God Hates Checkered Whiptail Lizards!!!

This is too funny. I can’t believe someone took the time to write all this and print it. But I’m glad they did.


Bob Cargill on the Holy Grail
You Can't Keep a Bad Man Down
Where the Fire Comes From
Meet The Wife
  • FO

    Awesome! O_O

    • Bob

      I heard there are a number of species that can do this,, I watched a documentary film about hammer head sharks,,, female,, isolated alone in a cage,, gave birth,,,, no sign of dna from a male hammer head,,,

      no one knows the extent of creation, not mentioned in words in scripture,,

      • Chris Booth

        It is Virgin Birth.

        Hammerhead? Its even a carpenter shark. And, hammerheads schul….

        • Len

          By Richard Branson?

      • Zerkezhi


        I swam into town on an ass…your momma’s ass.


        • Phred

          Shark Jesus: Hey Jimmy, why don’t you come swimming with me and my friends? You won’t need a snorkel.

          Jimmy: Eff you Shark Jesus

  • http://nonplussedbyreligion.tumblr.com/ Kim

    The most awesome thing I’ve seen all day :D

  • Dale


  • Amie B

    Wait, this was a real publication put out by someone who was seriously against a LIZARD? It wasn’t a joke??

    • AssassinGrl

      Amie, I think it was a real publication put out by someone seriously p0wning the homophobes that usually print this sort of thing.

      • SteveInMI

        You can tell because it’s spelled correctly.

        • nl

          well observed, SteveInMI

          • Ellie


        • Golkarian


    • Steve

      Idiot. It’s a parody. And a good one.

  • http://truthandoblivion.blogspot.com ikonografer


  • Nikita

    I love the crying bald eagle. <3

    • thomasblair

      Crying? I just assumed one of those female demon lizards was playing the male role and became confused, as demon lizards are wont to do.

  • Tom

    ……. and they exchanged the truth of God for a lie.

    • Custador

      Damn you, Poe’s Law! DAMN YOU!

    • Brian K

      Tom for the Anti-Win.

    • Adamf

      There ain’t no god, it aint truth, and you are a pathetic bleater.

      • John C

        Yes there is friend, but you can’t know/see Him in (y)our own dim light (my own light is just as dim). Its only in His Light that we can know/see in truth (Ps 36:9). He freely offers you this Light, this Christ (John 1:4, Prov 4:18). Would you humble yourself so low that you may see UP so high? The kingdom is a paradox. You can know, yes sir.

        • SteveInMI

          Hooray for imaginary friends!

        • DR

          It is you who blaspheme the name of our Lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, with your evil wiles and quoting of false scripture. Repent, and ask Him for forgiveness, lest your noodles be overcooked, and let his Noodly Appendage touch you.

          • NoodlesforBrains

            I’ve been touched by the noodly appendage and saved! Praise the Lord!

            • Charles Soto


        • Fleegman


          Did you know that there are people in this world who believe in their imaginary being every bit as much as you believe in yours? I know that you believe your imaginary being is real, but they do as well, and they key point is that they believe in different imaginary beings. This means you both can’t be right, and you can both be wrong.

          For these other deluded individuals – I’m sure you must agree they are deluded, since they don’t believe in your imaginary being – their imaginary being is just as real to them as yours is to you.

          Do you see what I’m saying, here? I’m saying that when you talk to us about your imaginary being, we think of this entity in exactly the same way as you look upon the imaginary beings of the other religions in the world.

          I don’t care if this particular imaginary being is IN you, on you, or under you. Since it’s not real, it makes no frickin’ difference. And that really is a key point, here, John. The bit about it not being real.

          • John C

            Yes, we will always reflect the nature of the reality which we are most aware of and you are (currently) aware of yours, not His, friend and this is the sad plight of all mankind, ie its ‘fallen-ness’ hence ‘Thy kingdom come in our earth’, in our awareness making His truth, His higher reality ours too for ‘you shall know the Truth and (the consequence of knowing it) shall MAKE you (go) free’! Oh you didn’t know you weren’t already free? Being a ‘freethinker’ and all? ;)

            Ha, all the best Fleegman sir!

            • Dan

              Your grammar is atrocious!

            • Nuno Coelho

              Gosh, John C! Do you do all your thinking with that head? Well, that goes a long way towards explaining the pervasiveness of religion, I guess.

