I am a firebrand in the most extreme sense. Only through single combat and defeat can I become stronger! I take tremendous pride every morning when I stride through my magnificent lyceum* and take note of the various banners and trophies of battles won. On the rare occasion I have not thrust myself into the fray of ideological war for some time, the sheen of my armor begins to fade and my weapons begin begin to forfeit their luster to rust. After years of purposefully wading through the carnage of the culture war, the screams of the vanquished still ring in my ears – it is the sweetest music. I live for the honor of battle!
This is why, when I was conscripted into a guild of legendary secular champions, I was eager to accept the charge! Surely life-threatening adventure worthy of our conjoined might awaited!
My choice to join their ranks was soon validated when I became aware of our epic quest: for the benefit of the children, we were to wage a campaign against a seemingly unbeatable foe: PZ Myers himself!!!!
The way I saw it, we were destined for one of only two outcomes. On one hand we may very well perish in noble annihilation. On the other, should we achieve the unthinkable and overcome the tentacled one, our coterie of awesomeness would ascend to the highest thrones in the pantheon of glory! To me, it was a victory either way. And so for a month we have journeyed and fought. Our quarry has couched himself within his Neptunian fortress and has pulled out all the stops. He has sought the aid of a deity (never you mind his fishy protestations in the comments). He has bartered the source of his power in exchange for support. Yet through all of these tribulations, our side’s resolve has remained unbroken.
Our ranks have swelled with honorable combatants. The Digital Cuttlefish has forsaken his maritime ruler and defected to Team Awesome. We are also joined by Sikivu Huthinson, The Apostate’s Chapel, Adam Lee, Matt Dillahunty, and CL Hanson. Several of our meritorious fellowship have made tremendous sacrifices in our tireless pursuit of victory.*** Adam Lee at Daylight Atheism has agreed to grow a beard should we win.
*** Matt Dillahunty at The Atheist Experience TV program will do one episode of the show in drag.
*** Greta Christina will conquer her fears and sing karaoke on video.
*** Jen McCreight will stare death directly in the face and learn to ride a bicycle, on video.
*** CL Hanson will organize a showtunes sing-along.
As for me, none of these offerings satisfied my lust for the extreme. In my training regiment as a secular warrior, I have already slain the bicycle demon. I sing showtunes for fun. So great is my skill that the gauntlet of karaoke is no longer a test of my mettle, but rather an enjoyable evening pastime. So what could I do?
If our side wins I have pledged** to shave my head and wax my legs at the Secular Student Alliance’s Annual Conference in July!!!! Perhaps you heard, but I don’t fuck around. I can hardly afford to do otherwise. Once word leaks out that a pirate’s gone soft it’s just work, work, work all the time.
So after all of this, after all the sweat and sacrifice, Team Awesome stormed the walls of Castle Pharyngula, fought through the hordes, tapped out all our mana, and reached the evil one’s chamber. What did we find there? The deplorable daisy of the deep playing dead! In every tentacle was clasped a white flag being waved as though the oceans were about to dry up! “Throw open the gates! Let them through!” he bellowed, perhaps in the hopes that his lack of resistance would purchase him an iota of mercy from our beneficent band.
You can imagine my disappointment. My honor is on the line here you simpering squid! You were this great legendary thing! Stand up and fight!
June 1 is the day when this battle will be resolved. In the meantime, you should throw whatever you can to the side of your choice! Will you take pity on the Master of Mollusks or will you give the thumbs down with a financial “Finish Him” by giving to Team Used-to-be-Underdog? Choose wisely.
* Otherwise known as my bedroom.
** We’ll see on the waxing of the legs. I may wind up shaving them instead. If I’m doing this at the annual con, I don’t want to be reduced to a ball of weeping agony in front of the onlookers.