Ok, crappy post forthcoming.
First some history. I’ve scuffled with anorexia the last few years. In 2010 I got better, but when I moved to Columbus in January of this year I relapsed and I relapsed hard. Stress, like the stress of leaving my comfort zone, moving to a new place, and having a new job, can lead to relapses, which is precisely what happened to me. In March I discovered that not only had the anorexia returned with a vengeance, but that I was also having hallucinations with mirrors and other reflective surfaces (will spare the details). That lasted a little under four months and has only flared up for a day or two since.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for a check up and got weighed. I have gained just under five pounds in the last 45 days. Much of it, I’m sure, is muscle – eating 300g of protein a day will do that. I knew when I agreed to heed my trainer’s advice and alter my diet that this was coming. Still, it was a tough pill to swallow. Later in the day that my hallucinations had returned. This is not as bad as it sounds, so don’t freak out. I am aware they’re hallucinations. I know I’m as not-fat as I was at the start of the day and that seeing otherwise is the result of a malfunctioning brain, not of reality. It’s still a minor pain in the ass though and it’s definitely something that should raise some concern.
After chatting it over with my therapist, we agreed that I need to find a way to take more time for myself and reduce stress, since that stress is especially threatening since I’ve been doing so much better. We don’t want another relapse, which is always a reality with this condition. Two steps forward, one step back. Such is the road to recovery.
I will also stop writing out of obligation, and instead will only write when something strikes me. This may mean some days without a post, some days with twelve. Hopefully it will mean the return of regular posts like Saturday Fitness and Monday MTG.
During my entire life as an atheist activist I have endeavored to respond whenever somebody has contacted me, even if it’s just about trivialities. I want to be connected to everybody in this movement who wants to be connected to me. This is the first time I’m going to stop doing that and, honestly, I feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t. I know you guys will understand. But I still do. The readers of my blog and other members of the community have always been so supportive of me, and I wish I could tell you all just how grateful I am. I know hiding away for a bit is a lame way to do it, but I’ll be back.
I need to take care of myself first. I’m no use to the movement or to anybody else if I’m running myself into the ground.
Thanks for understanding.