            • Noah

              what I’d really like to know, John C, is your opinion on these satanic lizards! Do they endanger your life? your marriage? have any of them tried to convert you to their homosexuality? Is this currently the greatest threat to America?
              Help me see the light John C

            • Fleegman


              John, talking with you is like trying to have a discussion with a garden sprinkler:

              Me: There is no evidence for your god, or any gods, for that matter. I think it’s unreasonable, therefor, to believe in one.
              Sprinkler: *splosh*
              Me: Eh? You realise that as an argument, splashing me with water doesn’t make any sense, right?
              Sprinkler: *splosh*
              Me: You’re not making any sense!
              Sprinkler: *splosh*
              Me: …
              Sprinkler: *splosh*

              Are you capable of saying anything someone here might consider coherent, or are you just going to continue to splosh your insanity in our direction?

              All the best,

          • John C

            Thanks Fleegman. For starters, perhaps the best non-religious, simple rendering I’ve ever read for man’s true origins, story, value, etc, can be found in Andre Rabe’s online document titled ‘You Are Valuable Beyond Measure’. Its not long. If you want to check that out, see if you care to embark upon such a journey with me (I don’t care much for ‘debate’, ask around) then I’d be more than happy to explore things with you further. It’s a better choice than me rambling on here (I’ve never done that before, have I guys? ha). It starts out simple, will naturally be initially offensive to the grown up, reasoning mind but stick with it until you get to the ‘meatier’ parts, its a true word, friend.

            You can read it here at http://www.scribd.com/andrerabe/d/79685790-You-Are-Valuable

            All the best.

            • http://fugodeus.com Nox

              The main thing you have to understand to understand John C is this:

              He’s not trying to make sense.

              He doesn’t fail to present a rational argument. He doesn’t attempt to present a rational argument. His intention isn’t logic. It’s poetry.

            • Jess

              Thanks for the link, John. That was funnier than the lizard leaflet. You actually think that’s useful?

              I’m still waiting for the “meatier” part of the content. Where’s the part that actually gives something other than meaningless drivel with nothing to back it up?

            • John C

              Only your heart response is that which can, as you say, ‘back it up’ since He is looking for those who long to ‘come alive’ again inwardly, in that relation to Him, Jess. All the best.

            • Kodie

              Keep in mind that John doesn’t think he’s religious, so bear that in mind when looking at a pamphlet that he describes as non-religious. I haven’t read the document, but John C persistently expresses that he hates religion as much as we do, that having religion is not the same as being indwelled by the spirit. If you’re trying to have any substantial back-and-forth discussion with him how there’s no evidence for a god, he’ll act like a sprinkler.

            • Kodie

              Not only that, but he swoops in and tries to evangelize everyone new who shows up. I’ve never seen him link to a pamphlet.


              Do you see what I’m saying, here?

              To my knowledge, he has never acknowledged that he understands the sort of argument you presented or any other logical thing. He deflects and counters it with his mush. Once in a while, he makes a painful joke.

            • Fleegman

              Thanks for the heads-up Kodie. I’ll keep that in mind. In some ways the I’m-not-religious religious folk are worse than the simply religious folk. They’re even more arrogant and smug, if that’s possible…

              No offense, John ;o)

              At least he’s polite and crazy. Rude and crazy is simply the worst, heh.

            • Greg Garrard

              Dear John C,
              As an atheist and a socialist (don’t worry – it’s a European thing) who’s professionally fascinated by gay animals, I completely disagree with you, probably about everything. But I’d like to commend you for your restraint in the face of some rather serious taunting. Way too much discussion on blog sites is just gratuitous insults traded by anonymous posters, and it doesn’t get us anywhere.
              PS Do love the lizards leaflet though. Are you amused or not, John C?

            • John C

              Thanks Greg but that was nothing, you should have been around here three years ago if you want to witness a lesson in ‘restraint’ ha. Love is the only remaining law, friend. (Rom 13:8) and God is love and Love simply…loves, regardless.

              Question for you (which will likely test your own restraint, ha, but well-intended) why have you heaped these various titles upon yourself, ie ‘atheist’ and ‘socialist’, who told you that they defined you? You did right? Are you sure they’re the Truth, the very and original essence of your being? Or is it possible that you, like Lot did when he parted company from Abraham ‘chose for yourSelf” and pitched your ‘tent’ (inward dwelling/reality/consciosness) toward Sodom (away from God, opposite the Truth) yet in innocence/unknowingly?

              Just wondering, probing, posing the question. All the best, Greg.

          • druidlens

            You forgot Up You.

        • Patrick

          Praise Allah!

  • Bertrand T Russell

    The only Real threat to traditional Family values is…….. the ”DREADED CHRITIANITY”……….. It makes the Human Brain shrivel………. as if infected by disease…!

