Palm of the Beast

A Louisiana school district is trying out a new biometrics device in the hopes of speeding up the lunch line. I’m actually curious about the device, apparently it’s a “palm vein scanner.”

According to one manufacturer, the scanner uses “near-infrared light to create a “vein map” of the users palm.” When the reader is used “the hand does not have to touch the sensor which improves hygienic concerns and scanner durability.” Yeah, I can see how that would be useful to a school full of kids.

But according to a local news report, some parents are objecting.

“I was very, very mad,” said parent Mamie Sonnier. “Disappointed.” [...]

“As a Christian, I’ve read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff,” said Sonnier. “I know where it’s going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I’m not going to let my kids have that.”

… but the scanner doesn’t make a mark, it just reads … nevermind. Anyway, the phrase “you know go to church and stuff” is probably one of the most unintentionally revealing ways of explaining one’s lack of religious understanding.

Via Doubtful News

Hallquist on Eich
Purity in Mississippi
So Long, And Thanks For All The Memories (From Dan)
Being Agent Scully
  • Bob Jase

    But if the Beast doesn’t get to make his mark then Jesus’ plans will be ruined and he can’t come back.

    Why do these folks hate Jesus?

  • vasaroti

    I’ve seen this one woman quoted in several reports on this. Did anybody else have objections, or was it just her? No point in asking what she thinks about fingerprints, etc., she’s lookin’ for signs and she’s gonna fine ‘em.

    Anyway, I feel sorry for her kid. I had an aunt who was barking mad, but she never got any help because her husband thought she was doing just fine as long as she fulfilled all her housewifely chores.

  • Fentwin

    “As a Christian, I’ve read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff..,”

    What would you go to church and stuff? I can only imagine immaculate taxidermy.

    • Elemenope

      They stuff turduckens for needy families, you insensitive clod!

      • Noelle

        Does the turkey go in the duck, or the duck in the turkey?

        • Elemenope

          Turkey in the duck? What madness is this?!

          • Noelle

            What if it was a small turkey, deboned, and a large duck?

            • Elemenope

              Still an abomination.

      • Fentwin

        Ha! I refuse to eat any food that has T – U – R and D as the first four letters. :)

    • Mahousniper

      I have no idea what you just said. Taxidermy? What would you go to church and stuff? I cannot comprehend that grammar.

      • UrsaMinor

        The unambiguous phrasing would be “You would got to church and stuff what?”

      • Elemenope

        Fentwin was having a little fun with an amphiboly caused by the fact that while the person who said “go to church and stuff” meant “and stuff” as a catch-all for everything else Christiany they do, it can just as easily be read as the activity that they they do when they go to church, that they literally go to church to stuff things. Like a taxidermist stuffs preserved animal corpses, for example.

        • Kodie

          Mamie stuffs!

          • Elemenope

            Quahog stuffies!

  • Noelle

    Am I the only one with visions of more violent ways for bullies to steal lunch money?

    • elivent

      Nope, but it would be quite a job for a school bully. If they cut off the hand, they would still need a way to keep the blood pumping, so I’m guessing it’s probably beyond most of their capabilities.

      • Noelle

        The hand could be twisted behind the back in the usual crying uncle style, then forced over the scanner. Of course, this will only net the bully lunch and not actual cash.

        • Elemenope

          Even bullies gotta eat.