Subliminal Scriptures Teddy Bear

And you thought purity bear was bad. John Hagee, megachurch pastor and CEO of Global Evangelism Television, is pushing this teddybear with an audio player inside that plays selected scripture verses to your child. It’s a chintzy toy, and coming from someone like Hagee, who can never keep his foot out of his mouth, it’s a little disturbing.!

“It gives you the opportunity to saturate your child in an environment of scripture selected for them.” Any suggestions for Bible verses to play for your little angel?

Via Chiristian Nightmares

Atheists in the Evangelical Mind
Bob Cargill on the Holy Grail
Where the Fire Comes From
You Can’t Keep a Bad Man Down
  • Ubi Dubium

    We can start out with Psalms 137:9 “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”

    • John C

      Yes, but of course its not speaking literally or topically since God is Spirit (John 4:24) and therefore communicates ‘spiritually’ and you conveniently over-looked the previous verse which puts it all in context, is speaking of the daughter of Babylon but Babylon (in the natural) was a geography (in the spiritual its something different) so it couldn’t possibly have a (literal) daughter, could it? We don’t read the scriptures in the same way we do an academic textbook, with ‘that mind’. So you can ‘start’ by understanding that…you don’t understand at all, friend.

      • trj

        Ever notice how your biblical metaphors contain a lot of murder, torture and destruction? It seems rather strange to use these as allusions to grace and salvation.

        • John C

          So TRJ, are you content with the state of the world today, does it reflect man’s highest possible attainment? Can you attest to an over-abundance of love and grace and kindness and peace in it, or do you see something far ‘less’ desirable like war and hatred and cruelty and hunger and discord of every sort? How about the similar state and condition of mankind’s (hardened) heart? Is this the best we can do, the best we can be? Yes, that ‘other’ man and (fallen) nature and which the violence in these metaphors is ‘aimed at’ needs ‘de-constructing’ (inwardly, spiritually, not literally) and transformed so the dream state and Man can man’ifest accordingly…unless you’re content with things the way they are now, I mean, since they are merely an outward reflection of man’s inward (heart) condition.

          • trj

            No, I’m not content with the state of the world. What does that have to do with the nature of your biblical metaphors? Do you think that helps to make me appreciate their abundance of violence and murder?

            Do you really think a good way to point us away from our sinful ways and towards transcendence is to use metaphors that talk of killing and destroying? Based on the bloody history of Christianity I’d say that so far that method hasn’t turned out so great.

          • kessy_athena

            Societies, like individuals, grow and learn over time. And a lot of the most important things we need to learn are not things you can learn by being told, but things you have to learn by doing, by experiencing. Expecting some cosmic substitute daddy figure to come along and just hand us what we need to learn on a plate is foolish both because it never has happened and almost certainly never will, and because it wouldn’t work that way even if it did. We have to grow up on our own and find the wisdom, patience, and compassion to solve our problems within our selves. Nobody can do it for us, we have to do it for ourselves.

            And I think talking about human nature being “fallen” is both insulting and silly. Growth and learning are continual processes and do not have a particular goal or endpoint. We have a direction, not a destination. And I really don’t think you can point to any point in the historical record as some sort of literal golden age when humans much better then we are now. And the notion of some past state of human perfection is just silly. We may stumble and fall from time to time, but over all we’ve been making steady, if slow, progress. And I would point out that in the last two millennia, the decline of peace and prosperity and civilization in the West very closely tracked with the rise of Christianity, and the recovery and continued growth of civilization has very closely tracked the decline in the influence of Christianity.

      • Richard H

        So, John C, how are we supposed to tell which parts are “literal” and which are “spiritual”? Was it written in different fonts, maybe? (myself I’d go for Bookman and Comic Sans, and maybe Old English when it’s the LORD speaking…)

        Or is it just that “son/daughter of [place]” is a common metaphor for “inhabitant of [place]“?

        • JohnMWhite

          I notice JohnC skipped this question, as he does every single time. Convenient.

        • John C

          You can know exactly what the Author is speaking about, be it metaphorical or literal when you…know the Author. It’s that simple, really, it is. If the idea of ‘knowing’ God is too far fetched, consider Jesus’ words to describe Him…’our heavenly Father’ (Abba-Daddy) as opposed to ‘God’ (distant, detached, unknowable).

