Believers lost and wasted money in Cranston so Ahlquist could convert

Well ain’t this cute.

Excoriating Jessica Ahlquist is not going to accomplish anything positive. What will help is for all believers to offer up to God their prayers, fasts and other sacrifices for her conversion and that of all atheists, especially during Lent. Small sacrifices add up. Forgo a candy bar, a new blouse, etc. God may have allowed this controversy for a reason — for Jessica’s conversion. We are his tools; let him use us. God is in charge!

Say what?

She’s not praying that the true, true believers who are making Jessica’s life miserable will let up, but praying that Jessica will become just like them.  Sure, followers of Christ have threatened her life repeatedly and done everything in their power to make her miserable in the hopes that they will get to keep breaking the law by breaking her spirit, but perhaps if some believers now decide not to eat a candy bar perhaps Jessica will decide she wants to emulate her tormenters.

Pray until you’re blue in the face.  If god’s goal was to convert Jessica, his followers fucked that one up something fierce.  You know what would be a great way for god to convert Jessica?  For god to come down and confirm his existence.  That would even save the religious the task of defending the absurd to people like me.  Then he could even apologize to Jessica for not getting onto his followers during her ordeal.

Or you could save a dollar not buying a Snickers.  Y’know, that could work almost as well as evidence.

About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • Zinc Avenger

    Their god “allows” US law to apply to Cranston?

    I don’t know about you, but I’m not likely to convert during lent any more than any other time, no more than I’m likely to convert to islam during ramadan.

    Although I will admit to steadfastly refusing to give up pancakes on Pancake Day, despite it’s religious origin. Pancake Day is one of the major days of my year!

  • Jen

    The best part about Lent is the Two for Two Dollars fish sandwich specials at fast food restaurants.

    • Rory

      I’ve found I have much better luck getting Friday night reservations at the local steakhouse during Lent.

  • Nate Adams

    “We are his tools”

    Truer words were never spoken.

    • sqlrob

      Nah, that statement was one word too long.

      • bbgunn

        I see a T-shirt in the making: “Cranston Faithful: We Are His Tools.”

        • abb3w

          Erfworld fans might be offended.

  • WilloNyx

    Damn these are some sore losers. You would think we neutered their god entirely rather than just saying he isn’t allowed to enter unwilling captive audiences.

    • Desert Son, OM

      allowed to enter unwilling captive audiences.

      Religious modus operandi defined.

      Still learning,


  • Randomfactor

    JT, did you see that seven locals have asked the judge for a stay of the removal order–and filed it AFTER the banner was removed?

    • Anteprepro

      I’m beginning to think that Christian Intelligence is up there with Christian Love and Sophisticated Theology, on the great list of religious oxymorons.

  • samsalerno

    Maybe they’re on to something here. How about for lent all the christians get together and starve themselves to death to try and save all the Atheists.

  • rikitiki

    It’s simple really: They are the Borg and, therefore, want to assimilate Jessica (and everyone else).

  • Randomfactor

    Judging from how they tend to spell “athiests,” they’re the dyslexic Borg. Prepare for ass-lamination.

    • Desert Son, OM

      Prepare for ass-lamination.

      This happened to me: very disappointing. Over time my ass developed unsightly wrinkles and peeling. I’m thinking of upgrading to a hardwood ass. Expensive, though.

      Still learning,


    • Zinc Avenger

      We are the Brog. You will lower your sheilds and disarm your waepons and prepare to be assliminated.

    • Drakk

      We’re totally athier than they are.

    • Markita Lynda—it’s Spring after the Winter that wasn’t

      They are teh Gorb!

  •!/VeritasKnight VeritasKnight
  • Randomfactor

    Just flashed on the fact they haven’t realized yet–even if Jessica were to convert and petition to have the banner put back up…IT DOESN’T MATTER.

    She raised a valid legal point, the judge agreed with it. It’s over now.

  • christophburschka

    Oh no! With that much prayer, Jessica is certain to become Christian, isn’t she? :(

    • TV200

      If she doesn’t, will they concede that prayer doesn’t work?
      Nah, I didn’t think so either.

      • Desert Son, OM

        If she doesn’t, will they concede that prayer doesn’t work?

        With religion, there’s always a rationalization (especially when there’s never an answer).

        1) We prayed! She converted! Therefore: god!

        2) We prayed! She didn’t convert! Therefore: evil outside influence that is powerful but not more powerful than our god but still powerful enough that there was no conversion even though there’s nothing more powerful than our god! Also, free will! Also, omnipotent being has a plan! But also, free will! Also, all prayers are answered, but not all answers are “yes!” Also, sometimes god needs to make an example! Also, god loves her so much that she needs to be punished!

        3) We didn’t pray! She converted! Therefore: miracle!

        4) We didn’t pray! She didn’t convert! Therefore: if only we’d prayed!

        Still learning,


  • Randomfactor

    Christian? But aren’t they supposed to be praying to some nondenominational, secular god? Like Allah?

  • ‘Tis Himself, OM

    If the goddists spend their time mumbling to themselves then they’ll be less likely to bother the rest of us.

  • Adam Lee

    I think these Christians borrowed their evangelism plan from the Underpants Gnomes:

    1. Give up candy bars for Lent
    2. ???
    3. Atheists convert!

  • Mike de Fleuriot

    Jesus better not come down, or he will get punched in the side.

  • Markita Lynda—it’s Spring after the Winter that wasn’t

    I know, it’s such a compelling argument:

    “This is not an unconstitutional School Prayer (as labelled), it’s totally a historical artifact! Besides, freedom of religion for the student who cribbed it from Bain Middle School’s School Prayer. And if you don’t agree, you’re going to Hell!”

    Yeah, that works.