Mega Church Pastor Rod Parsley Wants To Help Me Fight Limpness

Rod Parsley is a despicable little man who runs a mega church right here in Columbus (which I got booted from earlier this year for asking why I should believe what they were saying). Like a lot of church groups I like to keep an eye on, I’m on his mailing list. It’s a wonderful source of amusement and motivation.

Here’s what I got yesterday (bold mine).

Dear JT,

It is time for ANGELS TO BE SET LOOSE in your life! How?

Did you know that Angels are not just strong? But God created them to impart strength.

Angels are our partners in strategic warfare against:

Every evil
Blindness – and every adversity!

Friend, THIS IS ABOUT THE WARFARE GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW! It’s happening in the realm of the spirit. It’s happening in your body, in your marriage and in your finances.

First, what is it with religious people and capitalizing weird words or phrases?

Second, if angels are my partners in the warfare against every evil, what’s the point of the rest of the list?

Third, if angels are your partners in the warfare against power, how come the religious mob is so powerful? Also, why is power an evil? It seems that what you do with power is the concern. I mean, everybody’s just tickled pink that Superman has all the power…

Fourth…limpness? I’ve got this great idea, you’re gonna love it: ditch missionary position and acquire some rope/hand cuffs/handlebar/Katy Perry. Buy your wife a kinky angel costume, then she can really be your partner in the warpath against limpness! If all of that doesn’t work, light some candles, and read some Greta Christina. Then just try and keep your hands off one another! If worse comes to worse, you can pray your ass off for the little blue pills, but your doctor is the one who’s actually got them. Get off your knees, take your money back out of the collection plate, and go pay him a visit. You’re welcome.

Fifth, joke’s on you, I don’t have a marriage. I live in sin and it freaking rules. Now, if/when I ever do get married, I’m gonna know which way is up on a woman. I like to think of it as eating from the tree of knowledge. 😉 Knowledge: great for making our lives better (or for passing the time if we extend the euphemism), but god hates that shit.

So what is the solution to every evil (and more)? It’s not to fix the problem ourselves you silly! It’s to give Rod Parsley our money!

Give a sacrificial PRAISE OFFERING — sow a generous seed of faith today into the Breakthrough ministry —and I will send you Angels Unemployed, a three-DVD video series that I believe will lead to angelic help in your life.

Angels do not have to “do your bidding” just because you ask. But when you speak the Word of God, they are obliged to act. Here’s how to invite angels to work on your behalf:

Declare the Word.
Give a praise offering.
Sow your seed!

Give a sacrifice of praise to God, and sow your sacrificial seed of faith. Let me suggest a gift of $20, $50 or $100, as you ask God to dispatch His angels to protect and strengthen you.

Bad news, chums. The guilt religion associates with sex is probably a large part of the limpness problem (and the angels watching you while you’re getting it on probably isn’t helping either…unless you’re into that stuff you naughty, naughty freak!). Giving a preacher money to fix limpness is like paying the mob to extort you. And the prosperity gospel is officially the most easily detectable scam in history. Are you poor? Get rich by giving your money away! Like scratching an itch by stabbing yourself in the face. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Have some self-respect. Keep your money and ditch this bullshit.

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