Things like this make me very proud of what I’ve done/am doing with my life.
I left church more depressed than ever. What was wrong with me, it seemed so easy for them to believe, to heal, to be all better (at least that’s how it seemed then, now I’m not sure how much good any of those people feel)? Why couldn’t I?
Faith didn’t help, I was defeated and just like I had always done before, I believed in nothing, but this time hating myself for it.
I went to college, and for two years I struggled. Alone, angry, and wanting it all just to end.
I tried to end it. I failed (thankfully)– To add insult to injury the police officer who drove me to the ER told me, “God would find you and you will find him someday”
Current boyfriend is involved in a group at KU called SOMA (society of open minded atheist and agnostics). I didn’t get into the idea of an atheist group right away… I was worried it was like a church for nonbelievers. So I held back for a while, but the more I went I heard things like, “there’s nothing wrong with you for not being able to believe that nonsense” “I want to help” “there is nothing wrong with being who you are”. I didn’t need a god who made no sense, I didn’t need faith, I had those around me.Things were still up and down, I still felt alone, I was still trying too hard to hide what I was. I felt like Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde. I was still so ashamed.
Then there was a conference, I did not get to attend.
During the conference I got a phone call and text messages. It was my boyfriend. He apologized over and over for all the times that he hadn’t understood, for every time I didn’t meet a normal expectation. I froze. What happened?
I got on youtube to watch this person who had made by boyfriend understand, who had brought a room to tears.
His name is JT Eberhard
I watched his talk, I bawled. Someone was brave enough to bare themselves to a world of stigma and distain, and explain that everyone else needed to give a shit.
Long story short, I got to meet him this weekend and even if it was just for a moment it was amazing to hug the person who helped so many people understand me.
Don’t let this fool you, I’m still mean and as full of piss and vinegar as ever.