If Jesus Wasn’t Real…

if jesus was not real, why are vampires afraid of crosses? atheism atheist

Checkmate again, atheists.


  • Wacko

    Best answer is saying they’re allergic to stupidity.

    • VoidWalker

      Hm. Maybe I’m actually a vampire. Burn like a crispy thing in the sun? Check. Trouble with garlic? Check. Aversion to religion? Check. Allergic to stupidity? Check. Disgusted by Edward “McSparklypants” Cullen as a disgrace to all vampiredom? Check. Never drink wine? Check. Tasty, tasty blood? Hm. Maybe not so much…. Ohwell. At any rate, my spidey-sense is tingling that somewhere, a seriously wrong tree is being hilariously barked up, causing entirely necessary gales of derisive laughter. And somewhere, a chess Grand Master is putting his fist through something over the flagrant abuse of the term “checkmate.”

  • http://happy-thingsidliketoremember.blogspot.com/ Amy

    What were vampires afraid of before Jesus?

    Maybe they aren’t afraid of Jesus, but of being crucified. I’m scared shitless of being crucified.

    • vasaroti

      Apparently they were afraid of images of Sumerian gods. Not sure about the Greek ones.

  • trj

    Perhaps vampires are just tired of fundie Christians preaching at them, so when they see a bright-eyed, cross-wielding fanatic coming towards them they choose to make themselves scarce. Just like the rest of us.

  • Anonymous-Sam


    Looks like it’s last call — *Sunglasses* — for Abhartach. (YEAAAAAAAAAAH!)

    • Azel

      Don’t you know it’s because the Devil wants you to stray from Christ ?

    • Custador

      So much win…

  • http://themikewrites.blogspot.com JohnMWhite

    Vampires just hate math.

  • Giac

    what about Jewish vampires?

    • http://theotherweirdo.wordpress.com The Other Weirdo

      There aren’t any. We guilt ourselves out of existence the moment we’re turned.

  • Sue Blue

    What’s sad is that there are people out there who would think this is a real argument for Jesus. It’s their version of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ – Jewish zombies beat bloodsuckers!

    • Western9

      Really? You wish it would be that easy.

  • DaveyJones

    Vampires don’t even exist, so this is a vain attempt at proving nothing.

    • UrsaMinor

      Thank you for pointing that out for the other humor-impaired members of our audience. We know that not everyone is equipped to detect parody, but sometimes we forget to mark it explicitly on the post and they take us seriously.

    • Daniel Florien

      And it was worth posting just to elicit this response ;)

      • UrsaMinor

        Especially the “vain attempt at proving nothing” part. So if your effort to prove nothing was in vain, what did you accidentally end up proving, Daniel? I’m confused…

    • Jabster

      If vampires don’t exist how come they’re in TV shows and films all the time then – did they just make them up too?

    • Noelle

      “vein attempt” would’ve been even better

      • ScottW

        This wins.

        • Noelle


      • NoE


    • Bill

      I’ve read really old books with vampires as characters.

      They must be real!

    • Custador

      Alright, what’s going on in this thr…. Oh for goodness sake :-/

      • Noelle

        u can’t ban all of us

        • Custador

          I’m so dissapointed in you all. I’m away a couple of weeks, and everything turns to slapstick.

          • http://fugodeus.com Nox

            Welcome back Custy,

            How did the move go?

            • Custador

              It was about a 9.0 on my stress-o-meter. I’m not really back yet, though – Another week until broadband lands.

            • UrsaMinor

              Is that a 9.0 out of 10, or does the dial go to 11?

      • http://themikewrites.blogspot.com JohnMWhite

        I think you mean… “for goodness stake”!

        • Custador


          • NoE

            she does have a point

      • Darwin

        You’re acting pretty high and mighty for the guy who came up with WINfinity.

        • Custador

          That was different somehow.

    • http://theotherweirdo.wordpress.com The Other Weirdo

      I dunno about that. I mean, I’ve watched 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer(and the movie). They wouldn’t have lasted that long if there wasn’t some kernel of truth to it. Right?

