Announcing the 9% Church

You all know me as Dan Florien the Atheist. Those days are gone. I am now Prophet Dan of the 9% Church. Let me tell my story.

A few weeks ago I was alone and pondering financial opportunies in a bad economy. I was sipping a Pepsi and as I looked up, an angel dressed all in orange appeared to me.

“Greetings, Dan” it said.

“Hi.” I replied.

“You are the chosen one, blessed above all men, and I have a message from the Great Lord in the Sky for you.”

“Well let’s hear it,” I said.

The winged freak fumbled around in its pockets and eventually found what looked like a small napkin from a bar, but he called it a “scroll.” That seemed like a stretch to me, but whatever.

The angel read the note in a loud booming voice: “TO THE PROPHET FLORIEN ON EARTH: Hey dude, this is God. Check your email. LOL.”

And then the angel disappeared.

The Email from God

So I went upstairs to my office and checked my email. Lo and behold, there was an email from God. It said:

To: Daniel Florien
From: God
Subject: 9%

Hey Dan, this is God. Srsly. I have important news for you. I know you’re an atheist; no big deal. I am too. Just kidding. Now you have proof that I exist so I doubt that will be a big deal anymore. So here’s the deal:

The current church is corrupt. Not just the Christian church, but all churches and religions. They’re all wrong. Every. Single. One. I keep telling the leaders but they always mark my emails as spam and it’s ticking me off. So that’s why I’m coming to you.

Why are they corrupt? Because they all say the members should be giving 10% or more of their income to the church. That’s outrageous! Way too much. And the poor dumbfuck members keep going along with it. What’s wrong with you people?

The True Number is 9%. Not 10%, not 20%, not 0%. It’s 9%. That’s what I command. It’s what I’ve always commanded but those greedy religious leaders kept adding on an extra percent for themselves.

So this is what I need you to do: start my True Church of 9%. This is the only way into heaven. Everyone else goes straight to hell.

You’ll know how to do it. I believe in you.

Peace out,

God, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, Allah, etc.

What can I say? I was as surprised as any of you. But I saw an angel and I had an email directly from God — I had to obey.

I know you’re all atheists and agnostics and maybe you need more than just my word. So here you go: I have a signed statement from 13 family members saying they saw this email from God. I can even forward the original email to you if you want. That’s better evidence than *any* other religion!

How to Join

So now you’re wondering how to join the 9% Church. I don’t blame you; why would you want to go to hell? So here’s what you need to do. This is a modern church. We don’t need a building. We don’t need an offering plate. We don’t need some guy screaming for an hour.

All we need is a paypal button and faith. Just donate 9% of what you’ve made this year, and you’ll go to heaven. There are no membership fees. Everything else is totally FREE. So if your salary is $40,000, you need to give $3,600. It’s as easy as that.

You don’t want to make baby Jesus cry near his birthday, do you? Then give! Time is running out! You may die tonight! All you have to do is click this button and give!


Still Not Convinced?

Are you still not convinced? Check out these 9% TRUE Testimonials:

“I gave 9% of my income to Prophet Dan and my flu went away! It’s a miracle!”
—Sally in Enbread, WV

“After giving my 9%, I bagged the biggest buck ever! Thanks Dan!”
—Bubba in Woodyback, GA

“You fucking scammer! Who would be so stupid to give you 9% of their income?!?”
—Ted in New York City

“DAN UR AMAZNG!!! I GIVE 9% AND I MET THIS RLY KEWL GIRL!!1! I LUV YOU!”
—Karla in Bowling Green, KY

“my bff said to check this out and i’m so glad i did my feet hurt for yrs but now theyre healed thanks to my 9% thanks profit dan!!”
—Sam in Waco, TX

(Disclaimer: This is a joke of course. If anyone is dumb enough to give me 9% of your income, then I deserve to keep it…)

  • Elemenope

    This is why I drink Coke instead of Pepsi.

    • http://www.thelittlepecan.com thelittlepecan

      Word. Pepsi is teh yuck.

    • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com Skippy

      Infidel. Pepsi is the last great soda revelation. Coke is wretched and is a drink concocted by Satan.

      • UrsaMinor

        Not strictly true. Satan is merely paid to endorse it.

        • Elemenope

          Stealth dyslexia jokes are AWESOME.

          • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty

            *snerk*

    • Daniel Florien

      I actually like both. But I tend to prefer Pepsi b/c it’s slightly sweeter. Coke people seem to really hate Pepsi though.

