The Sin of Onan

The sin of Onan. Spilling the old seed on the ground. Cuffing the camel. Dusting the donkey. Flogging the Pharisee. Onanism, a sin that requires hundreds of hours of practice to get right, or at least that’s what I told myself.

—Biff, Jesus’ childhood pal, in Christopher Moore’s Lamb.

  • wazza

    of course, the sin wasn’t the spilling of the seed, but spilling it when god specifically wanted it in your brother’s wife instead.

    And I don’t have a brother, so I’m home free.

  • Elemenope

    Good book.

  • Custador

    Ah, masturbation pseudonyms! Flogging the dolphin, spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, bashing the bishop, polishing the pink pole, flogging the Pirate of Men’s Pants, firing off the ol’ custard-chucker… The list is amusingly endless :D

  • Jordan

    I. Love. That. Book.

    • UrsaMinor

      I love anything by Christopher Moore. :) “Bloodsucking Fiends” was probably my favorite, though.

  • Peter Cross

    Spilling the old seed on the ground

    That’s just messy. Use a tissue.

    • DarkMatter

      Could it be caused by the pressure of his marriage with his aunty?

      • Ian

        Yeah its like they don’t have socks

  • 100meters

    Long time lurker, first time poster, big time fan.
    Not to rain on (spill my seed on?) anyone’s parade…but…the “Sin of Onan” was NOT masturbation, as commonly believed, but rather that he “pulled out,” rather than causing a pregnancy, which was against the specific instructions of the Imaginary Dude in the Sky. Now, back to my secret video stash…

    • DarkMatter

      What say you Pope of Vatican, who is right?

      • Mike

        Quick Google turned this up – it matches what I remember the Bible having to say on the subject. The bit about masturbation being a homosexual act is hysterical…

        “ANY sexual activity which attempts to bypass reproduction is a sin. God joined the creation of life together with the pleasures of sexual intercourse. Birth control and abortion attempt to defeat the creation of life that is entwined by Nature’s God with the reproductive act. So does masturbation.

        In addition, masturbation is a homosexual act: sex with a person of the same sex, namely yourself.

        The Bible refers to the deed as the sin of Onan. Onan was the son of Judah and Shuah. Genesis 38:4. The Lord slew Onan’s brother for wickedness. Judah told Onan to marry his brother’s wife “and raise up seed to thy brother.” Genesis 38:8. But Onan did not want to have children by his brother’s wife.

        “And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”

        Genesis 38:9. This misdeed displeased the Lord; “wherefore he slew him also.” Genesis 38:9-10.”

        • Jerdog

          Autosexual is not the same a homosexual.

        • latsot

          Wait a cotton-picking minute. What was it that god was upset about? Was it the pulling out and (presumably, although it might not be considered Christian canon) cumming on her tits part or the disobeying god business?

          My initial impression is that a fairly enormous part of Christian and especially Catholic nonsense kind of depends on the answer.

          Anyone know what it was that god actually cried his eyes out about while writing into his diary about how nobody understood him?

  • exfundy

    If God didn’t want me to do that he wouldn’t have made my arms long enough!

    • LRA

      Exactly. Clearly, god did not want the t. rex to commit Onanism.

      Poor t. rex!

      LOL!

      • UrsaMinor

        Thank you for that disturbing image of a Heaven crowded with sinless, frustrated T-rexes.

        • LRA

          *t rexes flailing and roaring… gaaahhh! can’t… reach.. parts!!!*

  • L.Long

    “In addition, masturbation is a homosexual act: sex with a person of the same sex, namely yourself.”
    No way! as it ain’t sex!. Sex is any activity that could lead to reproduction. So until masturbation gets yourself pregnant it ain’t sex. It is the lazy BS sloppy thinking of the general herd that leads to the idea that TOUCHING anything that is used for sex is now defined a sex activity. Which by that sloppy definition, taking a piss is actually masturbation , thus homosexual sex, thus all men pissing are homo’s.
    It amazing how the thoughtless BS of religidiots gets even stupider when brought to its logical conclusion.
    Don’t think definitions should not be precise??? Well it is ONLY a ‘theory’!!!!

