Mega Church Pastor Rod Parsley Wants To Help Me Fight Limpness

Rod Parsley is a despicable little man who runs a mega church right here in Columbus (which I got booted from earlier this year for asking why I should believe what they were saying). Like a lot of church groups I like to keep an eye on, I’m on his mailing list. It’s a wonderful source of amusement and motivation.

Here’s what I got yesterday (bold mine).

Dear JT,

It is time for ANGELS TO BE SET LOOSE in your life! How?

Did you know that Angels are not just strong? But God created them to impart strength.

Angels are our partners in strategic warfare against:

Every evil
Blindness – and every adversity!

Friend, THIS IS ABOUT THE WARFARE GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW! It’s happening in the realm of the spirit. It’s happening in your body, in your marriage and in your finances.

First, what is it with religious people and capitalizing weird words or phrases?

Second, if angels are my partners in the warfare against every evil, what’s the point of the rest of the list?

Third, if angels are your partners in the warfare against power, how come the religious mob is so powerful? Also, why is power an evil? It seems that what you do with power is the concern. I mean, everybody’s just tickled pink that Superman has all the power…

Fourth…limpness? I’ve got this great idea, you’re gonna love it: ditch missionary position and acquire some rope/hand cuffs/handlebar/Katy Perry. Buy your wife a kinky angel costume, then she can really be your partner in the warpath against limpness! If all of that doesn’t work, light some candles, and read some Greta Christina. Then just try and keep your hands off one another! If worse comes to worse, you can pray your ass off for the little blue pills, but your doctor is the one who’s actually got them. Get off your knees, take your money back out of the collection plate, and go pay him a visit. You’re welcome.

Fifth, joke’s on you, I don’t have a marriage. I live in sin and it freaking rules. Now, if/when I ever do get married, I’m gonna know which way is up on a woman. I like to think of it as eating from the tree of knowledge. ;) Knowledge: great for making our lives better (or for passing the time if we extend the euphemism), but god hates that shit.

So what is the solution to every evil (and more)? It’s not to fix the problem ourselves you silly! It’s to give Rod Parsley our money!

Give a sacrificial PRAISE OFFERING — sow a generous seed of faith today into the Breakthrough ministry —and I will send you Angels Unemployed, a three-DVD video series that I believe will lead to angelic help in your life.

Angels do not have to “do your bidding” just because you ask. But when you speak the Word of God, they are obliged to act. Here’s how to invite angels to work on your behalf:

Declare the Word.
Give a praise offering.
Sow your seed!

Give a sacrifice of praise to God, and sow your sacrificial seed of faith. Let me suggest a gift of $20, $50 or $100, as you ask God to dispatch His angels to protect and strengthen you.

Bad news, chums. The guilt religion associates with sex is probably a large part of the limpness problem (and the angels watching you while you’re getting it on probably isn’t helping either…unless you’re into that stuff you naughty, naughty freak!). Giving a preacher money to fix limpness is like paying the mob to extort you. And the prosperity gospel is officially the most easily detectable scam in history. Are you poor? Get rich by giving your money away! Like scratching an itch by stabbing yourself in the face. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Have some self-respect. Keep your money and ditch this bullshit.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Stephanie Zvan

    Given that picture, giving Parsley money to help fight your limpness is likely to be against the law in almost all U.S. jurisdictions.

    • JT Eberhard

      Yeah, that picture was about too perfect. I fell out laughing when I saw it.

      • Stephanie Zvan

        The custom font is a nice touch too. :D

  • Glodson

    The thing is, I thought you were already fighting evil over here. So, since you are fighting evil, shouldn’t they lend you some angels? Or at least send some money your way, for fighting evil?

    And does this mean that certain drugs that I’ve seen advertised on TV for male enhancement fight evil like the church does?

  • Randomfactor

    Gonna be hard to “sow your seed” BEFORE taking care of that limpness problem. Damn, this capitalization stuff is CATCHING.

  • Yellow Thursday

    Rod Parsley? There’s a joke in that name. Something about salad, maybe. Tossed salad, maybe?

  • Stacy Kennedy

    A “Power” is a sort of demon, I think. You can tell that’s what Pastor Limp Rod means because it’s listed after “Principality”. I have a mentally ill Christian friend who’s been known to go on about “Powers and Principalities” and how the Jebus will protect you from them.

    “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”

    –Ephesians 6:12 (kjv)

  • Alix

    I don’t know whether this post was hilarious or sexy.

    … or both.

  • kraut

    “Sow your seed!”

    Does that mean I can jack off without feelings of guilt?

    • Pierce R. Butler

      kraut – If you do, then you’ll need Pious Prosperous Pastor Parsley’s help with the next item on the list after limpness (which also makes it harder to shave your palms)…

    • Crommunist

      Only one way to find out, I guess…

  • F

    Strategic warfare. Yup, yup, yup.

  • Cassie

    What I find most disturbing is that after reading this humorous work there was an advertisement for how to become an ordained minister at – as a matter of fact, nearly every time I read your posts one of the ads is for some sort of religious theme. . . I think there’s a plot afoot.

  • Moggie

    I don’t know why I’d need an angel to combat darkness. I already have a Maglite, and it was less than twenty bucks.

  • NathanDST

    “Dryness” is right before “limpness,” and even easier to combat. You don’t need a doctor or anything, just hop on down to your local “specialty shop.” They’ll hook you up with all sorts of options.

  • Crommunist

    Now, if/when I ever do get married, I’m gonna know which way is up on a woman.

    I LOLed

  • Moggie

    What I want to know is: do the angels specialise? Is there career progression? Does a new angel spend their first thousand years doing lube jobs, before being promoted to stiffening duty? Because that would pretty much suck as a job, and you’re not going to get the best service from a junior angel bored to tears with their duties.

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  • Jim

    I know I don’t agree with everything that he says but some things are right and based on the Word of God. As to him being a small man I don’t know if Parsley is little or is not. But what I do know is how small you and those who post on this site are. You got kicked out for asking a question like, “why should I believe what you are saying”. That is not your call. All you have to do is get up and go where you can find a church that you do believe what they are saying. You caused strife and that is not good in a Church or job or marriage or anything. You were wrong. Any many of those who posted to your site are small minded as well. If you don’t believe something that is your right, but your right does not allow you to slander anyone, church or non church. You probably got your feelings hurt and just like a child you are lashing back….sad.

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    As it is, I can find nothing on your site that matches anything in this article (but neither am I willing to go through every page on it), so I must wonder if you posted your accusation at the right site.