    hey, you can’t deny it, your faithful scribes/followers recorded all (or at least some of it) for us to see…
    you really need to come in and confess so we can close the books on all these violations…

  • Janet Greene

    I would be requesting references, as it appears as though this resume is exaggerated. He will be so FIRED when his new employer finds out it was all just climical narcicism (sp?). I recognize that everyone embellishes a bit on their CV, but I think this might be in the, uh, LYING territory.

  • Chewy

    Great satirical parity.

    Seems though like a lot of people here feel threatened or something by Christian’s beliefs. Some comments were humorous but others were just harsh, lame and frankly, ignorant.

    Not defending anyone or anything here, just expressing my disappointment.

    • v

      how about ‘none of the above’…
      if you can’t honestly see how poorly it all ties together, then the humor inherent in the comments is lost on you…
      i feel sorry for yeshua, screwed over by both his own incompetent followers and the establishment…
      i’m sure he would have some less than pleasant words for his ‘ghostwriters’…

  • http://- ken hood

    No mention was made that he alone among religious leaders was expected at the end of a stated time .Daniel 9 reveals that at the end of 490 years from the decree of Cyrus his coming and ministry would be fulfilled , using the prophetic device of a day for a year . Chronoligist Martin Anstey has demonstrated the pinpoint accuracy of all this . without going into the many corroborating foretold prophecies he fulfilled . Hey. If this is unreasonable faith what in the world is reasonable ?

  • Jasper Burgess

    Revelation 1:7 “Look, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who pierced him, and all the peoples of the earth will mourn because of him. So shall it be! Amen.” Soon He is coming, like thief in the night.

    • Mark Mukasa

      Still waiting for evidence of that one!

  • Makana Li

    You will see Him whether you want to or not. Please turn away from blasphemy. God have mercy on all of you.

    Peace.

    • Elemenope

      The God who is wounded by words is indeed a very fragile deity. The God who has no sense of humor is no God worth worshiping.

    • Roger

      If I could “see him whether I want to or not,” one would think that he would make himself (he? him? hm) unequivocally know to all of humankind…you know, besides whispering in the ear of first century goat herders and illiterate merchants and such like. Hell, through the power of the interwebs, your fragile little god could, you know, get a blog, do some YouTube videos, something like that.

  • eddy mac

    Are the people who comment on this satanists, athesists or what? They may not agree with what was written but it doesn’t detract from the truth of who Jesus is and what he has fone for mankind. The resume is writen by a fallibe human being. If Jesus himself wrote this resume himself no one would be able to find fault. Jesus is perfect and sinless and they will have to one day bow before him and by then it will be too late to realise their mistake.

    Hell is not a nice place !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • abuh

    whoever value life wont mock the originator of life.. If anyone appreciates life, he cant help loving JESUS.. “You can start immediately sir… But with what will i pay someone like you?”

    • Sunny Day

      Dismissed without evidence, Next please.


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