          • Sunny Day

            SO we can only know that god is talking to us when he talks to us, but only if we are truly listening.

            How is god’s voice any different than any of the other voices in our heads?

            I wouldn’t think an almighty god would have such difficulty communicating with us. The poor little thing doesn’t sound like much of a god.

            • John C

              Pride makes you deaf, Sunny. Humility will do wonders for your hearing.

              Go lower, friend. Much.

            • Sunny Day

              I did.
              It says you’re just as much as a fucking moron as you always were.
              At least this interaction fills up my yearly quota of treating your gormless yammering seriously.
              Die in a fire.

            • JohnMWhite

              That’s a bit much, Sunny, no matter how frustrating JohnC’s bullshit might be.

              Though the impishness inside me does want to try to argue with JohnC about whether the fire you suggest is metaphorical :p. In seriousness, John, you keep failing to provide any concrete answers to guide people in this fog of vagueness that you assert makes sense when read ‘correctly’. If you ever want to make any progress, you have got to take a step back from your own implicit assumptions about what the bible is and what god is. You’re trying to explain how a cell phone works from a manual in Chinese to somebody who speaks French and has never seen so much as a radio. We’re not going to start with listening to somebody we don’t believe in and have no reason to. If the core of ‘understanding’ the bible is to simply believe in god in the right way in the first place, then the bible becomes useless and having the correct faith is simply a lucky guess.

            • Sunny Day

              John, I must have went too low.

            • Jabster

              I wouldn’t say you went too low Sunny Day as John C does come cross as a fucking moron. What I would say is that he’s not really that stupid, not saying he’s intelligent either, but I would still put him in the fucking arse hole not moron category – maybe you could stretch it to fucking idiot?

              He doesn’t bother replying to the content off other’s posts, indeed he has admitted that he doesn’t really read them. So basically he has no interest in discussing anything with you instead his interest is in telling you variations on his stock answers.

              The funny thing is every so often someone who hasn’t encountered John C before will think he’s being treated harshly and then go on to try and engage him in conversation. It’s a harsh lesson but you only need to learn it once.

          • Yoav

            Is that “knowing” god in the biblical sense, because that will make the father metaphor extremely creepy.

          • Ubi Dubium

            Which is why all the different people who sincerely believe that they know the “Author” and talk to him on a regular basis….all come up with different versions of which bits are literal and which metaphorical. My Brother-in-law, a charter member of the Creation Museum, will tell you he has regular conversations with your “Abba-Daddy-Doo”, and that every single word of the bible is literally true. For an omnipotent omniscient being, your god is a lousy communicator.

            I’ll stick with the FSM. He’s not particularly fussed if people don’t believe in him, and if I don’t like what His scriptures say I can just write some new ones. He won’t mind.

  • Rod

    Matthew something or other… Beware the false prophet.

  • Lurker111

    Numbers 31:15-18.
    And the passage about the she-bears.
    And numerous others.

  • The Other Weirdo

    If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children
    and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
    -Jesus (Luke 14:26)

  • Mark Temporis

    I love stuffed animals but I think the talking ones are creepy. I suspect they all occasionally whisper “kill your parents”.

  • Mark Temporis

    I love stuffed animals but I think the talking ones are creepy. I suspect they all occasionally whisper “kill your parents…kill them for ME”.

    • Len

      I’m sure that can be programmed in.

  • Andrew G.

    Compare with Harry Harrison’s story “I Always Do What Teddy Says” (in Two Tales and Eight Tomorrows and possibly other short story collections too)

  • Bob Jase

    Why does it come with recordings built in? Surely god is powerful enough to make the toy talk without human intervention.

    It worked for Talky Tina.

    • The Other Weirdo

      That would provide clear evidence of God’s existence, and God isn’t into that shit.

    • vasaroti

      Thanks for reminding me! Another great Hitchcock tale featuring a doll that came to life was “Where the Woodbine Twineth.”

  • Sunny Day

    I’d include the scriptures about drinking poison and handling snakes but thats because I’m a bastard and can be pretty cavalier about other people dying senseless deaths.

