Predicting the Next Scandal

That masked blogger known to the world as Christian Nightmares has been carefully tracking scandals within the American evangelical community. He’s got some (tongue-in-cheek) guesses about which evangelical figures are about to issue tearful apologies:

Todd Bentley
When I think of insanely hyper scamvangelist Todd Bentley, one word comes to mind: meth. I mean really, what else would make someone constantly scream at the top of their lungs and claim to heal people by kicking them in the face or punching them in the sternum? And considering his past…

Doug Giles
You have to wonder if über macho man Doug Giles might have some skeletons in the closet, so to speak. He’s constantly sucking on a fat cigar, obsessed with guns, and never shuts up about metrosexuals and “sissies.” Overcompensate much?

Mark Driscoll
Like Doug Giles, pastor Mark Driscoll goes out of his way to prove his masculinity, seems obsessed with “effeminate” boys, and is often accused of being misogynistic. But like arrogant, power-tripping egomaniac Jack Schaap, he also seems preoccupied with sex and shares some interesting “visions” with couples he offers counseling to. Is it fair to say that a scandal involving Driscoll could go both ways?

Steven Anderson
Self-admitted gay-hating pastor Stephen Anderson would seem like an obvious candidate for a homosexual affair, but he seems much too repressed for that. But his deep-seeded anger is unparalleled in the evangelical world, and that rage has to go somewhere. Would anyone be surprised if the police were called to his house for a domestic disturbance?

William Tapley
If someone were to dig up William Tapley’s backyard, what would they find? Everyone knows that truly crazy people have no idea they’re crazy, and William Tapley’s (aka The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse aka The Co-Prophet of the End Times) deadpan self-assurance is astounding. His biblical predictions and conspiracy theories are wacky enough (and I’ve posted videos of many of them), but this video in particular really gives me the chills.

(Go to the original post to see the various links provided.)

These are good, but my money is on Bryan Fischer. He’s been steadily ratcheting up the crazy for a couple of years now. With his latest suggestion that there needs to be an “underground railroad” to get kids out of gay households, I don’t know where he’s going to go. Either the American Family Association is finally going to shuffle him off into a back room, or he’s going to start biting his radio equipment.

So who do you think will be the next prominent conservative Christian who gets placed on “indefinite medical leave,” and why?

And there ought to be a name for this. When you’re wagering on who is going to die, you call it a “ghoul pool.” What do you call it when you’re wagering on who will be disgraced?

All Cycles Come to an End
Being Agent Scully
So Long, And Thanks For All The Memories (From Dan)
Hallquist on Eich
  • The Vicar

    Well, you’re playing a shame game to win the blot pot, little blotto, placing your discrebets and playing the rottery.

    • Antinomian

      Well Vicar, if history is any guide, I’ll bet dollars to your holy donuts that some will come true. However, I see the humor in this and in comparison to the so-called prophesies of your so-called prophets, just a score of one would be a winner against what x-tians have to offer.

      • The Vicar

        Actually, I was just trying to come up with terms for it, as you asked in your last paragraph. (Sorry not to make that clearer.) I’m an atheist.

  • vasaroti

    If someone were to dig up William Tapley’s backyard, what would they find?

  • Ken

    The devil will make them do it. We all know Satan has a special penchant for the most holy among us. So, you see, it won’t be their fault they are asshats. Score another one for God — although why he would torture his spokesmen (and us) in public is beyond me. Just another mystery I am simply unable to comprehend, I guess.

  • Norm

    Interesting when the reason rally was being organized one problem discussed on the friendly atheist site was finding speakers that were approved by most people because so many had a reputation of propositioning other people at these events.What impressed me was the silence of the other Christians who comment on that site.There was no ,”well what do you expect from atheists”,jibe.It was an issue that needed to be addressed and it was.Now we have a post here wishing some leading Christian might do something,anything just so you can mock them.What a sad reflection this is ,and also a good example of the attitude of the “new atheist”.

    • Theory_of_I

      “…wishing some leading Christian might do something,anything just so you can mock them.What a sad reflection this is ,and also a good example of the attitude of the “new atheist”.”

      As a defender of “Leading Christians”, you will no doubt recognize these names:

      Aimee Semple McPherson, 1920s–40s
      Lonnie Frisbee, 1970s–1980s
      Marjoe Gortner, early 1970s
      Billy James Hargis, early 1970s
      Neville Johnson, 1983
      Jimmy Swaggart, 1986 and 1991
      Marvin Gorman, 1986
      Jim and Tammy Bakker, 1986
      Peter Popoff, 1987
      Morris Cerullo, 1990s
      Mike Warnke, 1991
      Robert Tilton, 1991
      Melissa Scott, 1992
      Jim Williams, 1994
      W. V. Grant, 1996 and 2003
      Bob Moorehead, 1998
      Ian Bilby,1998
      Roy Clements, 1999
      John Paulk, 2000
      Frank Houston, 2000
      Roberts Liardon, 2001
      Pat Mesiti, 2001
      Paul Crouch, 2004
      Douglas Goodman, 2004
      Paul Cain, 2005
      Wayne Hughes, 2005
      Kent Hovind, 2006
      Ted Haggard, 2006
      Paul Barnes, 2006
      Lonnie Latham, 2006
      Gilbert Deya, 2006
      Earl Paulk, 2007
      Coy Privette, 2007
      Thomas Wesley Weeks, III, 2007
      Ira Parmenter, 2007
      Michael Reid, 2008
      Joe Barron, 2008
      Todd Bentley, 2008
      Michael Guglielmucci, 2008
      Ergun Caner, 2010
      George Alan Rekers, 2010
      Eddie L. Long, 2010
      Marcus Lamb, 2010
      Vaughn Reeves, 2010
      Stephen Green, 2011
      Albert Odulele, 2011
      Allan Cundick, 2011
      Jason Russell, 2012
      Kong Hee, 2012
      Jack Schaap, 2012

      This is only the short list of ‘Evangelical’ Christian leaders who have been exposed for their unethical, immoral and criminal activities while proclaiming their own godliness and accusing others of being unworthy sinners.

