Ok, crappy post forthcoming.
First some history. I’ve scuffled with anorexia the last few years. In 2010 I got better, but when I moved to Columbus in January of this year I relapsed and I relapsed hard. Stress, like the stress of leaving my comfort zone, moving to a new place, and having a new job, can lead to relapses, which is precisely what happened to me. In March I discovered that not only had the anorexia returned with a vengeance, but that I was also having hallucinations with mirrors and other reflective surfaces (will spare the details). That lasted a little under four months and has only flared up for a day or two since.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for a check up and got weighed. I have gained just under five pounds in the last 45 days. Much of it, I’m sure, is muscle – eating 300g of protein a day will do that. I knew when I agreed to heed my trainer’s advice and alter my diet that this was coming. Still, it was a tough pill to swallow. Later in the day that my hallucinations had returned. This is not as bad as it sounds, so don’t freak out. I am aware they’re hallucinations. I know I’m as not-fat as I was at the start of the day and that seeing otherwise is the result of a malfunctioning brain, not of reality. It’s still a minor pain in the ass though and it’s definitely something that should raise some concern.
After chatting it over with my therapist, we agreed that I need to find a way to take more time for myself and reduce stress, since that stress is especially threatening since I’ve been doing so much better. We don’t want another relapse, which is always a reality with this condition. Two steps forward, one step back. Such is the road to recovery.
My life consists of very little personal time right now, and in the interest of protecting myself I’m going to do a few things. The first one, that I really hate, is I’m going to stop being available to chat on facebook or any of the other means by which people can get a hold of me. I am so flattered that people want to speak to me or value my advice on deconstructing religion. I want to give everybody a piece of my time who wants it and have always tried to do that. But right now, it’s to a point where it’s burning me out and taking away from a lot of the things I want to do. I’m so, so sorry. This is only temporary while I recharge my batteries. You can send me emails at wwjtd21[at]gee mail[dot]com. I will not be able to answer all emails during this period, but will get to all that I can.
During my entire life as an atheist activist I have endeavored to respond whenever somebody has contacted me, even if it’s just about trivialities. I want to be connected to everybody in this movement who wants to be connected to me. This is the first time I’m going to stop doing that and, honestly, I feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t. I know you guys will understand. But I still do. The readers of my blog and other members of the community have always been so supportive of me, and I wish I could tell you all just how grateful I am. I know hiding away for a bit is a lame way to do it, but I’ll be back.
I need to take care of myself first. I’m no use to the movement or to anybody else if I’m running myself into the ground.
Thanks for understanding.