      • Elemenope

        Well, for one thing, when I sip a Coke, I don’t see angels afterward. :)

        Yeah, Pepsi tastes way too sweet and citrus to me.

        • Daniel Florien

          Come to think of it, maybe it was a Captain and Coke… Hmm…

      • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com Skippy

        I am drinking a Pepsi right now. Of all the things I’ve tried to wean myself off of, Pepsi has been the hardest. I can cut back hard on ice cream. I can cut out cookies and what-not, but a nice tall glass of Pepsi? Is like ambrosia from the gods to me. Frankly, I’ve tried to go to Diet Pepsi, but the best I can do is caffeine free Diet Pepsi (oddly, it’s the one that tastes closest to regular Pepsi to me).

    • Kodie

      Whichever one’s on sale. Right now, coke 12-packs are 4/$10 at stop-n-shop until Christmas Eve, but I would have bought pepsi if it was cheaper at shaw’s. I think maybe they are cheaper in the 2-liters at shaw’s ($0.88) but I can’t remember if it was pepsi or coke, I just like the cans better. Stop-n-shop is a dick, but it’s not terrible enough that I don’t buy soda there if it’s on sale. The church of 7.5% says it doesn’t matter, but if you need to know, I was drinking orange juice when I got the scroll from the *green* angel dude.

    • LRA

      Dude. All y’all are wrong! The correct fizzy drink of choice is Diet Coke!

      • Kodie

        I drink only diet sodas, but I like diet coke, diet pepsi, diet moxie is not as good as regular moxie, diet ginger ale, fresca, polar orange dry, and Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray, which in this big Jew town where they keep all the Jew soda away from other sodas and put it next to the matzos and gefilte fish, I only found one store that sells Cel-Ray, that big dick, Stop-n-Shop, and I don’t think Dr. B even makes the diet Cel-Ray anymore. I tried Tab once, it tasted icky, but I’m not a snob, I’ll even drink store brand, but I don’t like Coke One unless they ran out of diet coke. I tried the “throwback” Pepsi (not diet), and it tasted like the Tab. Not as good as I remember, or that you pretend it tastes better because it’s old and you think sugar makes a big difference. My friend likes the Mexican Coca-Cola but I told him they don’t really use sugar. I don’t know where I heard that when the label says “sugar” it might also mean HFCS because they don’t have a distinction between sugars, or don’t have to specify it on the label anyway. There’s the hippie section of the store with hippie sodas that has a good diet ginger ale, but I forget what it’s called. BD Stop-n-Don’t also has a store brand diet grape soda, because I’d been missing grape soda. I don’t know why the waist watchers etal. only make diet black cherry soda as a flavor other than cola or lemon-lime. Who the EFF drinks black cherry soda? I also don’t like lemon-lime as a soda, 7-up used to be just right but they made it too sprite-like. Root beer and cream soda are ok, but they’re too sweet to be refreshing. I feel like I’m leaving something out. If you have any soda questions or remarks, well, here’s a fun fact – I was picked out at the mall once to do home taste-tests for Crystal Pepsi. One was much crisper than the other, but they didn’t sell that one and that’s why it failed. Grape ginger ale? Tried it, liked it, why don’t the Schweppes people make that anymore? Hate the cranberry. I also think they should stop adding lime or cherry or vanilla to things. I put that stuff in myself sometimes, though. I also prefer sparkling water to plain water, because everything should be carbonated. I have had a lot of diet coke today though. Obvious?

        • LRA

          Crystal Pepsi? EWWWW!!!!!!!! That’s about as gross as New Coke!

          • Kodie

            I had 2 different 6-packs to taste-test at home and answer a questionnaire about it. I only remember remarking that one batch had more carbonation (but not too much – not for me) and I liked it better, but I did taste it again when they started selling it, and it definitely didn’t have enough carbonation. I mean, really, the only difference should be it doesn’t have the color in it to make it brown. I just know between two, one was better and that’s not the one they put on the market.

            My main point is, anyway, there are so many great sodas that I can’t say one is definitely best. I want to remark here that you didn’t say “celery-flavored soda???? EWWWWWW!!!!!!” Which is maybe you didn’t know what cel-ray is, but maybe you did, you just went straight for the most heinous soda on the list, aside from black cherry soda. When I was a kid, we didn’t get much soda in the house – one 2-liter of Pepsi my dad brought home every Friday night for all 5 of us for the whole week, but when I had a field trip at school, my mom bought me a can of black cherry soda for my lunch. I have no idea why they even make that stuff. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t get a choice in the matter. I wonder if soda deprivation makes me love it so much or if it’s just how good it is anyway.