  • Ty

    As anyone who’s read Peter Watts excellent novel Blindsight knows, vampires are not afraid of crosses because of Jesus. They have a brain defect that puts them in an epileptic state when visually confronted by right angles.

    • UrsaMinor

      That’s also why you never see them playing chess.

      • Len

        Or tic-tac-toe

        • Ty

          And, in the novel, why humans developing technology ended the vampire species. We were fun to hunt when we lived in caves. not so much when we lived in houses with square windows.

          Watts creates an interesting plot point out of the fact that right angles almost never appear naturally.

          • Mogg

            TIL that I should never live in a house with round windows.

            • UrsaMinor

              I think the larger lesson is that you should never live in a world with vampires.

            • Troutbane

              This explains why hobbits don’t exist anymore.

            • Noelle


            • Mogg

              I quantum leapt here from a universe where both vampires and quantum leaping exist, and now I can’t get back, but the vampires may work out how to follow me…

          • Sunny Day

            Jesus is the son of a carpenter.
            Framing Square.


          • FO

            It IS very interesting.
            But then why didn’t vampire killed all humanity before the invention of right angles?
            And why didn’t Jesus miraculously fixed the brain defect of the Vampires?

            • UrsaMinor

              Q: Why hasn’t humanity killed all the cows?
              A: Cheeseburgers.

              I trust that you will see the analogy.

  • John Stone

    Regarding the existence of Batman.
    • Things like comics and movies proves the existence of Batman.
    • If there was no Batman, how could there be a Batman comic to make about him?
    • All it takes is a leap of faith in your heart and the Dark Knight will save you from the Joker.


  • joe

    The answer is in the question and Jesus has nothing to do with it. Vampires are afraid of crosses for the same reason we are all afraid of what the cross symbolizes. Who in their right mind living or dead wants to get tacked up on a cross? It is painful and humiliating.

    • Kodie

      If someone tries to fend me off by holding up a little cross in my face, I think I could handle it.

    • Jabster

      Oh I don’t know … it get’s you out in the open.

  • Belinda Fitzpatrick

    As Richard Pryor once said “The reason people use a crucifix against Vampires is because Vampires are allergic to Bullshit!”

  • http://patheos.com RickRay1

    Christians also assume vampires are real if they think a crucifix will scare them away. Two falsehoods equal an idiot!

  • Paul

    Hmmm… Logical people making fun of illogical ones who believe in ancient fairy tales – whether its Jesus, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster or vampires; its good for a few laughs, but I’d rather watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer than go to church/synagogue/mosque and listen to a preacher. Sure, Buffy is no more real than the rest, but she is hotter and funnier.

  • Grandma Julie

    LUVVIT!!! Y’all will have me laughing until sundown, when I can really show my fangs! Thanks, ever so much!

  • Arcanyn

    Nice. Except . . .

    Jesus rose from the dead.
    Jesus was on record telling people that drinking his blood would give them eternal life.
    His rather traumatic experience on a cross means that he is quite likely afraid of crosses.

    It’s a little suspicious, isn’t it.

    • Piet


    • UrsaMinor

      See what you can discover when you think outside the box?

      • Mark the Pilgrim

        Or outside of the coffin.

  • http://vtel.jaylach.com/vtel57/vtel57.html V. T. Eric Layton

    HAHA! Vampires aren’t afraid of that Jesus fellow. Vampires are afraid of the Romans. ;)

    • UrsaMinor

      True, but everyone is afraid of the Romans, and rightly so. The Romans kick butt.

      • Mahousniper

        True dat. Romans had all the cool stuff.

  • VoidWalker

    On the other hand, I’ve seen plenty of arguments from the theist side that are at least as laughable and founded in myth, so no amount of stupidity from such quarters much surprises me anymore. It’s too plausible.

    • Western9

      Right. Because you’re a blazing intellect.

  • http://afrolatinoatheist.tumblr.com dantresomi