Christians Against Masturbation

I love this picture, because it’s perfectly believable, just like pretty much everything on the Internet.

But it’s not real… someone changed her name to Fapper from Farber, and even then it’s from Louis C.K’s show on FX called Louie. It’s pretty freaking hilarious. You can watch the full skit here, but here’s an excerpt:

And here’s a captioned screencap of the best part:

Where the Fire Comes From
Bob Cargill on the Holy Grail
All Cycles Come to an End
Being Agent Scully
  • Gordon

    Like “I’ll pray for you” only better

  • Hitchslapper

    Christian Women, if you don’t want me to masturbate…. Come suck me off!!!!

    • Ben

      very astute comment…As a Catholic I am quite impressed

  • Alex

    Kind of funny, but that last comment bothers me a bit. I get that it’s a skit, but in a real interview that would have gone way over the line, IMHO.

    To contextualize my reaction, I’m not at all homophobic (I know “some of my best friends are….” is a cliché usually used by bigots, but it is a fact that my best friend is gay), but I would much prefer not to hear, “I’m going to masturbate and think about you” from a gay man — that would make me feel uncomfortable, if not threatened. I would expect most women to feel the same way about that comment coming from any man with whom they weren’t interested in having sex, for the simple reason that unreciprocated male desire can sometimes be a precursor to rape.

    I would hazard that many, if not most acquaintance rapes (which is to say, most rapes) are preceded at some point by the rapist thinking about the victim while masturbating. I’m not knocking masturbation, mind you, nor am I saying it’s wrong to fantasize about anyone or anything while doing so,* as long as it remains in the realm of fantasy; I’m just saying that I think it’s at best rude, and at worst, to inform the object of your sexual fantasies of those fantasies, unless you’re already sexually involved (or at least have an intimate friendship) with that person.

    * I subscribe to Lady Sally’s Law: “A fantasy is not even a wish, much less an act. There is no such thing as a culpable or shameful fantasy.”

    • Revyloution

      Alex, I would recommend that you do some research on rape. It’s not about sexual desire as it is about the desire for power and the humiliation of others. It’s an easy mistake to make, for sane men. We can feel lust when looking at an attractive woman, but the idea of forcing ourselves on them is beyond the pale. Rapists get their thrills not from the physical pleasure they receive, but by the debasement the inflict on others.

      • vasaroti

        Thanks. I don’t care if this woman is a real Bible-thumper or an actress, right now I’m just tired of seeing men try to embarrass women with crude behavior and present it as entertainment. Telling a woman you’re going to masturbate while thinking of her has a somewhat threatening aspect to it.

        • The Other Weirdo

          Pretty much anything men do is threatening to women. That’s why we now have women-only health clubs(no men allowed, and delivery men but not women have to buzz to be permitted inside). On TV shows, men are made to behave in ways that I’ve never seen or heard men behave, just to show dumb men are and how smart women are. I don’t see what’s worse about this than anything else.

      • M

        I have to agree that the last bit disturbed me a lot. Those jokes *might* be OK to a woman you know well, are friends with, and know she won’t feel uncomfortable. It’s definitely not acceptable to say anything like that to a woman you’ve only just met or to anyone in a public setting.

        It’s one thing to masturbate to the image of a woman you know. As Alex said, it’s harmless fantasy. It’s another thing entirely to tell her “I’m going to think of you in a totally sexual way and shove it in your face and there’s nothing you can do about it! Not only that, but I’m going to make this totally awkward in public/in front of our mutual friends, and if you freak out or feel threatened I”ll laugh it off as a joke and you will look like a bitch.” That’s seriously disempowering, scary, and not-cool. Unless one is a very good friend, one probably doesn’t know if she’s ever been raped, if the (potential) feelings of helplessness and dehumanization will take her into an ugly flashback or not. That’s not a threat worth a crappy joke.

    • Francesco

      Oh well, the “i’m going to masturbate thinking of you” is probably one of the jokes I overuse more with my friends :D

  • Revyloution

    I can’t believe how many times people have emailed me this clip, thinking it was a real news bit from Fox.
    Art imitates life, which imitates art…. We’re moving rapidly into a brave new world where the tail really will wag the dog.

    • UrsaMinor

      I’m pretty sure that we’re already there.

  • j

    If you masturbate, Jesus will throw you into Hell…………this is no joke

  • j

    masturbators = sinners………..sinners go to Hell.

    • Troutbane

      Gosh, I should probably stop then. Wait, where in the Bible does it say specifically that Jesus will throw masturbators into Hell? If it doesn’t that that specifically, where does it say that masturbation is a sin, and please, make sure you ONLY quote the New Testament since Jesus created the New Covenant and said double bacon cheeseburgers are okay dokay.

      • Elemenope

        You can have double bacon cheeseburgers now, but God help you if you enjoy them!