  • Glenn Davey

    I think a Christian would look at this and say “God made these lizards to procreate that way. At least they’re making babies. That’s NATURAL. Faggots and dykes can’t make ANY BABIES!!!!!!!! IT”S UNNATURAL!!!”

    So.. ALL those pages with ALL that work that’s gone into them is a complete and utter misguided waste of time and energy. It’s not funny, it misses its mark, and it takes pages and pages of crap to miss it.

    • CACollins

      Sorry, I thought it was funnier than hell. Sorry it didn’t make you giggle, hope you find a poe that does.

    • giffy

      It made me laugh and making me laugh is hardly a waste of time.

    • Noelle

      Aw Glenn, you really are a hard nut to crack. We’ll find something else to tickle the old funny bone.

    • David R

      Sooo… you’re just mad all the time and damnit you’re gonna stay that way. You must be a gas at parties.

    • The Doctor

      If it is unnatural for homosexual behaviors to occur, then why is it so prolific in nature across so many species? Why are there probands identified for male homosexual behavior in the human genome (http://www.omim.org/entry/306995)? Moreover, as it has been identified by Adams and colleagues (1996), seemingly heterosexual males that were higher in homophobia were significantly more aroused by male homosexual pornography as indicated through penile plethysmography (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8772014). Now, would the general public consider a man calling “Faggots” and “Dykes” “UNNATURAL” a person high in homophobia, or just an illiterate?

      • Noelle

        and another person who doesn’t get the satire

        • The Doctor

          And another person that doesn’t see that it is not okay to say those words, in jest or for illustrative purposes.

          • Noelle

            Ah, you are suggesting that some things are too serious or sacred to be used as satire. And you are postulating that this particular example has gone over the line.

          • Elemenope

            Do you have a handy list of other things we aren’t allowed to say, even if we’re just kidding?

            • Noelle

              I’m thinking it might be a bad idea to give us the list. 7 dirty words and all

            • Elemenope

              Somehow I get the sense that TheDoctor’s list would be a great deal longer than Carlin’s.

            • Noelle

              Well now I definitely want to see it.

          • Noelle

            Or are you saying that Glenn’s irritable comment using the slurs ironically is offensive? Because those aren’t the words from the lizard thing up there. That’s him doing his rendition of something else.

          • Kodie

            It is ok, though. If you don’t use the words that bigoted people use to illustrate what a bigoted person would say, nobody would know what the hell you’re talking about.

          • UrsaMinor

            “Faggot” has no power to wound me because I give it none.

            • Custador

              I like me some faggot. Served with mashed potatoes, garden peas and onion gravy for preference. Why on Earth a bunch of Septic Tanks decided that using the name of a pork and liver meatball as a pejorative was a good idea is beyond my ken, frankly!

            • Noelle

              Does it mean meatball anywhere other than the UK? I thought it meant bundle of sticks.

            • Elemenope

              It’s actually a remarkably flexible word, making it all the worse that it has officially been ruined beyond repair here in the US by hateful asshats.

              To be fair, it had misogynistic pejorative meanings long before it had homophobic ones, so it always had a bad element in its history.

            • Jabster


              Not that I know of …

              Still I always have a chuckle when Fred Phelps and his cronies have signs with God hates fags. I always thought he would be more of a cigar person so maybe they’re right on one thing.

            • Noelle

              If only all the power of hurtful words could be redirected into the humble meatball, the world would be an interesting place.

            • Kodie

              Then people would just call each other “meatball” and ruin another word. People will never stop looking for innovative ways to insult other people.

            • LRA
    • GreyBunny

      I’m a Christian, and I think this is hilarious. Some of my nearest and dearest family and friends are gay, and some have had children through adoption and through donors/surrogates, and they’re better behaved than a lot of kids I see who are products of a “traditional” family.

      Not all Christians are the same. A lot of us believe in evolution, and a lot of us are in the scientific community. I believe in God because there’s such a grand and beautiful design in everything around us that I don’t believe it can be random. I also believe that He must have one hell of a sense of humor.

      Go ahead and keep poking the bears who say that “God hates (fill in the blank)”. He wouldn’t have made whatever it is if He didn’t approve, and all the bad stuff on Earth is a product of man trying to second-guess Him. “Poke the Bear” is pretty entertaining in itself, especially since it takes so little effort.

  • Molly

    ohmydeargod this is hilarious.

    • Travis

      Molly, I was just gonna forward this to you!

      • Molly

        I’ve been repeating the phrase “homoerotic bulldyke carpet munch humping” to myself and just randomly falling into laughter.