            • LRA

              Celery has flavor?

              LOL!

              Anyhoo- reminds me of Jones’ holiday pack of sodas:

              http://www.jonessoda.com/files/turkey04.html

            • Kodie

              Sadly, I’ve never gotten to try any of those. I had Jones Apple soda once… it was ok. I would try just about any flavor of soda. Yes, celery has a flavor, the cel-ray soda is really good if you like celery, and really terrible if you hate celery, but it doesn’t taste so much like a vegetable that it conflicts with being a sweet carbonated beverage. It is sort of like how ginger ale and other things made from ginger have a spicy flavor that, if you just had tasted ginger (or as part of Asian cuisine), you might not think would taste good in a soda or a cookie, but it does. So, yeah, I am curious about the Jones turkey sodas anyway, except if there’s a cranberry one, I just don’t think cranberries are edible or improve the flavor of anything.

        • Elemenope

          One of the fringe benefits of living in Rhode Island is that it is an extremely common test market for new products (due to its peculiar population density, diversity, and proximity to distribution infrastructure while still being a minor market). I remember when they rolled out Crystal Pepsi as a test balloon when I was a kid, and I remember liking it OK too. Too bad it didn’t catch on.

          • Kodie

            You get moxie there, don’t you? It’s one of those things I try to get for out-of-staters because I know they all hear of it but they don’t get it where they live, and even if they don’t like it, at least they can know what it tastes like and wonder no more.

            • Elemenope

              Yep, we have Moxie at Stop & Shop.

            • Kodie

              BD! I hate that store. :)

            • Elemenope

              Yeah, you mentioned that above, too. Why is that?

            • Kodie

              It’s all the little things that add up that every time I go there, I always think I’m never going back, and then they have something I need and I tell myself it’s not really that bad, I was just having a bad day or something. Today it was the self-check-out. I don’t know why they have a belt, like you can only go shopping with two people or you have to scan everything, pay, and then go bag up your shlt. Some lady comes in behind me and starts trying to swipe her card and I’m still bagging, and she can’t understand that her card won’t work until I take everything off the belt and put it in a bag. They also had coke 4/$10 12-packs, and I got 3 diet coke and 1 ginger ale, and they all came up $3.99, so I got mad that I have to buy 4 exactly the same kind, but they said the $6 will be subtracted on my receipt. Ass-backwards. Plus they don’t have those mozzarella sticks I like anymore.

              I get kind of petty about supermarkets, but there’s a Shaw’s that is conveniently stationed along the green line, but they made me irate when they started re-arranging the whole store. When they finished, it didn’t make any sense. I went in there a few times after, but I have to say it makes me pretty berserk they didn’t have potatoes 2 thanksgivings ago, not just ran out of them, there were no potatoes, that I abandoned my cart and left. The next time I went in there for a plunger on a Saturday evening right after the hardware stores closed, trying to figure where else I could go without a car in one shot that late that was still open that might sell plungers. No plungers. I got one at the bodega up the corner when I got off the train on my way back. Bodegas know city-dwellers might need a plunger late at night. Eff you, that Shaws. All the other Shaws are still ok, but that one’s worse than BD.

              I don’t know, once you have a decent market, it’s easy to see what’s wrong with all the other ones. Nothing’s perfect, but I guess I got spoiled when we got the Hannaford, and I believe Wegman’s is the same company, but in Western NY, Wegman’s was so …. I could write poetry about Wegman’s. Haven’t been to a Hannaford lately, maybe they effed up a good thing eventually too.

        • wintermute

          diet moxie is not as good as regular moxie

          Is that even possible?

          • Kodie

            You mean can anything ever be as good as regular moxie, or you mean like moxie is heinous, so it’s sort of like dividing by zero? Or diet soda being generally inferior to their regular counterparts?

            On most sodas, I prefer diet because I don’t like the way regular sodas coat my teeth, and most of the time, the taste doesn’t bother me, actually the taste of regular sodas become yucky to me, similarly I taste-tested diet coke against coke zero, coke zero might taste more like regular coke (not sure), but I didn’t prefer it to diet coke so I buy diet coke, but I would drink coke zero if they were out of diet coke or it was served at a party or something.

            I had pneumonia this past summer, and all colas tasted flat and too sweet, and I could only drink ginger ale. I thought I could get off the soda for good, but oh well. I don’t buy moxie for myself, it’s not that good. I hear that you either love it or hate it, but that’s not true.