      This list doesn’t include the many pedophiles of the priesthood or the many more wacko’s like Jim Jones or David Koresh (et al) of other religious flavors. It doesn’t include the hundreds of lesser known evangelicals who continually exhibit equally disgusting behavior.

      To find amusement in speculating who will be next among the Christian “Who’s Who” is not an IF, only a WHEN!!

      If you must sob about persecution, look to your own leaders… They are the ones persecuting you when they expose your religion as a con and a sham, take your money and abuse your trust.

      • Norm

        Oh dear,who actually keeps a list,i could add a lot more of my own family and friends to this list not to mention my own name.Thats why the things all these people have done that has brought shame on themselves and Christendom as a whole is dissapointing but what we struggle against to become better people.The atheist response is ,there is no sin,anything goes,we are all stardust with a few years to indulge our lusts.Good luck with that,the natural man in me does envy you but the spiritual man carnt deny what i know to be the truth,so for me im going to continue tobe the best i can be,and will encourage others to do so as well.

        • JK

          Another christian (TM) pretending that moral behavior comes from christianity. If that was correct, all the ppl of other religions and atheists could not know about what is morally OK and what is not.
          Ppl have discussed moral issues long before christianity started to emerge.
          Therefore your notion that atheists think they can do whatever they want is futile.

        • Theory_of_I


          “The atheist response is ,there is no sin,anything goes,we are all stardust with a few years to indulge our lusts”

          You come here and spew a remark like that. Obviously you are looking for a fight. As you wish, you sorry piece of shit. You have not contributed anything useful in any of your f*cking asinine, derisive posts. Typical Christian self righteous, demonizing, mindless liar for Jesus. You can take your phoney spook Jesus, shove him up your ass, and march the both of you the f*ck out of here.

          • Norm

            Hugs and kisses doooshbag

        • Ken

          Well, it seems you have us pegged. Mission accomplished. Now you can leave happy in reinforcing what you already believed without learning a scrap of truth. If the best response you have is “Yes, but…” everything in Xian world is hunky-dorey, and we’re all going to hell because a carpenter/day laborer/unemployed bum (wonder how long a real wandering prophet without TV or radio would have survived) from 2000 years ago says so. Have a nice day.

        • Stony

          Who actually keeps a list?? YOU SHOULD. Because Christians allow and encourage this man-worship, it breeds these charlatans. Until you clean your own house, then you have no right to proselytize, judge, or even mention the word sin to anyone but yourselves.

          Admit it, the sin you speak of is only a scorecard you keep against other people. You’re only pissed because atheists reject the game and don’t allow you to keep score. You make up ridiculous reasons like “indulging in our own lusts”, because it makes you feel self-righteous. That comment is meaningless outside the scorecard game.

    • Nox

      A description of atheism made by a christian based entirely on their complete misunderstanding of what is actually being said. That sure sounds like an example of “new atheism” to me.

      Why do you assume we need Tapley or Driscoll to lose favor with their churches before we can make fun of them? We already make fun of these tools for spouting the bullsh*t that their audiences happily eat up.

      The setup for this joke is the already existing trend that every few weeks for several years now, some prominent christian leader (who has already gained popularity by lying for Jesus) does something so embarrassing that their own church has to shuffle them out the back and pretend they don’t exist. We’re not wishing for these things to happen (particularly since they will involve innocent victims). We just observe trends, and know in advance what is going to happen.

      By the way, my money is on Franklin Graham. Fischer is an insane homophobe who says incredibly stupid things in service of his hate. But that is what his supporters want from him. No scandal there. Graham is embezzling from his own ministry while pissing away the legacy of one of the most widely loved and respected evangelists in christendom.

  • Aaron

    How about a “Defrocked Pot”?

  • FAGphucker

    Revelation of John 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

    Queers and sodomites are the “abominable” referred to in this verse; so yes, all faggots will burn in Hell. Call me a hater: you’re right, I hate homosexuality. Don’t call me a bigot: you weren’t born that way. This is totally different from racism. You CAN control your sexual behavior.

    • Azel

      No so fast, homosexuality is far from being the only abominable behaviour in the Bible. If you don’t want to run afoul of this verse, you better eat neither shellfish nor octopus (Leviticus 11:10-12), “creeping things that creep upon the earth”, whatever that might be, are out as are snakes (Leviticus 11:41-42), and insect-based delicacies are not to be eaten (Leviticus 11:20).

      And for your statement about being “born that way” and all that jazz, a question, which will assume you’re a man, invert sexes as needed: do you really choose if you’ll be attracted to a brunette or a blonde ? I would say that most of the sexual attraction, or lack thereof, you feel is something you have no control over, so yes, it’s exactly like being a racist.

      A last point for what it’s worth: bigotry just needs prejudice and intolerance, that the target has any control about why are you prejudiced has no bearing on whether it’s bigotry or not.

    • trj

      You weren’t born an obnoxious jerk. Jerkism is a choice. You CAN control your jerkish behavior.

  • Troutbane

    “Revelation of John 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.”
    Wait, those who are full of fear, idolators, and liars go to Hell? That’s like seriously a ton of people, including a ton of God fearing, money worshipers, and Liars for Jesus…hell, anyone who lies, which is like pretty much everyone. And for Christ’s sake: Harry Potter is going down with us?
    And this passage is right after a bit of Jesus communism about free water…