        • Michael

          I need to figure out a way to work that phrase into a conversation today. Also, “lesbionic” is my new favorite word.

  • skm9

    Excellent. Awesome.

  • http://thedevilwearsdocmartens.blogspot.com/ DevilWearsDocMartens

    Fucking awesome! That was the most hilarious thing I have seen this year! I would gladly give a medal to whomever came up with this, ’cause damn! Lmao! :,)

  • JenniferT

    Magnificent. I hope there’s a PDF of this somewhere, I’d love to print off a few copies and sneak them into the local churches.

    • Deeelaaach

      Jennifer, you can find a pdf printer (open source) at sourceforge.net. PDFPrinter is it’s name, but don’t install the toolbar – it installs tracking software.

      • Deeelaaach

        Also, you can right click and do save as… The last page also seems to list contact information: lamplight20@gmail.com I believe. Whomever did this has a lot of time on their hands – and a wicked sense of humor! I LOVE IT!

  • Grandma Julie

    O.M.G.! (Shakes head in disbelief) “Is there no limit to this freaking ignorance???” . . .Never thought I’d live long enough to see such crap. Seems like it just piles up, with every passing day! I guess some folks have nothing more intellectually elevating to occupy their feeble little skulls.

    • Lily

      Ma’am, they aren’t actually protesting lizards, it is satire.

    • kholdom0790

      OK….calm down and appreciate the joke. And FWIW, common abbreviations don’t need periods between the letters on the internet.

  • Kissy Darling

    Okay people. This is a joke. Stop taking it seriously. :/

    As a God-fearing woman, I find this…
    Hilarious. This is probably the funniest thing I have EVER seen! Well, almost. But it definitely made my day. Whoever took the time to do this just for a laugh is awesome! Hahaha! :D Definitely made my day, and it totally describes what the name “Christianity” has turned into today.
    But seriously. This is hilarious. XDD

  • UrsaMinor

    As Alan Morgan phrased it, “Any sufficiently advanced parody is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.”

    • http://www.awaypoint.wordpress.com Valerie Tarico

      Yes. Brilliant quote to go with a brilliant parody. Tangentially, is it possible that Santorum a parody? Rather than focusing on job creation our government has been brought to it’s knees by the innate evil of sex

  • LRA


    Sex is never straight up in nature. (You see what I did there??? LOL!) There are all kinds of reproduction.

  • LOL

    “Notice the uncanny resemblance to the serpent that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden.”

    Good job guys, you figured out what a reptile looks like.

    This is stupidly hilarious. I died laughing XD

  • Mae

    “We must speak up and explain to these lizards that their inborn sexuality is wrong.”
    And convince them to use turkey basters instead. LOL!

  • Nathan Hevenstone

    Where can I get a print copy? This is the greatest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

  • Daniel Kretchmar

    ROTFLMAO!!!! Where can I get a copy of this?!?!

  • Liz Whiptails

    Of course, if we even mention birth control…

    • giffy

      You ever put a lizard in a condom? Or shove pills down its throat? Guess what heathen? It suffocates. That’s what happens when you turn away from God’s female-cum-male that’s really a female, but not right now, because its baby making time, plan for approved and holy sexual encounters.

      Thankfully there are godly men like Rick Santorum who are not afraid to speak out on the dangers of lizard birth control.

      • Noelle

        2 days later, and thanks to you I’m still getting visions of lizards in condoms.

  • UXO

    Awesome. This made me laugh, and offset (if only a little) the unhappiness and outrage I felt after reading this earlier today.

  • Joel Hess

    Oddly enough, I was just reading about asexual reproduction in bdelloid rotifers in Richard Daswkins’ The Ancestor’s Tale.

  • http://www.bluefrogdesignstudios.com/thebluefrogsays/ The Big Blue Frog

    Has anyone tracked down the artist? I would love to have this as a PDF. I’d print copies and leave them in the restrooms.

    • Epinephrine

      Yes! Must have .pdf!

    • Tamanowis

      The program ‘Jing’ easily allows the saving of screenshots and videos so you can print them yourself. Jing.com, I suppose…..

  • Wilfred

    This is a hoax. Just read the bible references he gives.

    • Custador

      Are you… Are you serious? I just… Wow. Time to get your Satire Detector a tune-up, my friend!

    • David R

      Seriously… you had to look up the Bible verses to figure out it was a hoax?

  • Alex

    That is amazing. Whoever made that is great.
    (Also, the face of spiritual destitution is adorable!)