            • wintermute

              You mean can anything ever be as good as regular moxie, or you mean like moxie is heinous, so it’s sort of like dividing by zero? Or diet soda being generally inferior to their regular counterparts?

              I mean (b) and (c). But mostly (b).

  • Kodie

    I got the same email, but it said 7.5%. My true church is only 7.5%!!!! Save 1.5% of your income and join my true church of 7.5%! TODAY. I can send you back in time so you can even do it yesterday!

    • Daniel Florien

      You are a fraud and false profit! No one believe her!

      • Kodie

        My words are true, sorry to spam your blog, but I’ve totally started this church and 92.5% in your pocket is more than 91% – rational decision-makers, the facts are obvious!

    • UrsaMinor

      Six percent! Do I hear six percent? Going once, going twice…

      • Kodie

        Everyone hates 6 because it sounds like sex but it’s not. I don’t think your undercutting skills have done the market research. A perfect god would not have chosen such a lame number. It sounds like you made it up.

        • Danny Wuvs Kittens

          Muzzies charge 2%

          • Danny Wuvs Kittens

            Correction, 2.5%

      • Yoav

        6.5% and we have a deal.

        • UrsaMinor

          Sold! See, Kodie? My undercutting skills are not that bad. You must trust the blind wisdom of the market to settle on a non-lame value at the end.

          • Kodie

            I think you just joined Yoav’s 6.5% church! Good luck with that, sinner!

            • UrsaMinor

              D’oh!

              At least it beats your 7.5%, price-gouger!

            • Kodie

              1% more gets you 100% closer to salvation. I’m not price-gouging for myself! I’m price-gouging to save your soul. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

            • UrsaMinor

              I’m not convinced that salvation is a step function. And I’m more than willing to settle for being only 86.7% saved. The unredeemed 13.3% of me is what gives me that dark, sexy edge.

            • Kodie

              You cannot leap a canyon in two small bounds. That wisdom came from the bible. You can take a bridge or a cable car or a jet pack or a hang-glider, or a zip line, and that’s where the 7.5% comes in, because you get none of those with only 6.5%.

            • UrsaMinor

              Fine. I will devote 100% of my soul to having a dark, sexy edge, and burn in hell for eternity afterwards. Plus I’ll have money left over for beer with the 1% I saved.

            • Len

              This.

  • Mark the Pilgrim

    Do you get to violate my children sexually? Pwetty please?

    • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com Skippy

      Oh, I’m sorry. You want the Catholic Church…or you could become a Pentecostal/charismatic choir director/music minister.

  • faithnomore

    *LIKE!*

  • Danny Wuvs Kittens

    Do you accept sexual favors?

    • http://rockbeyondbelief.com/ japanther

      I think if you are porn star or prostitute, you can donate 9% of your favors. However, judging by your username, I think that is illegal in every state.

      • Danny Wuvs Kittens

        Its legal in 20 states actually(including my own). I’m not into cats though in that way; they’re way to small and finicky, I’m more of a dog person in that regard. I like cats better as pets, and kittens and bunnies especially are, in my opinion, the cutest animals.

        • Yoav

          For some reason Florida have decided to make a distinction for porcupines, so I assume other animals are permitted.

          • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty

            Raping a porcupine has its own built-in consequences.

            • Mogg

              But…I thought the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!!!

            • Custador

              +10 internets for Pratchet reference.

        • Daniel Florien

          Uhhh…. you’re more of a dog person in that regard?

          • Kodie

            What the hey. Dogs are always humping your leg and whatnot, and that’s not illegal. Poodles sort of look like sheep, right?

          • Danny Wuvs Kittens

            Yep. My collie is my favorite partner, since he’s softer, cleaner and cuddlier…to bad he’s a bit claustrophobic…but it still works okay. but I also have a bigger dog…things haven’t worked out well with him, his claws are sharp, he’s too big in a certain area, and he’s too damn rough, I always end up injured in one way or another.

            I’d like to get a female, but I don’t know what size to get or if you can only have fun with them when they’re in heat.

            • http://billym.macabreink.com Billy

              A little part of me just died inside….

            • UrsaMinor

              A large part of me just died laughing.

          • Daniel Florien

            WTF *plugs ears*

            • Kodie

              Let me anoint thy brain with bleach.

    • Daniel Florien

      Like all religious leaders, it really depends on who’s offering.

      • Mark the Pilgrim

        Check Jocelyn Wildenstein…Total MILF.

