The First Step is Admitting the Problem

Hello. My name is Vorjack, and I … I’m a schadenfreude addict.

I guess like everybody else I didn’t think it could happen to me. I was on the other side back in 2004, so I remember what it’s like. Somehow, despite the polls, I convinced myself that Kerry was going to win.

When he lost, I was working in the same office with a fundamentalist. The bastard insisted on tuning the office radio to “Democracy Now!” It was about one quarter Amy Goodman and three quarters dead air as – I imagine – Amy was sucking gin straight from the bottle. She was reading a statement about the election with all the joy of a guest of honor at an auto-da-fé.

It sucked.

So here I am, watching the same breakdown happening amongst the GOP. I started off telling myself I’d stick to mainstream sources and avoid the celebrations on my normal leftie blogs. But even the lamestream media is bringing me stories about how completely gobsmacked Romney was by the loss: “In conversations on Wednesday, aides were generally wistful, not angry, at how the campaign ended. Most, like their boss, truly believed the campaign’s now almost comically inaccurate models, and that a victory was well within their grasp.”

It was so bad that his transistion webpage went up.

Oh, and this is even better. Remember how obsessive the left got about Karl Rove after 2000? Remember Bush’s Brain? Remember that line about the “reality-based community?” Woodward attributed it to an anonymous source that is widely believed to be Rove. Well, suddenly the “boy genius” who could reshape reality has just taken a shellacking:

A study by the Sunlight Foundation found that just 1.29 percent of the nearly $104 million [Rove's PAC] spent in the general election ended with the desired result. In addition to spending $85 million to defeat Mr. Obama and $6.5 million to support Mitt Romney, the group spent millions more opposing Democratic Senate candidates Bill Nelson in Florida, Jon Tester in Montana, Joe Donnelly in Indiana, Tammy Baldwin in Wisconsin, and Tim Kaine in Virginia – all of whom won.

Rove was the bogeyman of the left until the 2006 “thumping.” Now he’s likely on the run from his billionaire donors. I swear, it’s like some tension that’s been there since the squeaker in 2000 is now gone.

And, yeah, suddenly I’m reading everything I can get on my tablet about the election fallout. My arm starts aching from doing all the fiddly little motions on the touch screen, but just one more article, please …

Oh, and I’m driving back home. It’s a three hour leg, I’m exhausted from the run-around I’ve been going through (remind me not to die, it just creates a lot of drama). I just want to get home. But I’m having to force myself not to shoot past my turn off.

See, there’s this guy just up the road from me. He’s covered the front of his lawn with tea party signs. I’ve been living here for a year and a half, and his lawn has ALWAYS been covered with tea party signs. And not the same signs, he rotates the constantly. Sometimes he covers a couple with black plastic so he can “unveil” them later. Most of them look hand-made; he must do nothing but make tea party signs all day.

I WANT to see what his yard looks like now. I’m exhausted, I’ve got shit to do, my back is getting stiff, but I still want to drive out of my way just to see that damn yard. If my wife hadn’t been with me, I’d have probably driven around the block six times just to gloat.

So, yeah, I got a problem. I need to move on, but I just keep wanting to look at one more picture of a crying Republican. It’s stupid, and I need to be realistic. It was a one time political victory that isn’t likely to change the shape of the country.

Well, maybe. Some people are saying that it might. I mean, it wasn’t just one victory really; a whole bunch of people important people won and whole bunch of horrible people lost.

How beautiful is that? And how beautiful is this: the gay rights movement went four for four. Three states have legalized gay marriage and Minnesota rejected rejected an anti-marriage amendment. After years of hearing opponents of marriage equality call for referendums because they’ve never lost the popular vote, we’ve now seen that blow up in their face.

Damn, there I go again. I need to be strong. I can beat this. Even one #Natesilverfact is too many. They’re just a gateway to pictures of White People Mourning Romney. Hey righties, maybe our Kenyan Nazi Socialist President will cover treatment for schadenfreude addiction under Obamacare!

Dear sweet FSM, I need help.

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