  • Justin Case

    I’ve wondered why the fundies haven’t realized that god makes people who have two sets of genitals – one male and one female. Clearly this isn’t a CHOICE, yet it isn’t clear who they can and cannot marry, legally, in all states. Why does god DO this to us? Or is it the work of Satan, and god doesn’t have the power to stop it?

  • InProgress46

    I love to watch the Discovery Channel just as much as the next person. I believe in God and I also believe every person has a right to choose their life path. But Damn, this stuff scares me. That someone would connect a natural act of certain animals to Humans choices and somehow the Devil is involved is way beyond ridiculously crazy. I pray this person doesn’t decide one day that he is a chosen one to bring light to non-believers and start shooting! God help us all and I do mean ALL.

    • Custador

      Dude, have you also completely missed the fact that the guy was mocking the religious by doing exactly what religious people do?

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2012/02/god-hates-checkered-whiptail-lizards/ Marge34

    I’m not Christian, so I don’t understand how the sex-for-reproduction-only thing works. For example, I have a friend who is a straight male and married to a straight female. They very much wanted to have kids but he, apparently, doesn’t have a high enough sperm count. They tried invetro, no go. So, can they still have sex? I’m honestly curious.

  • Roman

    Yep; HUNDREDS of species get their rocks off like this now and then, people. It’s NATURAL.

    Great article, great comments! ;D

  • Neil

    Thank (insert some un-named higher being here) “A Modest Proposal” wasn’t published in today’s environment. The number of people who cannot recognize satire is truly frightening. For those of you you do not know what “A Modest Proposal” is, look it up.

    • CMT

      “A Modest Proposal” drew its own spate of attacks for “encouraging” a cruel and ghastly idea. I think that a good measure of how much a society needs satire is how easily that satire is mistaken as real!

    • GreyBunny

      That didn’t go down too well in the 18th century, either. Satire is a fairly sophisticated form of humor, so you’ve got to know your audience: small brains need not apply.

  • tim b

    I knew this was a satire because too many of the words are spelled right.

  • http://Carnasso Peter

    How funny!!! Though I don’t see why it is so violently anti Christian, I’m Christian, orthodox, and I believe God never hated love between wo every it is. Jesus teaches us to love each other, and sex is only secondary. It was the Jewish rabbies who were homophobic haters, because they had complexes , just like their Islamic cousins… So it really is not accurate, but who cares, it’s funny lol

    • Asura

      “It was the Jewish rabbies who were homophobic haters, because they had complexes , just like their Islamic cousins”

      Ahahaha, ahaha, aha.

      **** you.

      How detached are you from what reality actually is? All of you cults engage in rampant bigotry. And the people who pass out the most flyers? Christians.

  • John Phillips, FCD

    This very definitely goes all the way up to eleven.

  • john dow

    Damn Poe’s law indeed. It is satire. The bible verses quoted are about burying shit and clothing the poor.

  • Steve

    Hey, I’m an abortion, and I’m doing ok.

  • Randi

    wow, some people have lots of spare time to be really creative. hope to rediscover that kind of time myself, someday.

  • ash

    Well the halarious thing about such a satire is when it comes to these nutjobs, you can’t always tell!

  • Bielz

    I wonder what the Fundies would make of Miastor midges?

    They make these lizards look like Baptist preachers.

    • Len

      They make these lizards look like Baptist preachers.

      Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

  • Tamanowis

    ‘Faggot’ burns like a hot ember.

    • Custador

      But like I said, they taste great with onion gravy. Words are fascinating things.

      • Noelle

        Does anything not taste great with gravy?

        • GreyBunny

          Ice cream.

          • John Richards

            Isn’t hot fudge really just gravy for ice cream?

            • michael


  • michael

    I used to take dogs name in vane, sorry gods name in vain dam typo. However I learned if you really want to stop something you remove it from your language and hence your thoughts. For example in my previous life i would scream fucking jesus fucking christ when something went wrong . This served two purposes. ONE I thought it was helping to disrupt and offend the God bothers around me and TWO to distance me from the topic of religion. However i have learned that never refer to god or jesus ever in any conversation and find alternatives to you rantings against secularised religion. Soon it dissappears and so does god, just like that. Don’t even do your self an in justice to even engage in a conversation with someone who is a believer or non believer for that matter wipe it from the record. its easy we do it all the time.

  • jean gerard

    me and my boyfriend professionally train gay lizards to perform in musicals, however, the komodo dragons we use at present are somewhat unruly, would you be so kind as to direct me to somewhere from which i could purchase a number of these gay lizards?