        Check out her stunning photos here! It will have any pastor/prophet/cleric/rabbi/crazyman doing triple back flips for her.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjNjTPQVSYQ&feature=related

        • Darwin

          I may never get an erection again. Damn you sir, damn you to the nothingness everybody goes to… atheists need better insults.

          • Mark the Pilgrim

            You weren’t supposed to have had an erection in the first place.

            But a good atheist insult? Void sounds okay’ish. But wouldn’t have any weight. “Damn you to the void!”…Nah…I say we just keep hell. It fulfils every need.

            • UrsaMinor

              Too unimaginative, falling back on hell and damn.

              You should express a wish for someone to void himself.

            • Darwin

              Is this what we have come to? Poop jokes?

            • Kodie

              A lot of people are fond of “Die in a fire,” but I’m not, since I did once, almost, well, nearly almost. When I was a kid, I had a classmate up at the back of the block whose house caught on fire and his dad died in it. Another classmate when we were older accidentally set his house on fire while having a party when his parents were on a cruise and his dog died, and I think his parents killed him when they came home, effectively dying as a result of a fire… they didn’t really kill him, maybe he went to military school. And we’re all still pretty upset here about the nightclub with the pyrotechnics that got out of control and all the people who were killed. I’d forgotten all about that (Never Forget) when I was mad at my neighbors upstairs yesterday or the day before – especially never wish upon your neighbors in the same apartment building as you to die in a fire. It’s not just cruel.

              It would be better to wish they might slip in their shower, but “go to hell” is really just another way to say “die in a fire,” but wishing them to poop their pants hurts nobody, except maybe people who have gastrointestinal diseases where that happens to them sometimes. We shouldn’t make light of the suffering of others. “I hope your house keys fall down the sewer grate!” “I hope you forgot to make a backup of your itunes and your computer dies!” (except then they will go make copies of their house keys and backup their music files). No really good atheist insults.

            • Michael

              lulz

              The ultimate reply: “That’s not funny, my brother died that way!.”

        • Len

          In the Kurt Russel film Escape from LA (the 1996 outing for Snake Plissken, after Escape from New York in 1981) they are some nurses (working for the evil doctor, obviously) who have had so much plastic surgery on their faces that they look quite a lot like this lady.

          Pretty prophetic, but not pretty.

        • JK

          I’m gonna sue your pants off for this!

          I almost got a heart attack when I saw pictures of that alien (you sure thats a human being – and a woman?).

          OMFSM.

  • claidheamh mor

    What a hoot. It really does link to Paypal. I think your success is on the upswing, but if you ever fall on hard times….

    Of course, Paypal isn’t *letting* me do it for Wikileaks.

    I once sent an email excoriating Rob Brezsny of freewillastrology for outright pathetic tacky begging on his site, just putting up a link and saying “please send me money”. In contrast to his writing-false-front of making love to the universe blah blah, his reply was really heavy-handedly sarcastic. Not something you’d expect from an advanced being. As Dilbert said in yesterday’s funnies: “Uh-oh. My common sense has wounded your ego and made you defiant.”

  • random dude

    Damn, I read the disclaimer after donating. Where’s my money?

    • Daniel Florien

      Helping me go on a cruise! Thanks!

      • http://theskippyreview.wordpress.com Skippy

        No, no, Daniel. The Acceptable Response was, “Helping me help starving, depressed and abused children in some African nation that I just made up because, really, don’t we all think that all of sub-Saharan Africa is just one big festering pile of starving, depressed and abused children?”

        • Kodie

          He is on a cruise to save them from an imminent flood.

          • Len

            Checking out the ark.

  • http://rationallythinkingoutloud.wordpress.com/ J. Jerrald Hayes

    Ya stole my friggin idea.

    Well I guess I’ll just have to find a scam or con I can build in the “Noetic Sciences” realm.

  • http://argama.deviantart.com/ Sunny Ng
    • Kodie

      I have to believe that napkin.

      • UrsaMinor

        Ditto. It contains far fewer contradictions than the Bible. Sorry, Daniel, I’m converting to Napkinism.

  • objectifier

    The FSM appeared to me just moments ago and declared that all true and faithful pastafarians should hunt down Dan and boil him in salted water, with a touch of olive oil, until he sticks to the wall when thrown, then he is to be coated in spaghetti sauce. FSM said it is our choice as to whether we use meatballs, meat sauce or a vegetarian sauce, as long as the false prophet is deposed.

    • Daniel Florien

      I don’t like your god. Perhaps you misinterpreted him?

