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Checkmate again, atheists.
Best answer is saying they’re allergic to stupidity.
Hm. Maybe I’m actually a vampire. Burn like a crispy thing in the sun? Check. Trouble with garlic? Check. Aversion to religion? Check. Allergic to stupidity? Check. Disgusted by Edward “McSparklypants” Cullen as a disgrace to all vampiredom? Check. Never drink wine? Check. Tasty, tasty blood? Hm. Maybe not so much…. Ohwell. At any rate, my spidey-sense is tingling that somewhere, a seriously wrong tree is being hilariously barked up, causing entirely necessary gales of derisive laughter. And somewhere, a chess Grand Master is putting his fist through something over the flagrant abuse of the term “checkmate.”
What were vampires afraid of before Jesus?
Maybe they aren’t afraid of Jesus, but of being crucified. I’m scared shitless of being crucified.
Apparently they were afraid of images of Sumerian gods. Not sure about the Greek ones.
Perhaps vampires are just tired of fundie Christians preaching at them, so when they see a bright-eyed, cross-wielding fanatic coming towards them they choose to make themselves scarce. Just like the rest of us.
IF THE SÍDHE AREN’T REAL, WHY DO LEPRECHAUNS HAVE GOLD UNDERNEATH THE RAINBOW?
Looks like it’s last call — *Sunglasses* — for Abhartach. (YEAAAAAAAAAAH!)
Don’t you know it’s because the Devil wants you to stray from Christ ?
So much win…
Vampires just hate math.
what about Jewish vampires?
There aren’t any. We guilt ourselves out of existence the moment we’re turned.
What’s sad is that there are people out there who would think this is a real argument for Jesus. It’s their version of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ – Jewish zombies beat bloodsuckers!
Really? You wish it would be that easy.
Vampires don’t even exist, so this is a vain attempt at proving nothing.
Thank you for pointing that out for the other humor-impaired members of our audience. We know that not everyone is equipped to detect parody, but sometimes we forget to mark it explicitly on the post and they take us seriously.
And it was worth posting just to elicit this response ;)
Especially the “vain attempt at proving nothing” part. So if your effort to prove nothing was in vain, what did you accidentally end up proving, Daniel? I’m confused…
If vampires don’t exist how come they’re in TV shows and films all the time then – did they just make them up too?
“vein attempt” would’ve been even better
I’ve read really old books with vampires as characters.
They must be real!
Alright, what’s going on in this thr…. Oh for goodness sake :-/
u can’t ban all of us
I’m so dissapointed in you all. I’m away a couple of weeks, and everything turns to slapstick.
Welcome back Custy,
How did the move go?
It was about a 9.0 on my stress-o-meter. I’m not really back yet, though – Another week until broadband lands.
Is that a 9.0 out of 10, or does the dial go to 11?
I think you mean… “for goodness stake”!
she does have a point
You’re acting pretty high and mighty for the guy who came up with WINfinity.
That was different somehow.
I dunno about that. I mean, I’ve watched 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer(and the movie). They wouldn’t have lasted that long if there wasn’t some kernel of truth to it. Right?
As anyone who’s read Peter Watts excellent novel Blindsight knows, vampires are not afraid of crosses because of Jesus. They have a brain defect that puts them in an epileptic state when visually confronted by right angles.
That’s also why you never see them playing chess.
And, in the novel, why humans developing technology ended the vampire species. We were fun to hunt when we lived in caves. not so much when we lived in houses with square windows.
Watts creates an interesting plot point out of the fact that right angles almost never appear naturally.
TIL that I should never live in a house with round windows.
I think the larger lesson is that you should never live in a world with vampires.
This explains why hobbits don’t exist anymore.
I quantum leapt here from a universe where both vampires and quantum leaping exist, and now I can’t get back, but the vampires may work out how to follow me…
Jesus is the son of a carpenter.
It IS very interesting.
But then why didn’t vampire killed all humanity before the invention of right angles?
And why didn’t Jesus miraculously fixed the brain defect of the Vampires?
Q: Why hasn’t humanity killed all the cows?
I trust that you will see the analogy.
Regarding the existence of Batman.
• Things like comics and movies proves the existence of Batman.
• If there was no Batman, how could there be a Batman comic to make about him?
• All it takes is a leap of faith in your heart and the Dark Knight will save you from the Joker.
The answer is in the question and Jesus has nothing to do with it. Vampires are afraid of crosses for the same reason we are all afraid of what the cross symbolizes. Who in their right mind living or dead wants to get tacked up on a cross? It is painful and humiliating.
If someone tries to fend me off by holding up a little cross in my face, I think I could handle it.
Oh I don’t know … it get’s you out in the open.
As Richard Pryor once said “The reason people use a crucifix against Vampires is because Vampires are allergic to Bullshit!”
Christians also assume vampires are real if they think a crucifix will scare them away. Two falsehoods equal an idiot!
Hmmm… Logical people making fun of illogical ones who believe in ancient fairy tales – whether its Jesus, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or vampires; its good for a few laughs, but I’d rather watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer than go to church/synagogue/mosque and listen to a preacher. Sure, Buffy is no more real than the rest, but she is hotter and funnier.
LUVVIT!!! Y’all will have me laughing until sundown, when I can really show my fangs! Thanks, ever so much!
Nice. Except . . .
Jesus rose from the dead.
Jesus was on record telling people that drinking his blood would give them eternal life.
His rather traumatic experience on a cross means that he is quite likely afraid of crosses.
It’s a little suspicious, isn’t it.
See what you can discover when you think outside the box?
Or outside of the coffin.
HAHA! Vampires aren’t afraid of that Jesus fellow. Vampires are afraid of the Romans. ;)
True, but everyone is afraid of the Romans, and rightly so. The Romans kick butt.
True dat. Romans had all the cool stuff.
On the other hand, I’ve seen plenty of arguments from the theist side that are at least as laughable and founded in myth, so no amount of stupidity from such quarters much surprises me anymore. It’s too plausible.
Right. Because you’re a blazing intellect.
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