  • Lawrence

    Well that was even creepier than I expected. I guess one of Hagee’s minions read Brave New World.

    • kessy_athena

      No, I’m pretty sure it was 1984.

      • M

        Brave New World was the one with subliminal conditioning and a strict caste system from before birth (everyone was born from canisters). 1984 was the one with Newspeak, doublethink, and the Party.

        So I’m pretty sure Lawrence is correct on Brave New World.

        • Darren

          Yep, BNW.

          “Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they’re so frightfully clever. I’m awfully glad I’m a Beta, because I don’t work so hard. And then we are much better than the Gammas and Deltas. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children wear khaki. Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly color. I’m so glad I’m a Beta.”

  • Noelle

    Talking toys are scary. The only thing that’d make it freakier would be popping that tape into a Teddy Rupskin and letting an animated stuffed bear do the talking.

    Side note, is there any evidence that anything that plays while you’re sleeping sticks to your brain in a meaningful way? I’ve noticed many ads for self-help/subliminal message tapes and CD’s throughout my life, but it all sounds pretty stupid. You can be awake and not paying attention and not hear what someone’s saying to you. How is one supposed to keep any content administered while unconscious?

    • trj

      I’m guessing an endlessly repeated mantra might get through to you in your sleep and have an effect on your mood. But as a method of actually learning anything this technique is probably completely useless.

      I too would love to hear anyone reference any studies on this.

  • Madmidgit

    I myself have a Flying Spaghetti Monster plushie that talks all about how he wants to touch me with his noodly appendage and how big his meatballs are

    May he touch you with his noodly appendage and smother you in his suace
    Pesto be upon you
    . r’Amen

  • John C

    So you’d leave ‘him’ (that other, false man and nature that causes so much heartache in the world) alive and kicking eh? That’s the same mistake Saul made with King Agag but Samuel the High Priest (a type of Christ) ‘slew’ him and which foreshadowed the ‘work’ at the cross.

    • Natty

      this guys a pretty good troll

      • Noelle

        John C’s the best. But he’s no troll. He’s sincere.

  • Bob Jase

    “So TRJ, are you content with the state of the world today, does it reflect man’s highest possible attainment?”

    from John C. above

    Interestingly enough the bible, which I’m sure John views as the inerrant word of his god, does say that humanity was made in god’s image and is god’s highest possible attainment.

    From which we can conclude that John must think his god does some pretty shitty work.

  • Schaden Freud

    So this is what happens when a psychopath decides to make one of those subliminal message tapes. Once again, fundies prove that the world can be a much creepier place than I would ever have imagined.

  • ebon badger

    What is it with the US christian right and teddy bears? And why do they have be so damned creepy?

  • Darren

    My vote is for the she-bear incident in 2 Kings 2:23-24.

    ”From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up, baldhead,” they shouted, “go up, baldhead!”

    The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces.”

    It is a teddy bear, after all…

  • Michael Shalom

    I like how atheists also take selective scriptures out of context and use it to prove what? That God doesn’t exist because they personally don’t like them? Sounds like wishful thinking. I don’t like the way God does things, so he doesn’t exist! PRESTO!

    • M

      Nope, we use other logic and reasons to prove that god(s) probably don’t/doesn’t exist. We use scripture to prove that the monotheistic God of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam is a psychopath and a sadist who doesn’t deserve any worship even if He does exist.

  • Michael Shalom

    Regarding Psalms 137:9, God is not commanding anyone to dash little ones against rocks. The happiness the perpetrators of this cruelty is certainly of the earthly sort and short-lived. Mainly, this passage is graphically describing the return of the cruelty of Babylonians upon themselves.

    • Troutbane

      You are correct in that it is not something God is commanding. However, it is something that Gods chosen are dreaming of and wishing for, included in the Holy Bible with no passages refuting how good it is to smash one’s enemies’ children against stones.
      Also, I don’t see above where someone claimed this is what God commanded. Who exactly said that? Ubi quoted it, but did not say something along the lines of “God said this, thus bad”
      I am a little disturbed by your reference of Babylonians returning cruelty upon themselves. How exactly are children supposed to have caused the Israeli suffering?