Michael Bay has really crossed the line

Michael Bay is rebooting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but with a twist: the beloved, zany terrapins from my youth are now aliens.  Yes, aliens.

Cracked.com pretty much sums up my reaction.

I don’t think a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie works if they’re aliens. I mean, it’s right there in the name: Mutant. It’s already the dumbest, most straight forward and explanatory title in history. It has four words that tell you the premise: They’re teenagers, they’re mutants, they’re ninjas, and they’re turtles. It explicitly spells out the only four aspects you can’t mess around with…

Seriously, it’s bad enough that this guy gets to carve a swath of butchery through all my childhood favorites, such as the abortion that was the Transformers franchise.  It’s downright criminal that he gets paid insane amounts of money to do it while more talented people are stuck making minimum wage as chief fry cook.

Can’t this guy just stick to making crap movies that don’t infringe on the cherished nostalgia of every child of the 80s?


So, to Michael Bay…


About JT Eberhard

When not defending the planet from inevitable apocalypse at the rotting hands of the undead, JT is a writer and public speaker about atheism, gay rights, and more. He spent two and a half years with the Secular Student Alliance as their first high school organizer. During that time he built the SSA’s high school program and oversaw the development of groups nationwide. JT is also the co-founder of the popular Skepticon conference and served as the events lead organizer during its first three years.

  • ‘Tis Himself, OM

    At least Bay hasn’t messed with Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs.

  • jamessweet

    There is already a much more awesomer TV show that had an episode name punning on TMNT for a character who previously thought she was an alien.

    Maybe the Turtles thought they were mutants, but actually were aliens? Like Leela in reverse?

    • teh_faust

      That must be it! That’s the great plot twist. A revelation on par with “I am your father”

  • http://motherwell.livejournal.com/ Raging Bee

    They’re teenagers, they’re mutants, they’re ninjas, and they’re turtles.

    And the whole idea was obviously some guy coming up with random variations on tired old story themes, and not even trying to pretend to be “serious.” That’s what made the original comic books so much fun.

    And what would Michael Bay contribute? He’s all about huge special effects of aricraft carriers and buildings getting smashed about like toys — four human-sized ninja turtles wouldn’t even be visible on such a scale, let alone relevant.

    Wrong story, wrong director. Why not give the guy who gave us “Howard the Duck” a call?

  • http://aceofsevens.wordpress.com Ace of Sevens

    To be fair, they weren’t teenagers in TMNT, either. That’s part of why it got the initialism for the name.

  • http://legendsoftheheathentable.wordpress.com/ Gordon

    You know what really bugs me? People will still pay. They will know ahead of time that it is horrible and still pay. Then they’ll pay to see the even worse sequels, once again in spite of their foreknowledge and despite their first hand experience with the first movie. It really is astounding.

    • Rory

      That, my friend, is pretty much the definition of Michael Bay’s career. Because people are really, really dumb.

  • Dana
  • https://twitter.com/#!/Erulora Erulóra Maikalambe

    So, no longer mutant turtle (because they’re aliens), no longer ninjas (because ninjutsu is from Japan and not likely to be taught on other planets), and who knows about teenage since that’s based on Earth years and these are aliens. There’s not a single word in the title that’s even relevant anymore. Might as well just call it “Aliens”. Oh wait, that’s taken already. By a good director.

  • http://cafeeine.wordpress.com Cafeeine

    For the more hopeful among us, here’s a more optimistic take on the story:

    • unbound

      That would be the only hope one can have with Michael Bay…

  • unbound

    Michael Bay is already working on changing the name of the movie to “Ninja Turtles”. He blames Paramount, but I smell a rat name Bay pushing the change to clear the way for his alien origin concept.

    Sadly, the fool makes money selling his tripe to the idiots of the world. So not only will he completely destroy TMNT, he’ll make a mint doing it. Of course, just like Transformers, nobody will want to watch it after 5 years. Its not like Michael Bay makes classics that do well over time.

  • Zugswang

    I’ve determined this guy just enjoys directing snuff films where the victim is a cherished franchise’s reputation.

  • http://nathandst.blogspot.com NathanDST

    What was wrong with Tranformers??

    But yes, horrible idea about the Turtles.

    • julian

      Besides everything?

    • http://jadehawks.wordpress.com Jadehawk

      let’s start with “bumblebee is the wrong car”, and go from there, frame by frame…

      • http://nathandst.blogspot.com NathanDST

        Oh, come on! You can’t blame Bay for that when Volkswagon refused to let him use a Beetle for Bumblebee (something about not wanting to be associated with the violence . . .).

        • http://jadehawks.wordpress.com Jadehawk

          that doesn’t make it not the wrong car, you know.

          • http://nathandst.blogspot.com NathanDST

            True, but even if that still makes the movie a Fail in your mind, you can still cut Michael Bay a bit of slack and maybe even forgive him for it.

  • julian

    Well fuck. There goes more of my childhood. So far the only thing that hasn’t been a total let down was the Bridge to Terabithia movie.

  • chrisj

    John Kovalic has a similar take in today’s Dork Tower*. Although the characters go on to note that “Teenage Alien Imposter Ninja Turtles” is something you could easily associate with Michael Bay.

    * Weds 2012-03-28, for anyone reading after he posts the next one

  • Desert Son, OM

    Michael Bay has really crossed the line

    That ship sailed so long ago that it predates steam power.

    Still learning,


  • http://yetanotheratheist.com TerranRich
  • http://blogingproject.blogspot.com/ Ing: I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream So I Comment Instead

    In some continuities the Ooze is of alien origin. It’s POSSIBLE that’s what he meant.

  • wherearemybeets

    Ed Wood + A Budget = Michael Bay

  • lordshipmayhem

    If they’re aliens-from-outer-space, then the title makes as much sense as the new Karate Kid (which has nothing to do with karate or Japan, but rather everything to do with Kung Fu and China).

    If they’re aliens-from-outside-the-United-States, this could have some context with modern society, specifically the politics of American immigration, environmental and economic policies: they’re from Mexico, and grew up swimming in a river contaminated by toxins from a maquiladora plant.

    Given Michael Bey’s historical record of Movies That Suck, I’d bet it’ll prove to be the former rather than the latter.