      • nazani14

        Nope, I heard him too. It came upon a midnight clear: “Let him (you) be as linguini unto my faithful.”

        • UrsaMinor

          Ha! The True FSM would have also specified that he is to be served with a good chianti! Your lies are exposed!

          • Mike

            The FSM – may you be touched by His Noodly Appendage – is far too nice to have anyone boiled. And who’d want to eat Dan anyway. Roast leg of heretic? No thanks.

  • cynic

    the B is for bargain

  • mikespeir

    I’m, with Ted.

  • Thegoodman

    I’ll send the money if you promise to have at least 10% less corruption (embezzlement, child molestation, etc..).

    Thanks!

    • Daniel Florien

      I GAR-UN-TEE IT!

  • http://billym.macabreink.com Billy

    LOL nice!

  • Len

    I guess God’s IP address is 0.0.0.0 (ie, not there.not there.not there.not there)

  • http://nonamills.co.cc/ Nona Mills

    Fine. I will devote 100% of my soul to having a dark, sexy edge, and burn in hell for eternity afterwards. Plus I’ll have money left over for beer with the 1% I saved.

  • http://www.worldnpa.org/php2/index.php?tab0=Scient socratus

    If your god is dead, try mine.

    God as a Scientist : Ten Scientific Commandments.
    ==.
    Can God be explained by Physical formulas and laws?
    I think ‘ Yes’ , we can understand God’s Nature by Physical
    formulas and laws. I think God has given to us everything
    that necessary to understand Him and His Genesis using
    Physical Laws and Formulas.
    ===.
    Scheme.
    Ten Scientific Commandments: Fundamental Theory of Existence.

    1 The infinite vacuum T=0K. ( background energy space: E ).
    2 The particle:
    C/D = pi, R/N= k , E = Mc^2 = kc^2 , h = 0 , i^2= -1
    3 The spins: h =E/t , h =kb, h* = h/2pi
    4 The photon, the inertia
    5 The electron: e^2 = h*ca, E = h*f , electromagnetic field
    6 The gravitation, the star, the time and space
    7 The Proton
    8
    The Evolution of interaction between Electron and Proton
    a) electromagnetic
    b) nuclear
    c) biological
    9
    The Laws
    a) The Law of conservation and transformation energy/mass
    b) The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle / Law
    c) The Pauli Exclusion Principle/ Law
    10
    The test.
    Every theory must be tested logically ( theoretical ) and practically
    a) Theory : Dualism of Consciousness: (consciousness / unconsciousness)
    b) Practice : Parapsychology. Meditation.
    ========.
    Best wishes
    Israel Sadovnik Socratus
    ============.
    #
    The secret of God, Soul and Existence is hidden
    in ‘ Vacuum and Quantum of Light Theory ’.
    ==========..
    #
    I want to know how God created this world
    I am not interested in this or that phenomenon,
    in the spectrum of this or that element
    I want to know His thoughts; the rest are details
    /Einstein/
    ==========.

    http://www.worldnpa.org/php2/index.php?tab0=Scientists&tab1=Display&id=1372

    • Francesc

      Quack, quack quack?

      • Kodie

        Atheists Duck Church.

        Get it?

  • Eudaimonist

    God really stung it to you with that “I believe in you” bit.

  • Pingback: From Christianity to… Islam? | Unreasonable Faith

  • http://www.robertkosten.de Robert Kosten

    Should’ve tracert the originating host, you might’ve gained relevant data on the gateways of “heaven”. Might’ve changed by now… I wonder what their DMZ setup looks like? E.g. whether the perly gates are really implemented in that abomination of a language… Or whether petrus.heaven.org does kerberos…

    • http://www.robertkosten.de Robert Kosten

      make that .com, my bad, should’ve been obvious…

  • Richard

    Reminds me of my method of alternating my consciousness to higher levels. When I do it I see God with carbonating bubbles. You too can do this. Except for Thursdays, it works all the time for me.

    Line up 20 small Dixie paper cups and fill 19 of them with Coke. Fill the last one with Pepsi. Put about 3 ounces in each cup. Slowly drink all the cups with Coke. Then drink the last one with the Pepsi. You will experience a slight change in the carbonation that will alter your senses, heighten your consciousness, and . . . whammo, God will appear!

    If you don’t see God, try it again substituting Pepsi for Coke. And sip slowly. You may have to try this technique a few times before it works. But once it works, you will find yourself excusing yourself for belching before Jesus.

    But don’t worry, God will forgive you.


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