Merry Friendsmas!

FAUX News and a large contingent of privilege-demanding Christians are always telling me how we atheists are waging a war on Christmas.  I always just shrugged it off with, at most, a chuckle at how inane it was.  But today I find myself thinking that if we’re going to do the time, maybe we should just do the crime.  Ok, let’s take Christ out of Christmas.  But what to put in its place?

Foodmas?  Food is certainly more enjoyable than than Christ, but it will make you fat if you eat too much of it.  Snowmas?  It’d make my boss furious (she hates snow with the fire of a thousand burning suns).  Sexmas?  Getting warmer, but harder to celebrate as a group.  Then I remember a discussion I’d had with my friend Cambridge.  Cambridge explicitly does not celebrate Xmas.  She has created her own, more epic holiday called Friendsmas.  No Jesus, just friends, inebriation, and video games.  All day.  Listening to her tell that story made a light bulb go off above my head: friends!  Friends are totally awesome!

Then I made this chart to illustrate how friends stack up to Christ.

So there you have it.  Thanks to an odd alliance of FAUX News, Evangelical Christianity, and my good (and godless) friend, I have decided I will take the Christ out of Christmas and replace it with something vastly superior: friends.

Can I now start being offended when somebody wishes happiness upon me the wrong way?

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About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • neatospiderplant

    Awesome idea. I might consider doing the same as I’m tired of people suggesting that I am celebrating Christmas only as a gift grab. In actuality, I see that there are a lot of non-Christian traditions and reasons to celebrate the season.

    Side note: your chart says “Let’s me..” Should be “lets me”.

    • JT Eberhard

      Thanks for the heads up! Easy fix. :D

  • VeritasKnight

    I wasn’t aware that Christ nagged you for sex, JT. He’s a wily one.

    • JT Eberhard

      Not only that, he always refuses to leave the room and always insists that my partner should love him more.

      Worst wing man ever.

      • VeritasKnight

        I bet he keeps getting kicked out of bars for turning the water into wine for free as well.

  • dfl42

    From Reddit: it’s-cold-and-dark-outside-so-give-me-things… mas

  • Alix

    I was kind of leaning towards sexmas…
    But friendsmas is alright, too. :)

  • nowthatsfunny

    Yeah right.. like you have friends lol
    Or did you mean your “best friend” that was banging your wife every sunday morning before she divorced you and took half your money

  • Paul Hunter

    Have a Wondeful Celebration with your Family!

  • Lycanthrope

    Definitely bookmarking this.

  • mojokabobo

    My vote is for merry giftmas.

  • DicePlayGod

    WINter SoLstice OBserved


    • papango

      I’ve been really tolerant about this, but I’ve had about as much as I can take from this hemispherist solstice attitude. Just because I’m on a lawn chair in the sun doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the faux 19-century bonhomie of the season, too. A Santa in beach shorts is still a Santa.

      • Alukonis, metal ninja

        Merry Sumslob?

  • frankb

    I like the comparison of fathers who boast of mass murder. That family doesn’t sound very fun at all.

  • papango

    I’m okay with calling it Christmas. I think eventually it will become like March and Thursday and leave its association with old gods behind.

  • stubby

    I’m for going filthy and calling it Jizzmas. Twenty four hours of indulging in every twisted fantasy and gorging on huge turkey legs and flagons of mead.

  • Dan Dare

    There must be a way to work sex into it. Sex sells.


  • Markita Lynda, happy Winter Solstice, everyone!

    Extra-matiral? What’s that?

    Even if I spell it extra-marital, when does Christ or the church do that?

    • Jurjen S.

      I think it was supposed to be “extra-material,” i.e. non-corporeal. What other kind of sex could Jesus have at this stage?

  • alisonmeyer

    Now, see, this is what I’d like to see. Most of the things included in American christmas celebrations were appropriated from extant cultural traditions so people would be more inclined to convert to the new religion. While we recognize that a hefty portion of the holiday has already had christ taken out of it, part two is taking those symbols and assigning new significance to them. The tree, the decorations, the gifts, the food, all that stuff needs to somehow now be directly associated with Friendmas! Let’s see. . .the tree represents how we grow upwards from shared roots, and though it comes from a forest of similar trees, each one stands as an individual with its own strengths and merits! How’s that for a start?

  • Gregory

    We should fight to keep the Sol in Solstice.