You all know me as Dan Florien the Atheist. Those days are gone. I am now Prophet Dan of the 9% Church. Let me tell my story.
A few weeks ago I was alone and pondering financial opportunies in a bad economy. I was sipping a Pepsi and as I looked up, an angel dressed all in orange appeared to me.
“Greetings, Dan” it said.
“Hi.” I replied.
“You are the chosen one, blessed above all men, and I have a message from the Great Lord in the Sky for you.”
“Well let’s hear it,” I said.
The winged freak fumbled around in its pockets and eventually found what looked like a small napkin from a bar, but he called it a “scroll.” That seemed like a stretch to me, but whatever.
The angel read the note in a loud booming voice: “TO THE PROPHET FLORIEN ON EARTH: Hey dude, this is God. Check your email. LOL.”
And then the angel disappeared.
The Email from God
So I went upstairs to my office and checked my email. Lo and behold, there was an email from God. It said:
To: Daniel Florien
Hey Dan, this is God. Srsly. I have important news for you. I know you’re an atheist; no big deal. I am too. Just kidding. Now you have proof that I exist so I doubt that will be a big deal anymore. So here’s the deal:
The current church is corrupt. Not just the Christian church, but all churches and religions. They’re all wrong. Every. Single. One. I keep telling the leaders but they always mark my emails as spam and it’s ticking me off. So that’s why I’m coming to you.
Why are they corrupt? Because they all say the members should be giving 10% or more of their income to the church. That’s outrageous! Way too much. And the poor dumbfuck members keep going along with it. What’s wrong with you people?
The True Number is 9%. Not 10%, not 20%, not 0%. It’s 9%. That’s what I command. It’s what I’ve always commanded but those greedy religious leaders kept adding on an extra percent for themselves.
So this is what I need you to do: start my True Church of 9%. This is the only way into heaven. Everyone else goes straight to hell.
You’ll know how to do it. I believe in you.
God, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, Allah, etc.
What can I say? I was as surprised as any of you. But I saw an angel and I had an email directly from God — I had to obey.
I know you’re all atheists and agnostics and maybe you need more than just my word. So here you go: I have a signed statement from 13 family members saying they saw this email from God. I can even forward the original email to you if you want. That’s better evidence than *any* other religion!
How to Join
So now you’re wondering how to join the 9% Church. I don’t blame you; why would you want to go to hell? So here’s what you need to do. This is a modern church. We don’t need a building. We don’t need an offering plate. We don’t need some guy screaming for an hour.
All we need is a paypal button and faith. Just donate 9% of what you’ve made this year, and you’ll go to heaven. There are no membership fees. Everything else is totally FREE. So if your salary is $40,000, you need to give $3,600. It’s as easy as that.
You don’t want to make baby Jesus cry near his birthday, do you? Then give! Time is running out! You may die tonight! All you have to do is click this button and give!
Still Not Convinced?
Are you still not convinced? Check out these 9% TRUE Testimonials:
“I gave 9% of my income to Prophet Dan and my flu went away! It’s a miracle!”
—Sally in Enbread, WV
“After giving my 9%, I bagged the biggest buck ever! Thanks Dan!”
—Bubba in Woodyback, GA
“You fucking scammer! Who would be so stupid to give you 9% of their income?!?”
—Ted in New York City
“DAN UR AMAZNG!!! I GIVE 9% AND I MET THIS RLY KEWL GIRL!!1! I LUV YOU!”
—Karla in Bowling Green, KY
“my bff said to check this out and i’m so glad i did my feet hurt for yrs but now theyre healed thanks to my 9% thanks profit dan!!”
—Sam in Waco, TX
(Disclaimer: This is a joke of course. If anyone is dumb enough to give me 9% of your income, then I deserve to keep it…)