I can't help myself

At the end of every week, I have to type up my weekly report and send it to my bosses and the board of directors.  At the top of the report is a summary section.  Here is what I just submitted.

I returned to town a day late from Rapture Day on account of god hating me and trying to end my life.  Asshole.  Busy week with the explosion of the Damon Fowler incident and a lot of progress on the Annual Conference.  Though our road is long and the environment harsh, I have persevered.  The SSA is an engine of atheistic efficiency, rolling over the land and leaving naught but godlessness in our wake, and I am proud of my role as a tiny cog in such a finely-tuned, unstoppable machine.  Armed with our wits, the truth, and tempered steel, we have soldiered through the week conquering every demon of theology that has been foolish enough not shroud themselves from our march.

A new day is dawning – a day when the sun rises over the smoldering remains of faith.  On that day, arrayed in pauldrons tarnished by the battles we have won, the fellowship of the SSA will overlook the remnants of the enemy’s capitol with decades of fight still burning in our chests.  Soon new pillars will be erected, and until the end of time the halls of secularism will ring with the ballads of our deeds, even unto the day when the denizens of this new nation have forgotten that war was once necessary for the liberation of the human mind.

This week, at the SSA office, we were fucking heroes.

I love my life.

  • http://gretachristina.typepad.com/ Greta Christina

    Snork!

    You had me until “finely-tuned.” At which point I had to laugh at the sprawling, squabbling, un-herdable herd of cats that is the atheist movement.

    In your next life — which won’t happen, since reincarnation is a lie — you need a second career as an author of bad fantasy novels.

  • http://meaningfulmemes.blogspot.com/ Candice Tucker

    *heart bubbles* ;-)

  • Ashton

    I like how your last sentence can be read more than one way.

  • http://tasteofmore.blogspot.com Kay

    I wish my work reports were that exciting. Instead, I write police reports. The cops don’t like when you embellish the report…


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X