Dear Catholic League

Well look what I found!  It’s a ‘contact us’ form for the Catholic League!  Squee!  And they want to hear information regarding incidents of anti-Catholic bias!

Man, can I ever help them out.

Dear Catholic League,

This feedback form begins with the sentence:

Please give us any information regarding incidents of anti-Catholic bias.

Boy, do I have one for you:

I am a perfect target for your Adopt-an-Atheist program.  You want to convert the faithless?  You’d have to go pretty far to find someone like me.  I have an enormous bias against dumb-as-shit ideas, which pretty much makes me biased against Catholic ideas.  I think the cracker is just a cracker, a tasteless one at that, and I think anybody who thinks it becomes the blood of another human being is 1) insanely gullible and 2) pretty fucking sick for eating it.  I think anybody who believes a Canaanite Jew rose from the dead has a capacity for evaluating reality less than any five year-old who has managed to emancipate herself from belief in Santa Claus.  I also think anybody who gives money to an organization that enables and defends child rapists needs a serious recalibration of their moral compass (read: they’re a horrible human being).  I also think that, if the pantheon of hell truly exists, that the tallest pillars in it were constructed for people so aloof that they’ll contribute to an organization that shields pedophiles and then go out into the world and boast their moral superiority.

Clearly, I’m an excellent candidate for adoption.

You don’t have to contact any affiliates to adopt me, I’m happy to come right to you.  My email address is wwjtd21[at]gmail[dot]com.  Come adopt me.  Hell, I’ll even put your conversion attempts on a fairly well-read atheist blog for a bunch of other atheists to see.  Think of the potential for bringing people to Christ!  You’re welcome.

Great idea for a program.

JT Eberhard

Greta, Greg, Skeptic Freethought, RantaSarah Rex, PZ, and myself all think the Adopt-an-Atheist campaign is a swell idea!  For those who love de-converting the faithful, hop on this train!  Go email them and then send me a copy of your email.

I will post all their attempts to convert me (if they were serious about adopting atheists) and I will post the best emails to the Catholic League asking to be adopted.  Points for creativity.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • nedchamplain

    I miss the days when LDS and JWs would come a knockin’ on my door.They marked my property as unhallowed ground. Maybe I can get some mew action now that I have moved.
    I’ll keep a good thought ;)

    • N. Nescio

      I was at a bus stop a few weeks ago, when a minivan pulled up, and out jumped two bible-wielding older ladies who proceeded to attempt to Jehovah Witness everybody waiting for the bus, myself included. Unfortunately the bus arrived before I could really tear into their standard-issue ‘prophecy’ argument and all I could accomplish was to tell them to go and look up the term ‘proof-text’ and decline the latest issue of The Watchtower. They weren’t worth the effort of waiting for the next bus.

      Drive-up proselytizing…that’s a new one for me.

  • Bruce Gorton

    Pity I live on a different continent – otherwise…

    Dear sir I post this email
    To tell you of my plight
    For at this time of writing
    I think your beliefs are full of shite
    I am a dirty heathen
    Or so you say
    But I bathe so I think
    I smell okay

    This Jesus chap doesn’t
    Altogether impress me
    His boats are weak
    And so is his primitive philosophy
    I find obligatory
    Forgiveness to be a crock
    And my life of sin
    Does kinda rock

    So come adopt me Catholic
    Come convince me true
    Why I should follow your lord
    And join you in the pew
    Bring me the word
    With any arguments
    I haven’t heard

  • CoderHead

    Fantastic idea! I’m in, 100%.

  • Ann

    OK – I wrote – I truly don’t understand how anyone could stay a Catholic. email:
    I’m a hospice volunteer and an atheist – trying to do some good out there in the wide world. But the religion that sticks most in my craw is Catholicism: the polytheistic, faux cannibal, obsessed with sex and pain, encouraging of child torture Catholics – adopt ME!

  • Stevarious

    I can’t get their contact page to load. Anyone else having trouble?

  • Ember

    Nice. The little cracker becomes the body of Christ, though, not the blood (wine becomes the blood).

    Mmm…church booze.

  • Stevarious

    I just got their contact form to work. This is what I said:

    I recently read on your site of Bill Donohue’s fantastic idea for an ‘Adopt-an-Atheist’ program.

    I’d like to formally volunteer myself, as an atheist, to be ‘adopted’ by a local Catholic. I realize that Bill’s intention was for atheists, such as myself, to be converted to Catholicism. I will state at the outset that in my humble experience, the much greater likelihood would be for me to de-convert whoever volunteered for the task, but I admit that there is a small (tiny) chance that my natural resistance to baseless propositions might somehow be overrun by an exceptionally powerful emotional appeal. (At the very least, it would be nice to have the opportunity to educate a Catholic that there is no reason for atheists to be “looked upon as people who believe in nothing, stand for nothing and are good for nothing”, since, of course, none of these things are true.) I’m certainly willing to take that risk if you can find a local Catholic willing to adopt me. The largest problem I’ve experienced in the past when arguing with theists of any kind is their unwillingness to continue contact or discussion once I’ve challenged their belief system with actual facts. It would be a delightful change of pace to have a conversation with a religious individual who takes their responsibilities seriously and is willing to persevere in the face of such a challenge. (Again, in my anecdotal experience, these types of people who are willing to challenge their beliefs in search of fact and knowledge usually end up as atheists anyway.)

    If you can find someone on your side of the argument willing to take that chance in return for the opportunity to convert a godless heathen, feel free to email me directly at, or if you would prefer, you can contact Ernest Perce, the state director in my state for American Atheists at, whom I’ve already informed about this program and my willingness to participate.

    I certainly hope that Mr. Donohue was serious in his desire to start such a program. I would appreciate a response, but I understand you must be receiving a number of these sorts of emails so I will understand if I do not receive one.

  • Anonymous

    That’s my email… Didn’t know where else to put it on here.

  • Crommunist

    Regarding your “adopt an atheist” campaign:

    I think I would be a perfect candidate for your program. As a former Catholic (not ‘lapsed’, mind you, intentionally self-excommunicated), I am clearly a high-value target. As a prominent member of the atheist community, it would be a huge coup to deploy your best arguments against me and bring me back to the fold. As scripture says, God is overjoyed when one of his flock returns to the shepherd. I can only interpret any refusal on your part to try your very best to bring me back as an admission that you are not interested in doing what God clearly expects of his people.


    Ian Cromwell

  • Three Ninjas

    It looks like the link now redirects to a page encouraging you to contact the Democratic National Committee…maybe they don’t want us emailing them asking to be adopted?

  • Stevarious

    It does indeed redirect to the DNC page… I guess that means that Donohue doesn’t want to hear from us after all.

    You know what I think? I think Donohue thought that we were afraid of him.

    It’s quite the opposite, Bill. You are clearly afraid of us.