    • UrsaMinor

      Well, if masturbation ain’t sex, it’s still an incredible simulation.

    • Michael

      “Sex is any activity that could lead to reproduction.”

      I think you disagree with pretty much everybody else in the world on that point. Where did you get that definition?

      • latsot

        “I think you disagree with pretty much everybody else in the world on that point. Where did you get that definition?”

        Yeah, seems kind of dubious. For example, anal and oral sex have “sex” *built right into the name*, which seems a bit of a giveaway.

        But I suppose it could be one of those cases where if you have to build the description into the name, then it probably isn’t what it’s claiming to be. For example, contrast:

        Biology, Physics, Chemistry etc.
        with
        Political Science, Domestic Science, Sports Science….

        Come to think of it, it seems kind of strange that masturbation doesn’t have “sex” in the title. What would that be? Digital sex? That sounds *awesome*.

        • Yoav

          But I suppose it could be one of those cases where if you have to build the description into the name, then it probably isn’t what it’s claiming to be.
          Like countries that have the word democratic in their names such as the Democratic People Republic of Korea.

          • latsot

            Heh, yes. I wonder if there’s a term for this kind of thing. It sounds like the sort of thing the German language would have a word for,

            I call it Randell’s Law after this chap http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Randell who mentioned something similar when we were talking about whether to rename the computer science department.

            I’d argue that computer science is itself subject to Randell’s Law; a conclusion Brian would probably enjoy. It would be fun to get people all over the web calling it Randell’s Law and crediting him, solely to bemuse him.

        • Michael

          An interesting case of what you are describing (using adjectives to modify a noun to describe something no longer fitting the definition of the noun alone) is the word “generalized,” which can ONLY be used in this way. For example, a “generalized function” is not (in general) a function.

          So in that sense, “oral sex” and “anal sex” could simply be examples of “generalized sex.”

          But even then, even if only vaginal sex were truly “sex,” I think you would have a hard time defending sex as always being for the purpose of reproduction.

          • latsot

            “But even then, even if only vaginal sex were truly “sex,” I think you would have a hard time defending sex as always being for the purpose of reproduction.”

            Yes, it would be pretty perverse to decide that vaginal sex with contraception or when either participant was unable to be a parent is not sex. It’s another case where arbitrary distinctions between A and not A is unhelpful. For the most part, sex is one of those things that you can almost always recognise when you see it, even if you can’t define it in a way that includes all examples and discludes all counter examples.

  • Chris P

    So why does this god guy order up so many spontaneous abortions? If the bible is against it what are all these women to do when the fetus dies on them?

    My wife HAD to have an abortion to survive because the fetus died. I cannot imagine telling her that she had to die too. I cannot imagine any argument as to why I should ignore medical science.

    • claidheamh mor

      Some anti-choice xian broad was ranting on the Bellingham Herald chat about how she was a baby that would have ended up in the toilet. Someone made the adroit rejoinder that well, if she would have ended up in the toilet, then interfering and saving her life was interfering with God’s will.

      If God wanted those babies to die, then you sinful christians have no right to be saving their lives.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ WMDKitty

        Ha! Link to the thread?

    • nazani14

      I, too, know a family where the fetus died, but the mother’s body did not spontaneously expel it. Since this was a military family stationed in Germany, and the US military does not provide any “abortion” services, they had to use up their modest savings traveling to the Netherlands so she could receive medical attention.

  • http://how-to-blogg.blogspot.com/ Hubert

    What if I spill my seed and use a paper towel to clean it up…does that still count as sinful?

    • VidLord

      According to the Catholics if you die before confessing to a child molester, masturbating priest, you will endure all eternity burning in hell – your spirit will feel pain even though “you” no longer have a body or senses. Enjoy.

      • latsot

        So what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t even bother to clean it up?

        OK, can do.

  • latsot

    Ah, the old bonobo’s handshake.

  • http://girlwithwings.tumblr.com JT

    Chris Moore is wonderful!


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